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Original poster

How can I ever trust my wife again?

121 replies

FogCatcher · 07/10/2025 12:17

My wife planned for a year to leave me in secret, she told me our marriage is over and moved out months later. How can I ever forgive her? She said she left due to name calling and me treating her badly. I admit I treated her badly but how can I ever trust her again?

She’s ruined everything, she’s destroyed all our lives! She also mentioned other stuff that I apparently said to her - very bad things - she’s lying! She’s a dangerous person! She wants to ruin me!

I’ll never forget that terrible email from universal credit saying that my wife had told them she was now single. How could she do that to me? How can I ever trust her again?

*This is a reverse post from my husband’s POV.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 07/10/2025 13:10

FogCatcher · 07/10/2025 12:28

To keep our family together.

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Don't be a fool. Why would you willingly go back to an abusive man? Do you really think that's a healthy environment for DC?

BlueandPinkSwan · 07/10/2025 13:10

jeaux90 · 07/10/2025 13:00

Do not go back. He won’t change. Grey rock now until he’s bored, go to court get a CAO in place so he has no control.

Not everyone knows what this means, the OP certainly doesn't.

Christmasplans8 · 07/10/2025 13:10

Don’t go back, it sounds like hell in that marriage. The coparenting stuff will work itself out eventually.

Original poster
FogCatcher · 07/10/2025 13:09

JudgeJ · 07/10/2025 13:00

But you would say that, wouldn't you?

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Not lying. These are very real things that he said to me not long after I had our first child. I remember being scared and shocked, I wrote it down in an email to myself.

OP posts:
thinkfast · 07/10/2025 13:09

I don’t get your post at all OP. Why would your exDH need to trust you or forgive you? You’re no longer in a relationship so you both need to learn to move on and stop caring so much about what the other thinks or does.

Original poster
FogCatcher · 07/10/2025 13:07

jeaux90 · 07/10/2025 13:00

Do not go back. He won’t change. Grey rock now until he’s bored, go to court get a CAO in place so he has no control.

What’s a CAO?

OP posts:
BlueandPinkSwan · 07/10/2025 13:07

FFS in the nicest possible way this is waffle and OP you split up so what does it matter what you /he said /says?

beAsensible1 · 07/10/2025 13:06

FogCatcher · 07/10/2025 12:22

If we were to get back together.

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why would you? based on this he seems deranged and verbally aggressive.

dumberthanaboxofrocks · 07/10/2025 13:04

Plugsocketrocket · 07/10/2025 12:23

This is the classic internet meme of the snake biting you and leaving you with their venom and you wondering why the snake bit you instead of trying to extract the venom.

Your husband behaves the way he does because over his lifetime his brain has literally wired through personality and experience to behave that way, just like how a snake evolves, you need to extract your husband’s venom and accept his nature nothing more.

Edited

Excellent analogy!

BauhausOfEliott · 07/10/2025 13:03

FogCatcher · 07/10/2025 12:22

If we were to get back together.

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Why would you want to get back together? You’ve left him.

Octavia64 · 07/10/2025 13:03

My ExH blamed me for us leaving even though I literally called the police because he hit our DD.

none so blind as those that will not see

SandyY2K · 07/10/2025 13:01

FogCatcher · 07/10/2025 12:43

He says I would have a lot of work to do if we were to get back together.

Do him a favour and tell him its a moot point, as reconciliation won't be happening.

Nothing more to say, except try and coparent well and keep the kids as a priority.

Juniperberry55 · 07/10/2025 13:01

FogCatcher · 07/10/2025 12:56

I feel angry that he’s painted himself as the victim and me as the villain. He puts on a poor Dad act for our kids which is hard to stomach. I just want him to show some remorse for how he treated me but I doubt that will happen.

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I imagine if you go back he will be expecting you to grovel, admit your guilt (despite doing nothing wrong) and I wouldn't be shocked if he becomes controlling.... Because after all how van he trust you anymore, so you'd soon have to share your location on your phone, give him.access to your accounts etc because he's decided he can't take you at your word
You're going to end up miserable if you go back and that will impact on your children

jeaux90 · 07/10/2025 13:00

Do not go back. He won’t change. Grey rock now until he’s bored, go to court get a CAO in place so he has no control.

JudgeJ · 07/10/2025 13:00

FogCatcher · 07/10/2025 12:21

Definitely not lying.

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But you would say that, wouldn't you?

Sez1990 · 07/10/2025 12:59

INeedAnotherName · 07/10/2025 12:53

Don't do it.

Your family is already broken (due to his past behaviour) and your children's mental and emotional health depend on you protecting them from the worst of his behaviour. You do that by being a role model and refusing to be in a toxic relationship.

Never, ever, return to a toxic, abusive relationship. Especially when children are involved.

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This ^
You left because he was nasty. He takes no responsibility and blames it all on you. That’s no basis for getting back together, so who cares if he doesn’t trust you? If he’s making things hard apart it will be 10 times worse when together. Either block him and only speak when necessary or go to mediation to find a way forward. It sounds like you’ve done the right thing and it might help to work on your self esteem which can take a massive hit in abusive/toxic relationships

AliceMaforethought · 07/10/2025 12:57

Please tell me you're not the poster whose son doesn't want to stay over with her. You kind of seem like that one, and your posts are getting old.

Original poster
FogCatcher · 07/10/2025 12:56

StewkeyBlue · 07/10/2025 12:53

Do you not trust your own judgement?

Why on earth would you expect a man you need to leave to agree with you?

So what if he blames you - he blames you because he is an abusive twat...and that is why you are leaving.

And more fool you if you even consider getting back together.

Show quote history

I feel angry that he’s painted himself as the victim and me as the villain. He puts on a poor Dad act for our kids which is hard to stomach. I just want him to show some remorse for how he treated me but I doubt that will happen.

OP posts:
reversingdumptruckwithnotyreson · 07/10/2025 12:56

As much as I do believe can get through things and get back together to sometimes even better relationships, I’m confused why you’re even contemplating it?

He has shown no remorse, accountability, desire to change or steps towards understanding each other. If you go back he’ll just think he’s right and keep doing whatever he was doing before.

INeedAnotherName · 07/10/2025 12:53

FogCatcher · 07/10/2025 12:28

To keep our family together.

Show quote history

Don't do it.

Your family is already broken (due to his past behaviour) and your children's mental and emotional health depend on you protecting them from the worst of his behaviour. You do that by being a role model and refusing to be in a toxic relationship.

Never, ever, return to a toxic, abusive relationship. Especially when children are involved.

Original poster
FogCatcher · 07/10/2025 12:53

Pollqueen · 07/10/2025 12:52

He's punishing you for leaving, he's not at all contrite and if you go back he will have won, you will be the one in the wrong and he won't let you forget it

I have a friend who left her truly nasty DH. Went back because of the DC and he's never stopped punishing her for it and now she's back at square one. And it wasn't easy to leave the first time

That’s what would worry me.

OP posts:
StewkeyBlue · 07/10/2025 12:53

FogCatcher · 07/10/2025 12:25

It’s just hard to accept him blaming me completely for leaving even though I’ve told him the reasons (him treating me badly) it’s like he’s completely deaf to any of my reasons and only sees how hurt he is.

Show quote history

Do you not trust your own judgement?

Why on earth would you expect a man you need to leave to agree with you?

So what if he blames you - he blames you because he is an abusive twat...and that is why you are leaving.

And more fool you if you even consider getting back together.

Pollqueen · 07/10/2025 12:52

He's punishing you for leaving, he's not at all contrite and if you go back he will have won, you will be the one in the wrong and he won't let you forget it

I have a friend who left her truly nasty DH. Went back because of the DC and he's never stopped punishing her for it and now she's back at square one. And it wasn't easy to leave the first time

Squigglydums · 07/10/2025 12:51

Still confused on this post.

HereForTheFreeLunch · 07/10/2025 12:51

FogCatcher · 07/10/2025 12:25

It’s just hard to accept him blaming me completely for leaving even though I’ve told him the reasons (him treating me badly) it’s like he’s completely deaf to any of my reasons and only sees how hurt he is.

Show quote history

If he was capable of seeing your perspective you would possibly be still together. He is incapable of seeing you as a fully functional human being.

Think of it for a moment from another perspective - your fridge or your washing machine started going on about how they have rights too and don't like you being the one to decide everything... You would be super annoyed with the washing machine but you would never see it's perspective because it's role in your kitchen is to wash clothes - not to have emotions and feelings. It's bad enough that it breaks down every now and then - but a hospital visit is inevitable sometimes. But that's it - beyond that it should just wash the clothes.

You are the malfunctioning white goods in your husband's life. He will never see your perspective.