To Discuss How Not To Be A Bullying Victim

ClockedIt · 2025-10-09T07:45:14+00:00

There was another thread on a similar but not same subject this week that that mentions that this would be a good subject to explore but, to use a well worn phrase ‘would be the subject of a different thread’. That thread had some really interesting posts about group dynamics. I had a discussion a while ago about this with someone who had been badly bullied - didn’t fit in in school, college or work. We became friendly and had a lot of deep personal chats. I said to him “who is most likely to become a victim of bullying - is it someone with no friends?” He said “no - not exactly someone with no friends - it’s someone who is unsure” Even though he was bullied, he had a good perception of people and people’s motivations. Someone else I spoke to said that people pick on differences between people but if a person with differences has a strong personality that deters bullies. Any thoughts?

Original poster

ClockedIt · 26/10/2025 02:32

been thinking recently about something else relevant to this thread.

If an already unpopular person is perceived in a ‘social’ - (I.e could be a work situation but where there are people involved) situation to do something ‘wrong’ - they are hounded to the brink - I’ve seen this situation play out many times - for instance -

awkward lacking confidence women works in very male dominated profession known for bullying - accused of leaving nasty deposits etc in toilet and hounded for this

very quiet awkward man in work was deemed to be ‘rude’ in one occasion to a more social popular woman in work and she actually announced that from now on she was going to make his life hell

Fat, lacking confidence girl in school locked in storeroom by other pupils in the school and falsely accused by them of performing a sexual act on the boy - she didn’t - she was hounded in the school until the day she left

awkward lacking confidence woman in work falsely accused of saying she was pregnant by a work colleague - when she didn’t say that - but she was sadly hounded out of company

these are examples I can think of - so yes if a person who’s already ‘unpopular’ by virtue of being too quiet, awkward etc also does something deemed ‘wrong’ (in other people’s eyes) omg they’re seen as so fair game for bullying !

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Original poster

ClockedIt · 17/10/2025 09:12

Having a crush has enabled me to gain much more self esteem - you all of a sudden have much more energy and confidence and this deters bullies

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Original poster

ClockedIt · 16/10/2025 08:34

Unpopular post but yes in school there was a few times I was a bully. I have been both bully and bullied and I wish I hadn’t. Looking back it was coming from an abusive home with inconsistent parenting - volatile mother and weak enabling father.

I very much regret it now but I did pick on the girl who was very physically and socially awkward and as a very young kid - of around 4/5 was violent towards her but I pretty quickly thankfully grew out of it. Looking back I was a loner as a young child and had emotional problems.

The girl who I picked on somewhat always lacked confidence but by the time I was 18 I liked her and got on with her. As she got older she went from being awkward to more inner confidence and developed more self respect.

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Original poster

ClockedIt · 15/10/2025 15:14

tedx · 12/10/2025 09:04

I'm not sure it's about victim blaming. If you're shy and quiet, that's fine. Loud, brash types can also get bullied. What's important is that you know how to stick up for yourself and have the confidence to do that. I think it's about self esteem and confidence.

In my experience, most, not all , shy and quiet children tend to have low self confidence in the area of social interaction which is what you need to tell someone to fuck off to their face. So it looks like shy and quiet is a problem when it's not, it's the lack of confidence.

Yes I agree with this

Shy more often than not goes hand in hand with lack of confidence but being quiet doesn’t necessarily.

Shy and quiet are different

you can be quiet with LOADS of inner confidence and not at all sensitive whereas shy suggests sensitivity

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Original poster

ClockedIt · 15/10/2025 13:19

CryMyEyesViolet · 11/10/2025 12:26

I’m not sure this is all entirely true. I was bullied at school, but only recognise it as bullying now I’m an adult. It wasn’t physical but this girl and her friends would go out of their way to spread rumours and turn people against me.

She was of higher social status but I was incredibly secure in myself, and it just didn’t really bother me. I think it might have been rooted in jealousy for various reasons and she just escalated and escalated. I got on with my life with my friends, and at one point she screamed at me in the street in front of our peer group and I just wanted away, and she was so angry.

I’m a bit quirky and was very clever at school, but I honestly didn’t care what she or her cronies thought of me. So I think there’s a bit of anyone can get bullied, but it doesn’t have the same effect on everyone.

I don’t think there was any real instances of physical bullying at our school, I certainly can’t remember ever seeing it or being aware of it (there were fights but usually between equals) - so this was probably as bad as bullying behaviour got in my school.

inner confidence can be an important buffer against bullying. I was a fat kid but then lost weight to become ‘normal weight’

if I was made fun of for making a social gaff after losing weight - I didn’t care because my weight loss gave me a certain from this - I also felt as I’d been fat and ‘hiding away’ so long I was bound to make social gaffes after losing weight due to lack of social experience

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TheWildZebra · 14/10/2025 22:23

Hereforthecommentz · 14/10/2025 19:07

I know it doesn't sound right but in the real world it's true. Being sensitive and kind doesn't help in these situations. My dd had friendship issues not bullying per say but leaving out and some spitefulness. She actually developed an ED. I wish she just told them to piss off but that's not the way she is. My son who is confident and will definitely stick up for himself won't have these difficulties in life. Sadly the world or should I say bullies see kindness as a weakness. My lovely sensitive child lost her whole sense of self. Luckily she has come out the other side of her illness and now is still sweet and kind and surrounds herself with kids who are lovely. She has also learnt that you can not let people take the piss and wouldn't allow her friends to treat her like that again.

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I completely get what you’re saying but don’t you think there’s a difference between sticking up for yourself and then punching the other kids? What you describe seems far more appropriate?

Original poster

ClockedIt · 14/10/2025 20:59

daddysgirlnot · 14/10/2025 19:49

Thank you for your response, but the workplace bullying I’m experiencing is more subtle… having warm conversations with others, but very frosty with me. Sharp tone without being overtly nasty. Just very aware that something is ‘off’. I go in everyday, be myself and try not to let it irritate me, coz I wouldn’t socialise with them outside of work. Today I just feel deflated at a little bit shit about it though.

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This is awful when it happens I do sympathise

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PassOnThat · 14/10/2025 20:52

I think a lot of kids don't get enough experience of unstructured social situations outside the family and school. One of the best strategies for "bully-proofing" children imo is to give them plenty of time hanging out in playgrounds making friends and playing with whoever turns up. The children who learn early on how to say "can I play with you?" and how to make emotional connections with others have an advantage. Some children find this very difficult.

daddysgirlnot · 14/10/2025 19:49

Hereforthecommentz · 14/10/2025 19:14

The answer is sticking up for yourself. ' please don't speak to me like that' 'I don't appreciate the way you spoke to me' make a log of it, keep any evidence, take to HR if it carries on. I've worked with some bolshy characters, some try it on with new staff but if they stick up for themselves they back off.

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Thank you for your response, but the workplace bullying I’m experiencing is more subtle… having warm conversations with others, but very frosty with me. Sharp tone without being overtly nasty. Just very aware that something is ‘off’. I go in everyday, be myself and try not to let it irritate me, coz I wouldn’t socialise with them outside of work. Today I just feel deflated at a little bit shit about it though.

HelloJemJem · 14/10/2025 19:40

BigOldBlobsy · 12/10/2025 09:05

I’m not someone who was bullied in school. Although, by all accounts I could have been. Unusual features, mixed, VERY unusual name, bit space cadet and quirky. Later diagnosed ND. However, when people tried I was very aloof, could be nonchalant and also at home worked very hard on strategies to be unphased, strengthen my own self confidence (was very into reading and self help). Adopted different characters to get me through certain things.

In work, some times people have tried. Even though I’m by nature quiet, and non confrontational. I ALWAYS confront the person trying to belittle me and always bring other people into it rather than keep silent and alone. For example, a colleague behaved very weirdly (read, inappropriate) with me, I spoke about it straight away with them and another colleague and my manager. Was awkward, but led to them apologising profusely and then ending up on extended leave. I do feel sad they’ve ended up on leave but I won’t be bullied. It also happened when I was younger , I just confronted them directly on what they’d said and they didn’t do it again.

I can’t explain but I have a way of confronting in a non threatening way, and I get on with most people in every workplace I’ve ever been in so often manage to have wider social support.

I work hard on believing I am likeable and can get on well with others despite quirks? Rather than allowing myself to feel ‘different’ or weird. My self esteem is quite strong.

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What a lovely post. I like your style. Can you've an example how you confront them? Can be a made up one - but the approach?

Bumdrops · 14/10/2025 19:26

I’m surprised so much of this thread is about physical violence as the answer to bullying -
in my experience bullying is psychological- especially in the age of phones / social media / 24/7
punching someone who is being physically threatening makes sense - indeed, my dad always said don’t just hit him, pick up something to hit them with, so they stay down ! !
but bullying is more likely to be being socially excluded / ignored / mocked - more subtle / insidious? That is harder to respond to with a punch !!🥊

Hereforthecommentz · 14/10/2025 19:14

daddysgirlnot · 14/10/2025 19:08

I’d like the answer to this too

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The answer is sticking up for yourself. ' please don't speak to me like that' 'I don't appreciate the way you spoke to me' make a log of it, keep any evidence, take to HR if it carries on. I've worked with some bolshy characters, some try it on with new staff but if they stick up for themselves they back off.

daddysgirlnot · 14/10/2025 19:08

Kurkara · 11/10/2025 08:24

I'm noticing how unhelpful the advice about how to respond to schoolyard bullying is to my experience of workplace bullying.
As emotionally satisfying as it is to imagine smacking a bullying work colleague I'd rightly be up for assault. Also unemployed and possibly unemployable.
Are there people who learned non-violent responses to bullying in school who were then able to apply that in the workplace?
Or does physically defending yourself in childhood translate to confidence and gravitas that prevents bullying in adulthood?

I’d like the answer to this too

Hereforthecommentz · 14/10/2025 19:07

TheWildZebra · 13/10/2025 22:20

Apologies if I’m misreading your posts, but This feels like a really sad way for your kids to learn how to deal with conflict? Your DD1 is sensitive and gentle (the qualities you probably want in a person) and she is victim blamed, and DD2 responds with aggression to provocation and that’s somehow a good thing? It doesn’t sound like DD2 is actually learning much resilience that will work in the real world where you can’t just deal with confrontation using your fists.

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I know it doesn't sound right but in the real world it's true. Being sensitive and kind doesn't help in these situations. My dd had friendship issues not bullying per say but leaving out and some spitefulness. She actually developed an ED. I wish she just told them to piss off but that's not the way she is. My son who is confident and will definitely stick up for himself won't have these difficulties in life. Sadly the world or should I say bullies see kindness as a weakness. My lovely sensitive child lost her whole sense of self. Luckily she has come out the other side of her illness and now is still sweet and kind and surrounds herself with kids who are lovely. She has also learnt that you can not let people take the piss and wouldn't allow her friends to treat her like that again.

Original poster

ClockedIt · 14/10/2025 18:57

EmeraldShamrock000 · 14/10/2025 18:43

Human beings are born to recognise weaknesses and strength in others, some cunt like people use this to intimate others, depending on how they're brought up.
My DM waa a softie, easily bullied, she always said, see weaknesses as an opportunity to help, see strength as an opportunity to learn.
I am hyper aware of people who are easily bullied, it got me on trouble a few times defending them, i was tough but sensitive to others.

That’s great my DP sounds like you

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Hereforthecommentz · 14/10/2025 18:49

It's about confidence. I could have been bullied I suppose, I was a tomboy, ,ugly but I could stick up for myself and had humor so was friendly with the geeks and the popular kids. I did go to a 'nice' school though, maybe in another setting it might have been different. My other half was from a rough area so he has instilled in our kids to always stick up for yourself and fight back because where he lived if you didn't you would be in trouble. Our dd is quiet and wouldn't like confrontation so she does struggle with this. My son is very confident and more than capable of standing up for himself. Bullies do look for people that won't fight back. They are cowards. The same applies to a workplace setting you must hold your own and stick up for yourself, verbally.

Balloonhearts · 14/10/2025 18:49

My dad gave me the best advice when I was being bullied. Showed me how and where to hit them to have the best chance of breaking something and told me I had to be more willing to hurt them than they were to hurt me.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 14/10/2025 18:46

Namechagergamechangwr91 · 14/10/2025 18:35

I was never bullied as a child or teen, but I was secure in myself + did martial arts..... and I think what really helped me tbh is my older sister started on me at school and I won the fight infront of everyone.... so that gained me a reputation that kept me safe I think

I have been bullied as an adult. It was horrendous. If it had started like most bullies do then I think I could of handled it better but these women attacked me first and then spent months calling me names, following me, telling lies about me. ( I had no idea thr attack was coming, they'd said my 5 year old had punched one of their children..... we all spoke to school who said Mt dyspraxic had accidently fell into the child during pe and knocked her over) but they just wanted a reason to bully me

If it had been a build up I suspect it would of never of got as far as it did as I'm normally quite a confident person..... but they literally attacked me on my way jome from the school run it was horrific. I was anorexic at the time and I'm 5'1.... I'm not exaggerating when I say these woman were both over 5'9 and weighed 13st and 18 stone each. Thr attack was such a shock it really knocked my confidence

They harassed me for 18 months after the attack, they only left me alone when I made a large group of loud friends. Even then, one of them always makes sly comments if she sees me on my own, never when I'm with my friends

Absolutely disgusting, horrible excuses for human beings.
I hope they find themselves on the receiving end one day.
I'm so sorry, you can't reason with the unreasonable.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 14/10/2025 18:43

Human beings are born to recognise weaknesses and strength in others, some cunt like people use this to intimate others, depending on how they're brought up.
My DM waa a softie, easily bullied, she always said, see weaknesses as an opportunity to help, see strength as an opportunity to learn.
I am hyper aware of people who are easily bullied, it got me on trouble a few times defending them, i was tough but sensitive to others.

Original poster

ClockedIt · 14/10/2025 18:39

Namechagergamechangwr91 · 14/10/2025 18:35

I was never bullied as a child or teen, but I was secure in myself + did martial arts..... and I think what really helped me tbh is my older sister started on me at school and I won the fight infront of everyone.... so that gained me a reputation that kept me safe I think

I have been bullied as an adult. It was horrendous. If it had started like most bullies do then I think I could of handled it better but these women attacked me first and then spent months calling me names, following me, telling lies about me. ( I had no idea thr attack was coming, they'd said my 5 year old had punched one of their children..... we all spoke to school who said Mt dyspraxic had accidently fell into the child during pe and knocked her over) but they just wanted a reason to bully me

If it had been a build up I suspect it would of never of got as far as it did as I'm normally quite a confident person..... but they literally attacked me on my way jome from the school run it was horrific. I was anorexic at the time and I'm 5'1.... I'm not exaggerating when I say these woman were both over 5'9 and weighed 13st and 18 stone each. Thr attack was such a shock it really knocked my confidence

They harassed me for 18 months after the attack, they only left me alone when I made a large group of loud friends. Even then, one of them always makes sly comments if she sees me on my own, never when I'm with my friends

Omg this sounds absolutely awful. ❤️

They sound like terrible cowards.

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Namechagergamechangwr91 · 14/10/2025 18:35

I was never bullied as a child or teen, but I was secure in myself + did martial arts..... and I think what really helped me tbh is my older sister started on me at school and I won the fight infront of everyone.... so that gained me a reputation that kept me safe I think

I have been bullied as an adult. It was horrendous. If it had started like most bullies do then I think I could of handled it better but these women attacked me first and then spent months calling me names, following me, telling lies about me. ( I had no idea thr attack was coming, they'd said my 5 year old had punched one of their children..... we all spoke to school who said Mt dyspraxic had accidently fell into the child during pe and knocked her over) but they just wanted a reason to bully me

If it had been a build up I suspect it would of never of got as far as it did as I'm normally quite a confident person..... but they literally attacked me on my way jome from the school run it was horrific. I was anorexic at the time and I'm 5'1.... I'm not exaggerating when I say these woman were both over 5'9 and weighed 13st and 18 stone each. Thr attack was such a shock it really knocked my confidence

They harassed me for 18 months after the attack, they only left me alone when I made a large group of loud friends. Even then, one of them always makes sly comments if she sees me on my own, never when I'm with my friends

Original poster

ClockedIt · 14/10/2025 18:24

Bladderpool · 11/10/2025 09:00

I was never bullied in school but I was in my first job when I was 17. It was by a woman old enough to be my mother, she was horrible to me, constantly criticised my work, appearance, life choices. She eroded my confidence and I was genuinely scared of her.

I’d like to say that I put her in her place but that never happened, I just escaped from the job and was a thousand times happier but I was determined never to let it happen again and in future jobs when anyone tried it, I either nipped it in the bud or looked for something else because I wasn’t going through that again.

I think adult bullying in workplaces is different from school bullying.

ive actually found - if I’ve been bullied in a workplace just acting confident is enough to deter bullies rather than calling bullies out on actual behaviour. When I act confident and strong with a ‘definite’ voice - I find the bullies respect me 🤷‍♂️

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Moonless · 14/10/2025 02:42

My feisty one DD2 was labelled the trouble maker for fighting back, unfortunately the wee bitches ganged up, lied and were believed because 4 voices against one. It didn't stop until a member of staff witnessed their behaviour.
I was a quirky child, but secure in my quirkiness, I was never bullied.
I don't really know the answer to bullying, but I'm still shocked at the behaviour of the bullies, their aim was to get DD2 expelled or in trouble with the police. One of them is now training to be a paediatric nurse, I hope she has changed.

Original poster

ClockedIt · 14/10/2025 01:55

Echobelly · 13/10/2025 22:03

I was the sort of kid who was bullied, but then in my early teens I realised that it was quite easy to tell what reaction a bully wanted and to do the opposite.

Some bullies wanted to provoke a reaction - so don't react to those ones. For example there was an older boy who used to try to wind me up on the walk home and when I realised he just wanted a reaction, I ignored him. 'Grey rock' basically. Once he snatched my hair band and went dancing down the road expecting me to chase him and get upset, so I kept walking and he just looked like an idiot and had to drop the band on the floor and pretend it hadn't happened.

Other bullies want to make you feel embarrassed and awkward, for example by asking personal questions, so you slink off red-faced to avoid them. The trick is to actually answer them back and give them more detail than they want. Once some boys tried to embarrass me by asking me if I was on my period - I told them that I was and invented some graphic details so they were the ones who ran away.

Same with adults - do the opposite of what they want.

The asking personal questions bullies are AWFULand it’s them that’s caused me the most destruction in life

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Peridoteage · 13/10/2025 23:26

My kids have are very confident, almost to the point of having a cocky streak. I had a phase of trying to nip this in the bud because I was worried about how it came across.

I then stopped. Because i realised that actually, that fabulous confidence is protective.They ignore those who tease them, they have a sureness in themselves, they suffer set backs well. They like themselves & that's okay.