To feel slightly miffed about paying for a dress now?

If she's that close it shouldn't be a surprise

Or she's very thoughtless

Ignore those saying you can’t afford it or should have spend the money on other things - it’s your choice what you spend your money on.

I’d be shocked at being asked to pay for the dress too and think it’s absolutely fine to say you can’t afford it (or just don’t want to spend even more money on this!)

I am of Indian origin and also went shopping to India (15 years ago) for my outfits as they are a lot cheaper there than here (even with the flight as the multiple outfits and for family all adds up) and yes she should be paying for your outfit. My wedding outfit was bling and it cost £250 (okay 15 years ago) but the reason people go to India is because it is cheaper than UK so you will stuggle to find something that bling here in the UK for a reasonable cost. She is being totally unreasonable and if she’s a ‘friend’ should understand your situation.

She's a friend and you have to trust her to listen to your point of view. You might say 'I very much want to see you get married and I'm honoured to be chosen as a bridesmaid. But, as you know, I'm quite hard up and after finding the money for flights, I can't find a dress I can afford which will go with the ones you've chosen. Please will you release me from being a bridesmaid so that I can celebrate with you as a guest wearing an ordinary dress?'

Honestly OP, don't feel the need to defend your spending decisions, people enjoy criticising.

Oh the basis you are probably a grown-ass woman who says you have budgeted for flights etc, so I can't add any value there, I thought I'd say that it feels increasingly common as someone posted above that traditional south Asian weddings (all costs covered) have become hybridized with some more 'wedding party pays for some bits' process. I remember a few years back when my friend paid for the sari, makeup, hair, but made bridesmaids had to pay for shoes, I was fuming 😂. Likewise a western wedding where the dresses were paid for but I had to pay for make-up when I was perfectly capable of doing a good make-up job myself. Don't expend energy feeling narked that your mate seems to be going against the grain by not paying for the the dress, I don't think there strictly is a grain anymore.

As others have said, articulate to your friend that the budget for extras is tight and you can't really afford additional costs that may crop up. A good friend should understand this.

Fabulous dresses on that.

Dazzle and Bloom https://dazzleandbloom.co.uk/listings/?directory_action=search&handler=directorypress_listings_handler&include_categories_children=1&categories=&categories_text=&what_search=Bridesmaid+dress&location_id=0&location_id_text=&address=&radius=0&field_price=&submit=]]

If you are close enough friends to be a bridesmaid, you should be close enough to be able to say …sorry I can’t afford a bridesmaid dress and go as a guest.

you have NOTHING to feel embarrassed or ashamed about saying that

OP if she was that close a friend she would know of your financial situation and not put you in this position in the first place.
I would never expect a friend to spend money on a social event they could not afford. So I find it extraordinary people except friends to pay to attend weddings abroad.

Not on the OP’s thread I mention upthread whereby her dad had to step in and pay for extra party guests.

The ex and Op have a very good relationship apparently

even if it was SO shit that they couldn’t t agree one week (despite the ex having DC for this half term week in question), then money could go on treat days, savings, pension, school clothing, paying back dad for stepping into pay for extra party guests!!!

It seems totally reckless to me

I would either go just as a normal guest, or see what is available secondhand /Vinted.

Just tell her you can’t afford it. If you need an Indian dress can you borrow something from her or her family. They really should be covering the cost of it.

If I were you I’d be checking in with her on any additional expenses you’re likely to incur. You say she is covering accommodation and food but will there be days out organised? Cabs from the airport. Hiring minibuses to take you to see any sights etc. Hair and make up? Thailand can be pretty inexpensive but can add up.

If ex is a dick about a long holiday abroad for your ds, could you not even do a weekend in disneyland paris or something? Surely the cost of flights to Thailand plus accommodation and bridesmaids dress would cover that? Or if not even alten towers or something

How about telling your friend you can’t afford the dress but would be willing to contribute £80 towards it if that’s what she wants you to wear.
Sounds like a fabulous trip so just enjoy the experience.

And remember that people who are not struggling have no problem saying this.

I am far from being on a low income, but "I can't afford it" is my most used excuse - or reason not to do something.

Honestly I'd try and get my money back and spend it on a holiday for your ds. Weddings abroad are a big luxury. Couples do understand this when they plan their weddings (unless they're massively unreasonable).

Polite way to word it: "hi friend's name. I am really sorry to do this and you know how important to me our friendship is. The truth is that I have overextended myself booking to come to your wedding and have realised I simply don't have the funds available to come". Send profuse apologies and we'll wishes, buy her a gift or whatever you want.

@Bloobelly Sadly, some people are vindictive and enjoy making life awkward for their ex.

A friend of mine is in this situation-every time she plans a summer holiday, he kicks up a massive fuss, especially if he has to give permission for the children to leave the country. I suspect he’s angry that she’s doing fine without him and earning enough to afford extras like holidays (he’s self-employed and has pretended that he can’t afford CMS for several years, doesn’t pay a penny).

It’s quite possible that the OP has one of those exes.

I know MN hates this kind of things, but I would try to earn extra money and pay as much as possible before I go, instead of sticking things on my credit card.
Easier to save towards something than paying it back.

No I don't know what side job you can do, because I don't know your hours of work, hours with your son and availability, but even a few hours extra per week make a difference.

If you find time to be on MN, you have time to earn a bit of extra.

I think you should tell her that you can't afford a dress of similar quality to the ones she has chosen. I would also say that you were surprised to be asked to pay for your own bridesmaid's dress and hadn't included that in your budget for attending (she may feel that as she is paying for food and accommodation it was a fair trade). Tell her how honoured you were to be asked to be a bridesmaid but don't be embarrassed to be honest, she is a close friend and the important thing is that you want to travel a long way to see her get married. (Is she only paying your accommodation because you were going as a bridesmaid?)

I agree.

and would feel embarrassed to have to admit that that dress/cost is the issue.

Why?
I only see this on MN. It is not at all shameful to tell someone that something is beyond your budget.

If she is a friend, you can tell her that you cannot afford the dress, full stop.

Either you find a cheaper suitable equivalent on Vinted on Shein - to be respectful with the dress code, or you ask her if she has suggestions where you could borrow a dress.

There's always some kind of dress code, even if the bride is not requesting one, even in England you don't turn up in gym legging and a sports bra to a wedding. That's what I mean by dress code,

She's spent her work bonus and is going into debt for this fun experience. That's just financially irresponsible when you're a single parent on a low income.

Life is harsh. What's she going to do when something expensive breaks or someone gets ill and she's already paying out hundreds a month to cover her fun experience. She's got a kid. That takes priority. Not going on a somebody else's wedding junket.

I think that if she expects you to wear a certain thing, she should pay for it.

I had this situation. Foreign wedding, wanted all bridesmaids to pay to look the same. I refused, she relented. Although she hadn't bought any dresses at that point.

Generally I think the bride and groom should pay for things like bridesmaids dresses. It’s not like you wear them more than once!
She must be a good friend if you are prepared to travel so far for her wedding and be a bridesmaid. So just be honest with her. Explain you simply cannot afford to buy a dress in that budget range, but you are also worried that the dresses within your budget don’t match up to her style/expectation.
You could still attend but as a regular guest?
If your budget was £80 you could offer that and she pay the difference for the dress she wants you to wear?

It’s not the single mum that’s the issue per se

it Is the LOW INCOME and SINGLE PARENT

You have one child with an ex and you’re saying the reason you haven’t taken him on holiday is because over the course of a year you and your ex can’t agree a week?