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Original poster

Housework while on maternity leave

438 replies

Olderbutneverwiser · 07/10/2025 17:19

Hello

I am struggling with the housework split whilst on maternity leave. Don't get me wrong my partner is great and does his fair share. He has always asked one thing of me, do one thing each day and he will do the bigger stuff. Some days I dont do anything but other days I'll do lots: ie fill dishwasher, empty dishwasher, put washing on, hang up/out clothes, put baby clothes away, tidy nursery, make dinners etc.). He even comments that "mummy has done lots today" and when I say to him "I feel bad i haven't done much today" he will say "yes you have, you're looking after our daughter". Although he is now saying he has only said this once (he says it most weeks).

I also go to 3 baby groups during the week, I meet with other mums and socialise (usually once/twice per week) and I visit my parents (1 hr away) - all with baby.

For dinners, we take turns who makes it. I sometimes make dinner in advance in slow cooker - curry, bolognaise, etc. Sometimes once per week. After he finishes work, I tend to work my dog for an hr, get home and then we decide who will cook dinner.

Badically what I'm getting at is, dinner is never planned out. Although partner works from home, he can be finished his work anywhere between 530-7.

Saturday after baby swim lesson, partner took himself away for 1.5 hours, didn't say anything and cleaned the whole kitchen while I looked after our baby. Yesterday when he finished work I heard him cooking dinner. He gave me dinner and whilst we were eating i noticied a spider on my little girl and i jumped (i have a fear). He got up annoyed and flicked it off telling me I could have done that. I said I would have I didn't ask him to do anything. He then starts saying I do nothing all day, I do no housework and when I do it's a rarity. He also kept saying "if I didn't make dinner who knows when we would have eaten" ive told him we need to agree a time for dinner and it isn't my.job which he agreed. I was confused as dinner is never planned out, he was acting like he always makes dinner which he doesn't. He then said all I do is swon around on maternity leave meeting friends for cake and coffee and hes the one working and "carrying us all".

It did piss me off. When I pointed out that I do make more dinners than him and then he said that dinners arent housework and so its invalid when I'm trying to make my point. I said to him entertaining a baby who doesn't like lying down, who is trying to grab everything and who is teething is hard work. I also said im tired after he finishes work as i then walk my dog fir an hr and he could do it sometmes. He said it was my choice to own a dog and he doesnt trust other dogs and so he doesnt want to walk her as he will find it stressful. He also said its my choice to own a dog (he has two cats i have a dog, these are pets from before we met). I may have called his cat an arsehole after that as he is on medication and I do my fair share, on my partners instruction of making sure he eats his medication and not letting the other cat eat it. This arsehole cat doesn't want to eat sometimes and so we follow him around for ages to eat and then we need to supervise both cats so the other doesn't eat it. Do I want to do that? No. I dont like cats but I dont bloody refuse.

Out of spite I've now contacted nurseries for a full time place as I dont want to accused of doing nothing if i were to reduce my hours as we had thought about reducing my hoursto keep nursery costs down but why should I to he moaned at. I have felt sad today as I feel I'm spiting my little girl by doing that when all I want to do is spend time with her. Im so angry. I called him a washed up 50 year old (there's an age gap!) And feel awful but he turned so nasty. Apparently I do nothing and the spider was the straw that broke the camels back. He's apologised but only for reacting.

Im glad I typed that all out. Feeling sad and a bit teary. Happy to be told if I'm being unreasonable as I can get emotional and very defensive when I'm criticised and this can cloud my judgement.

Who's in the wrong
Also, what did housework/pets look like for you on maternity leave?

I dont take back the cat arsehole comment, the cat is an asshole.

OP posts:
Bedtelly · 08/10/2025 18:59

I'll be honest when I was on Maternity leave I did the housework and dinner most nights without giving it much thought.

Wildefish · 08/10/2025 18:55

Tekknonan · 07/10/2025 17:23

Are you both 14?

Having a baby adds a lot of stress, especially the first. Mother over whelmed and dad exhausted from work and helping out. It’s not easy for some first time parents.

glittereyelash · 08/10/2025 18:52

It's stressful for everyone with small children. I think if you do up a meal plan for each week with some batch cooking at weekends it will make life a bit easier. I actually have a triple slow cooker that I use on Sundays it's a life saver! I had a very fussy baby also who screamed no matter what I did so I used a combination of sling, bouncer, beanbag chair, jumperoo and playpen to get cleaning done. He hated every single one of them but it helped me get things done. How are you managing the fussiness in the baby groups? I wasn't able to do any as he never stopped crying to do any of the activities!

Worndownbyit · 08/10/2025 18:49

I completely remember how tiring new babies are but unfortunately you cannot run your whole life around them. Try putting baby in a sling while you get a few jobs done, the lighter ones.
Also, decide on a dinner time and stick to it.

Worndownbyit · 08/10/2025 18:45

I completely remember how tiring new babies are but unfortunately you cannot run your whole life around them. Try putting baby in a sling while you get a few jobs done, the lighter ones.
Also, decide on a dinner time and stick to it.

Blablibladirladada · 08/10/2025 18:42

You both are in the wrongs…

You both work and should be more respectful of the other. Find something that work and stick with it…even on days you don’t feel like it for you…even if 10more minutes and missing dinner for him.

To be in the same space and with a baby is a huge adjustment. Leave each other space and honestly just move on coz if you stick with this argument…you’ll have hundreds like that!

« You could have done that! »… « Yes, sorry » do better. That is the job. For both of you.

Good luck.

Teddybear23 · 08/10/2025 18:22

I hate cruelty to animals of any kind. You don’t sound a particularly nice person (sorry) because if the poor cat is ill it’s not its fault and should be cared for. Yes I know some cats are nicer than others (I’ve had a lot of cats) but if you’re horrible to it, it’s hardly likely to be nice to you!
As for the husband issue, I was reading your post for ages wondering when you were going to get to the problem - finally you did and wish I hadn’t bothered reading ☹️

Gizlotsmum · 08/10/2025 17:00

Olderbutneverwiser · 08/10/2025 15:33

Its 20 minutes away. So got there at 520, I was in pool at 535. I stayed in until 620 (follow excercise prgrame from consultant fir my prolapse and other health issues due to pregnancy). I got ready and left at 645. Home at 705. Parked up got in house. Got dog ready and walked her for an hour from 715 until 815.

Ah right. Did he expect you to just do the gym and be back sooner?

Goldbar · 08/10/2025 16:17

You've had a very strange set of responses on this thread. Maternity leave is primarily for recovering from birth and bonding with your baby, it's not for stepping up on your housework performance. You should not be leaving your baby to cry to do housework, the responses which have suggested doing that are quite frankly very unpleasant. And yes, it would be lovely if your baby napped on schedule, but you are not incompetent because they don't. If getting a baby to sleep was so easy, there wouldn't be a whole industry marketing sleep advice and sleep aids to new parents.

As for all this "I had a hot dinner on the table every evening when my man came home from work" malarky, believe me, that is not a precedent you want to set, especially if you'll be going back to work yourself in a few months time. Once habits like that are established, they become expectations and it's quite hard to break free from them. Better to maintain an equal split of chores for these few months so that you have a pattern of equality established going forward.

ForNoisyCat · 08/10/2025 16:10

Olderbutneverwiser · 08/10/2025 15:33

Its 20 minutes away. So got there at 520, I was in pool at 535. I stayed in until 620 (follow excercise prgrame from consultant fir my prolapse and other health issues due to pregnancy). I got ready and left at 645. Home at 705. Parked up got in house. Got dog ready and walked her for an hour from 715 until 815.

Blimey, that’s exhausting! I wish you well.

ridl14 · 08/10/2025 15:47

TaraRhu · 07/10/2025 18:04

I'm sort of surprised by the attitude on here. You are both ' working ' from home. You are looking after the baby and he's doing work. The chores ;including the dishes- should be split. Having a baby 24/7 is exhausting. It's not swanning about. It's perfectly ok to come home from baby groups and just want to plonk on the couch. He can do his bit. He needs to grow up and walk the dog.

Honestly! OP idk why you've taken such a kicking. How old is LO? 1h a day is a lot I think tbf, I do one baby group atm and it's so I can also exercise, starting a second. Could you walk the dog with LO in the daytime and make dinner in the evening instead?

I've never used our bouncer TBF but baby is often okay on a playmat with some toys. My DH WFH, happily does basically all the cleaning and majority of dinner cooking - I was often making the bulk of dinner in the daytime but have dipped on this since LO's been on 3 meals a day, I'm making all his food myself and trying to build a freezer stash of quicker meals I can grab. I've also only left him with LO a few times in 8 months, he has the freedom to go to the gym, go out when he wants as well.

DH is happy though and we check in regularly with each other.

AbbeyGrange · 08/10/2025 15:44

orangesmarties9 · 08/10/2025 15:35

I’m sorry you’ve been given such a hard time on this thread OP @Olderbutneverwiser I hope you’re okay x

Me too, while the majority have given helpful advice it's blatantly obvious that some posters have really enjoyed sticking the boot in...onwards and upwards OP I hope things gets better from now on.

Original poster
Olderbutneverwiser · 08/10/2025 15:43

Yes, life goes on. Better place today. I dont mind people commenting honestly about their experiences its useful but its the "your taking the piss, your lazy, bone idle" coments that are nasty. Its like every woman thinks everyone's baby / journey is the same. Its actually bizzare. I'd be interested to know if any childless people have commented nasty stuff when they dont even bloody know.
I went to a group today, I got my steps in afterwards, bought partner a nice sandwich whilst out walking so he didn't have to make lunch, I've come home, baby napped, I've started prepping dinner. She's still napping so I'm going to put a wash on then sit with a coffee and relax for a minute. Maybe I'll go crazy and have a shower! 🤣🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
Olderbutneverwiser · 08/10/2025 15:37

He was fine with this, big smile when I got home as how it was etc. He was happy until he asked if I was still annoyed with him I said I was still hurt then he said "fine be like that, oh look at the time, cant even respect my working hours" along those lines

OP posts:
orangesmarties9 · 08/10/2025 15:35

I’m sorry you’ve been given such a hard time on this thread OP @Olderbutneverwiser I hope you’re okay x

Original poster
Olderbutneverwiser · 08/10/2025 15:33

Its 20 minutes away. So got there at 520, I was in pool at 535. I stayed in until 620 (follow excercise prgrame from consultant fir my prolapse and other health issues due to pregnancy). I got ready and left at 645. Home at 705. Parked up got in house. Got dog ready and walked her for an hour from 715 until 815.

OP posts:
Gizlotsmum · 08/10/2025 15:30

Olderbutneverwiser · 08/10/2025 15:18

Its obv some resentment is building. So his hobby stuff is something evenings where he paints figures and cant do anything else and he then goes out for 4 hours once per week alone to do hobby stuff. I joined a gym last week and he was only happy with Me joining if it didn't affect evenings or mornings. So Ive been once and I went at 5am (24 hour gym) so I could get back and walk dog and see to baby before she woke up. I was late back 15minutes and he moaned for not respecting his work time.

How long were you at the gym if you went at 5 and got back at 8:15 was he expecting you to only go for an hour or so?

Original poster
Olderbutneverwiser · 08/10/2025 15:27

I am interested seeing household chore split and I'd like it to be more equal at times. He does household chores when I look after our little girl sometimes in evening (not everyday!) I've told him I'd happily do household stuff and he looks after our little one. He said no, you've been looking after her all day, I dont expect you to do housework. He doesn't even do housework everyday either. So its mixed messages I dont appreciate. But seriously thanks for everyone who took time to comment. To the nasty people who have replied with nothing constructive but insults ... I find that really weird and yiu either get a kick from being nasty or youre not happy in your own life to put (try to) someone else down. Seriously have a look at yourself and be kind. Yes I wasn't kind to him yesterday but I didn't type everything he said to me, we were both unkind, immature etc. And I have apologised numerous times as I do feel shit saying what i did to him and quite right, it was a horrible thing to say. Thanks MN this thread has been helpful x

OP posts:
Original poster
Olderbutneverwiser · 08/10/2025 15:18

Its obv some resentment is building. So his hobby stuff is something evenings where he paints figures and cant do anything else and he then goes out for 4 hours once per week alone to do hobby stuff. I joined a gym last week and he was only happy with Me joining if it didn't affect evenings or mornings. So Ive been once and I went at 5am (24 hour gym) so I could get back and walk dog and see to baby before she woke up. I was late back 15minutes and he moaned for not respecting his work time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Olderbutneverwiser · 08/10/2025 15:14

Re the small yappy dogs being off lead. Once a big dog who wasn't on a lead charged at me and my dog and there was very nearly a fight and it was scary with my baby and I in the middle. So I said I didn't want to do it again. I know its easy to judge and think youre superior if it works for you but all situations are different and I've tried. So yes I get up early or walk dog in evening. Partner said he would do this on his lunch break months ago and it never happened. He jusy had an uninterrupted lunch break which is fine he is working but she needs walked I cant avoid that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Olderbutneverwiser · 08/10/2025 15:10

And for those who keep saying baby carrier, she cries! She doesn't like them. Ive went out many times with the carrier / sling and she just cries. And for the dog walking sometimes I wake up very early and walk her first thing then she gets a quick walk around block in evening. I dont do this every morning as I do night feeds and I'm shattered.

OP posts:
Original poster
Olderbutneverwiser · 08/10/2025 15:08

Hello, I do accept i could do more, I say that to my partner on some days, too. He says no need youre looking after daughter and then he exlodes saying I do nothing. Yesterday I didn't do very much as 5 mo is teething and cried alot so everytime she was put down she was crying and wouldn't settle. I would pop her in a cot but partner said his sister is giving us her kids old one and he will not arrange to collect as he keeps forgetting. I would message but I'm not super close to her and he said he wants to do it when I remind him he then feels I'm pushing him. My dog is fine when its just me. She is protective over pram and there are so many happy small dogs in our village that we cant avoid them and she barks back at them when they bark first. There are so many dogs off the lead who approach us and she reacts. That doesn't make her badly trained, that's badly trained other dogs and bad owners. He has said sorry and said he was stressed with work. We've agreed some tasks that will be mine to do. But I've told him to leave me to it. For example if there are dishes needing done or my babies bottles to be washed, I've went to kitchen to do them and they ate done. He's the type of guy that if something needs done he will do it there and then. He's agreed to leave them be and let me get to them in an hrs time, as I will do and have done.

He still refuses to take more money from me and has agreed to stop making remarks about paying majority of bills. He said they are jokes. Ive told him they aren't funny esp when he refuses my money.

Tonight he is going out for 4 hrs to do hobby stuff. I will make a curry for us before he finishes work, as I do every Wednesday before he goes out. When I go out I take baby with me to give him downtime. We've agreed that once per week I'll go out without baby as he does with his hobby. He said he will walk the dog if I can't do it but he isn't a dog person. Ive said that's fine but I help with his cats ... who incase its missed again, takes time up with medication and supervising them eating. I do feel bad about age comment. I felt awful the second I said it. I only said it as I felt hurt that he said he carries the family and I do F all.
We are in a better place now. He's agreed to tell me whej he will finish work as at thr moment he "doesn't know" as he likes to work later. Ive told him that doesn't work as he needs to communicate this so things can be planned out. Yes my dog needs walked, I used to go alot with them both but I felt stressed afterwards due to happy dogs and my dog sometimes pulling. She's fine on her own. Hence why I suggest he takes her out and to get out the house. He spent 4 hours last night painting his figures for tonight during which time I spent with our baby and tidying our bedroom. So yes I should do more but whej I have the chanfe I do. My prolapse is uncomfortable at times, I feel knackered as I do all night feeds as DH works and yes I go to baby groups. I moved in with him so I was completely new to area with no friebds. Baby groups helped me tremendously with meeting other mums and getting out of house as I hate staying in. I also only wanted to go to one but he encouraged me to go to every one going and to seize the day.
My little one will go to nursery, that isn't ti spite anyone, I never planned not to go bacj to work and yesterday I think gave me a kick up backside to actually get that ball rolling. It was considering going back ft to equal things out. Maybe I will go back ft, maybe I wont, finance will be the main factor.
Thanks for everyone who shared their experiences. Thank you for everyone's honesty. Everyone's motherhood experince is unique and I think its harsh to brand me as "lazy" when I ain't exactly doing nothing at home. I'd love to sit with a coffee and mindlessly scroll social media. I think people haven't read all my replies and have been rather lazy to tell me do things I already do. To be clear, I do put washes on, I hang washing out, I put dishwasher on, empty dishwasher, general tidying rooms etc. I didn't do anything on Monday as baby was teething and not happy lying down, dog had been sick a few times so sorting out her and yeah any free time I had breakfast or had a shower (a quick one). He simply exploded as he was hangry (his words) and stressed at work and instead of talking calmy to me he was an arse. So yes, I feel awful for what I said to him but I felt very under appreciated in that moment and it was very raw.
Thanks all. X

OP posts:
SJM1988 · 08/10/2025 13:53

Sit down with your DH and get a rota sorted so you are both on the same page.
Who is responsible for what on what days.
Who cooks dinner what nights and what times.
Being on the same page will remove the whole not knowing where you are with each other.
On maternity leave I did the bulk of the house admin (cleaning, cooking etc) and looking after the baby during the week. It just worked for us.

I recently had a similar argument with DH. Although I am back at work and my kids are 8 years and 4 years nearly. He was adamant he did the majority of work around the house. I wrote a list for 3 days of every little thing I did to keep the house running etc. Cleaning tasks, cooking, shopping, tidying. He did the same.
Safe to say he agrees I do alot more of the unseen home life admin things that just because I didnt empty the dishwasher today doesnt mean I havent done 100 other things

AbbeyGrange · 08/10/2025 13:46

I hope you're ok OP xx

Worriedalltheday · 08/10/2025 12:05

And no 5m old needs 4 playgroups a week. A walk around is more than enough. Yes it’s your ML but it sounds like you’re lazy and just not pulling your weight

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