To Discuss How Not To Be A Bullying Victim

@ClockedIt Started to reply, but it was swallowed in the ether,no matter.

I think they wanted to wield their power in front of the rest of the management team,and I was an obvious target, being female.

they were, of course,very stupid, because they didn't have anything in their gift that I wanted.

I didn't want promotion, or need others to like me. I was quite happy with what I had.

I had something they'd never have, and that was enough. Enough money, enough influence. Just, enough.

They seemed to hate me for that.

I have no time for this “the bully might have autism/adhd/a bad home life/separated parents” talk. Not one part of that is any of my concern.

My son will be brought up to know that he can hit back and absolutely should. Every single time.

All that “be kind” rubbish breeds victims. I’m not raising a victim.

I know the pacifist mob like to suggest that teaching a child to hit back will mean they’ll be in jail as an adult for violence, but there’s a world of difference between showing some little bastard that you’re capable of looking after yourself and going around assaulting people as an adult.

Apologies if I’m misreading your posts, but This feels like a really sad way for your kids to learn how to deal with conflict? Your DD1 is sensitive and gentle (the qualities you probably want in a person) and she is victim blamed, and DD2 responds with aggression to provocation and that’s somehow a good thing? It doesn’t sound like DD2 is actually learning much resilience that will work in the real world where you can’t just deal with confrontation using your fists.

I was the target of two male bullies later in life. Both were too thick to realise that, although they were senior to me, they had nothing in their gift (popularity, preferment,, more seniority) nothing that I wanted.'. They gave up pretty quickly when they,eventually realised that.

Sad, sad people.

in my experience, not of course in yours, my bully wanted something. The mistake they made was in assuming I wanted the same thing was them.

I was the sort of kid who was bullied, but then in my early teens I realised that it was quite easy to tell what reaction a bully wanted and to do the opposite.

Some bullies wanted to provoke a reaction - so don't react to those ones. For example there was an older boy who used to try to wind me up on the walk home and when I realised he just wanted a reaction, I ignored him. 'Grey rock' basically. Once he snatched my hair band and went dancing down the road expecting me to chase him and get upset, so I kept walking and he just looked like an idiot and had to drop the band on the floor and pretend it hadn't happened.

Other bullies want to make you feel embarrassed and awkward, for example by asking personal questions, so you slink off red-faced to avoid them. The trick is to actually answer them back and give them more detail than they want. Once some boys tried to embarrass me by asking me if I was on my period - I told them that I was and invented some graphic details so they were the ones who ran away.

Same with adults - do the opposite of what they want.

I have a strong personality.

I’m chatty and yet I’ve been bullied 3 times in my life and fought back each time.
schooL was usually a full class ganging up on me. Think of not being picked for the group.
When in work, tasks were being left for me knowing I didn’t have the taught skills ( I was new to the role) to complete the tasks or put in a situation I was forced to deal with without knowing all the information.

Each time it was systemic bullying, not direct but I was made to feel inadequate, a failure, I would make mistakes and be made to feel ashamed but crucial information had been deliberately left out or I had not been taught the correct procedure

Not being neurodivergent helps you to not be a victim of bullying.

I'm autistic. I was diagnosed in my mid 50s. The psychologists who diagnosed me said they thought I was very vulnerable to bullying because of not understanding body language, facial expressions, inferences and all sorts of other ways that people communicate. Also low self-esteem, people pleasing tendencies etc.

The worst bully I ever had was exDP. He was very good it because he is very intelligent (has a PhD). He managed to convince me that his bullying was largely my fault. So obviously that was domestic abuse.

Bullying is an absolutely wicked thing to do. My DS was bullied at school. It's horrendous and ultimately can result in suicide.

I found that the parents of bullies either deny or condone it. Schools have absolutely no idea how to tackle it. DS was made to sit down with his bully, explain what he was doing was upsetting him and why. I mean, it should be obvious that taking someone's stuff and wrecking/binning it is upsetting them? Or calling them a fucking retard and tripping them up? Sticking pens into their body in lessons? It's obvious stuff. Yet DS was made to explain.

All it did was make the bully do it more. As it was clearly having the desired impact.

Only one thing, after several years and a growth spurt, got through to this bully and that was unfortunately my DS bashing him. My DS has never hurt anyone before or since, and this was 10 years ago now. He didn't want to do it, but was left with no options after systematic bullying. The bully moved on to other victims, continuing this shitty behaviour and destroying people's lives. When older, these new teen victims (not my DS), cornered this bully together and really beat the shit out of him - not just the one big bash like my DS did. I have to say, I was pleased and happy to hear that these kids had done this.

Society doesn't tackle bullying. It destroys people's lives. Almost all school shooters have been victims of severe bullying. When this stuff happens, people wonder why. Bullying is why, plain and simple.

I don't agree with using violence back. I did that once and got bullied much worse for it. For years, I blamed that bully, but now I realise I could have been arrested myself for what I did.
Also, if you hit someone the same size as you, next one might be their big brother.

Being the victim of violence is better than being the victim of verbal abuse though because you can prove it. Verbal/subtle bullying can be impossible to prove. I had a workplace bully who just didn't talk to me or gave me dirty looks. i couldn't make any kind of complaint against her.

This is the kind of message which I would have disagreed with a few years ago but unfortunately I completely agree now. So many parents don't care that their children are bullies as long as they are not being bullied and schools hands are so tied that these kids get away with far far to much. I've told my child not to throw the first punch and always be kind as a rule but they are not required to be kind to bullies. Sometimes a smack in the chops is all that will register for them.

It's great isn't it! Glad you liked it. It's such a clever way to deal with bullies. But ultimately, very hard to implement if your immediate and natural reaction is to be upset or defensive. Or if you're terrified of your bully. But, if we can teach our kids to approach it in a similar way, or at least talk about the theory, it might help.

It’s interesting to consider what exactly is bullying? The same behaviours will be labelled it by one person but not another.

example - A girl in y7 constantly accuses the other girls of bullying. She regularly doesn’t want to go to school and cries in the playground etc.

I have witnessed first hand many incidents and I honestly do not think she is being bullied. She’s over sensitive and desperate to fit in, but goes about it in the wrong way. For example if the girls are playing football she will cry about not getting the ball. Or stand in front of the goal and then cry that the ball has hit her. Or refuse to play but then stand on the sidelines crying that she’s being “left out”. The other girls are exasperated by her behaviour, and even more so when the parents regularly complain she’s being bullied. They try their best to include her but she’s really a bit of a wet lettuce and manipulative so whatever they do risks getting twisted into a drama. I myself have assigned groups for projects and then had complains that the other groups are “leaving her out”. When of course they are not - she has a group to work with!

In my view she needs support and possibly some play therapy to learn how to make friends and join in. And some resilience that it can’t always go her way. But when that is suggested to the parents they accuse the school of cover up and being unsupportive.

This. It’s about self assurance and inner steel.

People tried to bully me. I genuinely didn’t give a shit about their opinion. Takes away their power.

My children are taught to stand up for themselves and have a healthy disregard for others views. Be true to yourself. I also talk to them a lot about the world and how adults behave (not always well) and share news and social stories about how people deal with situations in good ways and bad ways. I try and offer both sides of the stories and let them think about what they think is right and what’s best to do. I’m very open about family dynamics and how decisions in the wider family are made. Avoids them being gullible / not worldly wise which also makes an easy target.

You're very welcome. I hope the book helps you as much as it's helped me. 💕

Thank you to the poster who linked to that book on workplace bullying. I was bullied by my manager to such an extent that I had significant mental health struggles and ended up resigning the job I loved (before she took charge). I do not think I was weak or insecure: on the contrary, I was well-liked by my colleagues, was good at my job, reliable and conscientious. This manager hated me for it and did everything she could to undermine me and make me feel insecure in my job when I was at my most vulnerable (eg when had health problems which temporarily impacted my job, after the death of my mother etc). I have since left that job and feel a million times better for it. I certainly did not invite her to bully me through any weakness or uncertainty in my personality. She just hated what I stood for. She was also the union rep so there was no point going down that route. Often the bullies are the weak ones in these scenarios. She must have known somewhere deep down that she was a horrible, unloveable person, but didn’t have the insight to recognise it or change it in herself.