Partner’s son smashed telly again and DP says it’s my fault???

@AutumnSquashSoup . I work for a local authority and we have a client hardship service (for financial emergencies)and a welfare rights service to help people claim benefits. Do a search for your local county council.

Out Parish Council also have a 'fuel allotment fund' for residents of the parish unable to pay energy bills.

You surely can’t seriously think it’s preferable for women and young children to be in abusive relationships and living with a violent teenage boy? The op is EXACTLY who I am very happy to pay taxes.

This is awful and your DP is a terrible parent and partner. It's not about the money per se but about him not backing you up in a situation where a) you were right and b) even if you had 'wound up' his son it wouldn't have justified him breaking the TV.

I would start refusing to do anything for his son. He can eat food from the house but you won't interact with him. It's sad because teenage boys need good parenting, but if his actual dad isn't prepared to do it, it's going to end badly for everyone. Be prepared to leave if it ever looks possible (eg when both your kids are in school) - he'll not parent your younger ones any better by the sound of it. And he's an awful partner.

I am going to assume that you are being purposely obtuse simply to be contrary. Because the obvious meaning to what I said was that it is insidious. It creeps up, tiny bit by tiny bit until suddenly your mired deep in an abusive relationship that has battered you mentally to the point where you simply cannot see what to do or how to do it.

I am genuinely happy that you have no idea how that can happen, because it means that it has never happened to you. I wish the same for all women.

It’s not misogyny to point out that women have choices and agency, more than at any other point in human history, and yet we see them making appalling choices and inflicting misery on the children they chose to have with these losers, and other women are desperate to absolve them of any and all responsibility. You’re not helping women by bleating about misogyny and believing all women’s choices should be respected or even tolerated. Look at the mess these poor children are in through no fault of their own.

A- kick him and his 14 Yr old out

And

B- look on fb marketplace - you can pick up replacements much cheaper

First response nails it ☝🏼

What are you hanging around for do you have girls or boys. Your sons will grow up thinking this is how men act and copy the behaviour and daughters will grow up thinking this is how men act and end up in an abusive relationship. This is not normal and not how families are please don't normalise this for your children

@AutumnSquashSoup get the locks changed while he and step son are out. Your tenancy. Nothing will change while he is still in your house/life. You will manage without him. Your life will be better.

Typical misogyny. Women are to blame for men’s actions.

HedwigEliza you sound like one of those men pointing the accusing finger at the nearest woman. The taxpayer should be worrying about the number of violent men around - who are not ‘created’ by having worse lives, they do not have worse lives than the women around them do. Women try to look after their kids. And this teen is not the op’s son.

Op I’m no expert but there are so many red flags in the little you’ve said. It does sound like your partner is sexist and belittling you in classic abuser fashion, and the teen has that learned behaviour. Throwing a controller hard enough to smash a telly is no joke.

Theyve done you a favour by leaving, and it’s your house. Lock the doors: the only text you need to send is to tell them you want some time to yourself after their display and not to come round. Then as pp’s said, get in touch with any support you have, family or social services, and look into how you can live on your own. Women’s aid may be able to help, perhaps Shelter on living costs and the council for the electric.

Are you saying he was the perfect partner and then 10 years later suddenly became extremely violent. You must be exceptionally unlucky because research shows people reveal their true personality much earlier giving you time to leave.

"I know everyone’s saying leave but it’s not that easy when you’ve got 2 kids and nowhere to go"
You don't need anywhere to go, it's your house not his ( "it’s council house in my name" ).

This relationship is going nowhere "he’s said he was “done” like 50 times" and "we’ve been together nearly 6 years on and off (mostly off this year tbh)" . At best, he's mentally checked out of the relationship this year. More likely (sorry) he was never really in, but you were in no position to notice because your attention was taken up by raising small children (I'm guessing he doesn't parent your children any more than he parents his eldest).

"I just feel trapped tbh don’t even know where to start"
Honestly, you are not trapped, but his behaviour has befuddled you into thinking you are. Where you start is - money. You're worried about that ("I’m already behind on the leccy" and "if I tell him to go he’ll just take the van and not give me anything for the kids like he has before" ) so you need to find out what benefits you will be entitled to. For starters, with him gone you'll be entitled to the single person discount on your council tax. Check on https://www.gov.uk/benefits-calculators to see if you are entitled to claim any benefits. And since he has chosen in the past to not pay towards his children, claim for child maintenance at https://www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-service .

When you waver, remember your own words - "our eldest is 5 nearly 6 and the baby’s 17 months so they’re still little and that’s why I’m scared cos they see all this shouting and it’s not fair on them". It's not fair on them, and it's not healthy either. Give your children the best start in life with a calm and loving home. Your partner (ex-partner?) cannot offer that to your children. He has no interest in doing so. Protect yourself and protect your children from his indifference and from his son.

((hug))

Well given that the OP isnt the kids mother, not sure what your point is about her.

Agree with you about his father though.

Are you really so hard of thinking to not see that they dont start out like this? No one would give them a second date if they did!

Mine didnt. He was utterly wonderful in literally every way. Until he wasnt. And even then it was just an odd comment or reaction.....ten years later the police removed him for attempting to strangle me.

It is a council house and you are pushing benefits.

Why not suggest OP gets some self respect and earns a wage to fully support her chosen lifestyle.

This!!!
those poor children. What a horrible life

Well, the apple certainly doesn’t fall far from the tree. At 14 the kid can go and hell would freeze over if a snotty 14 year old was treating me like shit in my own home. Chuck your useless partner out with the snotty brat!

@AutumnSquashSoup

"If you hadn't done..... he wouldnt have reacted with violence" is how you end up with a man standing over a beaten and bleeding woman shouting "LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!!"

Your "D"P is teaching his son that nothing is his fault. What you have in your home right now is a domestic abuser in training. And it sounds like he has almost completed his apprenticeship.

And you are in a relationship with his teacher.

Think about that.

Precisely. Race to the bottom accelerates.

Ladies, use commonsense and open your eyes. It is 2025, you can have a fling with the bad guy but you don't have to have children with him.

Spoiler alert.....

Praying never changed a damn thing.

A violent man sized person in the house with no self control and no one disciplining him isnt something that can be "worked through". He needs to removed from the home at least until such time as he is no longer a danger to its occupants.

This poor teenager. Poor role models in OP and partner, unstable home life and now he’s acting out and unhappy - kick him out. Whose fault is it that he’s the way he is? The people who raised him need to look in the mirror. They’ve made him what he is! Perhaps if he’d had good examples and a stable foundation to begin with, he wouldn’t be in this situation. But now he is, through no fault of his own, he’s going to be punished for it.

These selfish adults putting their own immature, selfish desires above the needs of the children they’ve created make me sick. You made them - you don’t get to kick them out once they’re reacting badly to the lousy upbringing you’ve inflicted on them.

This

Don't you want a better life than this for your children and yourself? Imagine being a child growing up in a house like this. How awful for them.

The kid needs professional help, you are not a professional.

You need to keep your kids and yourself safe, a 14 year old boy is only going to get more physcially stronger. Yes he has been let down by his parents, but you do not have the skills to manage that.

It will be hard to leave, but it will be dangerous to stay.

You can do this.