Husband walked out on me and our kids in foreign country

Pastoral family care within the army?
This is a dangerous abusive man and he needs reporting to family services.
He has terrorised you and your children.
Report him.
Make it their problem to help you.

Disgusting man. Come back to the UK, as far away from him as you can. It sounds like he is giving his blessing so no worries legally.
Do you have skills that you can turn into work and earnings?

Being a single mum is so much easier than being a mum and living with a nasty person. I say this from my own experience.

Just wanted to come on and say how true this statement is. I shudder when I think of what I put up with from my XH. Let this newest event be the catalyst for a whole new future for you and your children. And, coming from someone who has elderly parents and a brother who is severely mentally ill and, similarly to your situation, cannot see my child - and has ended up being defacto next of kin for all 3 of them and thus managing their complex lives, it might be less stressful for you to keep a few oceans apart from them.

OP if he is currently saying you can move back to the UK with the children and he will see them a couple of times a year then I would be on the first flight out of there before he changes his mind. Because the children are resident in Australia and you can't take them to live in the UK without his permission.

Make sure you have something in writing which you can use as evidence that he gave you permission to take them. Even if it's just screen shots of a text conversation. You don't want to bring them back to live in the UK and then one day get a knock on the door from the local police because he's accused you of kidnapping them.

You deserve better and need to separate/ divorce. At least the big decision is easy .

The questions are how and when . Good luck ! Love and strength xx

This sounds like an awful situation, and it sounds like you have got the wrong partner. You’re going to have to leave him somehow.

Setting aside the marital problems/abuse: What help are you getting for the pp ocd? An acquaintance of mine had this, it did almost destroyed her family too; her mother had to step in and take her baby and toddler for a few months while my acquaintance had in-patient care in a hospital where she could be treated for her mental ill-health. She needed a lot of support (which you are not getting) and psychotherapy. Eventually she did recover and has been able to live a normal life without the ocd ruling every moment.

I think your dh is correct that using strong undiluted bleach around the home is a really bad idea - it can cause hives and breathing difficulties in my own experience. Your brain may be screaming at you that you need to sanitise and wash and cleanse endlessly, but the reality is that your ocd may be taking over. Your dh should be helping you to seek medical help not shouting at you and blaming you.

I think it would do you good to visit a doctor about the ocd. Then plan to resume full time work and put the kids in nursery full time. That way you get some space from worrying about dirty/germy kids, you build up financial independence and you can plan to leave your dh.

@Sillysalamander what a horrible situation for you. Some thoughts as you take stock:

It sounds as though you might have a more established support network in Australia than in the UK by now.
Rents are very high in the UK and rental properties in short supply in many areas.
Ditto nurseries even with funded hours if you were eligible.
Jobs ditto unless you have a very sought after skill and wages are low in many areas
Your child maintenance would be higher in Australia
30,000 Australian dollars will go nowhere in relocating but might set you up nicely there.

The UK is pretty dire atm so wanted you to have an honest overview. Good luck with it all.

Like others has said, take your time. You do have options. You will find very good financial support there i believe, including rent money and benefits. Look into this when you get your breath back. There is no rush to leave or to stay. Just take your time. For example you have New Zealand as an option. Or you may decide to stay and in 2 years move away. The kids are so young, they will be fine anywhere because they have you.

You will make yourself a much better life. Being a single mum is so much easier than being a mum and living with a nasty person. I say this from my own experience.

Dont question yourself, just do what's right for you, and your children will be better for it.

Good luck

Repeating the advice to check in with his superior officer and ask for any help they can give. You are not alone. You are not wrong. You are not broken.

I'd leave while you can. He might calm down and change his mind about the children and then you're stuck.

So sorry this has happened.

You can get help in the uk while you're getting on your feet. I know it feels overwhelming but I'd just get out and worry about the rest later.

Please pack up and leave as soon as possible before he changes his mind. Get a place near your dad and settle down and get a job and whatever benefits you are entitled to. You are going to get through this.

That's great that he's not interested in the children, and I would try to leave the country with them ASAP. Take the money from the bank account and put it somewhere he can't have access. You know him better than we do - is he likely to use the DC or the money to try to manipulate or punish you? Or do you think he just wants to be childfree again? How will he react when he realises you got the money from the bank account?

He sounds awful OP, your poor 3 year old, you need to get away.

But living with someone with OCD is also really, really hard and can be very damaging for children. My mum grew up with a parent with OCD and it was a really awful experience and has really affected her own thinking. You will be able to justify all the things you do and you will think you're keeping everyone 'safe' but it is actually really intense and limiting for children. It is definitely not good at all for them to be breathing in any bleach. You do really need to get help too.

Get your kids back to the UK quickly before he changes his mind.

I wouldn’t jump into making any rash decisions yet, as you’re in shock.

For example, would you actually be better to stay in Australia. The UK really isn’t necessarily your best option.

Your father has got his hands full with your brother, and no doubt you would get embroiled into those issues, when you’ve got two little ones that you need to concentrate on.

Please check your personal messages, Op. I will write to you there.

Maybe just go somewhere new and start afresh, it doesn’t really sound like either country is right for you. I wouldn’t move near abusive family to escape abusive family.

He sounds awful and you should leave. Nobody deserves to be treated like that.

Also, you also need to get help for your compulsive behaviours because it’s impacting your children too. Bleaching everywhere their socks have touched is deeply abnormal, and your child’s feelings of shame over a tummy bug are a direct response to the way you’ve responded to it.

Yeeesss.... and living costs are commensurate. I.e. cost per litre of milk in Aus is 2.33 versus UK is 1.24... so she isn't "losing" money. So the lower pound price is reflected in the lower prices of purchases in the UK.

So sorry OP. I was in similar circumstances but stuck in the Middle East when I had to leave to come back to the UK. I started again and it was the best thing I ever did.

Whilst you gather your thoughts just make sure you speak to someone about ensuring he pays maintenance. It maybe they take it straight from salary in the military but this is definitely harder to sort out when you are back home.

I know it's hard right now but try to put your energy into the goal of hope and joy (it is possible), rather than fear. If you return to the UK, you will be safe and OK. Do you really want this low life seeing your kids? I know I wouldn't.

Regardless of what you decide to do for the long term, isn’t there some support network or welfare services at the military base where he’s stationed presently?

Do you have any support network where you are? Would you want to/can you afford to stay there? If not I’d take the opportunity of returning now whilst your husband has given you permission to take the kids back. Your husband sounds awful and you shouldn’t have to tolerate being spoken to like that. If I was you I’d contact your dad and let him know the situation - is he able to go view rental properties for you? If not then stay in a hotel for a few days until you can sort somewhere more permanent.

Exactly - I was also confused by the claim of losing half!

OP best of luck in your next steps. I am worried he will try and screw things up for you as he sounds awful.

That's not "losing 50%" - that's the same "worth" just in different currencies. Losing 50% would be the OP getting 25 pence per Australian dollar (i.e. getting only 50% of the actual worth of the Australian dollars.

The Japanese Yen is about 100 Yen to 1 AUS dollar - but you wouldn't say that someone "gains" 100X the amount by moving to Japan.