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Original poster

DD’s dad’s partner at my child’s autism assessment

384 replies

Desperatelyed · 07/10/2025 08:59

DD is 6 and going through the autism assessment.

me and her dad were never together but we have co parented well since she was born. When DD was 2, he married his now wife. I have no problem with her, but she looks down her nose at me.

DD is with her dad half the week, and half with me. Her dad usually works nights so his wife will get involved with getting my DD to bed etc, and she has picked her up from school. I think that’s an overstep in itself but nothing I can do.

his wife is now pregnant.

DD has parent interview coming up for her assessment. He requested 2 separate appointments, which they’ve allowed.

He told me that his wife will also be going to the appointment with him. I’m angry about this. It isn’t her child?

Dd dad argued with me and said his wife spends a lot of time caregiving to our DD so she should be there. Why would she even want to go ? Can I stop her?

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 07/10/2025 12:16

Desperatelyed · 07/10/2025 11:59

Partner is involved. He will watch dd if I’m working etc. but he understands that she has a dad and doesn’t intrude on stuff.

we’ve had arguments in the past because she has inserted herself into sports days because they’ve trained dd to say she wants her there

oh come on. who wouldn't want to go to sports day? If his wife looks after her regularly why wouldn't she want her there?

Why are you doing this to your daughter? don't make her feel uncomfortable for caring and enjoying her relationships with other significant adults in her life?

my niece gets about 15 different friends and family at her sports day! Its great to see all the people who care about her and are cheering her on to win.

MayaPinion · 07/10/2025 12:14

How is she making out you’re a shit mum?

SerafinasGoose · 07/10/2025 12:12

How typical that the wife should be more involved in the care of your child than her own father. Were I in this position I think I'd save my annoyance for him.

Southshore18 · 07/10/2025 12:12

Desperatelyed · 07/10/2025 12:11

Why should she go to assessments, parents evenings, sports days, be there for Christmas etc. and all whilst making out in a shit mum

she is parenting her half of the time. Just as much as you. She is an integral part of your DD's life.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 07/10/2025 12:12

Desperatelyed · 07/10/2025 11:59

Partner is involved. He will watch dd if I’m working etc. but he understands that she has a dad and doesn’t intrude on stuff.

we’ve had arguments in the past because she has inserted herself into sports days because they’ve trained dd to say she wants her there

Or maybe your DD genuinely wants her there.

PizzaPowder · 07/10/2025 12:12

Desperatelyed · 07/10/2025 11:59

Partner is involved. He will watch dd if I’m working etc. but he understands that she has a dad and doesn’t intrude on stuff.

we’ve had arguments in the past because she has inserted herself into sports days because they’ve trained dd to say she wants her there

You're being utterly ridiculous now. Have you even read the replies here? Try and take them in.

Southshore18 · 07/10/2025 12:11

I really don't understand why you posted. literally every single poster told you you are unreasonable. Anyone else would take a moment and reflect. Instead you post increasingly bitter and childish responses. What the point of this whole thread for you? and sorry it didn't go your way!

Original poster
Desperatelyed · 07/10/2025 12:11

Why should she go to assessments, parents evenings, sports days, be there for Christmas etc. and all whilst making out in a shit mum

OP posts:
Namechagergamechangwr91 · 07/10/2025 12:06

Desperatelyed · 07/10/2025 11:59

Partner is involved. He will watch dd if I’m working etc. but he understands that she has a dad and doesn’t intrude on stuff.

we’ve had arguments in the past because she has inserted herself into sports days because they’ve trained dd to say she wants her there

OP your just going to have to accept that she's a big part of your childs life. It is what it is. It doesn't sound like she's mean or rude to your DD, sounds like she's really involved and actively wants to support her

YABU. You need to put aside any feelings you have about this woman and focus on what's best for your DD. 3 adults who love and support her? What a lucky girl

Ponderingwindow · 07/10/2025 12:03

An autism assessment heavily involves the adults most closely involved in caring for the young child. Your priority should be an accurate assessment. That means the questions being answered by the person who actually spends time with the child. It doesn’t matter that she is not the parent.

katepilar · 07/10/2025 12:02

Desperatelyed · 07/10/2025 09:09

It’s separate appointments, so I will go with my mum. And DD dad will go with his partner.

just seems weird that she’d want to go, I feel like she’s doing it on purpose

What do you mean by "on purpose"?

Namechagergamechangwr91 · 07/10/2025 12:02

LemonLass · 07/10/2025 09:03

You can object unless she has parental responsibility eg court order (maybe married status but check)

I would question yourself why you wouldnt want someone who is 50/50 living with your child involved in their care. I can understand from an ego point of view or if exDP was controlling. What is the worst that can happen?

On the flip side, 3 adults at one appointment is highly unusual. Are there enough seats is a practicality that comes to mind? It is not a circus and your child may feel uncomfortable if potential conflict (and divided loyalties)

I read it as two separate appointments. One for OP and one of Ex and his partner. There are usual 2 proffesionals in the room, one asking questions one taking notes

They don't do the assessments infront of the adults either they ask the parents to wait in a waiting too.

I can't see a child feeling uncomfortable about divided loyalities in this scenario as it's not about the parents at all. It's about what the parents have noticed about the child's behaviour ect

MayaPinion · 07/10/2025 12:02

Why on earth would you want to exclude her? She lives with your daughter and clearly cares for her. Why wouldn’t you want her to have insight into your daughter’s condition so she can best support her? The world is a hard place. The more people supporting, loving, and caring for your daughter the better. Unless you have safeguarding concerns you need to let her father parent her on his time as he sees fit, and that includes bringing with him a supportive, trusted, partner. It’s a shame you need separate appointments - it’s just means your DD will have to go through the process twice.

MightyDandelionEsq · 07/10/2025 12:01

Desperatelyed · 07/10/2025 11:59

Partner is involved. He will watch dd if I’m working etc. but he understands that she has a dad and doesn’t intrude on stuff.

we’ve had arguments in the past because she has inserted herself into sports days because they’ve trained dd to say she wants her there

Kindly, you sound quite bitter that your DD may in fact like the woman she spends half her week with.

MeEspresso · 07/10/2025 12:01

Desperatelyed · 07/10/2025 11:59

Partner is involved. He will watch dd if I’m working etc. but he understands that she has a dad and doesn’t intrude on stuff.

we’ve had arguments in the past because she has inserted herself into sports days because they’ve trained dd to say she wants her there

Just stop. No one's trained her to want them there. She is her own person and has her own autonomy.

i get it's not nice but at some point you have to let go and get over the jealously.

she has people that want to be involved with her care and achievements. It's not on you to diminish that.

MightyDandelionEsq · 07/10/2025 12:00

You should be going as a group to be honest. So you can hear how DD is doing between the two houses instead of this immature separation of care.

If you can take your mum; your DDS dad can take his wife IMO as she’s a key part of DDS care. Welcome to blended families and compromise.

Original poster
Desperatelyed · 07/10/2025 12:00

My oldest child has a different dad, and his wife doesn’t get involved!

OP posts:
Original poster
Desperatelyed · 07/10/2025 11:59

Partner is involved. He will watch dd if I’m working etc. but he understands that she has a dad and doesn’t intrude on stuff.

we’ve had arguments in the past because she has inserted herself into sports days because they’ve trained dd to say she wants her there

OP posts:
Bearbookagainandagain · 07/10/2025 11:59

YABU, this is about your child, not you.

SalonDesRefuses · 07/10/2025 11:56

Desperatelyed · 07/10/2025 11:04

This is something else I don’t like tbh. She is always going to separate school appointments with DD dad. DD dad said from the start he wanted separate appointments for everything. So I just had to accept it.

also people trying to make out in jealous. I’m engaged to my fiance and have been for 3 years. So it’s not jealousy. he doesn’t come to parents evenings or anything with me coz he understands it’s not his kid

Show quote history

I think your soon to be husband should be more involved in your child's life.
You chose to bring this man into DC life and it sounds like he's not very involved.

Is that why you can't understand your DC step mum wanting to be involved? I think the way the Dad and his wife are doing it is far more healthy for your child.

beAsensible1 · 07/10/2025 11:52

Desperatelyed · 07/10/2025 11:04

This is something else I don’t like tbh. She is always going to separate school appointments with DD dad. DD dad said from the start he wanted separate appointments for everything. So I just had to accept it.

also people trying to make out in jealous. I’m engaged to my fiance and have been for 3 years. So it’s not jealousy. he doesn’t come to parents evenings or anything with me coz he understands it’s not his kid

Show quote history

they run their household differently to yours. And honestly for some reason most men need an emotional support woman to be active fathers. it's rubbish but reality for a lot of people.

its not a competition.

Daleksatemyshed · 07/10/2025 11:49

You may not be jealous Op but you clearly resent her DSM having any interest in your DD, would you be happier if she feed and bathed her and ignored her inbetween? If your DD has Autism then surely it will help if all the adults in her life can be on the same page

DaisyChain505 · 07/10/2025 11:48

Your issue is jealously and it seems to be made worse by the fact your own partner isn’t taking an active role in your child’s life.

oncemoreuntothebeachdearfriends · 07/10/2025 11:48

@Desperatelyed
Is DD's Dad the father of the older child as well ?
What happened at that assessment ?

Lalalol · 07/10/2025 11:39

I think the oddest thing about all this is your current partner not wanting to be involved

The person being the most selfless and mature seems to be the stepmum