Page 8 | To feel slightly miffed about paying for a dress now?

confusedlady10 · 2025-10-08T13:35:21+00:00

My close friend is getting married in Thailand and she has asked me to be a bridesmaid. At first I was going to decline as I couldn’t afford to travel that far out for the wedding for 7 days (single mum on low income) but got a small bonus from work and used it to pay part of the flights/trip and took out a credit card to pay the rest. because she’s paying for the accommodation for everyone it made it a bit easier for me financially to change my decision. Her background is Indian and she has gone back home to pick out her dresses and bridesmaid dresses, and sent me the one her and her family have chosen. The dresses cost £250 each and tbf they are stunning. She then said she would get mine and I could transfer her when she came back to the UK. I was in shock due to the price and asked if I would be able to find something cheaper myself which she has accepted. I asked my other friend who is Indian (separate friendships) if she knew any nice shops to buy a cheap Indian style bridesmaid dress. She gave me a few but again out of my budget which is max £80. However she brought up that in Indian culture the bride always pays for the dresses and was in shock that I am having to pay out of pocket. I told her I don’t mind too much as long as the price is fair and don’t know anything much about this as their culture. But her reaction made me think maybe it is a bit unreasonable to expect me to pay for the dress in the first place (my own objections are regardless of culture). The dress my friend has picked is very high quality and has lots of embellishments in a certain beautiful shade and I’m worried I wont be able to afford a dress that can match and look nearly as nice as the other bridesmaids and will stick out like a sore thumb. I will have to suck it up and just buy something cheap but do feel a bit miffed and I'm struggling to find anything so far. YABU- You should should not feel miffed to pay for a dress no matter the quality. YANBU - She should be paying for the dress.

Ocean369 · 09/10/2025 18:01

I’m of Indian origin. The bride should be paying for the dress.

eatingandeating24 · 09/10/2025 17:55

Try and negotiate. Be up front and of course polite. If she can afford to travel to India to pick up dresses several dresses and all other stuff -- she can help a friend . Only fair. Good luck.

allmymonkeys · 09/10/2025 17:54

Oh crumbs.

She really should at least have thought to ask before she committed you to £250 for an outfit. I'm not voting because I have no idea about the etiquette of who traditionally pays for what, but as your close friend surely she realises you're on a pretty strict budget?

The trouble is, in lots of people's minds if the bulk of expenses have been covered - in this case, she's stumping up the accommodation and you're "only" paying for the dress - that means the rest is affordable. But from your point of view 250 quid is 250 quid that you haven't got.

I'm sure she doesn't comprehend the stress this is going to cause you. Hadn't you better tell her frankly that even for this truly special occasion you just don't have the money? She can then either offer to pay for the dress or just let you off the bridesmaid hook [I wouldn't go for the budget dress option, it could be horrendously embarrassing all round].

Caroparo52 · 09/10/2025 17:52

Its a very annoying and unreasonable trend that brides expect their best friends and loved ones to fork out £100's if not £1000's on their fucking wedding. I would politely decline the whole package and send a card

Ellejay67 · 09/10/2025 17:49

Just say you're really sorry to decline the job of bridesmaid but will love being a guest.

deeahgwitch · 09/10/2025 11:28

@confusedlady10You are being too nice.
You have been advised that it is not usual in the bride’s culture for a bridesmaid to have to pay for the bridesmaid dress etc.
Yet you say how lovely your friend the bride is.
Posters are saying they think the bride would be happy for their friend - you- to come, even wearing a bin bag rather than not attend the wedding.
But I don’t think she is that type of friend. She’s shown you who she is - a bride who expects her bridesmaids to pay for their dress etc when she knows perfectly well that is an expense you can well do without.
If you go as “just” a guest will you have to pay for accommodation?
If so, buying a bridesmaid dress would be cheaper 😀
Weigh it up.

Mywindow · 09/10/2025 09:35

So you asked if you could shop for a cheaper alternative and she said ok?

I can’t believe she didn’t offer to at least contribute!! Her bridesmaid is basically saying… I can’t afford this!!

Penguincushion · 09/10/2025 06:34

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HiCandles · 09/10/2025 06:29

confusedlady10 · 08/10/2025 23:43

I asked if it would be ok for me to source a cheaper alternative for myself which she agreed. Now I'm scouring the net and still feel small in comparison when I look at the dresses online vs what she picked out. However, she isn't judgy at all and she's genuinely a nice person, I just don't think she considered that £250 would be dear to me. Her family are well of and she has decent finances from what I know about her and her life/job, so she was probably just clueless. I'll have to just pick something at this point, all that matters is that I show up for her big day. Thank you.

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Have you actually told her that she should be buying the dress? Why not?

A bridesmaid dress is a wedding expense. Is she going to be asking guests to chip in for the venue hire and food too?!

Original poster

confusedlady10 · 09/10/2025 00:44

Thanksforyourlackofthought · 08/10/2025 23:57

Do not feel small! You are absolutely not. You are spending an awful lot of money to celebrate your friends marriage. That’s a huge commitment on your part and just shows what a good friend you are. If you were my friend, you could turn up in a flipping bin bag and I’d just be very happy that you wanted to share my day with me and that you would go to that amount of effort. ❤️

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Haha. Thank you.

OP posts:

Thanksforyourlackofthought · 08/10/2025 23:57

confusedlady10 · 08/10/2025 23:43

I asked if it would be ok for me to source a cheaper alternative for myself which she agreed. Now I'm scouring the net and still feel small in comparison when I look at the dresses online vs what she picked out. However, she isn't judgy at all and she's genuinely a nice person, I just don't think she considered that £250 would be dear to me. Her family are well of and she has decent finances from what I know about her and her life/job, so she was probably just clueless. I'll have to just pick something at this point, all that matters is that I show up for her big day. Thank you.

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Do not feel small! You are absolutely not. You are spending an awful lot of money to celebrate your friends marriage. That’s a huge commitment on your part and just shows what a good friend you are. If you were my friend, you could turn up in a flipping bin bag and I’d just be very happy that you wanted to share my day with me and that you would go to that amount of effort. ❤️

Original poster

confusedlady10 · 08/10/2025 23:43

Thanksforyourlackofthought · 08/10/2025 23:31

OP, sounds like an amazing trip and you’re obviously a good friend. Could you maybe contact your friend and just say that you are really looking forward to it but the dress is a bit more than you can afford so does she know anybody that could lend you something that would work or does she know where you could hire something from?
I’m sure she would be really upset to not have you as a bridesmaid due to the cost of a dress.
With you already agreeing to go and having paid for your flights she may not realise that you don’t have that money to spare on a dress. Please just be honest with her so you can find a solution. I really hope you can sort it and have an amazing time.

I asked if it would be ok for me to source a cheaper alternative for myself which she agreed. Now I'm scouring the net and still feel small in comparison when I look at the dresses online vs what she picked out. However, she isn't judgy at all and she's genuinely a nice person, I just don't think she considered that £250 would be dear to me. Her family are well of and she has decent finances from what I know about her and her life/job, so she was probably just clueless. I'll have to just pick something at this point, all that matters is that I show up for her big day. Thank you.

OP posts:

whatcanthematterbe81 · 08/10/2025 23:37

I bought all my bridesmaids dresses. They didn’t ask to be bridesmaids

Thanksforyourlackofthought · 08/10/2025 23:31

OP, sounds like an amazing trip and you’re obviously a good friend. Could you maybe contact your friend and just say that you are really looking forward to it but the dress is a bit more than you can afford so does she know anybody that could lend you something that would work or does she know where you could hire something from?
I’m sure she would be really upset to not have you as a bridesmaid due to the cost of a dress.
With you already agreeing to go and having paid for your flights she may not realise that you don’t have that money to spare on a dress. Please just be honest with her so you can find a solution. I really hope you can sort it and have an amazing time.

HiCandles · 08/10/2025 23:05

I don't really see the need for all this dissection of your finances. I just don't think it matters - you don't need to justify to your friend or anyone here why you feel £250 is too much. You can't or don't want to spend it, nobody's elses business why.
Being perfectly honest I could easily afford a £250 dress. It would just mean that much less contributed in savings that month. However I wouldn't want to have to spend it when the bridesmaid dress should be bought by the bride. I certainly bought all dresses, hair etc for my bridesmaids. Now if a friend was really hard up, having a tiny wedding, genuinely couldn't afford to have bridesmaids if it involved buying the dresses, then I probably would be happy to pay myself. But for her just to assume and basically invoice you, that is extremely poor manners. And without even running the cost past you first!
In your situation I would send a message saying 'Hi, just regarding the BM dress cost, I'm not sure if I've misunderstood what you meant but paying for the dress is normally taken care of as part of the wedding budget. Same as if any specific shoes are needed, hair and make up, or corsages. Feels a bit like you are saying I should be paying but obviously that's not going to be possible for me as it's not my cost to pay for. It's a beautiful dress you've chosen!'

RabbitsEatPancakes · 08/10/2025 22:39

How embarrassing of her to ask you to pay for a bridesmaid dress. Very naff.

Brides should pay for all bridesmaid expenses if they want you to look a certain way or be somewhere at a certain time.

Original poster

confusedlady10 · 08/10/2025 22:33

StartingApril2025 · 08/10/2025 21:41

People are being very rude to you on this post. I would likely do the same as you, I would also see the bonus as bonus money so absolutely why should you not treat yourself. I regularly pay for things over a few months on credit cards and don’t consider myself financially irresponsible! Again like yourself maybe savings or assets are not easy accessible and therefore using a credit card is handy. My only concern for you would be if they spring any extra costs on you during the week like food, day trips etc but you’re confident that’s all covered so hopefully won’t be an issue. I hope you have a fab holiday !

I agree. A bonus isn't something I should expect or force myself to be frugal with. The itinerary is jam packed and fully laid out detailed and paid for so there wouldn't be any time in the day for random costly trips anyway. Thank you for your kind words.

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Original poster

confusedlady10 · 08/10/2025 22:30

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/10/2025 21:10

If she is playing for the entire wedding then why isn’t she paying for the bm dress@confusedlady10

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That's exactly my AIBU. I was in shock. She is a good friend to me but wasn't sure if I was being cheeky considering she's paying for the whole wedding. My other Indian friend was going on about it from a culture perspective, but tbh in general I wasn't expecting to have to pay no matter the cost! I still want to go but it's a bit awkward to bring it up. I can find a reasonably priced dress, just won't look have as nice.

OP posts:

LovelySunset · 08/10/2025 21:56

For what it’s worth, OP, I think you actually have a very reasonable and healthy attitude towards money despite some of the replies here (possibly lots from one person who is name-changing?!).

You have thought about this carefully, it clearly means a lot to you, you’ve said you can pay it off over a few months. All sounds very reasonable.

Enjoy the holiday!

LEWWW · 08/10/2025 21:53

Look on Vinted maybe? They have a lens search feature now so if you take a photo of the dress she has you can find one that looks similar? :)

StartingApril2025 · 08/10/2025 21:41

People are being very rude to you on this post. I would likely do the same as you, I would also see the bonus as bonus money so absolutely why should you not treat yourself. I regularly pay for things over a few months on credit cards and don’t consider myself financially irresponsible! Again like yourself maybe savings or assets are not easy accessible and therefore using a credit card is handy. My only concern for you would be if they spring any extra costs on you during the week like food, day trips etc but you’re confident that’s all covered so hopefully won’t be an issue. I hope you have a fab holiday !

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/10/2025 21:10

confusedlady10 · 08/10/2025 20:43

Because I didn't want people thinking I should just stump up the cost for the dress if I am going to Thailand anyway which isn't exactly round the corner. My credit card will be paid off in a few months and again paying it off quickly on time will boost my credit score anyway as an added plus. I could pay it off now but my savings are fixed. However, without my bonus paying half, no I wouldn't have gone. With it, I am happily to pay for a luxury for myself once in a while for £600 for the remainder. My friend is paying for the entire wedding, travel and food and I have the full itinerary. I am paying for my flights only. I just felt paying for a dress of that price (not everyone's income can afford something disposable like that, again that will be only worn once) is unreasonable as it's her wedding anyway.

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If she is playing for the entire wedding then why isn’t she paying for the bm dress@confusedlady10

Othersideofworld · 08/10/2025 21:04

OP, jump into the style and shopping threads and see what those posters suggest about finding a similar coloured dress. I think you are beating a dead horse on this thread and really don’t need to justify your parenting/holiday/budgeting/credit card choices and more.

Laura95167 · 08/10/2025 20:54

confusedlady10 · 08/10/2025 14:38

I was thinking to do that or how to word it. I hate confrontation (even in a non-argument way) and would feel embarrassed to have to admit that that dress/cost is the issue. We are close good friends and don't know how to word it without her feeling bad or feeling offended.

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She wasnt worried about confronting you for the money for an expensive dress she picked and wants you to wear?!? Especially considering im sure she will know youre a single mum?

Id be honest. Im sorry I cant afford £250 on a dress ill wear once, and i cant even afford a "cheap" alternative, i think i best step down as a bridesmaid but ill still attend as im so looking forward to sharing this day with you