Not to put " flee money" towards house

So you're hoarding money, has your dh done the same? Marriage is about sharing, it seems selfish to me.

The pp said that in Australia all savings have to be declared on a mortgage application. They don't in the UK , and gathering and keeping a record of data that is unnecessary (and details of savings are not necessary to a mortgage application in the UK). Please do not pick snippets of my post to criticise if your not prepared to take on board the entirety of what I have written.

It’s not that they ‘need’ to know - it’s the fact that it’s public record. If you check your credit statement on any of the credit sites (my bank account links to one) it has a list of the balances on all your debts (loans, cards, etc), ie every account in your name - including savings. They even asked us, when we renewed recently, to explain what specific regular and one off payments were for. One of the ones they queried was a monthly DD to our 17yo son’s account labelled ‘monthly allowance’. Those queries were sent in an email addressed to both DH and I, even though they related to my account and others only to his. There is no expectation of privacy between the joint parties applying - so OP’s DH will become very aware that she has a savings fund.

Hopefully you'll never need it but I did and I didn't have it, keep it. You have DC and they may need it one day

I know so many women of all ages who had a little fund of their own. A friend’s mother who had been in a very abusive relationship finally afpdmitted to it as she was dying and quietly transferred it to my friend…just in case the daughter needed it ever.

suppose I do too…I have savings of my own that mean I could start again if I needed to. DH knows about them.

In my opinion, good or bad marriage, every woman needs her own savings. It doesn’t have to be thought of as a running away fund, it’s just personal savings which we are all entitled to.

Buy the house if it’s worth the risk of further bullying from him. Maybe you have a higher tolerance level than some of us. However, keep your savings to yourself. It’s your fund and nothing to do with anyone else however much easier it might make a bully’s life.

I did this in my last marriage. Like you, I half thought I should and half wondered why I was doing it. Turned out I needed it. He did turn really nasty one night and the money paid for my divorce and helped me remortgage. I’m now happily remarried and don’t feel the need to do this. If you feel any sort of need, I would say keep it. Just in case.

You either leave or you don’t. Squirrelling money away that would better your whole family’s life I think is wrong. 4 occasions of “shouting” in 15 years…… …lots of couples argue and more regularly than that

If I was with someone who’s specific behaviour had led me to believe there was a chance I’d need to flee them (as opposed to having this money because you were always taught to, or because you’ve always saved like this), I would leave them now.

The obvious answer here is do not buy a house with a man who makes you feel like you need 'flee money'.

My grandmother always kept an account with enough money to leave.

When she was 78 she decided she would like a large and beautiful conservatory. She purchased one. This was much to the surprise of my Grandfather. He had no idea where the money had come
from. My grandmother had decided that at her age she wouldn’t be needing to leave.

She told me that she had an amazing marriage, but everyone who ends up leaving a relationship thought it was a good relationship at some point… make your hay whilst the sun shines.

They just need to know your income, credit score, deposit, ability to make monthly payments and so on . You don't have to declare your entire savings.

@HelenaWaiting this is one example https://www.commbank.com.au/home-loans/applying-for-a-home-loan.html

I think a lot of the information on affordability is government mandated because we previously had massively problems with borrowers being stuck with unaffordable loans. At one point, the drivers dog would have been eligible for a mortgage.

I’d keep it and possibly increase my contributions!

I'm baffled as to why the bank need to know. They need to know where the deposit is coming from, your income, credit rating and affordability (ie any other major outgoings such as loans). If I had to declare all my savings I would want to know why they needed the information, and if they can't show why, GDPR (data protection) applies. Organisations are not supposed to gather and keep customer data that is not required to conduct their business.

I wouldn’t be buying a house with anyone when I felt the need to have fleeing money!

Well I wouldn’t be buying a house / another house with someone I had an escape fund for. I’d think very carefully before committing to any fixed rate deals. I’d keep the money, the last thing you want to do is admit it exists

My question is why are you looking to buy a house with a man who bullies and belittles you!? Use that flee fund now and enjoy a happier life for you and your kids.

Do not tell him about the money and keep it.

If you were in Australia and were applying for a mortgage, that flee fund would need to be declared on your application form. If you didn’t, the bank would be asking why the information you have provided doesn’t match the information they have access to.

Can you hide something like that in the UK?

No.

One of the ways to think about it is a "The shit has hit the fan" fund.

So yes, potentially running away but also, if one of you loses your job tomorrow, or he drops dead suddenly so your income is halved and his finances are frozen for a while, or one of your kids needs running away money.

Never a bad idea to have a "just in case" stash.

I didn’t call mine flee money, and we never had issues, but mum had drummed into me that it was always important to have a little savings of your own.

It started with just $10 a week, but by the time we had been married 36 years, it was enough for a decent deposit on an investment property. This is now used to benefit the whole family.

DH has never connected all the dots to any kind of flee fund, just thinks I’d secretly been saving purely for the investment property all along.

I’d use the flee money to flee. He belittles and bullies you, once was enough.

Keep the savings.

Trust your gut, always.