Not to put " flee money" towards house

No they’re not. Not one of my savings account, investment accounts or ISAs are on my credit record… because they have no credit attached to them. My current accounts with overdrafts show, but just as zero balances as there is zero credit.

Are you in the UK?

Everyone should have a parachute fund. Trust your gut and keep it to one side and don’t tie it up in a house

Keep your safety net just in case x

The very fact you think you need a flee fund is reason to keep it.

Keep the money. Everyone should have money set aside. But if you're scared of him better to leave.

Whilst plenty of people have savings, to actively put aside money to be safe in case you need to flee your husband and marriage suggests there has been a genuine belief that you will need that. I’d keep the money safe, just in case.

OP but for some reason mumsnet won't let me log in under original email address ( keeps saying account not found). Thanks for all the comments

For all those asking why I don't flee. For the majority of the time it's a happy marriage. We have laughter, fun, shared experiences and the kids are happy. It wouldn't be easy to leave that especially as I hate being lonely. I don't feel I am on eggshells

The bullying/ belittling hasn't followed a set pattern. It's been " can't you do anything right/ why are you useless" type comments which left me crying the rest of the day. Then it's all fine again with no similar comments for years. There doesn't seem to be a trigger. I do worry about my ability to cope if it were to get more frequent ( I suffer from anxiety)

He doesn't know about the account.

In terms of buying the house. We need more space and the uncertainty of renting has more of an impact on my anxiety than the behaviour

I think I'll keep it

Don't use your savings. I doubt that it will make that much of a difference for the house.

You are missing my point. I'm not against the idea in principle of having seperate funds just in case. However the op is already concerned about her dh's behaviour and is anticipating it could escalate. It would be madness to enter into a house purchase feeling like that.

I think there’s a difference between “I’ve always had a secret stash of savings just in case I need to flee” and what OP said which was “because of his behaviour, I have saved in case I need to flee”.

You should ALWAYS have "flee money", but a lot of people don't call it that. You should ALWAYS make sure you're in a position to leave a situation if you need to.

Every relationship starts good. You're very naive if you think your relationship is the one that will never go south.

If you end up with a decent amount and your relationship IS always good, then fantastic, a little nest egg for later in life. Perfect!

Hello no. That would be staying with me.

Keep the savings!

If I felt I needed an escape fund I would use it to escape

I think if you’ve spent the last 15 years accumulating money for the express purpose of having to flee the man you’re in a relationship with then you already know the answer.

Keep the money, and preferably use it to leave! There’s nothing wrong with having separate finances, but if you have the kind of relationship where your partner is so unpleasant that you feel you might need an emergency fund to leave at any moment then you shouldn’t be with that man. Belittling and bullying is never OK, and you shouldn’t have to deal with it.

I have a fuck off fund, as a result of a dreadful previous relationship. DH fully aware of it, fully happy for me to have it and I will keep it until the day I die, when it will transfer to DD. And no, I wouldn't put it towards any house purchase, DH wouldn't ask or expect me to.

I think if you need ‘flee money’ you shouldn’t be buying a house with someone. Yes, everyone should have a bit of savings. But it’s never occurred to me in my 17 years with Dh to put money aside in case I needed to escape. I have savings, yes, that could be used as a deposit on a rental, sure. But if enough incidents have occurred that you genuinely have a pot of money to run away with, a new house is not the thing you are needing right now.

To be fair, everyone would be trotting out "it's family money" if this was a man posting, although it's not directly comparable.

I think he’d wonder where the money came from I also worry that you’ve felt the need to have this fund - something made you feel that way
If you give it up you’ll be unlikely to be able to save it again as he would be more mindful about money

I'm torn on this.

You should definitely have independent savings. I have independent savings. But it's in case my husband leaves ME - and even then, not even mindfully, just a vague sense that I want to feel independent.

If I had what I referred to as a 'flee fund', I wouldn't even be entering into a mortgage with this guy - because financial ties are far more binding than marriage.

So YANBU to keep the money. YABU to consider buying a house with someone you are not 100% sure about.

As others have said, don’t think I’d want to stay with or buy a property with someone who had treated me badly or made me feel I needed an escape fund.

Keep your fund. 100%

So from someone who knows how complicated it is to be with a man like this,
KEEP THE MONEY & don't say a word.

Posters trotting out 'its family money' are massively naive & I actually think it's quite dangerous to start guilting women in relationships with a history of periodic abusive episodes that they are selfish if they make themselves financially vulnerable.

The ones saying leave or done but the house are probably right but 15y of history (20 in my case) and love and family and all the things that make a relationship, are hard to walk away from over something that only happens once every few years (I await the spoonful of shit in your coffee analogy).

They don’t have to be declared - but they are visible on the credit check! Every single store card. Mortgage lenders can see them listed and will ask about them.

just look at yours. It’s there. She won’t be able to hide it.

Being abusive towards your partner is more selfish if we are playing appropriate marital behaviour top trumps.

OP keep your fuck off fund. I think every adult should have some of their own savings for this, because anyone can find themselves in an abusive relationship, in a mentally destroying job etc.

As pp have said - why would you consider buying a house with someone you think you need a flee fund for?