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Original poster

Housework while on maternity leave

438 replies

Olderbutneverwiser · 07/10/2025 17:19

Hello

I am struggling with the housework split whilst on maternity leave. Don't get me wrong my partner is great and does his fair share. He has always asked one thing of me, do one thing each day and he will do the bigger stuff. Some days I dont do anything but other days I'll do lots: ie fill dishwasher, empty dishwasher, put washing on, hang up/out clothes, put baby clothes away, tidy nursery, make dinners etc.). He even comments that "mummy has done lots today" and when I say to him "I feel bad i haven't done much today" he will say "yes you have, you're looking after our daughter". Although he is now saying he has only said this once (he says it most weeks).

I also go to 3 baby groups during the week, I meet with other mums and socialise (usually once/twice per week) and I visit my parents (1 hr away) - all with baby.

For dinners, we take turns who makes it. I sometimes make dinner in advance in slow cooker - curry, bolognaise, etc. Sometimes once per week. After he finishes work, I tend to work my dog for an hr, get home and then we decide who will cook dinner.

Badically what I'm getting at is, dinner is never planned out. Although partner works from home, he can be finished his work anywhere between 530-7.

Saturday after baby swim lesson, partner took himself away for 1.5 hours, didn't say anything and cleaned the whole kitchen while I looked after our baby. Yesterday when he finished work I heard him cooking dinner. He gave me dinner and whilst we were eating i noticied a spider on my little girl and i jumped (i have a fear). He got up annoyed and flicked it off telling me I could have done that. I said I would have I didn't ask him to do anything. He then starts saying I do nothing all day, I do no housework and when I do it's a rarity. He also kept saying "if I didn't make dinner who knows when we would have eaten" ive told him we need to agree a time for dinner and it isn't my.job which he agreed. I was confused as dinner is never planned out, he was acting like he always makes dinner which he doesn't. He then said all I do is swon around on maternity leave meeting friends for cake and coffee and hes the one working and "carrying us all".

It did piss me off. When I pointed out that I do make more dinners than him and then he said that dinners arent housework and so its invalid when I'm trying to make my point. I said to him entertaining a baby who doesn't like lying down, who is trying to grab everything and who is teething is hard work. I also said im tired after he finishes work as i then walk my dog fir an hr and he could do it sometmes. He said it was my choice to own a dog and he doesnt trust other dogs and so he doesnt want to walk her as he will find it stressful. He also said its my choice to own a dog (he has two cats i have a dog, these are pets from before we met). I may have called his cat an arsehole after that as he is on medication and I do my fair share, on my partners instruction of making sure he eats his medication and not letting the other cat eat it. This arsehole cat doesn't want to eat sometimes and so we follow him around for ages to eat and then we need to supervise both cats so the other doesn't eat it. Do I want to do that? No. I dont like cats but I dont bloody refuse.

Out of spite I've now contacted nurseries for a full time place as I dont want to accused of doing nothing if i were to reduce my hours as we had thought about reducing my hoursto keep nursery costs down but why should I to he moaned at. I have felt sad today as I feel I'm spiting my little girl by doing that when all I want to do is spend time with her. Im so angry. I called him a washed up 50 year old (there's an age gap!) And feel awful but he turned so nasty. Apparently I do nothing and the spider was the straw that broke the camels back. He's apologised but only for reacting.

Im glad I typed that all out. Feeling sad and a bit teary. Happy to be told if I'm being unreasonable as I can get emotional and very defensive when I'm criticised and this can cloud my judgement.

Who's in the wrong
Also, what did housework/pets look like for you on maternity leave?

I dont take back the cat arsehole comment, the cat is an asshole.

OP posts:
RubySquid · 07/10/2025 18:59

Olderbutneverwiser · 07/10/2025 17:51

I'd understand if he done all the housework but most weeks we do the same amount, except he deals with the bins. Thats what annoys me. He acts like he does everythng. He basically wants a clean house after his work but I'm not a maid, I do what I can. Here he is now asking what he can do to help. He's taking my daughter I'm going yo walk my dog. It would be nice if he offered to do that. Like I help with his medication. I was told he doesn't want a dog and I bought it with someone else earlier. So he isn't a saint after all.

So he does the same amount of housework and works full time?

user593 · 07/10/2025 18:57

You need to get her used to being put down or you’re in for a world of difficulty later. When I needed to do stuff when DCs were little I popped them in the pram and wheeled them around with me or positioned them in a bouncer.

Original poster
Olderbutneverwiser · 07/10/2025 18:55

He has had her three times alone while Ive met friends alone. Twice of those times I came home and he was stressed as baby cried and he couldn't get anything done! Make it make sense!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Olderbutneverwiser · 07/10/2025 18:53

I go visit parents to give him downtime. He tends to make a pizza, watch a movie do some hobby stuff. He has never asked me to do this but he isn't very socialble and he needs downtime too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Olderbutneverwiser · 07/10/2025 18:52

We are new to area. I found it hard having friends and family an hr away. She suggested I started going to groups. That's why I socialise I have made some mum friends in the area. I felt so down and lonely having no one near. The blow job comment made me laugh.

OP posts:
MuddyPawsIndoors · 07/10/2025 18:51

BoredZelda · 07/10/2025 18:38

What? So that her husband doesn’t have to be an adult and look after his own home / cook dinner etc?

Bullshit. Baby groups, visiting parents etc is all part of raising a child. He needs to get off his high horse and realise looking after a baby isn’t a holiday.

He uttered the words “mummy did loads today”. He’s a patronising twat.

Show quote history

What? So that her husband doesn’t have to be an adult and look after his own home / cook dinner etc?

No, so the OP can do a bit less socialising and a bit more adulting.

The split is very unfair at the moment, and all the OP's clubs etc is taking up a fair amount of time.

Even if she cut them in half she'd still be going twice a week and perhaps her parents could visit her, to save the two hour round trip.

PeonyPatch · 07/10/2025 18:50

OP, you sound very young and a bit immature. I’m wondering if you have a health visitor you can speak to, or whether early help could support ?

Goldbar · 07/10/2025 18:49

Kosenrufugirl · 07/10/2025 18:42

Further to my earlier posts ... the sooner you are realise this is NOT about housework etc, the better. You are not intimate, physically or emotionally.

You are heading for the break up at speed.

You need to change your whole head about this situation if you want to keep your partner in your life.

Whether it's fair/not fair, it's irrelevant. It's always women who organise weddings and funerals. Men are clueless about social kind of things.

You need to make a decision if you want to keep the guy. And act accordingly. I am not saying you must have sex. However, there are ways of keeping intimacy alive. Watching a movie together, going for a walk together, plain old blow job etc. I hope you get the gist

Show quote history

Ignore, OP. There's some weird people on MN these days.

Goldbar · 07/10/2025 18:47

MuddyPawsIndoors · 07/10/2025 18:36

4 four baby groups (including swimming lessons for a 5 month old), and a two hour round trip to see her parents, would definitely be exhausting.

Show quote history

You mean the groups he told her to go to?

Big red flag there. I really can't imagine my husband ever insisting that I take our babies to a certain number of groups or saying anything beyond "That's nice", whatever I decided to do with them. The notion is laughable.

cityanalyst678 · 07/10/2025 18:47

I won’t ask how you will cope if you have another child and go back to work. My partner worked on the rigs when I had my first baby - I had to go back to work after 12 weeks and be on the ward for 7am. I had to do everything when I got home and never begrudged anything…

Kosenrufugirl · 07/10/2025 18:42

Olderbutneverwiser · 07/10/2025 18:24

I would understand his point if he did everything. Housework is probably 60/40. Him doing a tiny bit more. Im annoyed that he said i do nothing. Yet on days I have no plans I'm encouraged to go out "seize the day" he says, yet makes digs at me going out tells me to stay out, dont rush, then complains I'm out all day. Tells me we are one unit and I need to help with cats (but he refuses with my dog). Tells me I never ask about his work, complains I ask about his day. Moans he pays more bills but refuses to accept money I've offered. He is a good guy but hes been such a grumpy recently. We haven't been intimate recently. I have been told I have a grade 3 prolapse and to not do any intende excercise. Im feeling insecure abiut down there and gutted as I had signed up to a bootcamp to lose my baby weight. Im also not depressed. He knows how to push my buttons. I feel awful making digs about him.

Further to my earlier posts ... the sooner you are realise this is NOT about housework etc, the better. You are not intimate, physically or emotionally.

You are heading for the break up at speed.

You need to change your whole head about this situation if you want to keep your partner in your life.

Whether it's fair/not fair, it's irrelevant. It's always women who organise weddings and funerals. Men are clueless about social kind of things.

You need to make a decision if you want to keep the guy. And act accordingly. I am not saying you must have sex. However, there are ways of keeping intimacy alive. Watching a movie together, going for a walk together, plain old blow job etc. I hope you get the gist

JaneEyre40 · 07/10/2025 18:39

BeaRightThere · 07/10/2025 18:26

It is and I did the same but here apparently you're supposed to spend all day just watching the baby and doing nothing else. Any expectation that you lift a finger is grossly unreasonable.

Show quote history

Everyone's new parent experience is completely different stop being a dick.

AutumnnotFall · 07/10/2025 18:38

MuddyPawsIndoors · 07/10/2025 18:36

4 four baby groups (including swimming lessons for a 5 month old), and a two hour round trip to see her parents, would definitely be exhausting.

Show quote history

I agree, op also mentioned baby bringing up milk and choking which sounds like reflux/allergy. Have you tried to get this addressed op? It could account for some of the screaming? Has baby always been this way?

BoredZelda · 07/10/2025 18:38

MuddyPawsIndoors · 07/10/2025 17:31

You do seem to have a lot of down time to be fair.

Could you cut down on the 3 baby groups and ask your parents to visit you? This way they could mind the baby while you get stuff done.

No harm in wanting to socialise with other parents but could you minimise it a bit?

What? So that her husband doesn’t have to be an adult and look after his own home / cook dinner etc?

Bullshit. Baby groups, visiting parents etc is all part of raising a child. He needs to get off his high horse and realise looking after a baby isn’t a holiday.

He uttered the words “mummy did loads today”. He’s a patronising twat.

JaneEyre40 · 07/10/2025 18:37

Olderbutneverwiser · 07/10/2025 17:36

Oh that's the thing, he has told me to go to more baby groups! 4 isn't enough apparently (Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday). He has down time as when im seeing friends or family I'm taking baby. Baby is with me all time except when I walk my dog. Ive told told him to get out the hosue and walk the dog and get downtime but he refuses. He pays more bills but wont accept more money from me as "youre on maternity leave". Ive tried giving him a lump sum "no that's your savings" and when we go out I tend to pick up the bill to make up for that, theh he starts having a go and tells me to stop it as we cant track spend but doesn't mind making the odd comment that he pays more?! I cant bloody win. Yes I've tried a sling, baby cries constantly in it. I love her so much, he is the one making it hard.

Has he ever had her on his own for a whole day while she's teething?

MuddyPawsIndoors · 07/10/2025 18:36

Goldbar · 07/10/2025 18:33

She's exhausted and has fairly serious injuries from the birth. The baby is not napping. There is a limited amount that is going to get done in these circumstances until things improve.

Show quote history

4 four baby groups (including swimming lessons for a 5 month old), and a two hour round trip to see her parents, would definitely be exhausting.

Goldbar · 07/10/2025 18:33

BeaRightThere · 07/10/2025 18:31

She had a baby 5 months ago and she admits that he does 60% of the housework. It isn't having standards in the gutter to think she could do a bit more than one slow cooker meal a lot week plus a load of laundry

Show quote history

She's exhausted and has fairly serious injuries from the birth. The baby is not napping. There is a limited amount that is going to get done in these circumstances until things improve.

MuddyPawsIndoors · 07/10/2025 18:32

UnhappyHobbit · 07/10/2025 18:22

You also have a man willing to clean the kitchen and do most of the housework. That’s honestly a dream for some of us women!

Show quote history

What does this have to do with anything?

Surely you don't think women should be grateful to marry a fully functional adult?

BeaRightThere · 07/10/2025 18:31

Goldbar · 07/10/2025 18:28

She's just had a baby. Let's try to raise our standards out of the gutter.

Rule of thumb - one of you cares for the baby, one of you does chores. Switch and take turns.

You might manage to do some bits and pieces around the baby or while they nap, but that's not guaranteed.

It's not sensible for people to say just leave your baby to cry so you can do chores. Yes, leaving them for a few minutes won't harm them, but new mothers are evolutionarily wired to suffer emotional distress listening to their babies cry. It's one of Nature's tools to ensure babies are tended to and survive. It's not fair to expect you to ignore your baby to clean.

Show quote history

She had a baby 5 months ago and she admits that he does 60% of the housework. It isn't having standards in the gutter to think she could do a bit more than one slow cooker meal a lot week plus a load of laundry

Goldbar · 07/10/2025 18:28

UnhappyHobbit · 07/10/2025 18:22

You also have a man willing to clean the kitchen and do most of the housework. That’s honestly a dream for some of us women!

Show quote history

She's just had a baby. Let's try to raise our standards out of the gutter.

Rule of thumb - one of you cares for the baby, one of you does chores. Switch and take turns.

You might manage to do some bits and pieces around the baby or while they nap, but that's not guaranteed.

It's not sensible for people to say just leave your baby to cry so you can do chores. Yes, leaving them for a few minutes won't harm them, but new mothers are evolutionarily wired to suffer emotional distress listening to their babies cry. It's one of Nature's tools to ensure babies are tended to and survive. It's not fair to expect you to ignore your baby to clean.

BeaRightThere · 07/10/2025 18:26

Lucia573 · 07/10/2025 18:17

When I was on maternity leave I did all of the housework, shopping. And about 2/3 of the cooking. I think that’s pretty normal.

It is and I did the same but here apparently you're supposed to spend all day just watching the baby and doing nothing else. Any expectation that you lift a finger is grossly unreasonable.

Original poster
Olderbutneverwiser · 07/10/2025 18:24

I would understand his point if he did everything. Housework is probably 60/40. Him doing a tiny bit more. Im annoyed that he said i do nothing. Yet on days I have no plans I'm encouraged to go out "seize the day" he says, yet makes digs at me going out tells me to stay out, dont rush, then complains I'm out all day. Tells me we are one unit and I need to help with cats (but he refuses with my dog). Tells me I never ask about his work, complains I ask about his day. Moans he pays more bills but refuses to accept money I've offered. He is a good guy but hes been such a grumpy recently. We haven't been intimate recently. I have been told I have a grade 3 prolapse and to not do any intende excercise. Im feeling insecure abiut down there and gutted as I had signed up to a bootcamp to lose my baby weight. Im also not depressed. He knows how to push my buttons. I feel awful making digs about him.

OP posts:
AngelofIslington · 07/10/2025 18:24

Op I get that being on mat leave is not being on holiday, you are there to care for your DC but from what you’ve said you don’t seem to do that much housework.
As a pp highlighted that list you gave of what you did last week was really not a lot.
It does sound your DH, you you started of by saying was great, does do his fair share.
And saying you are putting your DC in full time nursery just to spite your DH is ridiculous.

MuddyPawsIndoors · 07/10/2025 18:24

TaraRhu · 07/10/2025 18:04

I'm sort of surprised by the attitude on here. You are both ' working ' from home. You are looking after the baby and he's doing work. The chores ;including the dishes- should be split. Having a baby 24/7 is exhausting. It's not swanning about. It's perfectly ok to come home from baby groups and just want to plonk on the couch. He can do his bit. He needs to grow up and walk the dog.

Baby groups are not for the benefit of young babies, they're a way for parents to socialise.

The OP is socialising at 3 baby groups, baby swimming and her parents house.

That's not 'working from home'.

ETA: And no he doesn't have to walk the OP's dog, especially if he's nervous of other dogs.

LIZS · 07/10/2025 18:23

But you and the baby being in the house may still distract him on the background, on calls etc and any dog noise. At five months you should be able to leave her safely while you shower etc. You are choosing to make this harder. If time for cleaning is an issue can you afford a cleaner once a week?

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