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AIBU?

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Original poster

The council closed my homelessness case because I told them it’s not safe to talk to my ex partner!!

90 replies

Beetiq · 08/10/2025 10:01

It’s a long story but let me try to summarise it. I was in a relationship with my ex for over 7 years. We have three kids together and I have been a SAHM for around 5 years. Our kids are 5, 3 & 21 months old. After our first turned one, I tried to go back to work but since we wanted more kids, we agreed to not go back to work at the time because the job I worked required taking the Covid vaccine and we weren’t sure at the time if I should take it especially since we wanted more kids. Then we had our second child and then tried going back to work but then found out I was pregnant with our third (wasn’t planned). Fast forward 2025, I was applying for work when we were asked to leave our home because the landlady wanted her house back, that she wanted to sell up. During that time, my ex ended the relationship, saying he hadn’t been happy for three years and that that was a great time for us to go our separate ways. We had around four months notice. During that time (because I have been a SAHM) I applied for housing because I didn’t have any savings to rent. I got advise from the council suggesting I could stay in the property with the children, also suggested temporarily living with friends or family & even suggested with my ex just so myself and the children don’t end up homeless or in temporary accommodation. We ended up moving in with my ex, I just didn’t have the energy and felt stuck at the time. I also have postnatal depression. I tried looking for private rentals but were never successful. My homelessness officer knew all this and carried on asking if my ex can continue to put us up until we get a place to go. The thing is my ex is abusive (not physical) but verbally, emotionally, psychologically, gaslighting me sometimes etc. I couldn’t carry on living with him so I asked my homelessness officer if she could get myself and the kids into temporary accommodation. She suggested one of the kids maybe living with his dad. I said no to that, she said she would speak to her superior. When she got back to me, she asked me for my ex’s details so she could speak to him, apparently to establish that myself and the kids are at risk of homelessness (but we are already homeless…atleast I thought). I told her I couldn’t provide her with his details because it wasn’t safe to do so. She then emailed me back and said she has closed my case because she couldn’t establish my homelessness with my ex. I didn’t want them talking to him because he would say we could stay for as long as we have to. And yes he’s abusive but I didn’t want to get into filling for “domestic abuse”. I just want a new start with my kids, my focus is the kids. But the homelessness officer tells me she has to talk to him or he can write a notice stating that he wants myself and the kids to leave his property. But of course he won’t say that about his kids. Does that mean if he wants his kids to stay as long as they need to, we are then required to stay in a toxic environment? She suggested I write a personal statement with abuse details (because I mentioned to her that he can be verbally abusive) then they can put myself and the kids in temporary accommodation. AIBU here? Please advise because am feeling like giving him the children. I am so exhausted, lost weight, I feel I can’t handle any more stress. I don’t have a case if I don’t do as she has asked.

OP posts:
confusedlady10 · 09/10/2025 01:42

vivainsomnia · 08/10/2025 12:27

So you want to leave and get a council home. That's different to being homeless.

That's exactly how it comes across. OP I'm not judging or trying to sound harsh but if your ex was abusive to where you'd rather temporary accommodation with your kids you should have been documenting everything! My friend kept every abusive message and saved call from her ex and wrote down and detailed every incident and reported her ex for domestic verbal abuse. She was given temp housing I wouldn't cattle a stray dying dog in, and took her over 5 years on the wait list to finally get a council house of her DC.

Councils are on their knees and you can't expect them to just take your word for it. You need to find every message, every call, detail every abusive thing he has said or done in great detail and you need to report it and get away from him. Especially if you want a better life for your kids. You shouldn't have to live with an abuser nor should you have to be separated from any of them.

Helpmefindmysoul · 09/10/2025 00:45

Lots of really helpful advice from posters who are knowledgeable about the process. Hope you get the help you need.

Do you have it in writing / formal correspondence from your housing officer that they asked you to go stay with your ex / to leave the private property before bailiffs arrived?

As fair as I was aware, councils will always ask you to remain at a property until bailiffs ask you to leave as otherwise you are intentionally homeless but perhaps this has changed?

andweallsingalong · 09/10/2025 00:42

https://safelives.org.uk/about-domestic-abuse/domestic-abuse-response-in-the-uk/what-is-a-marac/

By high risk DV they mean things like intentional strangulation, credible threats to kill leading to a high DASH score to be accepted by MARAC.

OP just needs to write the statement with women's aid, as she is doing, to qualify for council help as a victim of DV.

Learn more about the Marac

Learn more about multi-agency risk assessment conferences, who attends and how they help safeguard victims of domestic abuse.

https://safelives.org.uk/about-domestic-abuse/domestic-abuse-response-in-the-uk/what-is-a-marac/

andweallsingalong · 09/10/2025 00:37

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 09/10/2025 00:21

This is illegal if you've expressed you're at risk of abuse. The domestic abuse act 2021 makes it quite clear that any applicant fleeing or being unable to remain in the home due to abuse or violence must be treated as homeless. This isn't limited to physical violence.

This is why I am advising to speak to IDAS or NDAS/H as their written report from the marac suffices instead of a written statement from your ex and satisfies their requirements for consideration.

While women's aid can sign post and tell you your rights they don't sit in advocacy or risk assessment meetings.

You need to see this as a box ticking exercises. If you want X, you have to do Y first. If you want to be placed into council accomodation or temporary housing, then you need to follow this bureaucratic pathway to satisfy the requirements. Leave no i's undotted and no t's uncrossed.

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Seriously, do you know what MARAC is? OP hasn't mentioned a single police call out nevermind one at MARAC level.

As everyone has said (including the OP) she needs to write her statement with support from women's aid or similar to be classed as at risk of DV before DV protocols kick in.

JenniferBooth · 09/10/2025 00:22

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 09/10/2025 00:21

This is illegal if you've expressed you're at risk of abuse. The domestic abuse act 2021 makes it quite clear that any applicant fleeing or being unable to remain in the home due to abuse or violence must be treated as homeless. This isn't limited to physical violence.

This is why I am advising to speak to IDAS or NDAS/H as their written report from the marac suffices instead of a written statement from your ex and satisfies their requirements for consideration.

While women's aid can sign post and tell you your rights they don't sit in advocacy or risk assessment meetings.

You need to see this as a box ticking exercises. If you want X, you have to do Y first. If you want to be placed into council accomodation or temporary housing, then you need to follow this bureaucratic pathway to satisfy the requirements. Leave no i's undotted and no t's uncrossed.

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THIS

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 09/10/2025 00:21

Beetiq · 08/10/2025 23:55

@JenniferBooth apparently she wants to confirm with him that myself and the kids at risk of homelessness.

This is illegal if you've expressed you're at risk of abuse. The domestic abuse act 2021 makes it quite clear that any applicant fleeing or being unable to remain in the home due to abuse or violence must be treated as homeless. This isn't limited to physical violence.

This is why I am advising to speak to IDAS or NDAS/H as their written report from the marac suffices instead of a written statement from your ex and satisfies their requirements for consideration.

While women's aid can sign post and tell you your rights they don't sit in advocacy or risk assessment meetings.

You need to see this as a box ticking exercises. If you want X, you have to do Y first. If you want to be placed into council accomodation or temporary housing, then you need to follow this bureaucratic pathway to satisfy the requirements. Leave no i's undotted and no t's uncrossed.

Original poster
Beetiq · 09/10/2025 00:21

@andweallsingalong the homelessness team agreed that I couldn’t stay at that address so I am not classed as intentionally homeless. And then they advised me to move in with my ex or friends or family (regret my choice) but was based on the children still being able to attend school. I should have moved in with my family & sorted out schools after. Anyway, we live and learn. I am going to write the statement. Thank you for your advise.

OP posts:
Mondaytuesdayhappydays · 09/10/2025 00:19

andweallsingalong · 09/10/2025 00:14

You didn't become homeless in the Council's terms. You always had somewhere to live. You left before the bailiffs so would likely have been classed as intentionally homeless and so they would likely have declined their duty so they encouraged your to stay with friends or family instead.

You are now with your ex and she wants to speak with him to say he can't have you there to support your homeless claim.

He won't so you need to write the statement.

For anyone else who is reading always take independent advice. Most councils have very little accommodation for far too many people in need so will always try and support you not to become officially homeless.

True - there is no stock or very little

Mondaytuesdayhappydays · 09/10/2025 00:18

Beetiq · 09/10/2025 00:08

@Mondaytuesdayhappydays my ex is verbally, emotionally, psychologically abusive, manipulative, gaslights me, but not violent.

That is Violence and it is not safe for you and your children
Speak to women’s aid they will advise you on how to leave safely
that’s the priority
They can refer you to the IDVA service Who can then support you with applying for social housing or getting into a private rental x

andweallsingalong · 09/10/2025 00:14

You didn't become homeless in the Council's terms. You always had somewhere to live. You left before the bailiffs so would likely have been classed as intentionally homeless and so they would likely have declined their duty so they encouraged your to stay with friends or family instead.

You are now with your ex and she wants to speak with him to say he can't have you there to support your homeless claim.

He won't so you need to write the statement.

For anyone else who is reading always take independent advice. Most councils have very little accommodation for far too many people in need so will always try and support you not to become officially homeless.

Original poster
Beetiq · 09/10/2025 00:08

@Mondaytuesdayhappydays my ex is verbally, emotionally, psychologically abusive, manipulative, gaslights me, but not violent.

OP posts:
Mondaytuesdayhappydays · 09/10/2025 00:03

If you ask them to help you get into a refuge -will need to evidence why you are not safe in ex’s home- once there you will most likely be given a band A for social housing.
Are the kids open to social care due to the DV? Xx I ask as that could give you and them oversight and protection in the short term before you can be moved to safety

Original poster
Beetiq · 08/10/2025 23:59

@Mondaytuesdayhappydaysi have contacted women’s aid. I don’t have IDVA at the moment.

OP posts:
Mondaytuesdayhappydays · 08/10/2025 23:57

Do you have an IDVA ?

Original poster
Beetiq · 08/10/2025 23:55

@JenniferBooth apparently she wants to confirm with him that myself and the kids at risk of homelessness.

OP posts:
Mondaytuesdayhappydays · 08/10/2025 23:54

Fluffyhoglets · 08/10/2025 23:23

That's against the law/guidance now as well. And can be challenged.

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My area too

Mondaytuesdayhappydays · 08/10/2025 23:53

LakieLady · 08/10/2025 15:48

And councils are wise to this because loads of people try it on, and a fair few get away with it. I've worked in homelessness prevention/resettlement in 3 different LA areas, and all 3 would have asked for a statement as the bare minimum.

Even with that, I know of several cases where a couple have "reconciled" soon after one of them has got social housing.

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Yes, that type of collusion is very common frustratingly given the housing stock shortages.

You need to contact Refuge or Women’s aid for advice around safe and immediate temporary accommodation.

JenniferBooth · 08/10/2025 23:48

Why is the council officer asking to speak to him when you have told them he is verbally abusive?

Original poster
Beetiq · 08/10/2025 23:36

@Fluffyhogletsi am working with women’s aid at the moment, I will be writing a statement and sending it to the homelessness officer.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beetiq · 08/10/2025 23:31

@Wifeofazombiei left before being evicted in agreement with the homelessness team. They agreed I couldn’t stay after all & advised staying with friends or family or my ex.

OP posts:
Fluffyhoglets · 08/10/2025 23:23

Wifeofazombie · 08/10/2025 23:23

You left property before bailiffs evicted you? If so the council would find you intentionally homeless in my area.

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That's against the law/guidance now as well. And can be challenged.

Wifeofazombie · 08/10/2025 23:23

Beetiq · 08/10/2025 22:47

@GAJLYi am actually homeless. Homelessness doesn’t just mean being out on the streets. I became homeless when we moved from the previous address. Right now, I don’t have the right to be here (ex can throw me out any time. He’s only letting me stay here because of the kids.

You left property before bailiffs evicted you? If so the council would find you intentionally homeless in my area.

Fluffyhoglets · 08/10/2025 23:23

It's not reasonable for the Council to expect you to live somewhere you're experiencing domestic abuse (DA can be verbal/control not just violence).
It doesn't matter if the ex agrees you can stay or not. It's not reasonable for you to live somewhere where you are being abused.
Shelter ane right you are homeless you should have been put under the relief duty when evicted - not prevention - and you need to appeal. You do need to report the DA though as you need evidence of that.
TA may well be a hotel to start with.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 08/10/2025 23:08

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 08/10/2025 23:04

Afaik women's aid won't hold a marac though, theyll simply signpost you and help you make an escape plan if you need it.

IDAS however will host a multi agency meeting with the council and the police where they discuss the risk to you and your children and advocate for you to be placed back on the council housing register at a higher priority, or seek temporary accommodation.

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Sorry I didn't realise idas was primarily yorkshire and humber. The NDAS can also be called and they can hold a marac too.

WallaceinAnderland · 08/10/2025 23:05

Technically you are not homeless, you and your children are living with your ex. What the officer needs is a statement from him that you cannot live with him. He is not prepared to say that because, as far as he is concerned, he is happy for you to live with him.