For suggesting an open relationship?

OP, I became disabled at 40, about a year after DH and I got married. I am now 66 and my DH has looked after me the whole time, he's never been unfaithful, but, like you, in the first few years I felt that I was constantly holding him back, and also offered him the opportunity to leave, or have an open relationship, which like your partner, he swiftly declined. I've always said that if there's something he can do that I can't, then he should do it, but he refuses because he says he prefers to be with me, doing simple things, rather than away from me, wondering if I'm OK. Over more recent years, his health too has deteriorated, and so we now do our best to take care of each other. The best medicine we've found, is being able to laugh together. If you can do that, you can get through anything.

Also, if full intercourse is off the menu, there are other things you can do for each other, if you both want it, I'm assuming of course that I don't need to draw you a picture😂?

You've given him the option and he's not interested. Now start putting any energy you have into making the relationship the best it can be rather than trying to tear it apart.

‘Learn to be ok with it’….. that sentence alone is why your idea of an open relationship is stupid. You’re not ok with it so it will never work. He isn’t interested in an open relationship so maybe just start focusing on the things you can do together. Intimacy isn’t just sex

It sounds like you have a lovely DH. And you are being thoughtful about his needs/wants, if it was about sex.
However, agreeing to an open relationship means that he is still in a primary relationship with you, obviously, which is what you both want. If he is the 'relationship' type rather than the 'casual sex' type, then it's problematic because he's not available for a relationship and casual sex might not be his thing (nor finding it)
There's also the risk that getting into a sexual relationship might get out of hand and lead to the breakdown of your relationship.

OP You are belittling his feelings for you. Carry on and you will certainly drive him away, what a shame for your child - and for you all.

Don't push this. There is more to relationships than sex, continue to be caring and supportive, as he is with you.

You’re contributing!!!!! You’re a human being with feelings! Girl, you’re doing enough. Work on the intimacy if you can because I understand how that can lead to guilt and a disconnect but you are enough and it’s not your fault life threw you a curveball.

And he sounds like one of the very few good ones, do not throw that away.

My mum had a degenerative disease and my dad cared for her for the last 10+ years of her life. He was 53 when she died. He did it because he chose her and loved her and was committed to her. Obviously I have no insight into whether he had a sexual relationship with anyone else in that time, but knowing him I would guess not. It is hard to accept being dependent on someone, but it's also hard to be pushed away if you want to care for someone. Having a disability doesn't make you an unworthy partner - that's internalised ableism talking. Instead of focusing on what he's missing, focus on what he's getting - love, affection , care, companionship...Think of it this way - if the shoe were on the other foot, would you leave him?

This, why on earth would you keep on trying to get your partner to have sex with others.

Could you suggest couples counselling or counselling for yourself?

Your DP sounds like a good egg and it seems like it's the way you feel about yourself that's causing you to push him away.

Best of luck OP.

He might take you up on it, but you said you don’t want to know anything about it. Perhaps him being dismissive is all about protecting your feelings? You put it on the table, now let him take the offer - or not!, discreetly.

This is straight talking excellent advice OP & makes a lot of sense to me ..
Please read it a few times & take it on board x x

I think you are suggesting this because you feel guilty but, whilst sex is an important component of a relationship, it is love and shared values such as the responsibility for children that binds us.

Many men have to manage with limited sex from their wife's during illness, pregnancy, postpartum or post-operative recovery, menopause… it should never be the case that he is therefore justified in getting sex elsewhere.

I’d suggest some talking therapy/counselling to work on your feelings around being long term sick/disabled.

Stop doing his thinking for him, get on with your life and leave him to his own thoughts, it cant be that hard to work out he os not your puppet but his own person

OP you've put the offer out there. Let it drop. He doesn't want to have an open relationship.

He loves you and doesn't want anyone else. Just accept it. You'd probably be devastated if he left. I'm sorry for your health problems. X

You’re disabled, not dead! Assumedly you’re still a good person and have all the traits you had when you met. This is not the answer! It would only work if you both wanted it - no issues with people doing this personally. But, you’re doing it because you feel guilty so I can almost guarantee is isn’t actually what you want and then you would likely be resentful. Spend your time thinking about how you can improve your current situation now he’s said no. Could you be more intimate? There’s more than one way to skin a cat if you get what I’m saying? Could you get source some care form outside the home? Could you have a small income from something you are able to do? Just something to make you feel more confident that you’re contributing? I know these things aren’t easy by the way but I’m trying to be constructive. He has told you he doesn’t want anyone else which is great so have a really hard think and talk about how you can make things easier for him and yourself.

This never ends well. Seems to me the problem is you don't feel worthy of him. There are lots of ways mumsnetters can suggest to help with that, if it's the case?

If you are able to l would recommend getting some counselling to help you come to terms with your disability. I have a disability too I know it's not easy, but don't push away someone who loves you because of your own self hatred 💐

Crazy thought here, maybe he loves you and is committed?