How can I ever trust my wife again?

Maybe reply with a list of what he would have to do.

It must have been bad for you to spend a year planning to leave. Don't even think of going back. Remember how it was and look forward to making your current life as good as you can.

Are you entertaining this, i.e. doing a lot of work on yourself so you can get back together?

What does he need to do for you to get back together? I think you'd be insane to even consider it. He hasn't learnt anything at all from you leaving

But why would you want to get back together? You spent a year working so you could escape.

Why on earth would you do that

So why are you even contemplating it? Presumably you left him because you thought he was the problem. Now he's giving you the impression that if he deigned to resume the relationship, all blame would be on you, and you would need to work to make him trust you again? That's no basis for any relationship.

Stick to your original idea of leaving him for good.

This.

Well that would be a bloody stupid thing to do wouldn't it.

@FogCatcher I get you. Sad to say mines still at it almost a decade later.

But you won't be getting back together...will you?

So what. I'd feel upset if my partner left me and possibly it could come out in anger. He knows he's far from perfect and is in denial.

He'll be onto begging you back and saying he's changed next week...

Then he'll be saying how you were the one abusing him...

Then probably have a highly inappropriate rebound relationship to try and make you jealous..

Just don't ever speak to him again.

Why on earth do you think that keeping your family together is more important than trying to protect your children from the lifelong damage teaching them that its normal for parents to be horrible to each other will do to them?

You point out that your leaving was entirely his fault had he behaved as a decent husband and human you wouldn't have been forced to leave and divorce him. Do this every single time he brings it up and ask him how he can expect you to trust him to treat you as an equal and what he would change about his behaviour. Eventually he will stop bringing it up.

@FogCatcher you've done the right thing leaving but he's never going to see that, he ruined his own life but that's far too hard for him to admit so he'll blame you instead. Don't expect an apology and stop engaging with him unless it's absolutely necessary.
Men like your ex love a good public image, he doesn't want anyone to know he was a git at home. Stop listening to him whining and get a good solicitor

Well done for leaving an abusive relationship. However, yabu to want the sort of closure you are seeking. He won't apologise, or if he does it will be to either try to win you back or otherwise manipulate you. He doesn't accept his behaviour and isnt sorry.

Focus on moving on, limiting contact except for directly related to parenting. Consider grey rock approach if needed. Contact womens aid for support, and counselling. Wishing you all the best - I've been there and it is likely to get worse short term. But long term it's fantastic.

Give it a rest plenty of women have to bide their time to leave abusive relationships.

A year is a long time to deceive someone into thinking they have a marriage, even if they aren’t very nice.

It's not better to keep your family together if that means showing your children that a relationship is acceptable where one partner is abusing the other .
You left because he treated you like crap, he isn't taking any responsibility and therefore won't be changing his ways and is blaming you. What example would that be setting for your children. Ask yourself why it is preferable to you to have both parents under one roof where the relationship is toxic rather than raising them separately

But why did you leave in the first place? Presumably you were unhappy enough to leave. Has anything changed to make you think your relationship could be better in future?

Do not go back. Just tell him, "if you can't trust me then, of course, we shouldn't get back togehter. You're right." He is only saying that so that if and when you DO get back together, he can act the victim and YOU will have to do all the work because you have to "regain his trust".

So please, do not get back together.

Also, do not expect him to ever understand or accept responsibility. I'm not saying he's a narcissist, but look up covert or vulnerable narcissistic behaviours - this is pretty standard for people with those traits or characteristics.

You will be blamed for breaking up the family.
You will be expected to do all the work to manage any fall out.
Any financial implications will be borne largely by you. Ironically, this will be worse if you are the primary breadwinner as he expect you to continue to fund his lifestyle and if you don't, there will be many many ways in which he will punish you.
Incidentally, he will punish you by using the children against you. That will be his main form of punishment.
He will threaten you with everything from taking the children, taking the money, taking the house to telling everyone how awful you are, the police, social services.
Oh, on that note - be prepared for the smear campaign. This is when he will start making sure that anyone and everyone knows how aful you are.

You've left - if you have children you need to find a way to co-parent successfully. Whoever was in the wrong or the right (and it's never 100% anyone's fault and no one is 100% blameless, that's not real life) you both need to move past it. You can't change his behaviour you can only decide how you respond to it, so if he starts rattling on about you ruining him or not being able to trust you, then you shut it down by saying: "I understand that you feel that way, it's not how I feel and I won't be discussing it further."

Also if he treated you so terribly why on earth are you considering going back to him? You said 'to keep the family together' but the family are already apart and he's still treating you badly. You made your choice for good reasons, now stick to them because nothing seems to have changed - if anything he is behaving in a worse manner - and you have made your escape for the good of yourself AND the family. Nothing worse for kids than being brought up in a toxic environment.

what’s he want you to say? Sorry I don’t want to be with you…. Sorry you don’t make me happy…. Sorry I don’t want to listen to you name calling. He needs to get over it. He’s gaslighting you…..

Why do you need him to see your hurt, you feeling hurt is enough. Don’t ask the snake why he bit you, know that the bite is harmful.

You need to look at your own personality and wiring and you need to focus on changing that not him. So you want validation from people who abuse you? Why do you want that? When in your life did you start wanting that? Now that you are an adult how can you change that? These are your issues, not him, he is not your issue.