DD’s dad’s partner at my child’s autism assessment

Autism often runs in the family.

If you and/or your ex do not have a diagnosis, it's likely at least one of you has autism anyway, and if you've reached this age without anyone picking up on it, you're unlikely to have full self-awareness of it.

It's entirely possible that your ex's partner has witnessed behaviours in one or both of you which might be very helpful in providing supporting evidence for the likelihood of DD having autism.

Her turning up is a good thing.

You're not unreasonable to have a gut rage response, but you would be unreasonable to not realise this is a good thing, having had time to calm down and process it. She is another possible source of information for the assessor, and she clearly cares about your kid, or she wouldn't bother getting involved.

Her caring about your DD doesn't negate your role or importance as DD's mum. It just means she's part of the additional village being build around DD to support her.

Doing what on purpose? Caring for your child? Her step child? The half sibling of her child?
Like it or not she is the third most important caregiver in your child’s life. I’d be much more concerned if she wasn’t interested in being involved. They will not be in the same meeting as you so won’t be listening in on your private conversation. She’s not stepping on your toes here as far as I can tell. In fact it all seems very grown up and sensible and supportive of your child.
I can understand why this may feel weird but this is the way your family is set up. I really can’t see she’s doing anything wrong here.

Are you all on the same page re your dd having asd?

Hi wife looks after your DD just as much as you do. She needs to know whats going on. get used to it.

just seems weird that she’d want to go, I feel like she’s doing it on purpose

Of course she's doing it on purpose.
It is so that she can share information that will help.your dd in the long run.
Why would you not want that.

What, purposely trying to be informed about how she can best support a child who is in her care 50% of the time? Yeah, what a bitch.

YABVU
The more people that love and care for your DD the better. Don't make this about your bad feeling towards DD's step mum, it's about caring for your DD the best way possible.
How would you feel if DD's dad was annoyed that your Mum was going with you?
Us step parents get a bad deal, can't do right for doing wrong. Believe me when I say this is a good thing for her to do.

It sounds as if she is stepping up rather than 'overstepping'.

In what way do you think she looks down her nose at you? How has she demonstrated this?

Is this more about this than the welfare of your Dd who spend half the week living with her father's wife??

OP as gently as possible, she's not going to rub your nose in it, she's going because she's one of your child's main caretakers. You're taking your Mum who I'm assuming is also involved in helping with your child.

The more hands on deck the better, she'll never be her Mum, thats 100% you, but she is going to be a big part of your daughters life forever now she will be a Mum to your daughters half sibling. So its 100% for the best she gets involved with this sort of stuff and can be in a better position to support your daughters needs. Take care OP. Xx

Why do you find it weird that your daughter's step-mother - who appears to be actively involved in caring for your child half the week - might attend?
With that logic, I'd suggest it's weirder that you're taking your Mummy with you.
But, it's not weird, though, is it, as presumably all adults attending are the most significant people/caregivers in this little girl's life?
You sound jealous, which is understandable, but not helpful: in this scenario, it's your daughter who is important. Your nose being out of joint won't help matters.

I used to be a teacher, OP. It was common for a stepmother to attend a parents; evening with a child's father. (Usually there were two sets of appointments.)

Your DD's wife's attendance really isn't unusual.

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t want your dds stepmum to be there, she’s her dad’s wife and her stepmother. By the sounds of it it’s her that does the looking after. I know you don’t like it but the dad wants his partner there and he has rights too,

So 4yrs ago your daughter's father married & yet you call her his partner in the title.

Why?

This is why step parents can’t win. Pathetic.

OP I appreciate you might not want to come back to this thread as you’ve overwhelmingly been told you’re unreasonable. Gently, I do agree with the previous posters and think it might be worth taking a step back and looking at the benefits of her step-mum going. It might even be worth you trying to get to know the step-mum - if you two can be cordial or even friends it would be a massive benefit to your child.

But I do understand why you are feeling this way. Do you feel she’s replacing you as her mother? She’s doing the things with your daughter and her husband that you perhaps wish you could have given her? They seem to have the traditional family set up going, whereas I am presuming it’s just you and your daughter at your house as you don’t mention a partner and are taking your mum to the appointment. This doesn’t mean you are less in anyway - you are her mum, to your daughter you are the most important person in the world! But she’s lucky that she has a step mum that cares for her as well. Try to view it that way - you aren’t in competition, it’s just extra love for your little girl.

Good luck with the assessment.

It seems strange that he's requested a separate appointment, if you co parent well and there's no history of abuse why can't you go together?

It sounds like this lady is putting considerable time and effort every week into your child's safety and wellbeing.
Still, no good deed goes unpunished I guess.

I agree is frustrating, there should be 1 appointment with you and Dad there. Rather than 2 appts each with 2 adults. As a paediatric specialist we have a couple of these '2 appts because the parents can't manage to be in same appt" scenarios. Apart from being an extra drain on resources, we often find that each parent gives very different (often conflicting) information which makes our job much harder - which information do we base our evaluation on. The appts where we have both co-parents able to attend amicably together is much better for the child, than the 2 seperate appts. Although that is in turn better than a screaming match between parents mid appt, which we have also had!

You are bringing your mum with you as a support and he is bringing his wife, so I can't really see the issue from your perspective.

I think the jealousy is more that there's another mother figure, rather than jealousy over the ex(?)

What do you mean on purpose?
It’s a good thing. Those assessments are draining. They go right back to pregnancy and birth though so she won’t be able to answer those, but having another brain to remember since will be great! The 3 of you together would be better tbh if yous can manage it.
Are yous on the same page in regards to it? I could understand if you felt dd was autistic and they are refusing to accept it that it may be difficult.
I went on my own and came out drained.

By the sounds of it, your daughter's step-Mum is the one doing the majority of the parenting, when your daughter stays with her Dad. Surely, it makes sense for her to be attending the appointment with your daughter's Dad? She will hear the information first hand, rather than via her husband, and it will help her care for your daughter. You have a good co-parenting relationship with your daughter's Dad, why cause an issue over this?? You say his wife 'looks down her nose at you'. In what way? I wonder if this is perhaps a preconceived notion that you have in your head, rather than actual fact. Has she said or done something unkind to you? Many step-parents (men or women) aren't always interested in their step-children, and aren't 'hands-on' at all. Your daughter has a step-Mum who cares for her and takes an active interest as well. Be thankful she is like this! Instead of viewing her as the enemy, work together, as you have the same goal...wanting what's best for your daughter.

Of course she is going on purpose you don’t end up in an appointment like that by accident.

your daughter spends 50% of her time with her dad and his wife, to me it would be a concern if the wife didn’t care. She has more need to be there than your mum does.

Given that your DD spends a lot of time at her biological dads home and the ‘step’ mum is deeply involved in her care whilst she’s there it is wise to allow her to go to the assessment……surely you want what’s best for your DD moving forward don’t you? To deny the SM to the assessment is rather silly IMO