DD’s dad’s partner at my child’s autism assessment

The point of the parent meetings at autism assessments is to ask a bunch of questions around behaviours, when certain things started, milestones etc. If she’s not there important information - things she’s observed when the dad was at work - could be missed.

it is in your child’s interest she’s there.

Also many dads just struggle to remember details around milestones and dates etc so he may also need backup.

His wife is your child's stepmum. She helps child's dad care for her when she's at theirs. She treats his child as her own, with kindness, care and attention.

She's now pregnant - yet she's still giving some time to support her husband and child through what most be a difficult and upsetting process.

She'll need to learn as much as she can about autism to understand and help care for your daughter.

And as she's having a baby with a man who already has one potentially autistic child, this is wise.

She sounds great. And of course she's doing it on purpose - on purpose to support her husband and your child. She seems to know DC better than her own father does.

You on the other hand - don't. Whatever you may say, you sound jealous and you're the one looking down your nose at a woman who is taking on huge responsibilities to please the man she loves.

Incidentally I have little time for men who take a child 50/50 - and then bugger off doing anything but the parenting and leaving those duties to wife, girlfriend, mother ... 🤷‍♀️

OP, your DD’s dad and his wife probably think it’s odd your fiancé isn’t involved and you’d rather take your mother to the appointment. After 3 years of being engaged why isn’t he more invested in your daughter? Do you live with your mum rather than your fiancé?

OP you need to get out of your own way. You will always be her mum, but this about what is best for your DD. The fact she is going to this appointment has no impact on you at all, other than the distress you are causing yourself. it has a positive impact on your child.

If may be time to take a step back and ask yourself why an involved supportive step mum is causing you such anguish.

Really couldn’t get stressed about this - the step mum should be there based on what you’ve told us.

Of course she is doing it on purpose - to help her step-child. Stop being bitter.

So it's weird that your DDs step mum of 6 years and very involved with your DDs care to go, but not weird that your Mum who has been involved for the same amount of time goes? Step parents just can't win. She sounds like an involved step parents and you sound bitter and jealous. YABVVU.

Doing it on purpose with a view to what? To involving herself in DD's support? Or to undermining you?

I can understand and sympathise with your feeling that she is muscling in on your territory, but given the set-up - where, by the sound of it, she is DD's primary carer when your DD is staying at her Dad's house - I don't see how she can avoid doing so. She is involved, and she probably has more to contribute to the conversation than Dad has.

To support your daughter you're going to have to work out some kind of united approach everyone is comfortable with. No one can say it will be easy or fun, but it is necessary.

Ok well I don't really see the issue then. If anything it's a good thing as it will provide more evidence. I think your stance around her not attending anything re your dd and your partner not attending anything either is a little odd when they're both very involved in your child's day to day life.

With his wife, of 4 years. And soon to be mum of OP’s DD’s half sibling.

Maybe OP’s upset her DP isn’t as invested in her child as her DD’s step mum is.

Does he so extensively solo parent your DD? Why can't you just be grateful for her involvement? She is looking after your DD half of the time. I don't understand why you are so bitter about it.

Well of course she’s doing it on purpose- in order to assist the process & learn from it.

Children are not territory to fight over.

Your daughter has an important family relationship with this woman who is in effect her second mother. It is a really good thing she is going, & that she goes to school appointments.You should be glad she is committed & engaged. Believe me, it would be a lot worse for your daughter if she was otherwise!

I’d recommend thinking hard about why you had this reaction, where it comes from & who encourages it, & how you can stop this bitterness spreading conflict & sadness in your daughter’s life.

This is not necessarily a good thing. You will all live together if not already, and DD spends 50% of her time with you. Does your fiancee not interact with her at all? he should be doing what the step mother is doing. Is he going to continue being indifferent to her because, 'He understands it's not his kid'?

Why can you go with your mum but he can't go with his partner?

They're married! Like it or not, when she's with her dad, this woman will be as much a mum to your DD as he is a father.

I don't understand why you want to withhold this assessment from her when it should help her to understand and support your DD better.

I think you need to get to the bottom of why you feel this way...

She does most of the care while your daughter is with her dad - although she's not 'with' her dad as he's out working, she's with her stepmum. Your ex has insisted on two appointments since the marriage because to him it seems the most pragmatic way to organise things due to the fact that his wife is around more than he is. And it is, isn't it?

She is doing her best, it sounds to me, and it's not overstepping to want to know as much as possible so as to provide the best care possible. You won't want to hear this, but a bit of gratitude towards a woman who is doing her best for your kid might be in order, rather than complaining about her hard work and efforts.

Anyone who has care of a child should be party to relevant medical information. Schools, nurseries and childminders are. How can someone care for a child if they don’t know such important information about them? It’s fine to say ‘it’s not her kid’ but when she is being repeatedly trusted to be that child’s primary care giver then she should be trusted to have the child’s best interest at heart and she needs to know all the stuff!

It quite clearly is jealously.

Why wouldn’t you be anything other than happy and grateful that your daughter’s step mother wants to take an active and supportive role in her life.

Your daughter spends 50% of her life with this woman and she wants to make sure she’s up to date on everything she needs to know.

Whatever issues you have with dds step mum , it doesn't matter in this situation, your dds wellbeing should be your only consideration, not your personal feelings. Co parenting isn't easy but trust me you should be relieved that your dds step mum wants to help and clearly loves your dd.

Given her level of involvement in your child’s care, I’d have been worried if she didn’t want to get involved with the assessment. YABVU.

It doesn’t seem at all weird that she wants to go, she seems to be the main carer for dd in dds dad’s house. Can’t you reframe this to be glad she cares instead of pissed off she’s involved? If she didn’t care it would be so much worse, it doesn’t sound like your ex would suddenly flex everything and become a super present dad?

So why does it bother you so much? Is it the closeness to your child? Do you feel like she is trying to be a mum in contest to you? Do you feel she is overstepping? I can't quite figure out the issue you have with her.
She has been in your DD life for a significant period of time carrying out childcare tasks and presumably, being a kind and caring stepmum. You should be pleased you have someone who actually likes your DD and is prepared to be a big part in her life.

I don’t know, it really feels like overstepping to me. Or as a minimum, it is something which can be horribly weaponised. e.g.
”DH and I were at her Autism Assessment” whilst neglecting to mention that OP is at the other assessment and pushing OP out of the picture.
Fundamentally, NW has no right to any of the child’s personal medical information, and should recognize that. If there was specific information ex thought she could validly bring to the party then perhaps she could write it down.

OP when you examine your conscience on this does she use your child to belittle you? does she generally disrespect you as a mother? could she be described as “sharp elbowed”? If the answer tends to yes, then you are not unreasonable, but if the answer is more no, then maybe the problem is a bit with you.

Your dc's stepmother is actively involved in her care, and she is taking an active interest in your child. Your dc is very fortunate to have an engaged step parent like this - an extra adult who takes an active interest in her wellbeing and her development. It's a shame that you can't be pleased for her.

She clear is doing it on purpose. I’d hope the purpose would be to learn more about how you can all best support your DD. Take it from me, the more people on board the better. Try not to feel defensive, she is already a part of her life, that’s going to continue to be the case. You don’t need to be friends, but you don’t need to assume ill intentions either.

Good luck.