DD’s dad’s partner at my child’s autism assessment

Courts don’t.

Go to any African country and say a baby was left overnight with someone who wasn't the child's Mother.

You don’t have the power to make these decisions because your child is not your possession. She is a living human being with two parents and if you were to split from your husband and he asked for 50/50 custody he would be entitled to it.

What has she actually done, as it sounds very much like you just dislike her?
It sounds great that she has been involved so much with your DD and takes care of her when her dad is at work. Would you rather she didn't bother to show an interest?

But as their Mum you should be the one at home nurturing them until they're ready for nursery or School looking after them, forming a secure bond the way nature intended. For instance, I am my daughter's best friend and she is mine. She loves her Dad and he is a great father to her but it isn't the same. We (Mothers) are attuned to their sleep cycle as babies and wake easily to their sounds, we breastfeed them and they are born from us, they seek us out over anyone else.

It would be fair enough not wanting her there if it was you and the child's dad, but you've asked for a separate appointment for each of you, therefore I don't think it's up to you who he takes to his with him.

She is involved in your child's life, whether you like it/her or not, so surely it makes sense that she's as involved as possible with anything that might have an impact in the future?

We had two parents and two sencos at my daughter’s appointment, plus the consultant and a speech therapist from his team. They can adapt the appointment to you as long as you make them aware of who you are bringing. I did not bring my daughter at the feedback stage due to age and development as I judged it better to explain to her myself in a quiet room.

@Allthatshines1992 parents are important. My DH is as important in DS's life as I am

Yes, your first assumption is correct. I view the role of the child's Mother as more important. As do most of the world.

I’m genuinely intrigued - why?

My only assumptions are that either you view the role of mother as more important somehow, or you believe men to be less capable of parenting?

Well that's unfortunate for the children who have to grow up in these situations. I felt old to have my daughter at 29, but when I see such threads I'm glad I waited to meet her Dad, who is very much committed to us and she won't have to grow up in the sort of set-up I had to or the set-ups a lot of people here describe.

Your choice of language betrays jealousy and bitterness that you continue to deny, yet here we are.

'Inserted herself'? She's in her own home, where your daughter spends half her time.

She supports her husband - who leaves her to do his parenting for him. He's not around because of his work choice - so does she leave an autistic child to put herself to bed and take herself to school? No, she does what is necessary to keep her safe and cared for while neither parent is there. Someone's got to do it. That's not inserting herself.

And the woman who does all this has developed a friendly relationship with a child who needs extra care - that's not training her to want her SM at sports day, that's forming nicely functioning relationships that your daughter recognises.

I think you've walked a difficult path, having children with two men including one you didn't have any relationship with, not living with your DD full time, and now having a partner who has zero interest in your child. It seems you've become defensive and prickly - and that's a shame because your daughter will pick up on your resentment.

I think your best move is to change the way you think about this woman, see her as an ally and a friend who's helping your child through difficult times. Because your daughter sees her as a friend and the new baby will probably help her feel more connected to her, through a new sibling who will make them actually related.

Please read what we're saying and stop lashing out.

Once you change how you think, how you feel and behave may well change too.

If he were to leave me our DC would live with me. I imagine he would see her one day a week out at an activity but with me present as she is only 3. I am not sure I would ever agree to overnights. Maybe I would agree once she'd get to about 10 years old. There certainly wouldn't be overnights right away or any of this 50-50 stuff. He would also accept this because he is traditional like I am. I know my take is quite different to most people's on this thread. But at least you don't just have an echo chamber.

@Desperatelyed

At least you dd has a father and his partner who want to be involved.

You seem really immature and care about yourself before your child's needs.

You've misunderstood the comment completely. The person is advocating for FATHERS in obnoxious block caps but I bet if this was a thread about donors they'd be the first one to say the guy raising the kid was the father. The donor would be the real father.

So if your husband finds himself a new housewife, he won’t be allowed to see his daughter?

Pleasant.

The law says different.

My first pregnancy was the result of sexual abuse so yeah, this shaped my view for sure but I think also growing up with parents who dated and married other people and being around that mess contributed (actually living it from the child's perspective).

So when I grew up I had a child with someone I intended to marry and knew for years beforehand. No blended families for us. I believe this is best and yes, I have the final authority over anything to do with DC. Her father works and I am a housewife.

Involved parents aren’t sperm donors.

Are you always this vile?

I bet if this was an sperm and egg donor type thread you'd be saying the husband of the woman recieving donor eggs and sperm is the FATHER, instead of the donor.

@Desperatelyed you chose to have a child with someone you weren't in a relationship with, so right from the beginning your DD's life was going to be split between 2 families You have brought a stepdad into her life, like her dad has brought a stepmum in. Stepmum seems an involved caring person. Surely it is important she learns how to manage your DD and what adjustments may need to be made. Hopefully, your fiancé will also be interested in this.

It’s not something I would risk causing any conflict about. She wants to be a supportive stepmother and it sounds like she would have more knowledge of DD than DD’s father would. Your mum is with you for support and DD’s father has his wife there for support.

Dd needs every adult around her to be aware and involved.
Much better step mum is at appts

E aptly definitely jealous and controlling.
Just because your with a partner dosent mean you still can't be jealous.