To Discuss How Not To Be A Bullying Victim

This is an interesting thread.

I was a bully’s dream victim. Socially awkward and young for my age, completely cut off from popular culture due to what I was allowed to watch and listen to at home, speech impediment, coke bottle old lady glasses, completely unfashionable clothes, 6 ft tall at 13 (which sucks for a girl) and nerdy.

I have never been bullied. What I am about to say is not meant to be victim-blaming or an attempt to be seen as cleverer or more insightful than others. It is down to luck of personality.

The number one thing I believe made me bully proof was that I had no desire to be with the in-crowd so the exclusion and ostracism that work on so many girls who are desperate to be in certain groups did not work on me. In fact, if they were used against me I wouldn't have had a clue as I had no desire to be with that type of group anyway.

I had friends who were utterly miserable about not having the right clothes or stuff. I couldn’t care less and if someone laughed at me over my clothes I would just feel sorry for them being worked up about something so unimportant.

Once or twice kids mocked my speech impediment. I would laugh it off and there it would end. If I was accused of being a nerd, I would agree and say I had read 3 books that week already. Wind straight out of sails.

Being thought of as different and weird was a source of pride for me. I never had a desire to fit in.

I can recall multiple times when potential bullies tested the waters with me but gave up because of the above.

I was mercilessly bullied for my whole school life. Everyone either avoided me or picked on me. It was a fucking miserable time.

As an adult, I seem to be quite popular and immune to bullies. I still attract the occasional asshole but I just find it mildly amusing compared to school, and then they seem to avoid me.

I do wonder what changed between then and now. As PP said - The best armour is high self-esteem, and I definitely had none then. I was also being horribly abused at home, and was desperate to be treated kindly by someone, anyone. I was very unsure in social situations, I'm didn't know how to act with people. I tried so hard not to say or do anything that might make someone mean to me, and this just seemed to put a big flashing light over my head saying WEAKLING - KICK HERE.

I do wonder what changed between then and now. I feel like I'm the same person, I don't feel like I act any different, I'm not really more confident on the inside and I'm still a fucking weirdo, but the way people treat me is so different.

One thing I think helps is that now I can escape if I want to. As an adult I have control of my own life and I have choices. When I was a child no one cared, no one did anything to stop it, and there was nothing I could do to get away. Now, if it's a workplace bully, I can make a grievance/find a new job. If it's a twat of a neighbour I can go to police/council/move house. I don't have to put up with it if I don't want to, and that means I'm less bothered by it.

But yeah, I also did a lot of martial arts after leaving school so maybe that helps..

Yeah agree. It’s such a gift to be so unarsed, but hard to teach to someone who is more sensitive or worried about fitting in.

Agreed, basically telling them to be more like the bullies is not the answer.

Agree. You can only be bullied if you perceive that you are being bullied. If you don’t engage, the bullies have nothing to hang their coat on.

DS1: ASD/ADHD, nerdy, into drama, reading and Pokémon, hangs out in the library. Literally doesn’t give a shit if someone takes the piss.

DS2: similar, but more sensitive, might be more attuned to nasty comments. Likes football but already perceives that other kids don’t pass to him.

The best thing to teach (autistic) kids is to find their tribe. Hang out in the library, take part in clubs, find kids across year groups with similar interests, avoid trying to run with the crowd.

DH say kids tried to bullly him at school. He is very nerdy and was only in adulthood diagnosed as autistic. From primary school age he wanted to learn and be the best in his class and had unusual interests for a small child. He now teaches at a university and is a professer and incredibly successful in his field.

He was ( and still is) completely and utterly uninterested in what others think and not very visibly emotional at all. He is incredibly bright and very very quick witted and able to defend himself and hit back with clever words very easily. None of which make him popular at school but do help if what a bully is looking for is a visible sign of fear or uncertainty.

I can't do that at all my emotions show too easily. DS has this problem too and he was very bullied unfortunately

DH says the physical bullying in early secondary school was the main issue because his personality helped with psychological bullying were not at al useful for the more aggressive , angry physical bullies

But it in the 80s and he had an older brother who was much more sporty, physical and able to take care of himself. His brother basically used violence and threats ( in private) against the worst offenders which made the physical bullying stop pretty quickly

So for DH , the verbal bullying didn't stop entirely but it reduced fairly quickly and he was able to do well at school and continued to love the learning, though he never liked the environment of school, it was more an irritation than a trauma.

So for DH it was a combination of an independent personality and an older brother willing to step in and meet physical violence with his own. Without his brother I think DH would have had physical bullying to deal with, which would have been a very different story I think.

A lot of victim blaming on this thread.

Observing children in our local playground this weekend it is clear to me that a shocking number of children are hard-wired to identify anyone who is a bit different and to be shitty towards them. This is especially true in middle class, aspirational families with parents who are successful/sporty etc.

DS 4 is probably mildly neurodiverse - vocal stims, struggles with some of the playground equipment but very outgoing and friendly. It was quite chilling to see a group of older boys in my local park (ages 6 or 7) start mocking his voice and trying to wind him up when he asked if he could play with them. Like, if you don't want to play with him, don't, but where is the need to be an arsehole about it?
It was disturbing to see children of that age who were already so coked up on conformity and who had bought in so deeply to the "nail that sticks out shall be hammered down" mentality.

I imagine this is learned behaviour.

Probably the best protection against bullying is not caring what other people think of you. My son gives absolutely zero fucks. He is an oddball but he is very confident and warm, and makes friends wherever he goes, popular in pre-school (but he is not for everyone as he is eccentric). I can guide him in appropriate social behaviour but honestly it's his not giving a monkeys that will protect him in the long run.

I’m not someone who was bullied in school. Although, by all accounts I could have been. Unusual features, mixed, VERY unusual name, bit space cadet and quirky. Later diagnosed ND. However, when people tried I was very aloof, could be nonchalant and also at home worked very hard on strategies to be unphased, strengthen my own self confidence (was very into reading and self help). Adopted different characters to get me through certain things.

In work, some times people have tried. Even though I’m by nature quiet, and non confrontational. I ALWAYS confront the person trying to belittle me and always bring other people into it rather than keep silent and alone. For example, a colleague behaved very weirdly (read, inappropriate) with me, I spoke about it straight away with them and another colleague and my manager. Was awkward, but led to them apologising profusely and then ending up on extended leave. I do feel sad they’ve ended up on leave but I won’t be bullied. It also happened when I was younger , I just confronted them directly on what they’d said and they didn’t do it again.

I can’t explain but I have a way of confronting in a non threatening way, and I get on with most people in every workplace I’ve ever been in so often manage to have wider social support.

I work hard on believing I am likeable and can get on well with others despite quirks? Rather than allowing myself to feel ‘different’ or weird. My self esteem is quite strong.

I'm not sure it's about victim blaming. If you're shy and quiet, that's fine. Loud, brash types can also get bullied. What's important is that you know how to stick up for yourself and have the confidence to do that. I think it's about self esteem and confidence.

In my experience, most, not all , shy and quiet children tend to have low self confidence in the area of social interaction which is what you need to tell someone to fuck off to their face. So it looks like shy and quiet is a problem when it's not, it's the lack of confidence.

ClockedIt

That means you’re a tough person who is also a nice person, and that’s fine, great even, but teaching nice, quiet people that they should change to adapt to the assholes of the world doesn’t keep them as the same person before, it makes them harder and less trusting, more on edge. I couldn’t ever tell another person to fuck off, I’d get out of the situation somehow hopefully but by talking them around, that’s just who I am and why all of my jobs have definitely been gotten on the basis of my personality, I’ve always been a teamwork person etc

Wanting to please, and being trapped.

When you can leave and try your luck somewhere else, it seems to remove the target from your back- and if it doesn’t, you move. So being trapped in a place is a huge contributor imo.

When you get about your business with no interest in what other people are thinking or feeling, bullies get less traction. When you actually pay attention to them, try and fit in, try and avoid them finding something to pick fault with, you are easier to get at.

There is something protective and I don’t know how we give it to our DC.

Shit spelling. I hate MN's autocorrect.

Jesus. Couldn't agree more.

I have more front than Sainsbury's, on and offline, and it didn't stop bullies from having a go - social exclusion is a good one. I both instances, after a long time, I eventually just broke into the group and they seemed to amazed to say no.

Workplace bullying was different. I got right back on it, every time. I detest the victim as weak narrative.

Bullies bully in the same way dogs lick their genitals: because they can.

Agree, dd1 sadly has been captured by the 'be kind' shite.

But that's her personality- it’s not her fault horrible people take advantage of the fact she is quiet/ nice, and hardening up kids to make them different, ie not as quiet, not as nice isn’t the answer- if the world had nicer people in it there’d be less bullying!!!

Couldn't agree more.

Terrible advice on this thread.
Bullies, particularly in the workplace will bully anyone , particularly those who are smart, successful and happy.
Bullies are jealous, triggered by the success of others.
They don't have the skills to succeed by their own endeavours so they bully, manipulate and recruit others to do their work.
It's lazy victim blaming to say those who are bullied are needy and weak, it embeds the idea that they deserve it.
It's absolutely nothing to do with the victim and everything to do with Bullies being weak.

Once that target is on your back they are so adept at manipulation they will even pretend to be concerned, set up scenarios and " prove" there is something wrong with you.
It's terrifying, the only way is to get out.

The DD2 on this thread punching people for laughing at her sounds ... like a bully

It's confidence. A child from a family home where everyone is loved and valued and they have a range of opportunities etc is less likely to be bullied than someone who comes from a background where their parents don't really care because the first child knows their worth and will have the confidence to stand up to people

Agree, this thread reeks of victim blaming. Being bullied is a sign of weakness?

Jeez. Victim blaming much? Alternatively why not teach people to grow the fuck up and not bully people?

I used to have a friend who fought back after being bullied. Guess who got suspended from school?

But if it's physical, the only way is to fight back hard, immediately.

I guess this depends on where you live? I grew up in a then rough part of London. Fighting back would often get people very badly hurt. You don't want to get noticed in the first place.