DD’s dad’s partner at my child’s autism assessment

I could ask why does your mum need to go?

More sensibly, I seriously doubt she is doing it for anything other than genuine reasons. She spends a lot of time with your DD and she is well placed, probably better than DD’s dad to share relevant information at the appointment. Ultimately this is about getting the best for your DD and therefore it’s important the input comes from people who spend a lot of time with her. I imagine her step mum really cares about her and wants the best for her. It’s about DD and not you

She parents as much as you do and more than DD’s dad does. Of course her insight is necessary and welcome. Love your daughter more than you resent her step mum.

Doing it on purpose? To annoy you? Think again. Who actually wants to go to an autism assessment when it's not your child? I will tell you: someone who cares for your child. Please take that in.

My DS is autistic. They will need all information about your DD- and who is it that actually takes care of her when she's at her dad's? His wife. Why it's even more important that she goes than him because she is the actual caretaker.

Try to let your emotions aside and focus on your DD. Isn't it lovely that she has got another person who cares for her in her life? Would you prefer if your ex wife didn't care at all for your DD? Personally I would thank her for her implication and for being a stable person in your DD's life. You have to love your child more than you dislike ex/ex new partner.

It sounds like she parents just as much as you do.

I’ve been through this assessment recently. There are so many questions about the child’s behaviour. He works nights, so how would he answer questions about bedtime and how she sleeps? You also can’t answer how your daughter behaves at these times when she’s at her dad’s house. So, while I get why you feel protective, yes I do think it is appropriate for her to attend.

Sounds like she provides a lot of care for your child, arguably more than her dad does in their home, so it makes total sense to have her there.

Of course she is doing it on purpose but I doubt the purpose is to annoy you. The purpose will mostly likely be to support her DP and offer her insight to help her step child recieve the correct diagnosis.

On purpose? What do you mean?

No. It isn't weird, if she's doing a lot of the parenting. I'd be more annoyed that your ex is leaving that to her than with her for doing it, actually.

If your argument for her not going is that nobody who isn't a parent should go, your mum shouldn't either.

You are being petty. Stop it. Your child getting the best assessment possible is what matters here, making sure the professionals have all the information they need to come to the right conclusion. That means all adults regularly involved in the care of a child have potentially got useful information to give, and they won't care if one of those adults doesn't like the other. Grow up and put your child first, that's what we have to do as parents.

She’s not doing accidentally is she? She’s doing it to help the child she’s helping to raise, who spends half the week with her and who she no doubt takes care of more than the child’s father. I think your oh is courteous to ask for separate appointments, I wouldn’t see the problem in them attending yours? You have a very toxic way of viewing things

What do you mean by on purpose? To annoy you? Maybe but then the best thing to do would be to ignore her and then she won't get the reaction.
you can't control what happens at dads house or who he chooses to bring to appointments (I am really not judging because this is something I struggled with too but nothing good comes from it)
if dad said he didn't want your mum to go, would you agree?

Is your Mum "doing it on purpose" too?

You are being a bit nuts over this. They need to collect the best picture of your DDs needs and behaviour possible. If her step-mum spends time caring for her then she should provide information also. My sister attended my DDs autism assessment with me as she also looks after DD when I am working.

You should give your head a wobble and be delighted your DD has 3 loving engaged adults to support her.

Well, she is doing it on purpose. She is going to support her husband and learn about his child who she looks after a lot. You won't be at the same appointment, so how will she be able to piss you off? You won't even be there.
Pick your battles. This isn't one.

She will be very useful at the assessment as they want information from people who spend time with your child and clearly she spends a lot of time with your child.

this can only benefit your child.

It sounds like it's reasonable for her to attend, thinking about what's best for your child, a positive relationship with her step mother is in her best interests and it sounds like that's what she has.

Yeah, got to agree with others. She sounds like the one you are coparenting with, not your ex. As this affects DD who is being parented half the time by her step mum I absolutely think she should be there and that’s in DD’s best interest.
The only thing against her you’ve said is that you feel she looks down at you. That sounds like your problem, not DD’s. If her step mum cares for her and treats her well (and wanting to be present at the assessment shows she’s paying more than just lip service to caring for your daughter) then you need to put your insecurities aside focus on what is best for you daughter.

of course she is going on purpose (and for a good reason). Is your mum going 'n purpose' too?

You sound about 12 and not like a grown up woman who is a mother. Seriously, give your head a wobble.

Doing what on purpose? Being involved in her step-daughters care?

Catch yourself on OP

Do they have an issue with the assessment taking place? My ex was very against any assessment to the point where ds teacher told senco no education psychologist was needed ds was fine according to dad i was "over reacting" (in the September when the previous year report said the opposite) by the end of the school year she had managed to teach him one single letter out of 26 senco was replaced and the incoming senco couldn't believe they had fucked up so badly

Anyway he is in a special school now

Separate your emotions from the practicalities. This woman does a huge amount of caring for your dd so its essential she has all the info to do the best job possible. I get it, I would hate it too, but you have to suck this one up as its in the best interests of your child.

Think of it as your daughter being lucky she has 3 people who want to be very involved in her care. Her step-mum sounds like a good egg.

This is about your daughter, and makimg sure the right information is available for the assessment. If his wife is spending a lot of time looking after her when she is there, her insight may help with that.

I used to work in CAMHS as an ed psych and I did assessments. I'd have told any parent that had a gripe like this to put it aside and put the child's interests first, as the assessment is about them, not the parents.

This would all depend, for me, on how dd gets on with her. If she likes her and sees her as an important adult I think it's great for her to have 3 of those. I realise it's never that simple when emotions are involved. It's unlikely that she's going to cause a problem at an autism assessment isn't it? Or are you worried that she will sabotage it for some reason?