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Original poster

To ask what you would do?Dd yr9 moving schools?

60 replies

FishersGate · 07/10/2025 09:46

Myself and husband are having huge problems on agreement with schools and its having a toll on dd13.

She is currently at an all girls yr9 co of e school. School is outstanding she is doing fine academically in higher cohort in year. However this year she has got quite down friendship wise. The school is 10min drive away and lots of her friends live spread everywhere however some are also local. Her best friend who she went through primary with is in her form but tbh they have been having issues for some time. I feel thr friendship has run its course.

DD has also recently been referred for OCD and anxiety issues. Most of these outside od school. She hasn't had the best home life for 2 years after my DH lost mil it was a extremely difficult time couple with the fact that myself and DH have been on the verge of separating.

DH has always hate the all girls school element school is great pastoral and they have been great helping with issues. He thinks DD should move has seen a change in her she isn't bubbly, doesn't like school (she says not the school just school) nagging to do homework etc and she isn't having a social life outside of school. She plays football at weekends and trains twice a week plus martial arts. Non school related.

She sees a couple of boys who's she is friends with outside of school too.

DH wants to move her to local academy 10 mins walk. Its large fab facilities. Not as good academically and has some behavioural issues but is local and mixed cohort. He says this will be better she's better around boys and easier to be out at weekends etc etc.

Myself and DH can't agree. DD said she doesn't want to go to local school but I am not sure if this because she is worried about the unknown and making friends rather than not wanting to leave her current school. She is fully aware that DH doesn't like her current school and feels she can't be happy there as she knows dad doesn't like it and he is vocal about it.

DH spends a lot of time generally nagging at he about texting meeting friends etc as I think he thinks she should be out all the time etc etc.

I disagree and think lots of it is teenage stuff and finding her feet. But I also now feel drained as I am sure poor DD is and just think we should move schools so we dont DH bringing up the school every week.

We are waiting for a call from hear of y9 at current school. The pastoral at current school thinks DD should have a couple of sessions of 1 2 1 prior to moving as any move could also make her ocd anxiety worse.

I am completely drained and dont know what to do for the best as I am obviously concerned about her GcSEs too.

OP posts:
Original poster
FishersGate · 07/10/2025 12:33

Thatcannotberight · 07/10/2025 12:05

My son is in yr 9. He says the girls and boys don't speak to each other at school. This is at a school where nearly all the pupils came from the mixed Junior School next door and knew each other all through school. There's also a clique of mean girls who exclude any girls they don't like. Does your DH want that for your DD?

I have explained this and I also feel it won't automatically solve the problems he thinks she has!! It won't make her gain a social life locally etc. She plays football for a mixed and girls team outside of school

OP posts:
Tiswa · 07/10/2025 12:11

@FishersGate can you tell him that. How awful it is that he is constantly trying to wear her down so she agrees with him just to get peace - how tortuous that is for her and how she is old enough to make her own choice.

that one of the hardest parts of parenting is realising that your child has a mind of their own and decisions have to be theirs because the worse thing is resenting someone for making a decision for you

that also comes with recognising they are not you their likes and dislikes and comfort zones are different

Thatcannotberight · 07/10/2025 12:05

My son is in yr 9. He says the girls and boys don't speak to each other at school. This is at a school where nearly all the pupils came from the mixed Junior School next door and knew each other all through school. There's also a clique of mean girls who exclude any girls they don't like. Does your DH want that for your DD?

Original poster
FishersGate · 07/10/2025 11:55

Tiswa · 07/10/2025 11:21

Yep he is trying to either or both parent the child he wants or trying to turn his daughter into himself and is causing no end of anxiety for you and her

he needs to back off

Show quote history

Unfortunately this is the view i have come too. He also can't accept she is a hormonal teenager and has changed since primary

OP posts:
Tiswa · 07/10/2025 11:40

Year 9 is a tricky year worst I think of all of them so what she is experiencing is normal

DD went through all girls until year 12 (she decided to move) and DS is the mixed local and my god DD would not have coped with it at all

he needs to listen to her and frankly stop going out and start parenting he isn’t helping at all

it is HER choice and hers alone and he needs to respect thst

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 07/10/2025 11:26

Girls do better academically in single sex schools.

Tiswa · 07/10/2025 11:21

Sunflower3000 · 07/10/2025 11:18

Classic Mumsnet line: this is a DH problem. He needs to back the fuck off and listen to his child.

Yep he is trying to either or both parent the child he wants or trying to turn his daughter into himself and is causing no end of anxiety for you and her

he needs to back off

Sunflower3000 · 07/10/2025 11:18

Classic Mumsnet line: this is a DH problem. He needs to back the fuck off and listen to his child.

Original poster
FishersGate · 07/10/2025 11:15

NorthSouthEast · 07/10/2025 10:15

Why is your DH so obsessed with DD’s social life and need to meet boys? He sounds odd and not very nice. It sounds as though he thinks she is having an inadequate social life and judging her negatively for this.

You both need to back off the whole school issue and if you’re on the verge of separating, get on with that and leave DD in a settled environment.

If she wants to move schools she will tell you. You could give her a breathing space of needing to know before summer term starts so you can visit the other school and check if it’s really right ahead of making a move for the beginning of year 10 but until that point you don’t keep on at her about it. If you separate from your husband it would give her some space from her overbearing Dad too.

This is my take the whole rhetoric about school friends going out etc needs to stop ✋️ and let her have space. All DH sees is her grumpy and unhappy after school mainly due to the girl in her form. He said no benefit to sending her to school she came down one set in maths due to one exam mark. She is happier in the set she is in -C. She is managing work better.

DH is view is why send her or her be at this school when she isn't progressing academically despite the school stating what a lovely pupil she is. She gets involved in open days etc.

It's just a mess and more so for DD

OP posts:
Original poster
FishersGate · 07/10/2025 11:06

herbalteabag · 07/10/2025 10:49

I think you should ask your daughter whether or not she wants to change schools, and if so, where she wants to go to. Then go with it.
The issues she is having sound like they are things that can be worked out without her changing schools. Friendships often change at secondary, especially when students are mixed up differently for lessons. Sounds like she would be better helped in dealing with that.

This is my take she has suggested a change of form. She said she would move to another school but its completely not viable either way travel wise. But also one of her friends has just moved there. !

To be fair school are trying to refer her etc and help. I think she needs to be un nagged and left alone for a while. Even she says the constant asking about school is draining but we both feel that we wont get a break from DH unless she just moves.

I am also second guessing myself now constantly

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 07/10/2025 11:03

I was never enthused about going to school.
I loved lessons, the teachers, the learning but the people, other pupils, nope.

herbalteabag · 07/10/2025 10:49

I think you should ask your daughter whether or not she wants to change schools, and if so, where she wants to go to. Then go with it.
The issues she is having sound like they are things that can be worked out without her changing schools. Friendships often change at secondary, especially when students are mixed up differently for lessons. Sounds like she would be better helped in dealing with that.

Schoolchoicesucks · 07/10/2025 10:41

ButterPiesAreGreat · 07/10/2025 09:54

If DD doesn’t want to move, don’t move her.

This.

If the school she is at are good at the pastoral stuff, she is doing well academically and you are able to support her out of school connections and activities plus she is saying she doesn't want to move, then don't move her.

The meeting up with friends independently thing happens (round here) much later on than it did in my day. Y10 or 11.

How are things with you and DH? Don't give in to him nagging for the sake of an easier life if you don't agree it's in your daughter's best interests.

PullingOutHair123 · 07/10/2025 10:40

Your OH needs to stop bullying your DD to go to a different school for no other reason (from what I'm reading) than he wants her to have a boy friend. It's ridiculous.

If your daughter wants to stay, she stays. Friendship groups can be volatile, they will settle. But what she really needs is a happy supportive home life.

Greenqueen40 · 07/10/2025 10:36

Your poor daughter, your DH sounds awful

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 07/10/2025 10:35

Girls who present with anxiety are usually just diagnosed with ‘anxiety’

However the first presenting symptom of ND in girls is anxiety. She’s more likely ND than anxious. This will explain why she likes a quiet life at home. Changing schools would be very disruptive. Your Dh needs to back off.

My dd is very quiet and home loving at 19.Shes AUDHD. I still struggle with understanding it, because l was the opposite.

But let her be herself.

AutumnLover1989 · 07/10/2025 10:33

There's go guarantee that things will improve by changing schools and could create more or different issues. Sounds like home life is the main issue.

Leopardspota · 07/10/2025 10:30

FishersGate · 07/10/2025 10:20

No hes out all the time!!

Show quote history

Well then he seems to be unable to understand that going out all the time does not make everyone happy, even if it makes him happy.

Tbrg · 07/10/2025 10:30

@FishersGate

Should she be excited to go to school enthusiastic about school ? I dont know if assumed most teens weren't

My DD is roughly the same age and has a great friendship group, but isn’t enthusiastic about school at all despite doing well academically too. I told my DD the other day that I loved school when I was there and she said “why?? School is just a prison for kids”. So I think it’s normal for them not to be enthusiastic.

I would listen to your DD and keep her in the school she is in, your DH is likely to just cause more unnecessary drama for your DD by moving her. He is just projecting onto her what he thinks her school days should look like, instead of listening to what she wants.

Eenameenadeeka · 07/10/2025 10:27

Sounds like she's old enough to try and make her own choice, it must be awful for her being stuck in the middle and it sounds like he's worrying excessively and making her feel worse rather than offering support or following her needs. I'd say you need to see how the school are going to support her and what she wants to do.

Original poster
FishersGate · 07/10/2025 10:22

Hankunamatata · 07/10/2025 10:13

I think dd knowing you have her back may be more important to her.

Also taking to her to tell her that her dads bad moods and atmosphere is not her fault. Its his

I hate throwing terms out there but have you ever looked at co ersive control? Im married to an adhder who has similar tendancies. Took us quite bit couples therapy to unpick it.

Show quote history

We have had this discussion but I think she is very confused abd wants to please DH. I also said to leave it and let DD be but he won't listen .

There is definitely control ongoing

OP posts:
Original poster
FishersGate · 07/10/2025 10:20

Leopardspota · 07/10/2025 10:11

Your husband has unrealistic expectations. He’s projecting his own feelings onto her - does he want to go out more? Is he unhappy in his friendships?

seeing her aunt and doing some bits at home doesn’t sound like an unhappy child, she knows her mind and wants to do her things.

No hes out all the time!!

OP posts:
NorthSouthEast · 07/10/2025 10:15

Why is your DH so obsessed with DD’s social life and need to meet boys? He sounds odd and not very nice. It sounds as though he thinks she is having an inadequate social life and judging her negatively for this.

You both need to back off the whole school issue and if you’re on the verge of separating, get on with that and leave DD in a settled environment.

If she wants to move schools she will tell you. You could give her a breathing space of needing to know before summer term starts so you can visit the other school and check if it’s really right ahead of making a move for the beginning of year 10 but until that point you don’t keep on at her about it. If you separate from your husband it would give her some space from her overbearing Dad too.

Hankunamatata · 07/10/2025 10:13

FishersGate · 07/10/2025 10:08

I do but obviously the vocalisation of this leads to a not pleasant atmosphere at home. Making dd worse

Show quote history

I think dd knowing you have her back may be more important to her.

Also taking to her to tell her that her dads bad moods and atmosphere is not her fault. Its his

I hate throwing terms out there but have you ever looked at co ersive control? Im married to an adhder who has similar tendancies. Took us quite bit couples therapy to unpick it.

Leopardspota · 07/10/2025 10:11

Your husband has unrealistic expectations. He’s projecting his own feelings onto her - does he want to go out more? Is he unhappy in his friendships?

seeing her aunt and doing some bits at home doesn’t sound like an unhappy child, she knows her mind and wants to do her things.

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