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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel slightly miffed about paying for a dress now?

389 replies

confusedlady10 · 08/10/2025 14:35

My close friend is getting married in Thailand and she has asked me to be a bridesmaid. At first I was going to decline as I couldn’t afford to travel that far out for the wedding for 7 days (single mum on low income) but got a small bonus from work and used it to pay part of the flights/trip and took out a credit card to pay the rest. because she’s paying for the accommodation for everyone it made it a bit easier for me financially to change my decision. Her background is Indian and she has gone back home to pick out her dresses and bridesmaid dresses, and sent me the one her and her family have chosen. The dresses cost £250 each and tbf they are stunning. She then said she would get mine and I could transfer her when she came back to the UK.

I was in shock due to the price and asked if I would be able to find something cheaper myself which she has accepted. I asked my other friend who is Indian (separate friendships) if she knew any nice shops to buy a cheap Indian style bridesmaid dress. She gave me a few but again out of my budget which is max £80. However she brought up that in Indian culture the bride always pays for the dresses and was in shock that I am having to pay out of pocket. I told her I don’t mind too much as long as the price is fair and don’t know anything much about this as their culture.

But her reaction made me think maybe it is a bit unreasonable to expect me to pay for the dress in the first place (my own objections are regardless of culture). The dress my friend has picked is very high quality and has lots of embellishments in a certain beautiful shade and I’m worried I wont be able to afford a dress that can match and look nearly as nice as the other bridesmaids and will stick out like a sore thumb. I will have to suck it up and just buy something cheap but do feel a bit miffed and I'm struggling to find anything so far.

YABU- You should should not feel miffed to pay for a dress no matter the quality.
YANBU - She should be paying for the dress.

OP posts:
abouttimetoo123 · 08/10/2025 16:33

@confusedlady10is this a zero interest credit card?

Original poster
confusedlady10 · 08/10/2025 16:32

Not trying to be defensive, which is why I have asked if IABU to feel this way. Clearly I am based on yours and a few other ppls response. Will just have to find a cheap dress because I can't afford £250 and would hate to not be a bridesmaid. If she has an issue with my dress there isn't much I can do really. she does mention my choice with any concerns I may ask to be a guest. Thank you.

OP posts:
Bloobelly · 08/10/2025 16:30

What does your dad think about this op?

Original poster
confusedlady10 · 08/10/2025 16:30

outerspacepotato · 08/10/2025 14:53

You were unreasonable to think you could afford to be part of a bridal party at an overseas wedding in your circumstances as a low income single parent.

You spent your bonus and are putting quite a bit on credit cards. That means you can't afford it. You're going to be paying interest when this sum of money could have been used for you and your kid instead of a frivolous, completely unnecessary trip that isn't even a holiday of your choice nor is it within your budget.

Bow out. This is not doable for you.

Are you a people pleaser?

I had planned and factored in the costs of the wedding, she is paying for the accommodation. After my bonus, I'll only be spreading the rest over a few months with a credit card. It's stumping up for a dress I'll only be wearing once, that's the issue.

OP posts:
Katherine9 · 08/10/2025 16:29

confusedlady10 · 08/10/2025 16:27

Because factoring in paying off a credit card spread out over months for a once in a life time wedding/holiday is different to stumping up £250 in one go for a single dress I'll only be wearing once.

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It's part of the cost and trivial to that of flights. Suck it up or give over. No point complaining then getting all defensive!

Bloobelly · 08/10/2025 16:29

confusedlady10 · 08/10/2025 16:26

A debt that isn't long term. It will be paid off in a few months.

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And literally nothing you could have better spent the money on op? Saving for rent or towards mortgage? A holiday with your son? Savings (presumably you have none or minimal if having to put this on CC?)?

Original poster
confusedlady10 · 08/10/2025 16:27

Katherine9 · 08/10/2025 16:26

Why quibble over the £250 dress then?

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Because factoring in paying off a credit card spread out over months for a once in a life time wedding/holiday is different to stumping up £250 in one go for a single dress I'll only be wearing once.

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedlady10 · 08/10/2025 16:26

Jellybunny56 · 08/10/2025 14:53

You are in debt, you’ve literally said you’ve used a credit card?

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A debt that isn't long term. It will be paid off in a few months.

OP posts:
Katherine9 · 08/10/2025 16:26

confusedlady10 · 08/10/2025 14:55

It's a short term debt. Flights are not gonna have me destitute I assure. I am on a low income but not enough to get by or that I can't afford to budget paying off a few hundred for a few months.. The last big expense I have ever paid for was taking DS abroad a few years ago which was fine. It's more finding a dress that will match that quality in a short space of time, and don't have that amount readily to hand. I could pay it off, but that to me would be a bit silly considering I'll only wear it once and it's a traditional style dress. That's why I felt it was a bit unreasonable for me to be paying.

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Why quibble over the £250 dress then?

Original poster
confusedlady10 · 08/10/2025 16:25

Bloobelly · 08/10/2025 15:02

I was on your thread about your son’s party and guests… your dad had to step in and pay for the extra kids.

OP, you’ve booked it now 🤷‍♀️ but seriously…. Spanking a few thousand on a destination wedding as a single parent on a low income? Not good

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A few hundred over a few months isn't going to break me I assure you. The flights are around £1.2 return and she is paying for the accommodation. My bonus is covering half (ish) so I am not paying much back on my credit card over month tbh.

OP posts:
savegaza · 08/10/2025 16:25

Honestly look on Vinted, I’m married to a Pakistani man and need to dress up regularly for weddings but I don’t want the big price tags. I buy on there, most have been worn once and you can take it to a tailor to get it fitted.

mergan · 08/10/2025 16:24

Try Vinted, you may find something there at a good price.

Sassylovesbooks · 08/10/2025 16:14

Your friend shouldn't be asking you to be a bridesmaid and then expecting you to pay for your own dress. Is she going to expect you to pay for your own shoes, hair and makeup too??!!! Unfortunately, I think there is a real danger that you will stick out like a sore thumb, if you don't have the same dress, or at least equal in quality. Honestly, I would explain to your friend that yiu simply can't afford to spend the money, and the flights/spending money is taking you to your maximum. You will have to be there as a guest, but decline the bridesmaid role. You can then buy yourself a wedding guest outfit on Vinted or something. It's not worth getting yourself into debt over. For the record, I paid for my bridesmaid's dresses, shoes, jewellery, flowers, hair and a taxi home in the evening!! They only paid for their own makeup.

MelliC · 08/10/2025 16:08

You'll find something secondhand. The wedding will be an amazing, once in a lifetime experience. I hope you have a fantastic time.

EdgyCrab · 08/10/2025 16:03

pottylolly · 08/10/2025 15:49

I’m Indian. It’s an important cultural tradition that bridesmaids dresses are paid for by the bride and her parents in all Indian traditions. I would bet that her Indian bridesmaids have their dresses paid for - it would actually be questioned openly if they didn’t. Have you reached out to them directly to ask?

Edited

OP just to qualify my other comment that there's no one 'way of doing things' these days in Asian weddings, if in fact any Indian bridesmaids have had their dresses paid for, not paying for yours would be totally out of order! I couldn't conceive of a bride being so out of order in fact, but there's nowt so queer as folk 😐

LilacReader · 08/10/2025 16:02

confusedlady10 · 08/10/2025 14:42

I can afford to go (have budgeted paying off my credit card and decided it will coincidentally help boost my credit score anyway), will just have to suck it up and buy a cheap dress as I just can't afford the £250 or anything near it. I feel strangely bad that I'm going to stick out at her wedding though!

Edited
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I would just say/text exactly what you have said here.
I must admit I hate this new way of doing things and glad I'm past that age. It used to be that the bride and groom would pay for these bits - mind you, it used to be a free bar too so I guess it's all change!

StartingApril2025 · 08/10/2025 15:57

Vinted has some lovely ones- I’ve just checked ! Yes a risk for fitting but worth a shot.

Xiaoxiong · 08/10/2025 15:55

I feel strangely bad that I'm going to stick out at her wedding though!

She clearly doesn't mind, as she told you to get your own dress!

Cucy · 08/10/2025 15:53

I refuse to go to destination weddings as I refuse to shell out for someone else’s party, when that money can be spent on a holiday or nice things for me and my child.

If someone wants a destination wedding, that’s absolutely fine but they should cover all costs or expect people not to come.

If you want to go, then go but be honest about your circumstances.

But if you don’t want to go then don’t feel bad about it.

I would probably just say that you’d love to be there for her big day but you’re struggling financially right now and so you’d rather just be a guest rather than a bridesmaid.

pottylolly · 08/10/2025 15:49

I’m Indian. It’s an important cultural tradition that bridesmaids dresses are paid for by the bride and her parents in all Indian traditions. I would bet that her Indian bridesmaids have their dresses paid for - it would actually be questioned openly if they didn’t. Have you reached out to them directly to ask?

MeganM3 · 08/10/2025 15:46

If you’re paying £1.2k for the flights and would pay £80 on a dress… I’d probably just pay the full £250. It’s not that much more and you’ll be repaying the rest anyway. You’ve gone to a lot of trouble to go to the wedding already, so yes it is U of bride.. but at least she’s paying your accommodation while there.

Fletchasketch · 08/10/2025 15:46

I'd be annoyed at having to foot the bill for an expensive wedding dress in your shoes too, OP! Added to that, the chances are high that you'll only be wearing it once.

If you do decide to go to the wedding, I'd suggest Vinted as others have; some amazing bargains there, it's probably where I buy about 90% of my wardrobe.

BlueberryLatte · 08/10/2025 15:45

LovelySunset · 08/10/2025 15:40

Ignore those saying you can’t afford it or should have spend the money on other things - it’s your choice what you spend your money on.

I’d be shocked at being asked to pay for the dress too and think it’s absolutely fine to say you can’t afford it (or just don’t want to spend even more money on this!)

Yes, yes "grown ass woman", but since she is struggling to confront her friend over the cost of a dress, it isn't completely bonkers to wonder if it is actually clear to op that she is not obligated to go at all.

It doesn't hurt to mention it.

I know someone who recently paid £900 to attend a hen weekend and is now quite bitter about it and resents the bride. I don't know why, but a lot of people feel obligated "because it's their wedding and they're only doing it once hopefully"

Anyway, op I personally think she sounds quite cheeky. I paid for all dresses for bridesmaids and also hair and make up. I am very not rich either.

Sorry, meant to quote someone above you who said the "grown ass woman" thing!

Bloobelly · 08/10/2025 15:41

LovelySunset · 08/10/2025 15:40

Ignore those saying you can’t afford it or should have spend the money on other things - it’s your choice what you spend your money on.

I’d be shocked at being asked to pay for the dress too and think it’s absolutely fine to say you can’t afford it (or just don’t want to spend even more money on this!)

Well then prob best not to throw in that she’s a single parent on a low income who’s having to put the entire holiday on a credit card in order to pay for it

DusterVan · 08/10/2025 15:40

No bride should ask their bridesmaids to pay for their dresses, especially if they are already expecting them to go to Thailand. It’s so so cheeky. You should tell her you need to step down as you can’t afford it and I’m sure she will either 1. Let you or 2. Buy your dress. Surely this is bugging her other bridesmaids?

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