DD’s dad’s partner at my child’s autism assessment

Time to put the emotions aside. Assessments are all about building a picture of what the child is like in different settings. Step mums input in this context is important because she spends time with your dd. Part of the assessment is family history etc. Better she attends so that the assessor can see all relationships

Ah, what an evil toad.

I'm saying not everywhere is the same. The care and upbringing of children are still often seen as a primary responsibility of the wife in other places, unlike in Britain.

For instance a 'proper woman' in African tradition has always been imagined within the context of the family; she is expected to accept marriage and have children because marriage is assumed to be the end goal. For instance in this context a 'proper' African woman is not concerned about trees and the environment; rather she is supposed to be concerned about her family and children. If she were to be concerned about trees, it would be in terms of firewood which she needs to provide fuel for her kitchen.

How does she make out you’re a “shit mum”?

What type of things does she say to imply this?

You need to give more context. Because at the moment you are sounding jealous and bitter. But if there is information missing then you absolutely need to give examples for us to have the full story.

I think you should thank her for being there for your child. She sounds like she has been a great parental figure.

In what way does she make you feel like a shit mum? She's been in DD's life for over half her life, is carrying DD's sibling and she does a lot of care for her. Isn't it a good thing that your DD has so many adults in her life that are looking out for her best interests and wellbeing?

its been like that from the start, it seems like he wanted to create quite clear boundaries between their two homes and that they parent separately. Probably as they were not together and didnt want to create the feeling or illusion that this a possibility

OP, I think it’s time to accept that your ex partners wife isn’t going anywhere. She has been in your daughters life for 4 years, she is her step mum, she is carrying your DDs sibling and she cares for her half the week.
The wife is one of your DD’s safe adults and surely it’s a good thing that she wants to be involved, it’s important for you all to be on the same page so you can all give your DD consistent care to support her, especially if the assessment finds your DD needs any occupational therapy or specialist equipment/specific ways to help her manage and cope.
Children with ASD need solid routines and consistency, you’d be doing your DD a disservice if you excluded the wife from all of this, you really need to think what’s best for her and try not to focus on how the wife makes you feel.

I think the assessment is a red herring because what you’re annoyed about is her doing the childcare when it’s ‘dads’ turn/time.
If you don’t want him to have 50:50 or you think this isn’t beneficial to your dd, you could seek some legal advice? Is the relationship between dd and her dad a good one? It depends on what is really in her best interests Xo

Is co-parenting that bad that you need separate appointments? And regardless sounds like she is there for good intentions and has helped raise her in periods when your ex hasn't been able to.

A child deserves and needs both parents equally. You don’t own your child. You raise them for 18 years giving them roots and wings preparing them to make their own life .

Nope. It is legally, abduction.

Both parents are responsible for the child, assuming you gave your husband parental rights and he’s on the birth certificate etc.

that would be very normal? Do you guys know any African women in real life? Not these national geographic noble savage versions you always talk about on here?

African women leave their babies at home/overnights from very young. usually maternal family is providing care or older siblings. if the baby is bottle fed then from very early other people will be providing overnights as in before 6 months.

We are not chained to babies in the same way you are in english culture. just because we believe in co sleeping and baby wearing doesn't mean the baby is clinically attached to us.

Nice exaggeration there

It's not kidnap, you are the child's Mother. Who do you think is responsible for the child if not their Mother?

Being a Mother is the most important job in the world.

I think it’s more unhealthy for your children to be your best friend.

My best friend isn’t an 8 year old.

They’re women in their 30s who drink gin with me while I complain about how tired I am.

You really are raising alarm bells .You’re not your daughters best friend and it really isn’t healthy to think you are. Her father had exactly the same right to exactly the same amount of access as you do. That’s the law.Children seek out both parents.

And you are the type of mother who give women a bad name when it comes to fathers not being able to see their children.

Youre putting your feelings before those of the child.

Do you really think that a child would be better off kidnapped and taken out of the country they’ve know their whole lives and never seeing their father again rather than letting the child have both parents in their life.

Your child is not your possession.

Ah. You're assuming that fathers are always less caring than mothers then.

it's not a shame they couldn't have gone together. It's an assessment. It's actually more valuable to know how she presents in the different environments. With the main caregivers (not just 'parents').

You’d kidnap a man’s child before you gave him reliable access. I’ve ran out of benefit of the doubt. That’s unhinged.

Helping the child with the way forward after a ADHD diagnosis is a team effort, everyone being involved and engaged will really help DD.

Can you turn it round in your head and put your DD at the centre of your thoughts? This other woman is parenting the child of her partner as well as she can. She is investing in that relationship so your DD has a better time in their home. Could you think of her as a partner in this? Your DD can clearly benefit from this behaviour which looks quite loving to me. You know the saying it takes a village to raise a child. Maybe just accept it as a gift for your child?

PLEASE come back and update us if you do ever break up as it will be hilarious to watch it play out.

I do and I would. I chose to have a child with the type of man who would accept this and not take me to court. If I was unfortunate enough to be with a man who left me and then tried to take me to court for 50-50 custody I would get on a plane to another country with DC and not return.