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Original poster

To ask what you would do?Dd yr9 moving schools?

60 replies

FishersGate · 07/10/2025 09:46

Myself and husband are having huge problems on agreement with schools and its having a toll on dd13.

She is currently at an all girls yr9 co of e school. School is outstanding she is doing fine academically in higher cohort in year. However this year she has got quite down friendship wise. The school is 10min drive away and lots of her friends live spread everywhere however some are also local. Her best friend who she went through primary with is in her form but tbh they have been having issues for some time. I feel thr friendship has run its course.

DD has also recently been referred for OCD and anxiety issues. Most of these outside od school. She hasn't had the best home life for 2 years after my DH lost mil it was a extremely difficult time couple with the fact that myself and DH have been on the verge of separating.

DH has always hate the all girls school element school is great pastoral and they have been great helping with issues. He thinks DD should move has seen a change in her she isn't bubbly, doesn't like school (she says not the school just school) nagging to do homework etc and she isn't having a social life outside of school. She plays football at weekends and trains twice a week plus martial arts. Non school related.

She sees a couple of boys who's she is friends with outside of school too.

DH wants to move her to local academy 10 mins walk. Its large fab facilities. Not as good academically and has some behavioural issues but is local and mixed cohort. He says this will be better she's better around boys and easier to be out at weekends etc etc.

Myself and DH can't agree. DD said she doesn't want to go to local school but I am not sure if this because she is worried about the unknown and making friends rather than not wanting to leave her current school. She is fully aware that DH doesn't like her current school and feels she can't be happy there as she knows dad doesn't like it and he is vocal about it.

DH spends a lot of time generally nagging at he about texting meeting friends etc as I think he thinks she should be out all the time etc etc.

I disagree and think lots of it is teenage stuff and finding her feet. But I also now feel drained as I am sure poor DD is and just think we should move schools so we dont DH bringing up the school every week.

We are waiting for a call from hear of y9 at current school. The pastoral at current school thinks DD should have a couple of sessions of 1 2 1 prior to moving as any move could also make her ocd anxiety worse.

I am completely drained and dont know what to do for the best as I am obviously concerned about her GcSEs too.

OP posts:
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Original poster
FishersGate · 08/10/2025 15:20

Araminta1003 · 08/10/2025 09:39

OP so does your DH want her to change schools to make it easier with your DS joining said school in a couple of years time? Surely she can switch at Sixth Form, if that is what she wants then?

No he thinks school is making her miserable but no evidence of that in school just friendship issues with one girl. I dont see how moving her will help when she likes the school teachers. Dh feels if she was happier she would be more proactive with homework etc at a school. I think the constant negativity around school has worn her mind down and it needs to stop

OP posts:
Original poster
FishersGate · 08/10/2025 15:18

Tiswa · 08/10/2025 09:03

How is he with your son? Can you talk to him

No hes 9 unfortunately!

OP posts:
Original poster
FishersGate · 08/10/2025 15:17

Hoppinggreen · 08/10/2025 09:50

DH could never understand DD's friendship issues at school
He was very "well why doesn't she just ........." or similar. He was basing it on the fact that he grew up in a village 30 years ago when he and his mates would play football on the village green - bloody clueless. Y9 female friendships can be a bit brutal though, at my DCs school they put measures in place before there were even issues as it was so well known
I DO agree with him on the single sex thing though, I am not a fan, although it can work for some
Having said that though if she wants to stay put then I think you should both respect that.

To be honest friendships issyes are happening with her friends at mixed cohort schools so I am not sure grass is greener. Its a whole mix of things work is getting harder. Options coming up. She has friends in school but not always to meet outside as all live everywhere! But if she gets an invite we make it work.

I am not sure what DH wants he moans about her happiness and sparkle etc but at same time is nagging and being negative about school so she can't win.

She isn't separated or not mixing with boys

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 08/10/2025 09:50

DH could never understand DD's friendship issues at school
He was very "well why doesn't she just ........." or similar. He was basing it on the fact that he grew up in a village 30 years ago when he and his mates would play football on the village green - bloody clueless. Y9 female friendships can be a bit brutal though, at my DCs school they put measures in place before there were even issues as it was so well known
I DO agree with him on the single sex thing though, I am not a fan, although it can work for some
Having said that though if she wants to stay put then I think you should both respect that.

Araminta1003 · 08/10/2025 09:39

OP so does your DH want her to change schools to make it easier with your DS joining said school in a couple of years time? Surely she can switch at Sixth Form, if that is what she wants then?

Frogs88 · 08/10/2025 09:38

Listen to your daughter. Of course there’s going to be a change from primary to secondary - she’s become a teenager! Tbh it sounds like DH needs to stop pressuring her to socialise if she doesn’t want to and stop openly talking negatively about her school. For a child that is already struggling with anxiety I don’t think starting a secondary school half way through is a good idea - friendship groups are normally quite fixed at that age.

Tiswa · 08/10/2025 09:03

How is he with your son? Can you talk to him

Original poster
FishersGate · 08/10/2025 06:29

Tiswa · 07/10/2025 23:37

What is your relationship like with him because he does sound as if it is his way or the highway and is t accepting of his daughter as she is - which is damaging

Currently very broken mainly due to parenting as well which isn't helping either of our children

OP posts:
Tiswa · 07/10/2025 23:37

What is your relationship like with him because he does sound as if it is his way or the highway and is t accepting of his daughter as she is - which is damaging

Original poster
FishersGate · 07/10/2025 23:35

Tiswa · 07/10/2025 14:58

But he has to because it looks as if he may well be a huge part of what is causing her stress

it isnt easy but it is necessary

I think he is a huge part of stress and she seeks his approval all the time

OP posts:
Original poster
FishersGate · 07/10/2025 20:54

YouForgotToTurnItOff · 07/10/2025 14:35

Listen to DD. Your DH frankly doesn't know what it feels like to be a teenaged girl and the stresses that go with it. Without giving him a lecture on feminism he isn't likely to suddenly see she might find going out all the time stressful, particularly with OCD.

I think this too.

OP posts:
Tiswa · 07/10/2025 14:58

But he has to because it looks as if he may well be a huge part of what is causing her stress

it isnt easy but it is necessary

YouForgotToTurnItOff · 07/10/2025 14:44

FishersGate · 07/10/2025 12:33

I have explained this and I also feel it won't automatically solve the problems he thinks she has!! It won't make her gain a social life locally etc. She plays football for a mixed and girls team outside of school

Show quote history

The irony is though that many girls in all girls schools do sports and subjects traditionally seen as boys domain BECAUSE they feel less embarrassed to give it a go in an all girl environment. There are a lot of studies on STEM showing girls do better without boys in the room, and some looking at sports too. You might want to show your DH that as she may not feel as happy if she is being watched by boys in PE for example.

YouForgotToTurnItOff · 07/10/2025 14:35

Listen to DD. Your DH frankly doesn't know what it feels like to be a teenaged girl and the stresses that go with it. Without giving him a lecture on feminism he isn't likely to suddenly see she might find going out all the time stressful, particularly with OCD.

Original poster
FishersGate · 07/10/2025 14:31

AlphaApple · 07/10/2025 14:20

It sounds like your husband has an idea of what your DD "should" be like. In fact, she is her own person and not a cookie-cutter teenage girl.

Friendships can change dramatically in year 9. My DD (year 13) doesn't have any of the same friends from her early secondary years, but she still has plenty of friends.

Many dads struggle at this age with their children, daughters in particular, as they transition from their little girls to young women.

I would have firm words with you H to stop dissing the school in her earshot. There doesn't seem to be enough If she does move and the issues are worse then he will be to blame.

I have said this to him and I agree I don't think he is coping with her growing up! Needing to make her own decisions!

OP posts:
Mauvehoodie · 07/10/2025 14:26

You (well, your DH) can't move a 13 year old's school when they don't want to move and the current school is academically better. I think maybe it'd help if your DH butted out and stopped criticising her choices. It can't help her feel settled at school if he's constantly pushing another option.

I'd say to DH give it full support till Easter at current school with no mention of moving, full support and no criticism, get school to move her class so she's away from the old friendship that's not working anymore and then see where things are at Easter time.

TheGrimSmile · 07/10/2025 14:24

I think you should also look at separating from your dh. You dd is probably picking up on all the tension. He sounds like a bully.

AlphaApple · 07/10/2025 14:20

It sounds like your husband has an idea of what your DD "should" be like. In fact, she is her own person and not a cookie-cutter teenage girl.

Friendships can change dramatically in year 9. My DD (year 13) doesn't have any of the same friends from her early secondary years, but she still has plenty of friends.

Many dads struggle at this age with their children, daughters in particular, as they transition from their little girls to young women.

I would have firm words with you H to stop dissing the school in her earshot. There doesn't seem to be enough If she does move and the issues are worse then he will be to blame.

TheGrimSmile · 07/10/2025 14:18

If she doesn't want to move then absolutely not. Even if she wanted to, I'd think twice in year 9, but given that she doesn't want to then no.

Original poster
FishersGate · 07/10/2025 14:15

Araminta1003 · 07/10/2025 13:02

OP is she a single child and taking the brunt of your relationship issues? I would go to family therapy.
The school she is at sounds fine to me, she is doing enough activities, academics gets more serious in Year 9, many kids are a bit unhappy in Year 9 anyway (hormones, changes, more homework), some kids do far better in sets where they are top rather than middle in a higher set.

No we have a son in year 5 we dont have the same choice for him and he will be going to thr nearest academy.

She is in the upper tier of set c but enjoying maths more!

OP posts:
Araminta1003 · 07/10/2025 13:02

OP is she a single child and taking the brunt of your relationship issues? I would go to family therapy.
The school she is at sounds fine to me, she is doing enough activities, academics gets more serious in Year 9, many kids are a bit unhappy in Year 9 anyway (hormones, changes, more homework), some kids do far better in sets where they are top rather than middle in a higher set.

Tiswa · 07/10/2025 13:00

Does she want that level though? My two are v different - DD loves to be busy going out doing stuff etc activities 3 times a week sees friends over the weekend does stuff with me etc holidays does things most days with people
DS loves being at home - lots of friends he could do stuff with but doesn’t want to. Does nothing in the week and in the holidays maybe does something once a week and that can just be with his sister

mumonthehill · 07/10/2025 12:54

Yr9 is s really tricky age to move as if she changes she will go into established friendship groups and this can be hard. Your dh is definitely projecting his beliefs on to her. Friendships often get hard at this age and yr 9 is an odd year for them as they think about starting GCSEs. I would not rush to move her if she is happy. Not every dc wants to be out with friends, she may not quite be ready for so much social stuff. My ds really was not until yr12 when he seemed to enjoy it more and was out much more.

Beamur · 07/10/2025 12:47

These are fairly typical and not unexpected issues for a teenager.
Friendship issues are very common at this age and can be demoralising, but you can't rely on a set of friends not to change. They are all growing up and maturing and finding that friendships come and go.
Moving school is no guarantee of bringing happiness and it doesn't sound like school is actually the problem.
OCD added into this is hard - my DD also has OCD so I sympathise.
I'd listen to your DD and try and stop your DH in projecting what he thinks teen lives should look like. Very very many of them are not constantly out socialising, a lot of social contact happens online.

SalamiSammich · 07/10/2025 12:37

Honestly, it sounds to me like he wants to split permanently and wants to untangle himself from the school fees element first.

I know that doesn't help you and its not advice, but I'd look to untangle that because this seems like the side issue you are focusing on as "the problem" but it isn't. And DD shouldn't even be involved in all of this imo.

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