Housework while on maternity leave

On mat leave I did all cleaning and laundry and most of the shopping. DH cooked and pulled his weight with DC when home. I walked baby in the pram every afternoon, for almost two hours - I didn’t do groups as i was going back to work at 8 months and I got my break by getting out if the house for a good walk every day. But both of mine were ok to lie down in the Moses basket, or pram, aside from colicky evenings in the first 3 months so I can see how a baby who demands to be held constantly is harder work. Personally I would try to get baby used to being put down in the cot as I don’t think my baby could have stood the constant carrying, but that seems to be an old fashioned view now.

I think there needs to be some compromise here, and a rowing back from unpleasant comments on both sides.

It sounds like you both need to talk seriously about things like when dinner is, whose job it is to do what, broadly speaking (it's absolutely part of the household tasks) and both give each other a bit more credit. He was a dick to you during an argument and it sounds like you were quite rude back - by the sounds of it, not outside the bounds of normality when a couple are adjusting to having a baby. Take the chance to think about this stuff now as it'll get much harder when you're back at work. You both need to adjust expectations of one another. It sounds like you do more of the small stuff which to him seems less significant, but keeps things running - whereas he does the big stuff like one big kitchen clean every few months. You did choose to have a dog who needs an hour's walk, so I see his point there.

Some of the practical stuff is just about building habits (make a weekly menu and cook for it). You may also want to prioritise your time, eg buying tinned soup and spending your time on batching dinners. Perhaps traybakes (The Roasting Tin type cook books) are good as well - just assemble at whatever point you get a minute's peace, keep in fridge until time to cook. Ultimately remember the point is to get through it together not to each win points. Good luck!

When on maternity leave the basics of “housework” like dishes, laundry, sorting dinner etc I did, I was the one free to do them and honestly it takes a few minutes of the day.

I wasn’t doing any big deep cleaning every day- we’d do that together at the weekend, but the basics were done by me daily, it doesn’t take long.

OP you're changing your tune now you're getting some pushback. It sounds like you were really unpleasant to your partner who does sound generally helpful and supportive. Calling nurseries out of spite is pathetic.

You need to get used to putting your baby down. It's better for both of you. You realistically cannot carry her all the time (and tbh I doubt you do).

You seem to want praise for cooking something in the slow cooker once a week and occasionally putting on some laundry. That would wear on me too. During both my mat leaves I did all the housework and cooking, even with a partner who worked from home some days.

I don't think it sounds like you do very much and you seem to go to a lot of baby groups and go out a lot. Which would be fine if you were also pulling your weight. I'm not sure you are.

I'm not sure loading and unloading the dishwasher and washing machine, putting away baby clothes and preparing meals is actually housework. It's basic life maintenance and if you are at home, you crack on with it.

I call housework, wiping paintwork, vacuuming, dusting, polishing mirrors, mopping floors, cleaning kitchens and bathrooms.

It does sound as if you both need to mature a little and stop calling tit for tat.

You sound exhausting.

To be honest I’d be annoyed if my DH took a dog for a walk for an hour every day after work. It’s eating in to your evening and means as soon as he gets in you go out for a whole hour and dinner doesn’t get done. Can’t you take your dog for a long walk in the day whilst baby is in a sling? You’d then have more time together after he gets back from work.

You’re BOTH at home all day? You should keep on top of things. Filling or emptying the dishwasher takes no time. I used to walk the dog with the baby in a sling or a buggy.

You don’t sound like much of a team.

My husband wfh but is away this week. Wow, is it making me appreciate how much house stuff he does during his work day (which is always filled with meetings).

When I was at home with babies, he worked long days in London. He’d come home after a long commute and whisk away children for baths and stories, and more often than not, cook our dinner afterwards. But as the one at home (and I did every baby group going as I found SAHM life dull), I made sure the fridge was full, the dog was walked, the house was clean and the laundry done. You find ways.

OP @Olderbutneverwiser all babies teeth and dont nap regularly. You were very rude to your partner, especially referencing his age.

You both sound like you think the other one isn’t pulling their weight. Why does baby go into bathroom when you shower? If dad is home could he spend that time with baby? Could you all go for the occasional dog walk? You need to have a clam chat over what you each do and how to make it feel fair for both of you?

You’re really not helping yourself by being a martyr and holding the baby all the time. She won’t come to any harm left safely while you have a wee!

You seem to want a medal too!

Maybe a sling? Sorry, just seen previous comment.

How old is your baby?

i do think you are taking the piss a bit tbh. I think you both need to talk seriously about fair division of tasks, etc, before resentment gets worse on both sides.

How about a baby carrier? Baby more upright so might be happier?

OP says he WFH.

How old is baby op? Could you stick slow cooker on before your baby groups, or on a day you're not at them? I used to batch cook, (lots of frozen/fresh pre prepped veg -soffrito etc), so not much chopping required, and when you're cooking anyway making larger batch makes sense, and some micro meals when needs must! I actually used to like to make some dinners when dh got in from work as well to get a break from baby, (music and chilling in the kitchen while it cooked!) My first baby had silent reflux, and was a high needs baby all around tbh, wouldn't settle in baby groups, screamed everywhere (didn't know at the time dc was AuADHD), so it was just hellish. Also didn't have any support from outside family, nobody babysat and rarely visited.

I think your husband sounds really good actually, and is doing a lot. It sounds like he is doing more house work/food than you if anything? Apologies if I'm wrong, it is the way your OP came across to me.

Adjusting to a new baby is tough, and it puts far more pressure on even a good marriage than any other stage. Totally normal for the person working to feel the one at home with the baby has it easiest, while the person at home with the baby thinks the person who gets to swan off to work has it easiest. I’d try to forget about the row and words said in anger, and wait until you are both calm and open a discussion about whether you do need more planning and structure about who does what.

You do seem to have a lot of down time to be fair.

Could you cut down on the 3 baby groups and ask your parents to visit you? This way they could mind the baby while you get stuff done.

No harm in wanting to socialise with other parents but could you minimise it a bit?

Sounds like you are the one name calling, that was pretty unpleasant to take the piss out of his age. You’re the one who just pumped out a baby with him.

It sounds like the split of the housework has been unfair for some time and for him he feels bit like it's getting to the point where the last straw is breaking the camel's back. The dinner thing is just silly because presumably when you do shopping you have an idea of what you are going to eat in the week ahead, so decide when you do your shopping list who is going to cook each night and then the other does the clearing away and loading of the dishwasher. It sounds like he has been more than pulling his weight but it is starting to grate on him now. Get some a proper rota sorted, make things fairer, and look after your own pets.