Housework while on maternity leave

My partner was a soldier serving in the middle east. So bit presumptuous of you saying he was a lazy sod. He had many faults but that wasn't one of them.

I suppose your partner has a soft little office job in comparison if we are going to make assumptions lol

Shut the cat who needs medicine in a room with his food till they’ve eaten it so the other one can’t get it.

I had a Velcro baby with silent reflux who wanted to be held all the time, it is hard. I was back at work as a nanny with her in tow by 5 months. I used a sling, or put her in a bouncy/high chair near me while I was doing stuff. Talked and sang to her lots, she loved playing with wooden spoons and things more than baby toys.

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3 of them. And having returned to work full time before any of them reached 5 months old. Also never had a partner living with e either doing any of the house stuff.

I was always really shit at keeping a tidy house with babies and young kids. It’s easier when kids are older.

Me and DH would argue about it sometimes but I told him if he wanted someone domesticated he’s married the wrong woman!

Saying that, running a house with kids is a proper job share and you need to list absolutely everything involved and share it out properly. List all the mental load stuff including booking appointments, taking your baby to classes etc.

I think you need to sit down and come up with an agreement for who does what and when. I think the “do one thing a day” isn’t going to get you very far. Something like unloading the dishwasher takes 10 minutes, you can’t expect to only spend 10 minutes a day on chores. But there’s no reason to expect him to not take a share if he WFH so doesn’t have time spent on a commute.

But YABU because calling him a washed up 50 year old and calling the cat an asshole? Not cool. As much as it’s common to have disagreements over housework especially when one is on mat leave, it’s not common to resort to name calling like that.

It sounds like you are out a lot. I would look at cutting down on that. Visiting your parents every week is ridiculous when they live an hour away. Presumably that takes at least half a day, if not a whole day. I would visit once a month.

I think you are coping very well in the face of exhaustion and criticism. Looking after baby and you is full time. Its wonderful that you get an hour per day to walk the dog. Although you are still looking after another in that time. Dont give it up.

I have a stressful, demanding, professional job and can vouch that working is easier then raising a baby. There is no comparison. He has the better end of the stick here.

As a resolution, draw up a rota. Meal plan. Try to rota time together.

Also, can you leave baby with him for two days for him to get a flavour of what its like. Then he will realise how tricky it is to do house stuff and cooking on top. He ought to appreciate you, not criticised you. Enough of the digs!

I see no issue with how your days pan out. You, and baby, need to see people and attend these groups. How can he wfh with the noise of a baby - he needs you to go out too.

It can be hard to tell but it reads as though your OH is making a lot of the decisions.... or at least is trying to. You ought to be heard and have influence too. You are of equal value.

If I were you id be passing baby to him at 5pm so I could crack on with house stuff and a meal. Quick meal together then you out for the walk and he does bath and bedtime routine. He can have time for chores/exercise once baby in bed or before he starts work.

I hope you both manage to work it out.

Just to add: regarding baby groups and meeting mum friends. These are essential for you to stay sane! They are nice, yes, but taking a challenging baby out and about can be quite an undertaking and isn't the same and socialising by yourself! And since when did enjoying aspects of your job become unacceptable!

Hi OP, seems like it's an unpopular opinion but I think your partner is being unreasonable and a bit mean with his changing narrative. He works all day and is paid for it. You also work all day providing childcare for your joint child (and I assume you are paid via some form of maternity pay.) Naturally if you have time during your day looking after baby it is reasonable that you do some housework but if your baby is very challenging/ unwell etc then most people would understand if you were not able to do much else during the day!
Outside of normal working hours you are EQUALLY responsible for a) childcare and b) housework. It is therefore totally reasonable that he does some stuff around the house outside of his working hours, the same as he would have done pre baby! If your partner would prefer that you cook dinners, then he should accept that he needs to care for the baby during that time. That is something you need to discuss.
Re free time- I think the set up sounds really unfair. Why is he able to spend time alone doing his hobbies but you are not? This needs to be fair and equitable. He wants a break from his job and he deserves that, but so do you!!
I had very different experiences on MAT leave. My first baby was extremely challenging: colicky, reflux, terrible sleeper. This meant I barley survived the day doing the child care let alone doing housework. We got a cleaner and picked up other bits 50/50 where we could. My second was much easier: had long cot naps and loved the sling so I was able to do loads around the house (but didn't stint myself breaks with a coffee etc.) With both my children DH and I agreed on a fair arrangement re us both continuing hobbies/ self care/ exercise etc. We tried to make this as equal as possible. My DH also helped with night wakings on weekend nights and on his work days he would take baby for an hour before work so I could have an extra hour of sleep before my day.
It's a really hard time and you are both tired and stressed and feel like you are the one doing more, but you need to try and remember that you are a team. I would be tempted to plan a day away from DH and the baby so he can experience what a normal day on Mat leave is like for you?

I do get where you're coming from, OP, in that the whole "having a baby" thing is incredibly unfair. There's no amount of dishes and dinners that my DH can do to make up for the trauma my body has been through, for breastfeeding, for being the default parent, doing the majority of night wakes, and I end up doing a lot more than him and no one appreciates it. HE gets appreciation because no one expects anything of men.

I was and and get ocasionally angry too. Having a baby is just unfair. You will be doing a lot more than him, your body won't recover for a long time, your career is the one that takes a hit, you're re the one looking at going part time etc.

But your DH does do a lot. You get an hour to yourself DAILY. You get to socialise. It's actually more than what a lot of women get and you need to work on communication and appreciation.

And the good news is that as you get into toddlerhood, it gets better. My DS is 1 and my DH doesn't get to just hand the baby over to me, or leave all the feeding to me, I can leave for the day (even though I'm still breastfeeding) etc. It gets better. Not fair, still. But I don't know if it ever does go 50/50 once children are in the mix.

Don't do stuff for him that he won't do for you though. If he won't walk the dog, then you do fuck all for the cats. If he won't do your laundry, you don't do his either. Take some control of the situation.

You sound very angry. Why?
Your DH pulls his weight?
You get time to socialise during the week.
You get an hour a day to walk your dog.
I genuinely don’t see what your issue is?

I don't know how you would manage if you had a toddler or other child/children to look after. A 5 month old should not be screaming all day long, you need to have a word with a health professional to find out what wrong with your DC.

But would you still think its ok to do nothing if you did have another kid or no partner ? Surely if its not " maid" leave it would apply on each maternity leave? Or is it just firstbtime parents who are entitled to do sweet sod all in comparison to others?

I wasn't a single parent though and don't have a second child, why should I act like it?

Although like I said, I did actually achieve a lot on some days, nothing on others. But that was baby/energy allowing, I never viewed housework as my responsibility just because I was on mat leave. I think that's very wrong. I had a baby to care for, who didn't sleep through the night and still only contact napped, a traumatic pregnancy that I hadn't recovered from (and still haven't, a year on). That's where DH comes in. To take care of us. To do his bit. To support, to make dinner, to give a hug when I've had a rough day etc etc etc. And definitely not to throw housework in my face.

Although I think OP's DH isn't that bad. The division of labour once you have a baby is a shock and they need to work through it.

"Fault" is maybe the wrong word. Maybe "your own doing"? A WHOLE HOUR to yourself for a walk EVERY EVENING is actually a lot of time for yourself, when you have a 5 month old. You've chosen to have a dog so you have to spend it on him instead of yourself. You need to come to terms with that choice.