DD’s dad’s partner at my child’s autism assessment

The child also has another parent who is involved and engaged and wants the best for his child. There is also going to be another half sibling-best that they treat her as fully belonging to the family rather than pretending the stepmother is nothing to do with her. Maybe if the OP didn’t want other random adults in her children’s lives ( 2 stepmothers and a further partner), she should have thought about that beforehand. Instead, she’s complaining that her child’s father is married to someone who cares about his daughter.

The OP and the father/step mum have the child for an equal amount of time. Half each, it says in the original OP

You keep beating your drum about mothers raising their children. That isn't what the OP is asking about? She's got 50/50...... it's really normal these days with split families..have you been living in the 1940's?

Think you're massively projecting here op how is her being an active part of your dd's life Painting you as a shit mum?

Sounds like she'd be able to make significant contributions to the assessment tbh

So fathers should only get to see their own children sporadically or never move on and meet anyone else?

She’s not a random lady off the streets, she’s the wife of the DD’s father.

Jesus. I’m glad my DSs mum doesn’t feel that way. It’s actually a lot easier when everyone is a willing participant. For everyone, including the children.

You have a warped view - dads have much rights as mums.

do you think a single mum who co parents with a dad should never have another relationship ? Or just dads.

Same.you might find a court disagrees with you. Most aim for 50/50 now. The days where Mums took priority are rightfully, long gone.

Yep. The issue isn't actually another lady being involved, the Step-Mum hasn't done anything wrong. The issue is the fact this lady is raising the OP's child. Why doesn't the child live with the OP consistently and see their Dad once in a while? No way would I allow my own child to be raised elsewhere by some other random lady unless I had no safe home to keep her in and even then that would be a desperate last resort.

I don't think the OP is horrible but I do think she should be raising her own child. She is the child's Mother after all.

I would want the person who spends half the time with my child involved in their wellbeing assessments and would not take it personally. Their input as they spend the evenings together may also be very important during this assessment. I know it is a tough pill to swallow but sometimes we have to do what is best for the kids.

I'm not going to agree with her that you're a shit Mum, as I don't know you, but a good Mum wants what is best for her child, which means as many people as possible showing up for them, supporting them and loving them, families working together to organise childcare the way that works best, and, with regard to medical/ neurodiversity assessments, anyone who may have important evidence or information, or might need advice and guidance in how to manage any difficulties the child might have to be engaged in the process.

If it bothers you that others don't perceive you as a good Mum, give that some thought.

Well, this, basically!

I imagine you'd be posting on here complaining bitterly if she were showing zero interest/concern/understanding/engagement with your DD's condition.....

It's a hugely stressful time for all of you but as has been said here, this woman is not your enemy and she's doing the best she can for your DD. Don't knock it, many people have a far, far worse dynamic to work with.

I suspect if your own DP wanted to be more active in your DD's life you wouldn't find it a problem.

Do you ever go on holiday with your own DP and DC all together?
Doesn't he ever interact with your DD?

I also wonder if your DD really likes her SM and you're finding that a problem.

You sound horrible tbh. Both of your children have blended families but the stepmother who wants to make a difference to your child’s life and be involved and interested is the bad guy? They haven’t ‘trained’ her to do anything-just asked her if she wanted them there. Try to think of what will benefit your child rather than pander to your ego.

What are you talking about? You've commented on a few other posters now making weird digs..... are you okay?

She helps care for your child, of course she should be involved.
Do you want your DD to get the help she needs?

Yep - both her parents 🤣🤣🤣

“They’ve trained DD” Seriously?

@Desperatelyed I don’t know what the real problem is here, but I am someone who has had a step mother, been a stepmother, and my DC have had two stepmothers, so I have seen all sides of this.

I will never forget or forgive how my mother tried to turn me against my DSM, who was absolutely lovely.

I will also never forget or forgive the first stepmother my DC had, who was really nasty to DS.

You should be grateful that your children have an understanding and interested stepmother, not sounding bitter and twisted about it all.

Are you concerned that her participation is throwing an unfavourable light on your own relationship? I can’t really understand why your mother is more involved with childcare than your DP? Unless you do not/and have no plans to live together?

You need to reframe your jealousy of this woman and see her in a far more positive light.

And please don’t demean yourself by suddenly drip feeding a load of stepmother misdemeanours at this point…

Life sounds pretty tough for you. Don’t make it harder.

Because she's part of your child's life. She will be the mother of your child's sibling. I understand you did not choose this situation and it's hard to have another woman involved like this, nobody starts out having kids intending to have to split their time between two homes and families. But this is the reality you have. The more you fight against it, the harder it will be, for you and everyone else. Accepting something doesn't mean you have to like it, but it allows you to try to start dealing with reality, instead of wanting things to be different, because that will only cause you more pain, and force your child into a loyalty bind where she doesn't feel free to love all the adults in her family equally. Stepmum might not be your kind of person, and you and her don't have to be besties. If she genuinely does want to try to make you out to be a shit mum, right now you are making that very easy for her with the attitude you're giving and appearing to put your dislike of her above your child's best interests.

Love isn't limited, OP. I'm a stepchild, my relationship with my SM hasn't always been easy, but one thing I'm grateful of is my mum never, ever made it harder or made me choose, or said bad things about her or my siblings. Having a stepfamily never made me love my mum any less. But I would have thought less of my mum if she'd centred herself and complained about it constantly.

If you're really struggling, maybe it's time to get some counselling so you have a safe space to talk about your feelings and find a way forward so you can find some acceptance and make peace with things not turning out the way you hoped.

This is so taboo. Well, at least someone cared for the child.

I think you are jealous, not about the ex and his wife but about the involvement she wants to have and your finance doesn't bother. So you pretend like its weird that step mum wants to be involved so it doesn't look weird that your fiance isn't involved.

How does she go about making you seem like a shit mom?

Is she actually making accusations that you are a shit mum? Or do you feel that way because she is actively involved?
I think you need to separate your feelings from the needs of your daughter. I'm assuming DD has a positive and caring relationship with her step mum who obviously loves her enough to bother with appointments and school events etc. What stepmum thinks of you, and you of her, isn't important as long as both parties are positive in front of DD. Like it or not, you have a coparenting relationship with this women. It's will be so much nicer and easier if you just accept that. It could be much worse. My friend had a stepmum who couldn't have had less interest in her and her sister from the ages of 5 and 7 until their late 30s. No affection, no presents on any occasions, no meals made, literally nothing. They were lucky if she acknowledged them and they lived in the same house. They basically didn't exist to her.

As in did her dad have her over night at 6 months old ? Yep because he was fully fledged adult who had just as much parenting rights as my self who was more than capable of changing her nappy and feeding her expressed milk - did the step mum move in at 6 months old- no.

I saw their post and couldn't make sense of it tbh 🤣

Your post was really nice to read, I don't know why she's then wrote this as if it's a negative 🤦‍♀️😅 your set up sounds lovely

Hopefully the OP reads your posts and keeps in mind this is where she's headed if she continues to let someone else raise her kid

Ah you've edited your post. How is she letting someone else raise her kid? The child has 2 parents and as far as I can see from the OPs posts the child enjoys a relationship with both of them.