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Original poster

Housework while on maternity leave

438 replies

Olderbutneverwiser · 07/10/2025 17:19

Hello

I am struggling with the housework split whilst on maternity leave. Don't get me wrong my partner is great and does his fair share. He has always asked one thing of me, do one thing each day and he will do the bigger stuff. Some days I dont do anything but other days I'll do lots: ie fill dishwasher, empty dishwasher, put washing on, hang up/out clothes, put baby clothes away, tidy nursery, make dinners etc.). He even comments that "mummy has done lots today" and when I say to him "I feel bad i haven't done much today" he will say "yes you have, you're looking after our daughter". Although he is now saying he has only said this once (he says it most weeks).

I also go to 3 baby groups during the week, I meet with other mums and socialise (usually once/twice per week) and I visit my parents (1 hr away) - all with baby.

For dinners, we take turns who makes it. I sometimes make dinner in advance in slow cooker - curry, bolognaise, etc. Sometimes once per week. After he finishes work, I tend to work my dog for an hr, get home and then we decide who will cook dinner.

Badically what I'm getting at is, dinner is never planned out. Although partner works from home, he can be finished his work anywhere between 530-7.

Saturday after baby swim lesson, partner took himself away for 1.5 hours, didn't say anything and cleaned the whole kitchen while I looked after our baby. Yesterday when he finished work I heard him cooking dinner. He gave me dinner and whilst we were eating i noticied a spider on my little girl and i jumped (i have a fear). He got up annoyed and flicked it off telling me I could have done that. I said I would have I didn't ask him to do anything. He then starts saying I do nothing all day, I do no housework and when I do it's a rarity. He also kept saying "if I didn't make dinner who knows when we would have eaten" ive told him we need to agree a time for dinner and it isn't my.job which he agreed. I was confused as dinner is never planned out, he was acting like he always makes dinner which he doesn't. He then said all I do is swon around on maternity leave meeting friends for cake and coffee and hes the one working and "carrying us all".

It did piss me off. When I pointed out that I do make more dinners than him and then he said that dinners arent housework and so its invalid when I'm trying to make my point. I said to him entertaining a baby who doesn't like lying down, who is trying to grab everything and who is teething is hard work. I also said im tired after he finishes work as i then walk my dog fir an hr and he could do it sometmes. He said it was my choice to own a dog and he doesnt trust other dogs and so he doesnt want to walk her as he will find it stressful. He also said its my choice to own a dog (he has two cats i have a dog, these are pets from before we met). I may have called his cat an arsehole after that as he is on medication and I do my fair share, on my partners instruction of making sure he eats his medication and not letting the other cat eat it. This arsehole cat doesn't want to eat sometimes and so we follow him around for ages to eat and then we need to supervise both cats so the other doesn't eat it. Do I want to do that? No. I dont like cats but I dont bloody refuse.

Out of spite I've now contacted nurseries for a full time place as I dont want to accused of doing nothing if i were to reduce my hours as we had thought about reducing my hoursto keep nursery costs down but why should I to he moaned at. I have felt sad today as I feel I'm spiting my little girl by doing that when all I want to do is spend time with her. Im so angry. I called him a washed up 50 year old (there's an age gap!) And feel awful but he turned so nasty. Apparently I do nothing and the spider was the straw that broke the camels back. He's apologised but only for reacting.

Im glad I typed that all out. Feeling sad and a bit teary. Happy to be told if I'm being unreasonable as I can get emotional and very defensive when I'm criticised and this can cloud my judgement.

Who's in the wrong
Also, what did housework/pets look like for you on maternity leave?

I dont take back the cat arsehole comment, the cat is an asshole.

OP posts:
Kosenrufugirl · 07/10/2025 18:10

QuickPeachPoet · 07/10/2025 18:07

You both sound really immature and petty, having this ridiculous point scoring row about who is doing what.
As for taking the baby to the loo and shower, that is totally on you. It's ridiculous. Put her somewhere safe and crack on.

If you need your partner to stay in your child's life for much longer, suggest you heed this advice.

We all have options in life.

QuickPeachPoet · 07/10/2025 18:07

You both sound really immature and petty, having this ridiculous point scoring row about who is doing what.
As for taking the baby to the loo and shower, that is totally on you. It's ridiculous. Put her somewhere safe and crack on.

BlueMum16 · 07/10/2025 18:05

Olderbutneverwiser · 07/10/2025 17:48

He does same amount of housework as me. He didn't make any dinners last week, didn't out any washes on and then he does it all one day and then tells me i do nothing. I only wanted to go one baby group, he told me to get out more and go to groups, he gathered all the info. I go to my parents house to give him downtime.

He's done it all in one day as no one had done it all week.

You need to be picking up through the day. You can't be making that much mess. Run the hoover round and wipe down the kitchen.

He's working until 7pm and you are off work.

You need to make him have the baby while you shower and go the bathroom, especially evenings and weekends. Why would you take the DC with you when he's there?

Sound like communication issues rather than either of you not pulling your weight.

TaraRhu · 07/10/2025 18:04

I'm sort of surprised by the attitude on here. You are both ' working ' from home. You are looking after the baby and he's doing work. The chores ;including the dishes- should be split. Having a baby 24/7 is exhausting. It's not swanning about. It's perfectly ok to come home from baby groups and just want to plonk on the couch. He can do his bit. He needs to grow up and walk the dog.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 07/10/2025 18:03

You are lazy, and you are both immature and were nasty to each other. Now you plan to spite your daughter to make a point, great job. You two have had a child now and need to learn how to communicate, and honestly you need to do more, you are in a partnership here.

PeonyPatch · 07/10/2025 18:01

How old are you OP?

Harrysmummy246 · 07/10/2025 18:01

I don't think housework is really the problem here. Do you actually even like each other?

BernardButlersBra · 07/10/2025 18:00

@Olderbutneverwiser out of curiosity how many days has he been at home with the baby on his own? We had twins, after a months paternity leave then my husband went back to work and then starts asking why l aren't doing more round the house 🤣🤣🤣. Errr because we have baby twins, lm breastfeeding, recovering from a c section and have a lot of fluid retention (early phase of pre eclampsia) so can't walk or do stairs easily. Not sure how l didn't lose my temper. Few months later l had a Keeping In Touch day at work and he had them both on his own, he never mentioned it again!

To be honest l think it's a good idea to get back to work. Too often Dad's fall into a pattern of mum's doing all the baby stuff. I would also stop holding them so much and get him to care for baby while you shower

Kosenrufugirl · 07/10/2025 17:57

ThrivingIn2025ing · 07/10/2025 17:57

@Kosenrufugirl where did you see OP’s partner isnt the bio dad?

Because OP keeps referring to as "my daughter"

ThrivingIn2025ing · 07/10/2025 17:57

@Kosenrufugirl where did you see OP’s partner isnt the bio dad?

FrogsWormsandButterflies · 07/10/2025 17:56

She isn’t only your daughter, she’s both of yours yet you keep referring to her as yours.
Walk the dog in the daytime? You have the whole day.

I’m not trying to make this into a competition. But to compare. I am a single mum of 3 (one at uni and 2 younger) I’m 7 months pregnant. I had no say in becoming single but here I am.
Everyday I will get 2 children to school, walk the dog, clean the house, sort washing, dishwasher etc. I will continue to do this when I go back to work after maternity leave. My ex would cook and clean after work but I would never leave him with the kids to walk the dog when I could easily do that when he was working.
Even when we were together I would do all that stuff because he was working 12 hours a day and I was at home. I also went to baby groups, the park etc.

Kosenrufugirl · 07/10/2025 17:55

Olderbutneverwiser · 07/10/2025 17:51

I'd understand if he done all the housework but most weeks we do the same amount, except he deals with the bins. Thats what annoys me. He acts like he does everythng. He basically wants a clean house after his work but I'm not a maid, I do what I can. Here he is now asking what he can do to help. He's taking my daughter I'm going yo walk my dog. It would be nice if he offered to do that. Like I help with his medication. I was told he doesn't want a dog and I bought it with someone else earlier. So he isn't a saint after all.

He is not the father of your daughter, is it correct?

It is a big ask for a man to be a partner when there is a baby involved. Men like the world revolve around them. Having a biological child together means they are less selfish. Whether you find it fair or not, it's beyond the point. This is how the world is made.

You urgently need to find opportunities to connect with him. Or lose him. I don't see any other option. It seems to me from your posts, he is tiring of it all.

Skybluepinky · 07/10/2025 17:55

Sounds like you aren’t coping, life with a baby is a juggling act but definitely doable and no excuse for not doing housework. Put the baby down and get on with it, if you feel you aren’t doing it because you are depressed go and get help.

Nothankyov · 07/10/2025 17:55

Ok there is a lot of information here. But I think the main thing is you need to really need to have a conversation about division of labour. Having said that - no offence - but it doesn’t sound like you do very much. I know I know baby is clingy and teething but frankly that’s the reality of most women. You have to learn to get on with it and manage. Most women have more than one child at home, and partners who don’t work from home. Yes he should contribute and take baby off you so you can have a time out 100 percent, but you need to do more than just look after your baby all day. I can see why he would be annoyed.

BeaRightThere · 07/10/2025 17:54

Olderbutneverwiser · 07/10/2025 17:51

I'd understand if he done all the housework but most weeks we do the same amount, except he deals with the bins. Thats what annoys me. He acts like he does everythng. He basically wants a clean house after his work but I'm not a maid, I do what I can. Here he is now asking what he can do to help. He's taking my daughter I'm going yo walk my dog. It would be nice if he offered to do that. Like I help with his medication. I was told he doesn't want a dog and I bought it with someone else earlier. So he isn't a saint after all.

Now you're just throwing out accusations to try to make him sound bad. He's working all day. You're at home. You should be doing the bulk of the housework. You're lazy

Jellybunny56 · 07/10/2025 17:54

Olderbutneverwiser · 07/10/2025 17:51

I'd understand if he done all the housework but most weeks we do the same amount, except he deals with the bins. Thats what annoys me. He acts like he does everythng. He basically wants a clean house after his work but I'm not a maid, I do what I can. Here he is now asking what he can do to help. He's taking my daughter I'm going yo walk my dog. It would be nice if he offered to do that. Like I help with his medication. I was told he doesn't want a dog and I bought it with someone else earlier. So he isn't a saint after all.

Yes, but he’s also the one working full time and presumably funding the household? In which case he really should be able to rely on you picking up the majority of the “other stuff” like the household cleaning, cooking etc!

sciaticafanatica · 07/10/2025 17:53

Honestly you sound lazy

Freeatlast001 · 07/10/2025 17:53

You are in the wrong. Lazy.

LIZS · 07/10/2025 17:52

How old is the baby? You really don’t need to take her to the toilet with you if she is in a safe place like cot or moses basket and within earshot. Surely loading/unloading dishwasher or sorting washing is just something you do as and when, such as while the kettle is boiling to make tea or a feed. Who is hoovering, cleaning the bathroom, wiping the kitchen, cleaning the oven etc. It seems as if you are micromanaging who is doing what and keeping a tally, creating unnecessary frustration and tension.

Gruffporcupine · 07/10/2025 17:51

This bit is very hard. But honestly it sounds like DH is doing his best. You need to have more compassion for each other. Being captious is not going to be good for your home environment

Original poster
Olderbutneverwiser · 07/10/2025 17:51

I'd understand if he done all the housework but most weeks we do the same amount, except he deals with the bins. Thats what annoys me. He acts like he does everythng. He basically wants a clean house after his work but I'm not a maid, I do what I can. Here he is now asking what he can do to help. He's taking my daughter I'm going yo walk my dog. It would be nice if he offered to do that. Like I help with his medication. I was told he doesn't want a dog and I bought it with someone else earlier. So he isn't a saint after all.

OP posts:
Kosenrufugirl · 07/10/2025 17:50

Olderbutneverwiser · 07/10/2025 17:48

He does same amount of housework as me. He didn't make any dinners last week, didn't out any washes on and then he does it all one day and then tells me i do nothing. I only wanted to go one baby group, he told me to get out more and go to groups, he gathered all the info. I go to my parents house to give him downtime.

This is not about who does what. When emotional connection breaks down, nit picking creeps in.

Kosenrufugirl · 07/10/2025 17:49

You need to find time to be a couple, I would say. At the moment you sound like housemates jointly taking care of the baby. This is such a common trap. Resentments often build up to the point of breaking up.

Find a local teenager to baby sit and start having little time as a couple. Many teenagers have experience with young siblings. You don't need to spend a fortune. You can actually have "a night in". However it needs to be the just the two of you

Hayley1256 · 07/10/2025 17:49

Olderbutneverwiser · 07/10/2025 17:31

For example last week - took my little girl for her immunisations, she was grumpy the whole day and cried on and off. In-between cries I made a pot of soup (that he enjoyed all week!), i made banana bread (that he enjoyed with coffee throughout the week) and I made a curry. I then took my dog out for an hour walk. Tuesday, I went to my friends for an early dinner with my baby, Wednesday I went to a baby group and done alot of washing when I got home, Thursday I done nothing as I felt unwell. Friday I done general tidying for an hour or so. He doesnt even do alot of housework. He cleaned the whole kitchen, great, but that's the 1st time hes done that in months, I've been cleaning it. Its like he wanted a big medal for tidying up!

  • took baby for jabs
  • made pot of soup
  • made banana bread
  • made curry
  • walked dog for an hour
  • went to friends for dinner with baby
  • went to baby group
  • did a lot of washing
  • 1 hour if general tidying

Tbh OP and I mean this kindly, if that's all you did in a whole week I think he may have a point. Are you feeling down or anything as one of these things should use a lot of energy unless something is going on.

For context most of the above could be done in a day

Original poster
Olderbutneverwiser · 07/10/2025 17:48

He does same amount of housework as me. He didn't make any dinners last week, didn't out any washes on and then he does it all one day and then tells me i do nothing. I only wanted to go one baby group, he told me to get out more and go to groups, he gathered all the info. I go to my parents house to give him downtime.

OP posts: