DD’s dad’s partner at my child’s autism assessment

It seems that some of us have made the grave mistake of thinking that Africa is a large and diverse continent with women and men with a wide range of beliefs and goals in life when actually, @Allthatshines1992 has met every woman in Africa and knows they all think the same and prize child-rearing above all other occupations.

It's OK, you can come and join me in the toad pond while you think about what you've done.

I think because she’s so involved in your child’s life, her experiences with your child could be very important when they are gathering evidence. Her dad could explain it on her behalf but she will still be a hugely relevant person in it all whether she’s there at the meeting or not. And also her not being there might mean your ex forgets to mention things which would be a shame when you’re trying to build a true picture of your child’s life / struggles / behaviours etc..

Correct.

Nevertheless, you appear to have given misinformation - unless I'm misunderstanding and you're African?

If I worked nights (which is the example in the OP) and the other parent was available and willing to care for them (which I presume in the absence of other information), no, I would not use grandparents, nursery; holiday club for my child.
My child’s other parent would be asked first.

It seems quite bizarre to insist on having a child 50:50 when you are not able to look after them yourself.

Your question about grandparents, after school etc is disingenuous given the context, but taking it at face value, if I or my child’s father was available, then no, I would not use one of the childcare options you list, to be clear. I certainly would not expect a partner to do this week in week out.

It's okay to disagree. You can (and should) live your own life as you want to even if it is different to how I would choose to live. It is your life after all.

I would commend them as wonderful people. I love people who adopt.

What’s in the best interests of your child is what you need to ask yourself.

@Allthatshines1992 I'm adopted so where do my adoptive parents fit in your world?

@TalulaHalulah so you would never use grandparents, nursery, holiday club for your child?

Because she's putting the child's needs first and ensuring the child is properly cared for, even though the dad is a slacker and it's not her child? OP's problem is with the deadbeat ex, not his new partner, who sounds too good for him. She should direct her anger at the right target.

Well said.

Oh I will always be there to support her in whatever she does, unconditionally. I will nurture and accept her because I love her more than anyone or anything.

Well, no, if my child’s dad was insisting on 50:50 and not doing the care himself, I would be asking for my DD to stay with me as her actual parent, not being grateful to someone else for picking up his slack. Why would you be grateful to someone who is enabling her other parent to not parent?

You said it yourself - your dd is with her half the week. No, it's not her child - but she's doing a lot of the work of caring for a child that isn't hers. Maybe be a bit more grateful?

The police and foreign office both disagree. I did Google it.

Step PARENT is PARENTING. Not sure why we’re shouting it, but it is.

Ooh I can imagine. I guess that because me and my ex have such a smooth co-parenting situation, to the point where I have never even met his wife and me and him barely interact apart from texts about our son here and there and the odd meeting for school/health ect, I didn't think if it like that. My ex and I can be civil enough to not need separate meetings but if I couldn't attend, I wouldn't care if his wife came with him instead. The drama with certain step parents I can imagine!

What about the grandmother?

As I said previously, it's not unusual for a step-parent to attend parents' evenings at school.

If the step-parent has been hands on, then it's very natural. The only time that I've found meetings with step-parents to be awkward has been on those very few occasions when a parent has brought a brand-new step-parent to a meeting - it's a rare occurrence, but it's happened. (I worked in secondary.)

The one that really made me uncomfortable was when a senior pupil had exploded in distress during class: the parent was in the middle of obtaining a church annulment for the first marriage in order to keep the new spouse happy.

I had to see one parent on their own and then the soon-to-be happy couple. Given the impact on the pupil, I found the second meeting very difficult.

She lives with your daughter 50% of the time and provides care for her. Why shouldn't she be there?
You clearly don't like her. In what way does she make out that you are a poor mum?

No it’s not, not if the parent withholding the child, is named on the child’s birth certificate. I speak from bitter experience, Google it!

I mean, I co-parent with my ex, we don't hang meet or share birthdays with our son. But every important assessment, doc appointment or school meeting/event we have always gone together and he has never brought his wife. I wouldn't care if she and him went seperatley together if I was unable to, but we have never needed to do so. Understandable though!

I agree OP, it’s absolutely nothing to do with her! It’s called the PARENT meeting for a reason. The double standards on mn always amazes me! When people post anything about their step children and regarding having any responsibilities towards them, everyone says that’s ridiculous and that these kids aren’t the OP’s problem etc etc. Then you post this and suddenly everyone is saying she has a right to be there and to stick her nose in!

I think there are several issues to unpick here.

Firstly, and what you asked about, is whether a woman who provides a lot of care relatively speaking, should be at your DD’s autism assessment. I would say yes, because you want as full a picture as possible, especially as you say you are all on the same page about the need for this assessment. Your mum is going and I cannot imagine that she provides as much care as it sounds like your DD’s stepmother does.

Secondly, is the question why your ex has 50:50 when he cannot provide the care himself? This would irk me because DD would be better with her actual parent than a step parent. However, this is a different question. It never fails to amaze me that men find willing women to take over childcare for them.

Thirdly, that they are making out you are a shit mum, again a separate issue as long as they don’t take this into the ASD assessment.

You used the word 'taboo' - and then told me to look at how a child not being with the mother would be viewed in Africa. Another poster who seems much more knowledgeable about these matters than us has actually pointed out that your take on the situation is wrong.

You’re a tradwife. I worry for your child and your toxic enmeshment as they strike out into independence