Housework while on maternity leave

Yabvu. I’m a sahm and did 2 mat leaves. The very least you can do is make dinner. And I would be very pissed off if I was your dh and you went off for an hour with the dog and didn’t make dinner.
you are taking the piss here. Absolutely.

She says he does 60%

He doesn't do more though. You're here saying he doesn't.

This is a weird dynamic, with him saying one minute you're doing amazingly, and the next you're doing nothing.

You both need to clear this up. It doesn't stop after maternity leave.

It isn't housework though that they appear to be bickering over. It is basic household functions - laundry, dishes, meals. Those can't wait until the baby is older, so they need to find a way to make it work because what they are doing now isn't working for either of them. I don't think anyone is suggesting show home perfection is needed with a baby (or in my case, ever).

That’s fine if that is not a priority, but here both seem to have certain expectations. The baby is five months old, likely to be getting more mobile, and in a home with pets so some cleaning is necessary. If op wants to spend her time with the baby that is great but maybe employ a cleaner, as previously suggested, to lighten the load and a dogwalker so that her dog gets at least one long walk a day.

There are two people on this relationship and the husband already works full time and does 60@% of the housework. He has clearly expressed he would like the OP to do more than she does and her response is to be viciously insulting and decide to put the baby in nursery out of spite (by her own admission).

If OP wants to risk her relationship then by all means she can carry out occasionally emptying the dishwasher and baking banana bread. But if she wants to have a good relationship with her partner perhaps she should find a compromise that works for both of them

Bearightthere this is a fleeting & precious time for OP. There's no need to be worrying about housework which will eventually get done anyway. Her dh needs to either suck it up or lower his ideals. We don't all need to live in a pristine home.

And no problem if her relationship falls apart in the meantime because her husband is sick of the disparity in who does what he?

ISTG most of you are so determined to always make the man the problem it's pathetic. OP needs to do more.

OP unfortunately you won't get much sympathy on AIBU. Posters here are notorious for being nasty. I've just been on the organised mum fb page, you should join it if you think it may help. A mum with a young baby asked for advice and was told to rest & enjoy her baby. The housework can wait. When your dc is in school your house will be tidy

I think this is a six of one, half a dozen the other situation, where both partners are wanting to blame the other and it is turning into a bickering party where neither wants to see their own flaws.

By 5 months, even with an unsettled baby, I would expect there to be more of a rhythm to the day to allow time for things to get done. The number of baby groups, meeting friends and parents is likely adding to the unsettlement of the baby, and I wonder whether pulling back from some of that would allow more opportunity for the baby to get into a rhythm with napping properly and allowing time for other things to get done.

Even if slings and prams didn't work previously, they might by now, which would allow dog walking to be done with the baby. Yes, big, strong dog, needs training, which in honesty should have been done before having a baby, so needs addressing now, but a dog and a baby together are manageable with the right tools and techniques.

A calm conversation is needed about what time dinner is at in the evenings, and a bit of meal planning so that it doesn't matter who cooks, as whoever does it knows what is on the menu that night. Flexible timing is fine when there is no baby involved, not so much once there is, and even less so once the baby is also having a meal with you. Online supermarket orders, cooking double quantities so there is enough for the next day, simplifying meal options, whatever it takes to minimize effort.

Routine daily tasks like emptying dishwashers and laundry all take a matter of minutes and there is no excuse for not doing them during the day as they need doing, while the baby is on a playmat. This is separate from cleaning the house, which is more of a joint effort and agreement is needed there about who does what and when.

It is also easy to overlook the pressure that many men feel when they become fathers, in terms of the financial responsibility landing on them. He has clearly indicated he doesn't want OP to spend her savings so may be concerned about making sure they can manage and feels the burden is on him. He is also an older father, adjusting to parenthood and having to work at the same time. My brother was nearly that age when he had his first and was absolutely exhausted by it.

@orangesmarties9 but he does pitch in, the op clearly said the housework is split 60/40 with him doing more. So he’s working full time and still doing more housework.
The list that the op said she did in a week left lots of household tasks out so if she’s not doing them he must be

To be fair attempting to get a 5 year old to nap in a Moses basket isn’t going to lead to good sleep is it? Infact the fact Op thinks it’s safe and appropriate suggests perhaps she needs some parenting guidance to help her get those structures into her day to help.

You don’t sound very objective. The OP’s partner works full time. He does 60% of the housework by the OP’s estimate. He looks after their child while she takes an hour each evening to walk the dog. And she takes the piss out of his age when he dares to suggest she could do a bit more. This is despite admitting there are days she does nothing apart from be with their one child. She then threatens to put her child into nursery full time to spite him. I hate to break it to you but the woman isn't always in the right just because she birthed the child.

There have been lots of suggestions and advice from other mums regarding how she can make small adjustments to see a big improvement in terms of her ability to put her child down (safely). She has excuses for all of them. Instead she chooses to lug her baby around in a Moses basket she confesses isnt safe. Take the child into the bathroom with her, rather than use a cot etc etc So no, I don’t have a lot of sympathy for a person who had a child with someone and then name calls them a few months in when things get hard.

Why not tell her OP's baby that?

OP, if you look down the back of the baby, just above the lower back, you'll find the "nap" button there. It's square and purple. Press it and your baby will nap. You're welcome 😉.

Baby in a baby carrier to walk dog? Music on. Chat to baby. Go together as a family? He sounds like he needs some time outside.
Things will improve. How about writing things down and making a little shared plan together

I’m on maternity leave with a toddler (not in nursery) & 4 month old and I do all the cooking, cleaning, tidying, laundry, food shopping, financial planning, admin (medical/dentist/vet appointments etc). DH’s jobs are to take the bins out and walk the dog.

There are things you can do once the baby is in bed that will make your life easier the next day. Tidy everything away, put the dishwasher on on a delay so the dishes will be washed by morning - ditto the laundry. Make sure you have something to put the baby in in every room I.e a cot/bouncer/high chair etc.

It can be relentless but it’s not forever.

You keep suggesting that she doesn't do those chores, but she actually does empty the dishwasher and washing machine, just not on a daily basis. But why should she have to do it all the time? Why can't he pitch in? Not every day, but on some days?

Also, did you catch the part where OP mentioned she was fine with attending baby groups just once or twice a week, but her partner pushed for her to go more often? Then moaned that she wasn’t doing her chores? Plus, her partner won’t help out with the dog, so if OP doesn't walk it, who will? If OP didn't have to juggle all these responsibilities and actually had a supportive partner, maybe she'd have more energy and time for cleaning. It really seems like her partner is calling all the shots, and OP is just expected to put up and shut up. He is controlling imo.

The op, again in her first post said she is out 5-6 times a week and manages an hour long dog walk daily. I’m not saying she shouldn’t he doing these things, I think it is great she’s getting out but the fact she can do all this with the health issues she’s mentioned would indicate to me loading a washing machine or emptying a dishwasher shouldn’t be that much of a problem.

This situation is entirely related to being a mother. If OP had no children, no health concerns and was lounging on the sofa all day, I would understand your point, but that is not the scenario here. When baby is unwell / restless / overly attached, it becomes more challenging for OP to complete tasks. Additionally, OP has mentioned that she is dealing with health issues following birth, yet people have chosen to ignore this for some reason. Why wouldn't her partner try to help if OP is struggling some days? Instead of criticising her and making her feel guilty.

By the way, I appreciate a clean and organised home, but the world won't come to an end if the dishwasher isn't emptied for a day.

@orangesmarties9the ops first post said some days she does nothing. These jobs need done so if the op isn’t doing these her DH must be. I can’t see why the op can think it’s ok to have a house and some days do nothing to contribute to the running of it.
Thats nothing to do with being a mother, it’s being an adult with responsibilities, basic household tasks, that take less than 5 minutes need doing

But OP does all those things, granted not all the time but she really shouldn’t have to. They’re meant to be a team and he should pitch in. That’s not unreasonable.

Putting cleaning aside, I feel like people are missing the bigger picture here. Her partner exhibits controlling and manipulative behaviour, saying one thing and then using it against her etc etc. Regardless of her efforts it will never meet his standards imo!

You are not married.
You need to get back to work full-time.
You do not have the luxury of staying home, particularly now as he is making digs at you.

What is the age gap?
Did you say he is 50?
You need to build up savings and protect yourself.
A big age gap and unmarried makes you very vulnerable.

For those saying that the op is not on maternity leave to do cleaning, who do you think should do it.
The op has, with her DH, a house to run, that doesn’t change just because you have a baby. Yes you may have to lower your standards but a house with a baby in it still has to be kept clean, laundry still has to be done.
Putting a load of washing on is not a big task, emptying a dishwasher washer is not a big task.
The op said she had to put shopping away in the fridge as if that was a major task, it’s not it’s all part of running a house.
Nobody is saying the ip should be washing down walls and cleaning skirting boards daily but the 3 jobs I’ve mentioned take no time at all, they are basic household tasks.