Having an operation: DH support?

Great news, OP!
For future reference though, I'd go for spelling out your needs in specific terms - even the best ones seem to be clueless about what DWs need and require explicit directions - even a little extrapolation seems beyond them.
all best for your op.

Hmmm - perhaps he just doesn't realise? Some men are really bad at empathy.

I was in hospital for 2 weeks with chemo toxicity following my first, and only, cycle of chemo. I didn't want to see anybody at all, including him, for the first 3 or 4 days. I just wanted to sleep and I didn't want to think about anyone but myself - I was too tired to be nice to anyone. My darling husband came to the ward every day, twice a day, even though he couldn't see me. Nothing would keep him away.

Then when I had surgery he took me in to the ward, and refused to go home until it was time to take me home. He stayed in the hospital all day. It was day surgery and I was first on the list as I have diabetes, so I was there before 8.00 and I wasn't discharged until around 2.30. He wouldn't even go and have lunch in the restaurant in case I needed him.

I realise that how he behaves is not entirely normal 😁, but it shows how devoted a husband can be...

Hmmm - perhaps he just doesn't realise? Some men are really bad at empathy.

I was in hospital for 2 weeks with chemo toxicity following my first, and only, cycle of chemo. I didn't want to see anybody at all, including him, for the first 3 or 4 days. I just wanted to sleep and I didn't want to think about anyone but myself - I was too tired to be nice to anyone. My darling husband came to the ward every day, twice a day, even though he couldn't see me. Nothing would keep him away.

Then when I had surgery he took me in to the ward, and refused to go home until it was time to take me home. He stayed in the hospital all day. It was day surgery and I was first on the list as I have diabetes, so I was there before 8.00 and I wasn't discharged until around 2.30. He wouldn't even go and have lunch in the restaurant in case I needed him.

I realise that how he behaves is not entirely normal 😁, but it shows how devoted a husband can be...

I think it so dependant on the person im so use to hospitals and have had more surgeries then I can count so its just a usual part of my life so never feels a big deal and I mostly go by myself and have someone pick me up or get a taxi but if this isn't your normal and you haven't spent a lot of time in hospital or had surgery before I can completely understand why you want somebody with you and your husband should be there to support you if thats what you need.

Also, if I was having an operation, I wouldn't want my partner there pre or post. Saying this to demonstrate that everyone is different

Your husband sounds very decent,, irrespective of whether he intended to be at hospital or not

I'm with your dh sorry. Having surgery myself next week and want to be left to get on with it

I got caught out with that one, I regularly had to go in for surgery for a recurring gynecology problem and most of them had been home the same day but the last one there had been issues and I had to stay in hadn't gone in with things to manage an overnight stay. The hospital gave me a hospital gown and a toothbrush and toothpaste but I didn't have an extra book, I was reading a book a day at that point in my life so I had nothing to read the following day, first world problems lol

Personally, I wouldn’t expect DH to do this, but we’re all different and you should be able to ask for what you feel you need without bad feeling.

My surgery was 3 weeks ago (double mastectomy) and having been dropped off by a friend on the day, I didn’t see DH again until the following afternoon when I was discharged and he came to drive me home. I was absolutely fine, and well looked after by the nursing staff from the point I came round after the surgery.

Everytime I’ve had surgery they haven’t allowed anyone but me onto the surgery ward. They have to say goodbye at reception and come back to collect you once you’re discharged.

@P00hsticks yes, they do and they find you a bed on a ward. They have to for some of us! My DSU has a ward with a number of bed spaces for the inevitable which is people don’t recover well enough to go home. I had my gallbladder out, was last on the list and it split as they took it out. And there was the needle stick that went along with it…

YANBU at all. He needs to step up and show you love.

I had an op recently and, for various reasons, they couldn't move me to the ward until late. DH waited in the hospital all day (nearly 10 hours) until he could see me settled for the night. He was then back as soon as visiting hours started the following day and brought me home.

I would do the same for him in a heartbeat.

I hope your DH steps up and that your op goes well.

The day surgery ward at our local hospital closes at 8pm and all the staff go home, so they have to discharge everyone by then. (Presumably if there were real complications during the surgery they;d either find a bed in another ward for you or take you round to A&E.

Honestly? Dh would book time off work, be there to take me in and there for either visiting hours or to pick me back up. We would both do this, I arranged PIL to be here for the children after school when Dh was having an operation too,

This is about what you want, so although other people may be fine alone, lay out your expectations now of what you want your Dh to do. It is then up to him if he wants to meet those expectations and they are certainly not unreasonable.

Luckily Dh works for a company that is incredibly family friendly so they let you work flexible hours around things like picking someone up from school or hospital.

If your husband can’t be with you to make the tough times just a little bit better, then what is the point in having a husband.

Never go in for dat surgery without a small overnight bag with essentials in it. I’ve never had day surgery and been discharged same day.

I’m having surgery in November in another city around 45 minutes from home. It’s orthopaedic.

I volunteered to DH that I’d stay in a hotel in the other city and get a taxi to the hospital in the morning and then the hospital could let him know when I was ready to collect

he laughed at me! Told me that was definitely not happening. We will make some complicated arrangements for the morning and afternoon for childcare and crack on.

mine is supposed to be day surgery and it’s private, but it will depend and I may well stay in. The second he knows I’m staying in he’ll settle me and go home.

Having had a couple of ops myself recently, I'm with the others in I can't really see what benefit having your husband waiting around in the hospital would achieve - he's unlikely to be allowed to see you in recovery and unless you are going to be staying in overnight you're unlikely to see the surgeon afterwards.

What you need to try to establish (as you don't seem certain at the moment) is if it is intended as day surgery or will involve an overnight stay so that your husband can pick you up as soon as you are ready to be discharged.

And also from experience - if it is something cancerous, then there may well need to be biopsies of the material removed done before you get a definite diagnosis so they won't tell you anything immediately after the op, they'd invite you in for a follw up appointent.

Hope al goes well ......

My last few surgeries I've had (all Cancer investigations, day case) the surgeon hasn't come to speak to be after. I just get a written discharge summary. The surgeons are still in theatre by the time I'm discharged.

The hospital don't allow people once you've been moved from Recovery to the ward unless it's at point of discharge. So what you are hoping for may be completely moot.

You just need someone who can get to you to take you home quite quickly once hospital give you the nod (in my 12+ surgeries they've only once rang DH got me, normally they ask me to).

Best of luck

I’d lose my absolute shit the next time he brought it up and say I get it, you have gone on and on about if, you’d rather I die of cancer than you miss a work thing, because you just cannot be a supportive husband.

wpuld a friend visit? The more friends who know he’s really a dick the better.

I have had many ops, I don’t expect my husband to wait around the hospital. He’s more use at work or with the kids. However he has collected me when I’ve been discharged most times or my father has. My husband is self employed though, and so even when I had our children (all c sections) he was best working while I was in hospital (he was present for their births 😂) and then could have more time off once I was home.
Could you explain that you’d prefer him at the hospital, for support? Hope the op goes well x