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AIBU?

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Original poster

Having an operation: DH support?

31 replies

FedUpandEatingChocolate · 08/10/2025 12:57

AIBU for expecting DH to be more present at hospital when I have an operation?

I'm having an operation next week. DH works full time (mainly from home), kids are at school. Operation is at a hospital 45 minutes drive away.

If DH was having an operation I'd arrange childcare for outside of school hours to be there when he comes back to the ward, and to take him home (assuming same day).

DH had assumed that I would be in overnight so he could just pick me up in working hours for the following day. No other visit planned. I'll be getting a taxi there to arrive very early.

I've arranged for a friend to come over after school and stay with the kids as long as needed. DH is now planning to come over after he finishes work.

AIBU in hoping/expecting him to be more present at hospital to support me?

He has form for this. Left me alone after my second daughter (c section - I couldn't stand without fainting, had a UTI etc, baby in NICU). My MIL had offered to stay with our eldest but he wanted to be home with her.

When I had an op a few months ago he visited me for long enough to hand over an overnight bag (it was an emergency admission), and then to collect me in the morning (literally waited until I was discharged before leaving - I was hanging around on the ward for an hour after discharge).

I wouldn't expect him to hang around all day, but I do think he should come over when I go into surgery, so he's there when I come around. He can work from the ward/coffee shop, or ask for time off.

(Op includes removing something that is potentially cancerous, so my anxiety is suitably high.)

OP posts:
Original poster
FedUpandEatingChocolate · 08/10/2025 13:23

Maybe what I'll do is ask the surgeon if I can call dh on speaker when he comes around. That's my biggest concern. That and wanting the physical support.

OP posts:
Original poster
FedUpandEatingChocolate · 08/10/2025 13:20

The kids will be fine, they're old enough to understand and the friend I've asked to come over is very well known to them.

Visiting hours are 10-8, so he can be there when I come back. I find it really useful to have someone there when the surgeon comes around to explain what happens.

Generally, he's an amazing father and puts the kids and work above my needs. 95% of the time that's fine, but occasionally (like this) I feel like I need him there.

He's not great at thinking what I need. I have to spell it out to him, he needs time to digest and think it over, then he understands. E.g. when I got the surgery date he flipped out as it meant cancelling attendance at a work event away (not critical). After a few hours he apologised, but has regularly brought it up since. This isn't an elective surgery.

OP posts:
AmyDuPlantier · 08/10/2025 13:13

I had an overnight stay operation and tbh it didn’t occur to me to have my husband visit. He was at home with the kids and I was still pretty off my face so it wouldn’t have been useful anyway.

Whats he going to usefully do? He’s better off at home looking after the children I think. It’s one night.

Sirzy · 08/10/2025 13:06

Most hospitals don’t let someone accompany an adult anyway to they? Unless there is some sort of additional need. I wouldn’t expect someone sat there waiting when I came around a visit would be nice if it could be done with minimal disruption to the children.

SalamiSammich · 08/10/2025 13:04

Ah I'm sorry you're going through this.

I'd probably rather DH was at home to keep the kids in routine and minimise disruption though.

Doesn't feel like you think he is doing it to put them first though so my advice is that that's a problem to address at another time and focus on making the best of things for now so you don't spread yourself too thin x

pinkyredrose · 08/10/2025 13:00

Tell him he's breaking his marriage vows by not being there in sickness and in health.

I would seriously get turned off by this. How is he otherwise, is he usually thoughtful and supportive?