DD’s dad’s partner at my child’s autism assessment

I know this isn’t relevant to the thread, but reading this actually brought a lump to my throat. How many times do we read on here about biological fathers fucking off and not seeing their kids or doing the bare minimum? And yet your step-dad who is now divorced from your mum has stayed in your life to continue supporting you and your children. THIS is the type of man a lot of men we read about should aspire to be like. He sounds like a wonderful human being, you and your children are very lucky to have him - and I’m sure he feels the same about you and recognises what a privilege it is to be a parent.

My DSD mum didn't want me at stuff like this, she was rotten to me - but her children (DSD and DSS) both lived with me and their dad, she wanted to know why I was getting involved.
It was because I spent a lot of time with them, I cared for them and I needed to know as much information as DP and any advice they offered

She is part of your childs life, she wants to help, let her

This is weird. I'd have thought you'd be thankful?

YABU and not putting your DD first

Last night, I watched the Panorama special on parents with autistic children and how exhausting their fight to get appropriate education/support for their children is.

OP, you'd be daft not to allow your child's step-mum - who is already doing a fair bit of parenting - to be part of this fight.

She IS doing it on purpose. Because she's a loving mother to her step daughter. Is that so hard for you to deal with?

Yeah, on purpose to help with DD's care...

The fact is, his wife picks up a lot of the care giving, it's not overstepping. She is actively involved in your daughter's life.

She also knows your ex better than you do - if my DH has any chats with the school and I ask what happened he will say 'It's all good. Nothing to worry about' That could be one the reason she wants to go.

As hard as it is, stop looking for fights where there is none. Hold your head up high, proceed with dignity.

They were never together (as a couple) this jealousy makes no sense.

It’s appropriate in this case for her to go. It’s also incredibly hypocritical of you to be okay with your mother attending but not someone who cares for your child for you.

I know my step son better than both of his actual parents. I do 90% of the parenting and it's me who the school calls. Granted, he lives with me and his dad.

The new wife will more than likely be doing the parenting while at their house. As a previous posted said, it would probably be more beneficial to the child of it were her and you there, instead of the dad.

I think you have an issue you don't need to have.

Why is your Mum going?

I don't understand you at all. You were never in a relationship with him. He has a wife that does as much, if not more of his half of parenting your joint child. Why wouldn't you want her input about your DD when she's at their home 50% of the time?

and why in gods name do you have an issue with her picking up from school? He could pay a childminder to do if he wanted to.

why can't you be happy that his wife cares about your DD. It could be a LOT worse!

Yabu. Your daughter spends half her time with this lady and this lady takes care of her during that time. She's known your daughter for the majority of her life so will have valuable insight to your daughters needs and traits and having her as part of the autism assessment process will only be a help, you might not like how her involvement makes you feel but it benefits your child who the autism assessment is for.

Oh for heaven's sake, life is hard enough why look for things to make it harder.
Think of your child too. They don't need all this stress on top.of their assessment.
If you didn't want him to have anyone else, you should have stayed together.
Did you think he would stay single forever after you had a child?

But the interview evidently serves a purpose for the child's autism though.. it's not a pointless activity is it.

My amazing step dad has been an absolute rock for me since I was about nine years old. He's been there through health issues, job issues, mental breakdowns and all the joyous bits in between. He's a brilliant grandad to all his gkds and although he and my mother divorced ten years ago, he's every bit as involved now as he ever was.

I'm wondering if he did it on purpose.

So your Mum can go to support you but DD's Dad's WIFE can't go to support him?!

Grow up.

I 100% agree with all the posters who see the benefit to a child of having three devoted adult caregivers. Especially if SEN is involved, but I think the OP isn’t just being a dick here. The father clearly has his act together is meeting his obligations to his daughter and his family is growing thanks to a very caring supportive wife.

Is it possible the perception of his wife looking down on you projection at all OP? Doing your side of if it if your are on your own is quite taxing and a lot. Maybe you also have a fear of maybe one day your little one being happier and settled with her father?

Just know as her biological mother you’ll be irreplaceable to your daughter, but it does sound you have quite a lot swirling around in your head. Do you have support to unpack and process?

Less weird than you taking your Mum.

It's in your DD's best interests that all adults involved in her care, which includes your ex's wife, have input into the assessment.

(As an aside, it is often observed that at least one of the parents also presents with the same condition being assessed for. Is that likely to be you, or your ex?)

She is interest on your child and needs and wants to learn how to deal with her and how autism affects and how she can help That's not the purpose of assessments though @freakingscared

OP, you are annoyed because you feel she’s overstepping, but ask yourself: what is in the best interests of your DC? If your ex’s wife is having a lot to do with your DC, then it’s in their interests that she should be there, to hear what is said and be able to act on any advice when your DC is with her. Rather than feeling aggrieved, you should be pleased that she is so keen to be involved - she’s looking after your DC, so it’s in DC’s interests that she should be as informed as possible.

But by that measurement the OP's mother is a relative stranger to the father of the OP's child. He's not really even an ex of the OP as she says herself that they were never together so he'd not have had a relationship with the OP's mum. I guess he can complain about the OP's mum muscling in by the same token then? See how that looks. It's best if all adults just work together to help the child who is the important one in this scenario rather than get stressed and suspicious. The OP needs to put her feelings to one side and focus on getting the best support for her daughter.

I think you're being very petty and sound perhaps jealous?

How is it it overstepping that your DD's step mum not Dads partner as your title says, is helping your dd get ready for bedc etc? Sounds like she's just looking after her. Why would you be angry? This is a YOU problem.

How many nights a week does DD’s dad work? Can he not work the nights that she is at OP’s or most of his nights then, so he is not leaving all his DD’s care to his wife. As it’s his wife who appears to be doing most of her care then I can see why she needs to be at the appointment. It’s a pity though, if OP and the dad have a good co-parenting relationship that they couldn’t have just both attended one appointment together.

Yes she is doing it on purpose so she can be fully involved with your child's care.

The question is why wouldn't you want her to go? It is in your child's best interest that her step-mother attends the appointment and by trying to stop her it is clear you don't have your child's best interests at heart, rather you are being unreasonably possessive.

Sounds like the step-mother spends more time with your child than your mother does, so why are you taking your mother with you in that case?

Op id really try and build a cordial relationship with ex and his wife.

You may not like her for whatever reasons but can you appreciate the love and care she shows your daughter?

Its not overstepping, its caring. Yes in an ideal world her dad would do all the parenting but his job doesnt allow that and his wife is stepping up. Try and appreciate her efforts for the sake of your dd