DD’s dad’s partner at my child’s autism assessment

Doing what on purpose?! Caring for your child?! Who she takes care of for half the week?!

Jesus step-mums cannot do right from doing wrong!!!

No wonder she doesn't like you. She seems to like her stepdaughter though at least.

Surely your DD autism is going to have as much an effect on your DD fathers wife homelife as it is on your own. Her understanding and input is going to have a huge bearing on how things improve for your DD.

Or you could cut her out, deal with it between you and DD father and let this woman do most of the homecare without any knowledge of how to help.

Seems rather short sighted tbh

So your mum is ok to go but she isn’t!?? And it’s not even the same appointment. You’re being very silly! She’s not going to undermine you or take your place, she’s going because she loves your daughter as past of her family and to support her husband.

She might actually care about your DD and want the best possible outcome for her - isn’t this a possibility?

Its not all about you, it is about your child

I know a few separated parents who have been through this, they have to suck it up and go together, it gives the psychologist an insight into the dynamics.
Are you filling out two separate assessment forms, that is strange, instead of agreeing on the areas that need attention between you as parents.

Are you struggling with your mental health, OP? Because this is not really a normal or healthy way of looking at things.

This is your child's stepmother, who lives with your dd for half the week and has significant involvement in her day to day care. Of course it makes sense for her to be involved in the assessment, and perhaps you should be grateful for the fact that she cares enough to show up.

She is not doing this to get at you, she is doing it because she is an integral part of your dd's family. Perhaps some counselling might help you to process feelings around this, as you have many more years of co-parenting ahead of you.

Well she doing it on purpose, so she can add her thoughts and opinions since she is also a caregiver to your child.

why do you want to block this?

Of course she’s doing it on purpose! The purpose being to support your child to the best of her ability.

Everyone involved in her care needs to be involved, you are feeling guilty as she looks after your child and you are trying to get one up, grow up, it’s not about you it’s about the best for your child.

I do empathise about the difficult situation but this woman has an active role in your daughters life. In getting the assessment it's better to have all the relevant information so that the diagnosis is accurate. When my son was getting his assessment they spoke to all adults who my son had contact with regularly. It will be better for your daughter and thats what you need to focus on.

Are they having 2 separate appointments ?. That is extremely strange!

It is important that she has an input, you don’t have to like it. Everything will be noted.
I think it would have been better do go as 3, I wouldn't have requested 2 parent interview appointments.
Can you request one parent assessment.

I can see why it feels uncomfortable but I do think you are being unreasonable. She seems to be a significant part of your child's life, caring for her half the week whilst your ex works. This means she is going to be able to give the true account of what she is like there.

I don't understand the idea of her doing it on purpose either, she doesn't gain anything from attending aside from hopefully your daughter getting the support she needs.

It is about your child and significant adults in her life (like your Mum to) all working together will hopefully get the best outcome.

Have you got concerns that you don't share the same thoughts on DD and her struggles?

I'm a step child. My step dad cared for me as much maybe even more than my own father did. He was involved in parental decisions due to the amount of care he gave. He was my dad my eyes. This sounds a very similar setup for your daughter. If course she needs to be there, she does half the mothering/ parenting needs.

I’m similar to others, but at least if she’s interested to understand at least she can be appropriately caring for your child when she’s alone with her. I’d do what’s best for my child and I think it’s to let her know a much information as possible

Sounds like she’s been in DDs life, and cared for her, for most of her life? If they married when she was 2 then DD surely doesn’t know of a life without this woman?

Shes her step mother not just dads new bit

Just stop for a minute, take a deep breath, and think about what is best for DD. Would it make sense for someone who is a joint caregiver for your child 50% of the time to be deliberately excluded from an important meeting like this? Don’t you want her to be fully involved with DD and want the best for her? Won’t you expect her to do her best to implement any recommendations for how to manage DD's behaviour and improve DD's life chances in the future?

I understand why you feel as you do but you need a rethink. Feeling annoyed that new partner picked DD up from school, when DD spends 50% of her life in new partner's home, is ridiculous. When the new baby comes, surely you don’t want DD to feel she is lesser in any way in that household.

Does your dd live with your mum? If not then she probably sees more of her dads wife then she does your mum, so it’s more logical for her stepmom to go with her dad then you with your mum really. In reality, of course it’s fine for your mum to go and also her stepmum, your all part of her family and see her regularly and can I put to the assessment. I think it’s great she has so many people around her taking an interest and willing to input to her wellbeing and health.

She’s very involved with your child’s care so probably knows her well and likely has useful information to contribute.

I don’t mean to be pedantic here but you say you don’t have a problem with her then immediately say that she looks down on you - so that means really that you do have a problem with how you think she views you. I don’t know whether this perception is correct- you would have to give us examples. Regardless of whether she’s been a bit unpleasant to you or you just imagine that she looks down on you, however, this is your child’s assessment and not connected to the relationship between you two.

Yes, she is doing it ‘on purpose’ in the sense that she is, I assume, choosing to go, but most likely because she sounds like a primary carer for your child and not because she’s somehow trying to ‘get one over’ on you. If she’s not very nice, and knows you feel insecure about her, I suppose it could be both, but there would need to be good evidence for that being the case.

If I had a step child that I was very involved with, I would want to go. Professionals doing the assessment often want the input of multiple close family members to build a good picture. It is in fact most likely that it’s been suggested by one of the professionals involved that she does attend.

If you have an issue with her doing things like school pick ups, speak to your partner and ask him to arrange a childminder or after school club (but I would only do that if I was concerned about the step-mum’s suitability to care for my child, which would be a much bigger problem).

Don't you want your daughter to have a stepmother who loves her and is involved or would you rather her have zero interest in your child and your child's needs. I have an excellent co parenting situation with my ex and his girlfriend I actually prefer speaking to her then my ex.

DD isn’t your mum’s child either?! Surely it’s better for DD if the psychiatrist has a rich picture of her behaviours and all her caregivers, blood related or not, understand her diagnosis and needs.

It says a lot that you’re stilling calling her his wife when they’ve been together for 5+ years (married for 4) and she’s pregnant with your DD’s sibling. She’s her step-mum and she’s part of her family, whether you like that or not.

I can understand why you might be a bit put out, but you need to look at this in terms of your daughter’s wellbeing, rather than how it affects you. Another adult who spends time with your child will be contributing to the overall picture of how she navigates the world. This will consolidate the information or perhaps even add a different perspective. Honestly, it’s all good.

Why would you not want her to go? She’s a stepmother and a major part of your daughter’s care - it sounds like she spends as much time with her as you do.

As she has an involved parental role, it’s entirely appropriate that she attends this appointment. I’d be feeling thankful she wants to be involved.