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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel slightly miffed about paying for a dress now?

389 replies

confusedlady10 · 08/10/2025 14:35

My close friend is getting married in Thailand and she has asked me to be a bridesmaid. At first I was going to decline as I couldn’t afford to travel that far out for the wedding for 7 days (single mum on low income) but got a small bonus from work and used it to pay part of the flights/trip and took out a credit card to pay the rest. because she’s paying for the accommodation for everyone it made it a bit easier for me financially to change my decision. Her background is Indian and she has gone back home to pick out her dresses and bridesmaid dresses, and sent me the one her and her family have chosen. The dresses cost £250 each and tbf they are stunning. She then said she would get mine and I could transfer her when she came back to the UK.

I was in shock due to the price and asked if I would be able to find something cheaper myself which she has accepted. I asked my other friend who is Indian (separate friendships) if she knew any nice shops to buy a cheap Indian style bridesmaid dress. She gave me a few but again out of my budget which is max £80. However she brought up that in Indian culture the bride always pays for the dresses and was in shock that I am having to pay out of pocket. I told her I don’t mind too much as long as the price is fair and don’t know anything much about this as their culture.

But her reaction made me think maybe it is a bit unreasonable to expect me to pay for the dress in the first place (my own objections are regardless of culture). The dress my friend has picked is very high quality and has lots of embellishments in a certain beautiful shade and I’m worried I wont be able to afford a dress that can match and look nearly as nice as the other bridesmaids and will stick out like a sore thumb. I will have to suck it up and just buy something cheap but do feel a bit miffed and I'm struggling to find anything so far.

YABU- You should should not feel miffed to pay for a dress no matter the quality.
YANBU - She should be paying for the dress.

OP posts:
JaneHamChap · 11/10/2025 04:20

Hi
I don’t know where this idea has come from that bridesmaids pay for their own dresses. I think it’s very poor etiquette and really not fair.
The pressure on you particularly as you are on a low income/ single parent is totally ridiculous.

These days I just refuse to make my life harder for myself to please others.
I have health problems (serious) and personally I’d decline the position of bridesmaid.

I hope you are well and can resolve this without more stress

Love & light ✨

Quickqueensquirrel · 10/10/2025 18:41

OneWildBiscuit · 10/10/2025 11:08

My God...such a lot of judgemental pious responses!

OP has already explained that she is able to afford the flights with her bonus and a short-term credit card use. This isn't the issue, but it seems that many of you are horrified that someone on a low income without a partner has dared to spend her money how she choses, on something extravagant and enjoyable. Somehow this seems to have been conflated into her being a bad parent, putting her own selfishness ahead of her child, who is clearly neglected! I mean...WTF??!!

This smacks of the high-handed, entitled attitude we used to hear from privileged twats, who would complain about the unemployed daring to own such luxuries as TVs or mobile phones.

Seriously?

She's clearly explained how she is meeting the cost of the flights, but that paying £250 for a dress she'll wear only once and likely be unable to sell on is too much (I'm with you on that OP). Please stop with the judgement here.

OP, I hope you're able to find something to wear at a better price (or as another poster suggested, rented?) and have an absolutely fantastic time.

Very well said @OneWildBiscuit.
I agree with everything you've said including your last paragraph where I too include my wish that @confusedlady10 has an absolutely fantastic time!

CoffeeCatsandBooks · 10/10/2025 14:45

She is paying for the accomodation and you are complaining about spending money for the dress?! Really?

Charlenedickens · 10/10/2025 14:44

MotherMary14 · 10/10/2025 12:45

Given that the bride won't pay for her bridesmaids' dresses, @confusedlady10, what makes you so sure she'll definitely be paying for all your food while you are in Thailand? I mean, assuming you are going for a week to make the most of those expensive flights, you're surely going to have to pay for some meals – have you factored that into your budgeting?

I’d assume it was offered, I genuinely think given the huge generosity of the host buying your own dress is a fair ask.

MotherMary14 · 10/10/2025 12:45

Given that the bride won't pay for her bridesmaids' dresses, @confusedlady10, what makes you so sure she'll definitely be paying for all your food while you are in Thailand? I mean, assuming you are going for a week to make the most of those expensive flights, you're surely going to have to pay for some meals – have you factored that into your budgeting?

Charlenedickens · 10/10/2025 12:38

PorridgeEater · 10/10/2025 12:36

If she is a close friend why can't she have a better understanding of your situation - or why can't you tell her?
She should not be expecting you to pay - it just puts you in a difficult position.

Maybe because she’s already paying for a weeks accommodation etc for the op,

PorridgeEater · 10/10/2025 12:36

If she is a close friend why can't she have a better understanding of your situation - or why can't you tell her?
She should not be expecting you to pay - it just puts you in a difficult position.

OneWildBiscuit · 10/10/2025 11:08

My God...such a lot of judgemental pious responses!

OP has already explained that she is able to afford the flights with her bonus and a short-term credit card use. This isn't the issue, but it seems that many of you are horrified that someone on a low income without a partner has dared to spend her money how she choses, on something extravagant and enjoyable. Somehow this seems to have been conflated into her being a bad parent, putting her own selfishness ahead of her child, who is clearly neglected! I mean...WTF??!!

This smacks of the high-handed, entitled attitude we used to hear from privileged twats, who would complain about the unemployed daring to own such luxuries as TVs or mobile phones.

Seriously?

She's clearly explained how she is meeting the cost of the flights, but that paying £250 for a dress she'll wear only once and likely be unable to sell on is too much (I'm with you on that OP). Please stop with the judgement here.

OP, I hope you're able to find something to wear at a better price (or as another poster suggested, rented?) and have an absolutely fantastic time.

Donsyb · 10/10/2025 10:40

I’ve been a bridesmaid twice (as a child), traditional English wedding, and both times the bride paid for the dresses. Especially if it’s also part of Indian culture I would expect the bride to pay.

Nevermotivated · 10/10/2025 09:37

Can you hire a dress? Is that even a thing?

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 10/10/2025 09:34

confusedlady10 · 08/10/2025 14:38

I was thinking to do that or how to word it. I hate confrontation (even in a non-argument way) and would feel embarrassed to have to admit that that dress/cost is the issue. We are close good friends and don't know how to word it without her feeling bad or feeling offended.

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If you're such great friends, she should understand.

JessieLongleg · 10/10/2025 09:02

I had abroad wedding. Didn't have noone in immediate bridal group paid for there suits. And I paid hotel. In that groups people only expected to bring shoes and jewelery didn't have to match. I was very grateful to the people that could make it. She is being cheap.

ALLgo · 10/10/2025 08:53

You're a single mom. Priority is your family, not buying a dress for your friends wedding party. If the bride dictates what you wear, she then has to pay! I agree either decline the role or just don't go if you're being made to buy the dress for said role.

Namechangerage · 10/10/2025 08:48

IridiumSky · 10/10/2025 01:12

I've never understood this ‘foreign wedding’ stuff.

If a couple who want to go abroad to get married can’t afford to pay for every guest’s flight and hotel expenses (but maybe not food and drink) they should bloody well get married at home.

It’s ridiculous.

It’s an invitation - it’s up to people whether they want to go. OP is looking forward to going to Thailand.

Namechangerage · 10/10/2025 08:44

confusedlady10 · 08/10/2025 17:22

But I do earn enough to pay it off over time. £600 over a few months won't break my bank and will help boost my credit score at the same time. People don't put things like holidays, building work or cars on credit cards? What are they for then? I am on a low income yes, I am not poor no and can factor in a holiday as a grown adult as a once in a life time treat. If I couldn't viably afford it, I wouldn't go.

Edited
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Honestly OP, just ignore those posters now, they all just think being low income is a crime. It’s a big life event for you and your friend, you’ve found a way to attend that won’t set you back financially for too long. They are derailing the thread and should be reported to MN.

Lots of good advice for you here from people who actually answered your question. I think you should try the route of asking your friend if you can attend as a guest as you’ve already had to put it on credit and don’t want to get more in debt for the dress. See what she says.

usernamealreadytaken · 10/10/2025 08:31

Bobiverse · 08/10/2025 14:43

Putting the flights onto a credit card means you cannot afford to go.

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Most people use loans and credit cards regularly to afford things they want or need, as a way of budgeting. OP has already said she can afford to pay it off, so effectively she could afford to save but needs to book to secure. I assume you’ve never had a mortgage, or car lease/finance?

@confusedlady10 is it on a zero or very low interest credit card?

ForNoisyCat · 10/10/2025 07:48

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/10/2025 14:39

Bride should pay for all bm stuff. Dress . hair. Make up. Shoes. Etx

I think she is unreasonable to expect you to pay towards her wedding - travel, accommodations or clothing.

Jack80 · 10/10/2025 06:44

I would just go as a guest.

Dancingdance · 10/10/2025 06:13

confusedlady10 · 08/10/2025 17:00

Me and my sister. She's going as a guest paying for her flight. We spent ages looking for deals and I didn't trust third party sites and wanted to pay extra for rebooking or cancellations in case anything went wrong. That was the cheapest I could find!

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Your sister needs to pay for her own flight! You’ve gathered up credit card debts to pay for her flight! Plus you’ll need extra money if you plan on leaving the accommodation during the day, which you should. I’d cancel the flights and not go. Your sister is a CF and your friend is a CF for your friend telling you to pay to be her bridesmaid.

nomas · 10/10/2025 04:36

IridiumSky · 10/10/2025 01:12

I've never understood this ‘foreign wedding’ stuff.

If a couple who want to go abroad to get married can’t afford to pay for every guest’s flight and hotel expenses (but maybe not food and drink) they should bloody well get married at home.

It’s ridiculous.

It’s an invitation not a summons. No one is forcing OP to go.

DontbesorrybeGiles · 10/10/2025 03:32

Your friend should pay for the dress, definitely.

Where/how did you find a low interest credit card and what do you consider to be a low interest rate? I’m asking purely out of (self-) interest because I have a bit of cc debt and always get accepted for 0% balance transfer cards but once the offer period is up, the lowest APR I’ve seen has been about 25%.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 10/10/2025 03:17

I wouldn't go, I wouldn't like to be friends with someone who has so little self awareness.
In Ireland, the bride pays for the dresses, hair and makeup.

llizzie · 10/10/2025 03:15

confusedlady10 · 08/10/2025 14:38

I was thinking to do that or how to word it. I hate confrontation (even in a non-argument way) and would feel embarrassed to have to admit that that dress/cost is the issue. We are close good friends and don't know how to word it without her feeling bad or feeling offended.

Show quote history

She won't be if she is a friend. Perhaps because you could afford the fare she thought you might have more money than the have.

I thought it was always the custom in UK for the bride/family to pay for the bridesmaids' dresses, and I don't think many would pay for expensive dresses to be used once only.

If you have Indian friends who may already have some fancy dresses they can lend you, it could put your mind at rest, but then you run the risk of the bride's family being thought to be strapped for cash.

Far better to save blushes all round by going to the wedding as a guest.

sparkleghost · 10/10/2025 02:14

OP I would just be honest with your friend. I’ve been a bridesmaid at two western weddings, and I’ve never had to pay for my dress - so I don’t think it’s a cultural thing. Maybe she simply doesn’t realise that it’s the norm for the bride to cover the cost of bridesmaid’s dresses, hair and makeup etc - or maybe her wedding is so expensive that she can’t afford to pay for the bridesmaid dresses herself either? You mention that she’s paying for the accommodation - that must be expensive. Maybe she thought asking you to pay for your dress was a fair exchange?

Either way, I think being honest is your best bet. She might offer to cover or split the cost, source a cheaper dress for you that she likes and matches the rest of her theme, or be able to suggest a good site for secondhand traditional bridesmaid wear / hire.

PardonMeNot · 10/10/2025 01:37

You have already booked the flight so go to the wedding as a guest if you still want to. You don’t owe anyone an explanation about that — it wasn’t even your question in the AIBU.

If you are feeling like the bridesmaid cost has snowballed and you’d like to drop out of that role, do so. You are justified in handling this however you choose but you need to stop feeling embarrassed over it. Be honest and keep your head up!