DD’s dad’s partner at my child’s autism assessment

I am talking about her relationship to the OP and trying to empathise with OP's feelings. I haven't said she's a stranger to the child. I'm really not sure what people are finding difficult to understand.

I also, if you actually read my comment, have advised OP to try and let it go.

Why on earth is your Mum going?

You do realise you have zero leg to stand on in terms of your ex having another party there, when you take your Mum don't you????!

Just how hypocritical can you get???!

Calling the woman who’s been in her life for years, and who picks her up from school and puts her to bed half the week a “relative stranger” is ridiculous. She’s not a stranger to the important person in this scenario, the child.

They are doing it on purpose. To provide the best information and get the best outcome for your child. Why is your mum going? This woman is your dad's stepmother. She plays a major part in her upbringing. She knows a lot about your daughter and may be very helpful to the assessor. You are dad's mum, you do not have to fight for that position, but she is dd's stepmother. She has a role.

It will acutely help the assessment so have step mums input, giving a rounded picture.

Its not like a parent teaching meeting. They need as much info from as many different sources

You need to work out how much of your feelings is jealously

To me it would be weird if she didn’t want to go. She lives with her and cares for her several days a week. You get to take your mum so why shouldn’t he get to take his wife?

The OP is being so unreasonable, I can't help wondering if this is a very well constructed reverse.

That's irrelevant. Maybe the OP's mother is a relative stranger to the child's father too? The point is that this person is deeply involved in the child's life on a day to day basis and will have useful insights into the child.

Keep in mind that you have done an excellent job co-parenting without hassle, bringing her DGM, your DC is surrounded by love from many adults thanks to your parenting.
Best of luck.
Write down any questions that you might have, important information as it is to lose your confidence in this situation.
Best of luck. 🥰

I would think she is doing it on purpose? Because she wants to know how to support your daughter?

Appreciate it's a tricky situation for you, but your daughter has to come first here and the more people who know how to support her the better.

The OP said it's 2 separate appointments

She is a relative stranger to the OP.

But she's been in her life since she was a baby she's not a stranger

I'm also a single mum and just about to have an asd assessment for myself, so my perspective might be useful. You are your dds mum and it's absolutely okay to feel protective of your DD but this assessment is purely about your dds wellbeing and health. Her step mum likely has almost as much knowledge about your DD, as you do. To get your DD the right support, it's so important that all of her main caregivers outside of education are at her assessment.

I wonder if some of the people leaving unkind and insulting comments have actually got autistic children and have navigated this process themselves.

I have. For many it's a gut wrenching journey that takes years to get to the point of having an assessment. And having a diagnosis isn't a key to more support, sadly, so there's always something else you need to fight for next. It's hard not to feel completely overprotective of your child in these circumstances and I wouldn't have liked a relative stranger involved in what feels like a deeply personal experience for my child either. It would have gone totally against my instincts. Sometimes when we're in the midst of a challenging chapter of life, we don't have the capacity to remove all emotion and make purely practical decisions. We are human and very few of us are wired that way. Even those arrogantly telling OP to "give her head a wobble".

OP, I doubt there is anything you can do since they are married and your DC is with her half the time. Especially if you are intending to involve your mother, who also isn't a parent. Do you have any reason to believe that she won't advocate for your child or that she will negatively influence the assessment? If not, my strong advice would be to try and let it go. You have bigger fish to fry and when you're stressed it's easy to allow your mind to fixate on something peripheral and aim all your negative emotions at that. But I honestly don't think it will serve you or your child. Try and focus on the assessment and make sure you have your notes ready in case your mind goes blank on the day.

Taking an interest in her step daughter she's known since babyhood on purpose? I would hope so. On that position I'd be glad all the child's care givers wanted to know how to best care for them.

Step back and look what is in best interests of child. She’s married to her dad and your dd is with them 50% of time. She’s involved in her care.

Hi OP, your 6 year old going in for an autism assessment must be very stressful for you. Hope you are doing okay and your mum is a good support for you. I think maybe you need to try and separate how you think your ex's partner feels about you the rest of the time and think about whats best for your daughter's assessment - and that would be for the assessors to get a view from the people who spend the most time with her. This will help your daughter. I understand you may feel uncomfortable but you are her mum, noone will ever replace you in her life if you put her first, and getting along with her stepmum is part of that. You would never want to be the person who made your daughter feel awkward about spending time with or talking about the people who love her. Think long term. This is just another thing you have to do for your child, put your feelings to one side and focus on her. I know thats tough, as you must have a lot going on, but have a moan to your mum or a mate and then try to put it to one side.

She could slate OP too, she could insist that it is bad parenting over SEN.
OP said she looks down on her, there is a lot of things she could say, I'm not saying she will, but it is a possibility.
OP to reassure you, I'm sure the team will be hyper aware of the situation and treat it professionally.
Share your concerns about the situation in the assessment.
They'll be used to the dynamic of separated parents.

Why wouldn’t she go? This is a child who is a big part of her life, who presumably she cares about.

You can’t control what your ex partner does when he is looking after his child. Your insecurities about her are not on her, they are on you.

Why is your mum going? She doesn’t do enough as the SM so why is she going?

can you now see how UR you are?

Your daughter isn't your mum's child so by your own logic, she shouldn't be going.

YABVU. This is an assessment for your DD. If her father’s wife does a lot of childcare, then it is absolutely right that she attend an appointment to share her insights too. It’s in the best interests of your child, so for god’s sake get over it and put your DD’s interests above your own.

She's going to a different appointment separately. And I'm sure they can muster up a single extra chair even if there were three.

I don’t understand why it feels weird that she would want to go?

she’s with your child half of the week? So she will know how she behaves, how she presents when at their house? Surely this is important evidence whilst going through a diagnosis? You aren’t going to be in the room with them as you are going separately.

How ever much you don’t like it, she is part of your DD’s life (step parent).