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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pick my teen up from school when they’re ‘ill’

246 replies

scaredfriend · 09/10/2025 10:12

I have recently started a new job that’s an hour away from home and my kids go to schools that are half an hour from home, but in the other direction. They’re teens - 15 and 13.

So far this term (a month in!) each child’s school has called to say my child is feeling unwell and could I collect. I questioned if they were really ill
and was told that the school can’t make that call but I needed to attend and collect them. So I had to excuse myself from work, undertake a 90 min drive to get them (from work to school) and a further 30 mins to get them home, followed by another 60 mins drive to return to work for a couple of hours. And I had to make 1/2 day up by working late for the rest of the week (fair enough).

I picked up DC2 because ‘they were feeling really sick’ only to get home and watch them raid the fridge and put the telly on. DC1 (different day) had a heavy cold but could’ve soldiered on as no temp, just snotty and coughing. They have paracetamol etc in their bag. Again I had to take hours away from my desk and make the time up for the second time in as many weeks. Not great.

School phoned again today. DC1 ‘is feeling dizzy’. I responded by saying that I really can’t leave work and so could school allow my DC to sit in the medical room / office until the end of the school day if they’re not well enough to go to the lesson. The reply was no - I need to collect.

I really don’t remember ever leaving school unwell when I was a similar age. Probably because it was pre mobile phones and difficult to contact my parents to collect during the day. But I do remember sitting on the sofas in the medical room with a blanket when I felt really rough. Lots of us did that.

School won’t allow children to leave without being collected - so even if I said ok, send them home, they can’t walk to the bus and get themselves home (as they would otherwise do at the end of the day). I have to leave work to collect.

AIBU? I’d understand for small children but I think my teens would be fine to stay in school.

OP posts:
RubySquid · 10/10/2025 13:55

Bubbles332 · 10/10/2025 06:13

They would question why my child didn’t do what I told them to rather than blaming their school.

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Have your teens always done exactly what you told them to? If so please share the secret with every other parent as it will make the teen years sooo much easier

Original poster
scaredfriend · 10/10/2025 12:07

sashh · 10/10/2025 04:41

OP Bear with me this starts out a bit long winded.

One college I worked in if a student was late you gave them a red card with how late they were on and at some time in the week the student had to make up that time.

Maybe do something similar with your children. So if you have to collect them then your child owes you three hours.

It is up to you what that 3 hours looks like, it could be housework, gardening, taking the dog for a walk etc. It doesn't have to be in one chunk it could be an hour a day for three days.

I really like this idea actually. Thank you!

OP posts:
SisSuffragette · 10/10/2025 07:01

TheBlueHotel · 09/10/2025 10:44

How is a secondary school refusing to allow teenagers to leave without an adult? Fuck that. If they want the kid off site then they let them leave. I'm sure your children can soldier home on the bus if they are really determined to get home.

So you send a "dizzy" teenager home on the bus? What happens when they feint at the bus stop or on the walk home all alone and hit their head?

Bellsbeachwaves · 10/10/2025 06:55

RoseAlone · 09/10/2025 14:28

What on earth possessed you to take a job so far from your kids? Just because they’re in high school doesn’t mean that they’re never unwell and need to go home.

You’re their mother, you chose to take a job a crazy amount from home so suck it up and do your job as their mother, nothing else is more important that your kids well being.

🧐

PenelopeChipShop · 10/10/2025 06:33

Thee are so many answers on here but I think the simplest solution is don’t answer your phone when it’s the school. They will leave you a voicemail and you can listen to it and decide whether to call back. If it’s not serious - you didn’t get the message until the end of the day. This also forces the school to call the next person down the list, who I assume would be your DH. I know he’s not going to get them but at least he could talk to the school instead or you could make the decision jointly, schools these days act as if all women are SAHMs with nothing better to do than drop everything, it annoys me a lot.

Bubbles332 · 10/10/2025 06:13

RubySquid · 10/10/2025 03:49

And if you told the kid to stop doing it and they still did? What then?

And what like the example I gave of my DD when school list me a contract phoning e to travel back from London because DD had a bloody STITCH!!! That she even told them was a stitchatthe tiw

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They would question why my child didn’t do what I told them to rather than blaming their school.

Kimura · 10/10/2025 05:03

Wtafdidido · 10/10/2025 04:18

If they are sick enough to need to come home then tell them that when you collect them that so they can rest up you will be taking their phones and tablets for 24 hours so they can get into bed and rest no tv or tech and that they are to stay there and you will bring them tea and toast. No junk or snacks! If they see you are serious in this they will stop swing ing the lead and the phonecalls will stop! We did this with our kids and still if they are too ill to go to school they get no tech or phones or tv - just books until what would have been the end of the school day. Make it boring and the attractiveness of being off soon fades and if they really are ill they don’t t mind!

If they're genuinely ill though, why would you want to make their day any worse?

If you think they're trying it on, send them in and tell the school you won't be picking them up.

Kimura · 10/10/2025 04:55

scaredfriend · 09/10/2025 10:37

They’re not lying as such. They did both feel ill. But with the support of their schools I believe they could have soldiered on through the day.

The schools are very quick just to ring home and ask to collect. Which I disagree with. Fair enough if they’re vomiting or have a raging temperature, but not just for ‘feeling sick / dizzy’ or having a bad cold.

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Do the school have a Dr/Nurse? We had a school Dr (private school) who was quite happy to send us packing if they thought we were trying it on, or put us in a medical room with nothing to do if they didn't think it warranted calling our folks.

I tried it on constantly and my mum would simply tell them that she was hours away from school and unable to pick me up. If you're sure they're milking it, just tell them that the soonest you can get there is end of the school day. What can they do?

sashh · 10/10/2025 04:41

OP Bear with me this starts out a bit long winded.

One college I worked in if a student was late you gave them a red card with how late they were on and at some time in the week the student had to make up that time.

Maybe do something similar with your children. So if you have to collect them then your child owes you three hours.

It is up to you what that 3 hours looks like, it could be housework, gardening, taking the dog for a walk etc. It doesn't have to be in one chunk it could be an hour a day for three days.

Wtafdidido · 10/10/2025 04:18

If they are sick enough to need to come home then tell them that when you collect them that so they can rest up you will be taking their phones and tablets for 24 hours so they can get into bed and rest no tv or tech and that they are to stay there and you will bring them tea and toast. No junk or snacks! If they see you are serious in this they will stop swing ing the lead and the phonecalls will stop! We did this with our kids and still if they are too ill to go to school they get no tech or phones or tv - just books until what would have been the end of the school day. Make it boring and the attractiveness of being off soon fades and if they really are ill they don’t t mind!

RubySquid · 10/10/2025 03:49

Bubbles332 · 09/10/2025 19:37

Well my school would be fine with it once or twice but if it happened constantly they’d expect me to put a stop to it by either telling my child to stop pretending to be ill or taking them to the GP to rule out any underlying health issues if I thought it was genuine.

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And if you told the kid to stop doing it and they still did? What then?

And what like the example I gave of my DD when school list me a contract phoning e to travel back from London because DD had a bloody STITCH!!! That she even told them was a stitchatthe tiw

user1492757084 · 10/10/2025 03:44

Op, you need to instruct your children to only report as sick to their teacher if ..

  • they are vomiting.
  • they have had a nasty accident requiring urgent medical or dental assistance like stitches, a cast or checking for a head injury.
  • they are in terrible pain or have a burning temperature that is not remedied by taking a paracetamol.

If they play sick and interupt your work,you need to charge them the actual cost of the interuption and make sure they do not benefit from doing anything playful. They should be set down doing schoolwork. Pack some bandaids and two paracetamol and some tissues in their school bags.

Bubbles332 · 09/10/2025 19:37

RubySquid · 09/10/2025 19:07

Wonder if the schools would be so happy if it was their own teachers called out of work every 5 mins to pick up kids from another school for minor stuff

Well my school would be fine with it once or twice but if it happened constantly they’d expect me to put a stop to it by either telling my child to stop pretending to be ill or taking them to the GP to rule out any underlying health issues if I thought it was genuine.

Kidsgotothatschool · 09/10/2025 19:14

Only here to repeat what has thankfully been said… this is a ‘your kids’ issue!

My kids know how to soldier on if need be! If I’m called I know it’s because my usual Calpol and shove them in strategy hasn’t worked and they’re really up against it.

What they are doing is so unfair to you! You need to make them see that calling you away from your new job for no reason is not ok. School are only responding to what they are seeing in front of them.

RubySquid · 09/10/2025 19:07

Wonder if the schools would be so happy if it was their own teachers called out of work every 5 mins to pick up kids from another school for minor stuff

RubySquid · 09/10/2025 19:04

RoseAlone · 09/10/2025 14:28

What on earth possessed you to take a job so far from your kids? Just because they’re in high school doesn’t mean that they’re never unwell and need to go home.

You’re their mother, you chose to take a job a crazy amount from home so suck it up and do your job as their mother, nothing else is more important that your kids well being.

And what about their fathers?

Original poster
scaredfriend · 09/10/2025 18:52

RoseAlone · 09/10/2025 14:28

What on earth possessed you to take a job so far from your kids? Just because they’re in high school doesn’t mean that they’re never unwell and need to go home.

You’re their mother, you chose to take a job a crazy amount from home so suck it up and do your job as their mother, nothing else is more important that your kids well being.

We live rurally. Our village only has a small primary school. The nearest town (where my kids attend secondary school) is 30 mins away. It’s a small town with few jobs for professional people. Most professional people here work in the nearest city - an hour away. Quite normal. See also: people who live in the Home Counties and commute to London for work. It’s not uncommon.

OP posts:
theresapossuminthekitchen · 09/10/2025 18:08

Butchyrestingface · 09/10/2025 10:16

I really don’t remember ever leaving school unwell when I was a similar age.

Neither do I, but I'd have got a bollocking for doing what you've described. And there would have been no 'raiding' of the fridge or watching telly when we got home.

Exactly. This is a kids problem not a school problem. They have to listen to what your kids say and assume it’s the truth (you can imagine what would happen if they ignored the ill child - parents don’t even like it when schools ask them to go an hour without using the toilet or having a drink!) If your kids have caused you significant inconvenience with work on multiple occasions because they are exaggerating or fabricating illness to get out of school, then that needs dealing with. If they’re actually ill, then they are your responsibility to look after, not school. If they’re well enough to walk home alone, they’re well enough to be in lessons.

Topseyt123 · 09/10/2025 18:04

RoseAlone · 09/10/2025 14:28

What on earth possessed you to take a job so far from your kids? Just because they’re in high school doesn’t mean that they’re never unwell and need to go home.

You’re their mother, you chose to take a job a crazy amount from home so suck it up and do your job as their mother, nothing else is more important that your kids well being.

What a pile of bollocks!

StripyHorse · 09/10/2025 16:56

scaredfriend · 09/10/2025 10:51

Safeguarding apparently. In case they take a turn for the worse when they aren’t under adult supervision. I think it’s bonkers…

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Surely you can understand the position they would be in if the child was genuinely ill and passed out on the way home etc. Even when parents had said it was fine, some parents would then turn round and claim the school hadn't informed them how serious it was and they shouldn't have let them leave. Cue sad face picture in the local press. They really are damned if they do, damned if they don't. Better to have a blanket rule that children leaving early must be collected by a responsible adult.

thisishowloween · 09/10/2025 16:52

This isn't a school issue, it's a "your kids" issue.

They both need a sharp lesson in not taking the fucking piss.

BlueandWhitePorcelain · 09/10/2025 16:41

TheBlueHotel · 09/10/2025 11:47

Ok so why didn't the school call me to come and collect my DS when he felt dizzy? Why did his school just let him sit quietly until he felt better? It's clearly possible to use common sense.

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Where do you draw the line?

DD1 fell playing basketball at school. The school rang me up to say, an experienced nurse and doctor had examined her. (The school had an onsite medical centre with its own nurses, neurological registrars and consultant neurologists) Her shoulder was hurting and they gave her ibuprofen.

When I went to pick her up, I could tell just by taking one look at her face, that the pain she was in, signalled a fracture. I took her to A & E, where x rays showed a badly fractured collarbone, and they had to have a meeting to discuss pinning it.

The school didn’t show any common sense did they, because severe pain was written all over her face? I don’t think they did a visual pain assessment chart with her, because she would have pointed to 10/10!

TheClanoftheDook · 09/10/2025 15:20

Athreedoorwardrobe · 09/10/2025 14:51

Train drivers often cover long routes. Many just aren't going to even be able to get back to area before the end of the school day anyway, even if they can just leave there and then. They'd have to wait for another train going back!! They won't have cars with them!
My point is it's actually only a small number of jobs you could just leave if you got a phone call from school, and be there in 30 mins to collect the kid no bother.
I have never been able to just leave my job. I work nights not so it's not relevant. But when I worked days we couldn't even have phones on us and there's safe staffing levels. So even if we managed to see the school message on a break off the unit (which often you do not manage to get) you then have to wait for them to find a replacement to cover you. Which can be hours if they can find one at all. And it's a legal requirement. It's not just that you'd get fired, you run the risk of going to jail if you just walk off knowing leaving the unit with usafe staffing levels.
My DH also does a similar job.

In a real emergency they will try and support you getting out of there but it can take hours.

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You need a back up plan though! You can’t just swan off to work and hope for the best then moan when they inevitably become unwell at some point.

TheClanoftheDook · 09/10/2025 15:18

Athreedoorwardrobe · 09/10/2025 14:32

Wtf?
I'm sorry 1950s called and it wants its attitudes to women back

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lol this is bollocks. Parents can work where they like but they need to make sure there is a back up plan in case this happens. It’s part of parenting. Both parents. Not just mothers.

Flakey99 · 09/10/2025 15:16

Why are they not allowed to leave school and make their own way home? After all, they can leave and catch a bus to travel home after school finishes?

I don’t see why you can’t phone or email the school giving them permission to leave?

Nobody bothered much when I was at secondary if you decided to bunk off home for the afternoon. 🤷🏻‍♀️

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