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Original poster

Housework while on maternity leave

438 replies

Olderbutneverwiser · 07/10/2025 17:19

Hello

I am struggling with the housework split whilst on maternity leave. Don't get me wrong my partner is great and does his fair share. He has always asked one thing of me, do one thing each day and he will do the bigger stuff. Some days I dont do anything but other days I'll do lots: ie fill dishwasher, empty dishwasher, put washing on, hang up/out clothes, put baby clothes away, tidy nursery, make dinners etc.). He even comments that "mummy has done lots today" and when I say to him "I feel bad i haven't done much today" he will say "yes you have, you're looking after our daughter". Although he is now saying he has only said this once (he says it most weeks).

I also go to 3 baby groups during the week, I meet with other mums and socialise (usually once/twice per week) and I visit my parents (1 hr away) - all with baby.

For dinners, we take turns who makes it. I sometimes make dinner in advance in slow cooker - curry, bolognaise, etc. Sometimes once per week. After he finishes work, I tend to work my dog for an hr, get home and then we decide who will cook dinner.

Badically what I'm getting at is, dinner is never planned out. Although partner works from home, he can be finished his work anywhere between 530-7.

Saturday after baby swim lesson, partner took himself away for 1.5 hours, didn't say anything and cleaned the whole kitchen while I looked after our baby. Yesterday when he finished work I heard him cooking dinner. He gave me dinner and whilst we were eating i noticied a spider on my little girl and i jumped (i have a fear). He got up annoyed and flicked it off telling me I could have done that. I said I would have I didn't ask him to do anything. He then starts saying I do nothing all day, I do no housework and when I do it's a rarity. He also kept saying "if I didn't make dinner who knows when we would have eaten" ive told him we need to agree a time for dinner and it isn't my.job which he agreed. I was confused as dinner is never planned out, he was acting like he always makes dinner which he doesn't. He then said all I do is swon around on maternity leave meeting friends for cake and coffee and hes the one working and "carrying us all".

It did piss me off. When I pointed out that I do make more dinners than him and then he said that dinners arent housework and so its invalid when I'm trying to make my point. I said to him entertaining a baby who doesn't like lying down, who is trying to grab everything and who is teething is hard work. I also said im tired after he finishes work as i then walk my dog fir an hr and he could do it sometmes. He said it was my choice to own a dog and he doesnt trust other dogs and so he doesnt want to walk her as he will find it stressful. He also said its my choice to own a dog (he has two cats i have a dog, these are pets from before we met). I may have called his cat an arsehole after that as he is on medication and I do my fair share, on my partners instruction of making sure he eats his medication and not letting the other cat eat it. This arsehole cat doesn't want to eat sometimes and so we follow him around for ages to eat and then we need to supervise both cats so the other doesn't eat it. Do I want to do that? No. I dont like cats but I dont bloody refuse.

Out of spite I've now contacted nurseries for a full time place as I dont want to accused of doing nothing if i were to reduce my hours as we had thought about reducing my hoursto keep nursery costs down but why should I to he moaned at. I have felt sad today as I feel I'm spiting my little girl by doing that when all I want to do is spend time with her. Im so angry. I called him a washed up 50 year old (there's an age gap!) And feel awful but he turned so nasty. Apparently I do nothing and the spider was the straw that broke the camels back. He's apologised but only for reacting.

Im glad I typed that all out. Feeling sad and a bit teary. Happy to be told if I'm being unreasonable as I can get emotional and very defensive when I'm criticised and this can cloud my judgement.

Who's in the wrong
Also, what did housework/pets look like for you on maternity leave?

I dont take back the cat arsehole comment, the cat is an asshole.

OP posts:
UnhappyHobbit · 07/10/2025 18:22

Olderbutneverwiser · 07/10/2025 17:24

And yea it might sound very immature but baby isn't happy at moment with teething and doesn't nap. Constantly wants held and then I have this man tell me I do nothing.

You also have a man willing to clean the kitchen and do most of the housework. That’s honestly a dream for some of us women!

Kosenrufugirl · 07/10/2025 18:21

OP, just be mindful, there is a lot of advice going on Mumsnet just to get rid of the useless idiot.

As if life will be a bed of roses after that.

Wingingit73 · 07/10/2025 18:19

Go back to work and make sure you are financially secure.. He's checked out.

Goldbar · 07/10/2025 18:19

Olderbutneverwiser · 07/10/2025 17:27

Today I emptied and cleaned fridge for new Tesco delivery that came. All the while baby was screaming in background. I feel so stressed out. She has napped for ten mins earlier and I treated myself to a coffee. He came in whilst I was havibf my coffee and its got my paranoid that he'll think I'm doing nothing again.

He's not your line manager. You don't report to him.

thisishowloween · 07/10/2025 18:19

I think I'd be pretty pissed off if my DH had the time and energy to go to multiple baby groups but couldn't be arsed to load the dishwasher or walk the dog.

TheFairyCaravan · 07/10/2025 18:19

Olderbutneverwiser · 07/10/2025 18:13

I would put her down but she sometimes brings up milk and sounds like she's choking. I need to watch her like a hawk when she's in her moses basket as the linen is lose and she grabs it and pull it and sometimes it covers her face.

Put her in something else then! All you seem to be doing is putting obstacles in the way of why you can’t do something instead of why you can.

Why can’t you put the baby in the pram and take the dog for a walk? She might have a good nap out in the fresh air.

Doing the laundry and loading/emptying the dishwasher is hardly taxing, nor is making a pot of soup or some banana bread tbf. However reading between the lines it appears neither of you are communicating with each other so a lot of resentment is building up.

Kosenrufugirl · 07/10/2025 18:19

Olderbutneverwiser · 07/10/2025 18:13

I would put her down but she sometimes brings up milk and sounds like she's choking. I need to watch her like a hawk when she's in her moses basket as the linen is lose and she grabs it and pull it and sometimes it covers her face.

You need to get a baby bouncer. There were my sanity savers when mine were young

PumpkinSparkleFairy · 07/10/2025 18:18

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 07/10/2025 18:16

How old is the baby?

I didn't do huge amounts of housework for much of my maternity leave - first I was ill (I had pre-eclampsia that was not resolved my giving birth and the medication made me feel awful), then DS fed constantly, hourly through the day, sometimes I only had 20 minutes from the end of one feed to the start of the next, then when that stopped, he started waking constantly in the night.

DH never once criticised me for it. Not saying we never squabbled when we were tired and stressed, but no accusations of either of us not pulling our weight.

I had a similar experience with my DP - but mainly commenting as I love your username! Fond memories of those books.

Original poster
Olderbutneverwiser · 07/10/2025 18:17

He'll make me the odd coffee and I sometimes make him lunch. Yesterday he also got annoyed that I asked how was work he added that to argument. "Why do you ask that, I have nothing to tell you". He works in converted loft. I don't go up there so never distract him.

OP posts:
Goldbar · 07/10/2025 18:17

How old is your baby, OP?

You've had some very weird responses here. I wouldn't leave a small baby crying for more than a few minutes to do housework. Maybe something quick like getting the dishwasher on or putting a load on, but that would be it.

When you have an unhappy baby, for whatever reason, you're exhausted, wrung out and you don't get much done. That's the long and the short of it, really.

Personally I couldn't cope with being "micromanaged" in the way that you are being. I did what I liked on maternity leave and sometimes that included a load of chores and sometimes that didn't. My husband was pretty useless tbh, but he never dictated my schedule or complained if I didn't get round to doing stuff. We lived in a tip sometimes and that was all. If something was important to him and hadn't got done, he did it. My job was keeping the baby alive and keeping sane and as happy as possible (and tbh that was pretty hard sometimes, looking back I suspect I had undiagnosed PND).

gjkvdtj · 07/10/2025 18:17

People are being unfair to you. Looking after a baby can be difficult and exhausting. I was utterly sleep deprived on maternity leave and I would often fantasise about being at work. Naps were inconsistent and often the babies would only sleep on me. This expectation that the woman should do all the housework during maternity leave is weird and retrograde. But your comment about your husband being washed up was super mean.

Sirzy · 07/10/2025 18:17

Your using a Moses basket with a 5 month old? No wonder she doesn’t nap!

try to get into a proper routine of napping in her cot where she has some space.

Lucia573 · 07/10/2025 18:17

When I was on maternity leave I did all of the housework, shopping. And about 2/3 of the cooking. I think that’s pretty normal.

PumpkinSparkleFairy · 07/10/2025 18:16

MuddyPawsIndoors · 07/10/2025 17:31

You do seem to have a lot of down time to be fair.

Could you cut down on the 3 baby groups and ask your parents to visit you? This way they could mind the baby while you get stuff done.

No harm in wanting to socialise with other parents but could you minimise it a bit?

Are you serious? OP is taking the baby to baby groups, and you think she should stay at home and clean? How many hours a day should she be cleaning?

Also I have to ask - how does one have “down time” while looking after a baby?? 😂 I have an 11mo and trust me I’m not putting my feet up with a box of Milk Tray!

I’n so surprised at this attitude. Maternity leave is for looking after the baby, not scrubbing the skirting boards!

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 07/10/2025 18:16

How old is the baby?

I didn't do huge amounts of housework for much of my maternity leave - first I was ill (I had pre-eclampsia that was not resolved my giving birth and the medication made me feel awful), then DS fed constantly, hourly through the day, sometimes I only had 20 minutes from the end of one feed to the start of the next, then when that stopped, he started waking constantly in the night.

DH never once criticised me for it. Not saying we never squabbled when we were tired and stressed, but no accusations of either of us not pulling our weight.

Original poster
Olderbutneverwiser · 07/10/2025 18:16

5 months. I only use it when I'm walking around as its easy to carry or when she has the odd nap (always in my company)

OP posts:
LIZS · 07/10/2025 18:15

Maybe he encourages you to go out to groups as he is distracted from working by you also being at home. Do you walk the dog and take baby out with you? If he was working elsewhere what support would you expect when he was home? Does he do the babyswim without you there?

Original poster
Olderbutneverwiser · 07/10/2025 18:15

To clear a few things up. When we both met he had two cats and I had a dog. Hence his comment of I bought it with someone else.. ie it isn't his dog. We've been together 3.5 years.

Yes he is my child's dad.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 07/10/2025 18:15

Olderbutneverwiser · 07/10/2025 18:13

I would put her down but she sometimes brings up milk and sounds like she's choking. I need to watch her like a hawk when she's in her moses basket as the linen is lose and she grabs it and pull it and sometimes it covers her face.

Well for a start you need to get rid of that then! If you know it’s not safe why on earth are you using it?

how old is the baby?

Figcherry · 07/10/2025 18:14

TaraRhu · 07/10/2025 18:04

I'm sort of surprised by the attitude on here. You are both ' working ' from home. You are looking after the baby and he's doing work. The chores ;including the dishes- should be split. Having a baby 24/7 is exhausting. It's not swanning about. It's perfectly ok to come home from baby groups and just want to plonk on the couch. He can do his bit. He needs to grow up and walk the dog.

Glad you commented, I was beginning to think it was me.
My dh would never have berated me for not doing enough housework while caring for a newborn.

@Olderbutneverwiser Your first priority is your baby, afterwards if you can you do housework and cooking.
Walking the dog is really good for your mental and physical health and I would keep doing that.
You are allowed a day to sit on the sofa now and then.
Perhaps video yourself putting on a wash and cleaning up. It seems petty though.

BeaRightThere · 07/10/2025 18:14

TaraRhu · 07/10/2025 18:04

I'm sort of surprised by the attitude on here. You are both ' working ' from home. You are looking after the baby and he's doing work. The chores ;including the dishes- should be split. Having a baby 24/7 is exhausting. It's not swanning about. It's perfectly ok to come home from baby groups and just want to plonk on the couch. He can do his bit. He needs to grow up and walk the dog.

He is working and he is still doing housework and cooking dinner. The OP seems to do as little as possible.

And sure, it's fine to want to plonk on the couch after a baby group (although they are not exactly taxing), but while on mat leave there should be plenty of opportunity to keep the household running, keeping on top of cleaning and cooking and laundry. Of course there may be difficult days or even the odd tough week but honestly, most of the time, with most babies, it's really not that hard to do.

Original poster
Olderbutneverwiser · 07/10/2025 18:13

I would put her down but she sometimes brings up milk and sounds like she's choking. I need to watch her like a hawk when she's in her moses basket as the linen is lose and she grabs it and pull it and sometimes it covers her face.

OP posts:
Hurdygurdy123 · 07/10/2025 18:13

Bloke here, who worked 60+ hour weeks while wife looked after a child. It's not easy looking after a young one. Looking after the child and yourself is the most important thing. In my opinion tidying up / washing up is secondary. I was always happy (or at least accepting!) of coming home after a long day to a bomb site and having to wash up and tidy up when home from work.

Fringegirl1 · 07/10/2025 18:13

Yeah you’re definitely taking to piss! I don’t even count emptying or loading the dishwasher as a job 😂 it’s just done non stop , and everything is tidied up as we go. I used to let my baby dry for a few minutes to do stuff or did it when they wernt crying….

AutumnnotFall · 07/10/2025 18:13

TaraRhu · 07/10/2025 18:04

I'm sort of surprised by the attitude on here. You are both ' working ' from home. You are looking after the baby and he's doing work. The chores ;including the dishes- should be split. Having a baby 24/7 is exhausting. It's not swanning about. It's perfectly ok to come home from baby groups and just want to plonk on the couch. He can do his bit. He needs to grow up and walk the dog.

Didn't op say her dh didn't want the dog? It was her and a friend?

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