Husband walked out on me and our kids in foreign country

What country are you in right now? I couldn't figure it out from your post.

I'd also report his behaviour to his commanding officer. The military generally takes a dim view on soldiers who are abusive to their families and should take steps to protect and support you and your children. You can also have a look at this page which has some resources to support you including a helpline - https://www.defence.gov.au/adf-members-families/crisis-support/family-domestic-violence-support

Definitely come back to the UK. Mainly because he sounds like an abusive dick so the more distance you put between you and your kids and him the better. His type will enjoy playing power games with you for as long as it amuses him.

I would personally take all the savings I could get my hands on (not just half)(if he kicks off tell him it’s for therapy for your 3 yr old, and/ or when he stops paying towards the kids, which he will) and get out before he changes his mind.

Then get a rental, ideally for 6 months, somewhere you want to live and look for good childcare and a job. Ideally try to get something with a decent salary so you can put your savings towards a deposit asap. But you should also be entitiled to some free childcare too now.

My situation with 2 under 3 was so similar. Right down to the stomach virus, him not being able to breathe because of my cleaning, the eldest feeling blamed for something completely normal, and the blatant abuse.

All I can tell you is that 6 years later (yes it took me 6 years to leave) we are not together and I have the strength and resources to be alone with the kids. It's a long road, especially if you have someone in your face every day telling you you're getting it wrong or you're the cause of the problems and no strong role models in the background like parents who can step in.

A few things - OCD behaviors or thoughts around the time of having kids is completely normal. Don't expect your brain to go back to normal and not be hyper focused on keeping everyone safe, until several years after the hormones stop actively flowing. You are right, d&v is super contagious and it is a nightmare, especially for the mother, when the whole family goes down with it. Not cleaning up in the way that you were would have led to even more contamination. Because he is not first in line to suffer the consequences, he doesn't see the point of cleaning.

I am making myself angry and triggering myself now as my situation was so similar to yours. All I can tell you is to hang in there. Watch videos and read about coerceive control, abuse and the mental load. Every time he is telling you "how it is" do not believe him. You will find it very hard but do not believe a word he says to you about you or about how what you're doing is wrong. Because you are vulnerable right now you feel like his support is your only option. I promise that it isn't

Does aus army have family support officer or something?

Find your options. I think british army give you 6 months in married accomadation to sort things out while spouse lives in single quarters.

Don't feel forced to come back to uk if you dont want to. Build your own life in Australia if thats an option

She needs to use the element of surprise to get them out of the country. Whether that’s Australia or a third country. That’s why I think that you should carry on as normal while you get passports and flights sorted. Or, if possible, leave with his permission for a return trip and don’t come back. They may ask you for a letter of permission at the airport to travel with his children . It’s probably good to get return tickets to help reduce this possibility if you are going without telling him. You have to be able to predict whether he will turn on you if he knows you are leaving him, and in what ways. If there is any chance of him using the children to hurt you (even if he has little actual interest in the children right now), then get yourself and them out of the country before he realises you are leaving him.

If you're an Australian citizen you can get help here in Aus through Centrelink, including emergency payments. Living outside the country for a reasonable period of time does affect it though. Check with the defence force as well.

I would suggest, if you go back to the UK & your kids were born in Aus, to get your ex to sign a court order. It needs to be done by a solicitor & filed at the couthouse. My friend, who took her DC back to Canada after she split with her Aus DH, was told she needed it or her ex could state at any time that she kidnapped them. In their case, he signed & has been to see them once in two years. I ran into him & he whinged he couldn't afford to go this year. He's got enough money to travel & indulge his expensive hobby, though. It's sad, these men just don't want to parent their kids & how easily he let them go.

I also read this as if she is in a third country.

Regardless you need to come back to the UK because if you don’t you will have the decision of where you want to live in the long term removed from you. Australia will not allow you to take the children without your husband’s permission. And I don’t think there is any hope of your marriage surviving this incident.

I wouldn’t necessarily assume that the army will support the OP either. I’ve worked on a military base before and the wives were not championed, let’s put in that way. I’ve seen women removed from the base when they have split with their husbands.

She can’t leave until she has in writing that he agrees (via a solicitor). Otherwise, he can accuse her of abduction (Hague convention). Him verbally saying it isn’t enough

Its pretty clear that there is nothing in this relationship for you, whatever there was has died. And you do need to prioritise the children because as you quite rightly say his behaviour, non acceptance of any responsibility and clear lack of empathy does not make good father or husband material.

I'm sorry its not clear from your post whether you are in AUS or another country, as AUS is a foreign country to me as I am British.

Personally, given that you are in whatever country due to his military service, I would speak with the Family Officers or the Welfare support team and enlist their support - this will inform you of your options. Some suggestions:

1. Defence Community Organisation (DCO)

• The DCO supports all ADF families, including foreign spouses.
• They offer:
• Family counselling
• Crisis support
• Help navigating Defence systems
• Contacting DCO is a strong first step. They can coordinate with welfare officers and legal advisors.

1. Unit Welfare Officer or Chain of Command

• Every ADF unit has a welfare officer or someone in the chain of command responsible for member conduct.
• If the serving member has abandoned his family, this may breach Defence values and obligations.
• The spouse can report the situation confidentially, and the unit may intervene or escalate the issue.

1. ADF Chaplains

• Chaplains offer confidential support to families regardless of religion.
• They can help mediate, provide emotional support, and connect the spouse to other services.

Overseas & Dual Nationality Considerations

1. Australian Embassy or High Commission

• If the family is in a foreign country, the local Australian diplomatic mission can assist with:
• Emergency travel documents
• Welfare concerns
• Repatriation support

1. British Consular Services

• As a British citizen, the spouse can also contact the nearest UK embassy or consulate.
• They can help with:
• Legal advice
• Child protection concerns
• Emergency accommodation or travel

1. Legal Advice

• The spouse may need legal help regarding custody, abandonment, or relocation.
• DCO can refer to Defence-approved legal services, or the spouse can seek independent advice in the host country or UK.

You are in a difficult situation but you can get through this - sending big hugs

Oh my, he has really enjoyed grinding down your confidence, killing your soul, while you are raring two beautiful babies, they deserve a calm home.
I'm so sorry, speak to his superior or any family liason about helping you to return to the UK without him.
He is a disgusting person, a soulless sick individual.

YANBU OP

In your situation I would get back to the UK as soon as possible. Do you have any friends here?

Your marriage is over - that much is obvious.

Where do you want to be? UK or Australia.. take it from there

He's in the forces so you will be able to garnish wages and pension for your support as long as that is his work. I would say the Australians are more efficient at making that happen

OP your husband is an utter disgusting human being.

I would absolutely have done the same re the cleaning. So YANBU.

I think you need to keep you and the kids safe and make plans to leave.

can you get a solicitor involved and get your husband to agree in writing to you leaving the country with the kids? I say this so he doesn’t trick you and then accuse you of abducting them. The reason is that Australia is part of The Hague convention which states that if a parent wrongfully removes or retains a child overseas the other parent can apply for the child’s return under this Convention

He’s in the military? Is there someone you can speak to in the organisation, pastoral care or similar?

Jesus is his job Sergeant Major? Do you want to come back to the UK or would you rather stay in Aus? You've probably got the beginnings of a better support network there than you have in the UK. What family help is available via the military for you?
I think that numb weird feeling is some kind of coping mechanism TBH - whatever you decide to do, you'll get through it and come out the other side eventually a much stronger person.

I wish you and your DC all the best whatever you decide .

You’ve done nothing wrong Op. The fact you think you might’ve shows how much he’s eroded your self confidence. I’m so sorry you’ve had to suffer because of your children’s father.

There must be advice available for people in your situation, I’d start googling and trying to find some numbers. It’ll be a slog for a while but eventually him leaving will be the best thing that could’ve happened.

If you do want to come back and rent a property do it asap
As things stand with no job and no credit history you may not pass referencing for a rental but currently you can offer to pay some rent up front
From April (probably) you can't pay more than 1 months rent upfront so if you can't pass referencing you may be a bit stuck.

To who? Doesn't sound like he's done anything illegal or for which he would be arrested. Nor precluded from seeing his children. Then he doesn't seem to want that much. So I'd focus on getting home and housed.

I'd get my hands on that money, get a plane home, rent a studio, get a part-time job, sort the divorce over the subsequent 6 months.

Then I'd approach the DWP to get universal credit and aim to be in full-time work when youngest child was 3.

During that 3 years I would apply for social housing on the basis of being overcrowded and be willing to relocate for the process of getting a forever house.

OP I've got old friends who live abroad who I haven't really been in much contact with for a number of years. If one of them was in your situation and came to me for help I would gladly do what I could to get them set back up in the UK. May be worth contacting old friends even if you've not been in touch for a while.

First if all, you get legal advice sharp ish.
He migut have said you can go back t9 the U.K. It doesn’t he won’t be an anrse and go back on that. So get legal advice and put everything you need into place so you can move back legally abd safely. You don’t want to have to deal with some abduction proceedings on top because you’ve moved back to the U.K. with the dcs but wo his agreement.

Second, I don’t think you have much choices.
It’s either separate and stay in the country you’re in now.
Or separate and go back to the U.K.
Staying usnt an option and I suspect you know it.

If/when you decide to go back, I’d start with ensuring you have your savings nicely tucked away. Check what help is available /benefits/support re childcare etc… (even though none of it will be available to you straight away. You’d to have been living 3 or 6 months first to be considered a resident). You can do all of that whilst abroad too.
Having your dad around for moral support is great. So would having a friend or two if you’re still in contact with some of them.

I so sorry you've been going through this abuse.
Can you contact womans aid in the uk? They should be able to give you support and advice despite currently being abroad.

It's very good that he is agreeing to you leaving with the DC, I would focus on getting a flight back ASAP (if possible ask for a letter of consent to show the airport. Firstly as you technically need consent to fly from anyone with parental responsibility, and secondly because it shows down the line that you didn't leave with the DC without his "permission" if he starts trying to control you).
Don't worry about money or support right now. I know that feels important to have in place, but the priority is getting you and the DC away from that angry and potentially dangerous man.
It will be easier to start building a support network once you are settled in the UK, you will get universal credit and if you can find a part time job then a large % of your childcare costs will be covered too.
This is the hardest part, then things will start improving. You just need to take that step of getting back here - even if that temporarily means emergency accommodation in a womans shelter with the DC whilst you wait for a council property to become available.

Please get your children and him away from him. Putting an ocean between you sounds like the best plan in the circumstances. It will not be easy, but you will get through the tunnel to the other end and your children will be less damaged, and you will be able to breathe again. So sorry you are going through this.

Most posters are reading this as if the OP is in Australia. I'm however thinking she is in an additional third country?
Which makes sense given the time the post was written as well.
@Sillysalamander would you prefer to be in Australia itself? Is there a financial safety net for you there? Any friends there?