To refuse to consider living where DH wants to

If I were in your position I would:

• plan the whole thing out, pick a nursery, a school, a house, and cost it up, both in terms of time for commuting to work and drop off/pick ups, and the house itself. Remember to include petrol costs, parking, council tax etc.
• do the same for a house closer to your parents/nice schools/work. Make sure you are clear on time spent commuting and doing drop off/pick up for both, and factoring in the kids doing any clubs etc when they are older.
• how much time does your husband spend on his hobby now and how much time does he envision spending on his hobby when you live closer to it? I'd be getting him to name specifics now and having a conversation about how that might change due to the kids/house/your needs. If he's imagining being at his hobby at his hobby 3 nights a week and a full weekend day, thats not going to be fair on you..
• take a second and assess how much you see your family/friends, what kind of relationships do you have. Is there pressure to attend EVERY birthday occasion meaning there's multiple every month. Do people expect to be able to pop round with no notice and do so 5 out of 7 days a week. Have a real think and then approach him to ask if he thinks the level of contact is/might be overwhelming, with curiosity and a mindset that you want to really know how he's feeling - you might find yourself getting defensive but you need to try not to. Not all families are the same, and you need to get a better idea of what might be going on there.

That's because PPs always wrap hobbies up in secrecy because they're 'outing' 😂

I suspect I would find that overwhelming. But TBF we live a 24 hour flight from my family, and when they were alive a 7 hour drive from DH's.

I can't get my head around being worried about a 20-25 minute drive. But being in the catchment of a good school IS important- speaking as someone rural who private schools my Dc because we are most emphatically not in a catchment for a good school.

How often does he do his hobby? Does he have to go to the location to do it? I agree with the posts warning that you'll be a hobby widow. Also, 20-25 minutes drive can easily become more in busy traffic and then you'll be looking at 90 minutes round trip.

I'd never drive 20-25 minutes to primary school, that's madness. It's nearly two hours out of your day! No chance.

Ask your DH whether, if you lived where he wants to live, he would do all the drop offs and pick ups from reception through to year five.

I think you're being quite selfish. The school is a red herring - I think you like being walking distance to your friends and family and that is a lot for your husband who is asking a reasonable request to live in the same town but a different area that suits him more. Compromise is healthy.

Another thought - I think the title is really unfortunate. You shouldn’t ’refuse’ to consider something your partner wants to talk about. My husband and I had very different ideas initially about where we wanted to live but we talked it through. At the end of the day I ‘won’ but he had come around to my initial plan after we thought through everything. And we are both happy with our house. I don’t see how you can just flat out refuse to consider what he wants.

For a hobby - NO.

To be honest I would go for living near schools you think you want. A 25 minute commute to see friends or go to a hobby is nothing really, 25 minutes away from a school you like is likely to mean that you don't get into that school. (For primary anyway).

You have really glossed over the "cheaper/bigger" house aspect and honed in on the hobby. But surely a better/cheaper house is also a compelling reason?

The fact that you consider 20-25 minutes journey to be such a long way away also makes me think that your family and friends must live right on top of you at the moment. Is there a possibility that your DH finds this rather claustrophobic?

This. Whilst it’s great for you to be on their doorstep, is this a big part of the reason for his suggestion?

He has moved so you are on top of your friends and family. It’s a very small compromise on your part to move 20 mins away to an area that gives him a bit of space from that and makes financial sense.

He might need to be aware you toddler might not be interested in his hobby though!

I think the way you've worded your title hasn't helped you here, OP. Of course you're being unreasonable not to even consider it. But if your AIBU had asked if you were unreasonable to prefer it, I think the voting would have gone in your favour. Surely most people would agree that convenience for jobs, family and a good school would trump a hobby?

My nearest shop is 15 minutes away! The idea of discounting your OH's wishes for a mere 20-25 minute journey is not reasonable.
Please listen to his needs too. You are a team, a partnership.

YABU.
The area he is proposing is only 25 minutes from all your family and friends. That is no time at all. He has been ok with living near yours just wants to move 25 minutes away. Financially, sounds like a house 25 minutes away is also better suited to the family.

Leave aside the hobby and think about the above.

How far is his family and friends?
From the area he is proposing, how far
away is the hobby?

Not a chance would I move for a hobby.

I would be extremely unfair to make your relatives to travel +30 mins each way every day if they are to help with after school childcare as you both work full time.

The houses may be cheaper, but there may be no cost savings after adding on the costs of childcare. Also does he want to spend all his free time as a chauffeur when your child wants to go out independently, but there is no public transport to get to the places they want to go?

20/25 minutes is fine for both sides - you have gotten so ingrained into who wants what

so take that out focus on how things will work - schools which has wraparound care/childcare etc
secondary schools again and travel for your child
then the house what can you buy in each area because I suspect that is where his area might win out and it is inportant to look at

look at both areas I think and work out what house works

Unreasonable to not consider it, but you’ve probably got to prioritise schools over hobbies. Sit down and do a big list of pros and cons, view the schools. And don’t make the mistake we made and only look at primary schools, it goes very fast, and secondary school options are harder where we are. I wouldn’t move away from a secondary school you wanted to send the kids to.

It sounds a bit like all that’s on the other side of the balance is the hobby…

I think you both have a point although being walking distance from a good school is invaluable.

Me too...

Is it water based so you are moving toward the coast or a lake?
Is it horsey?

Other hobby options where distance could be crucial:
Lifeboat / mountain rescue team? Where you need to respond quickly to a shout? (Agree it's more likely to be golf though...)

I would definitely give close consideration to all possible schools and what you can get for your money house wise...

20 minutes really isn’t much.

Your DH already agreed to move back to your home town yet you think moving 20 minutes from the centre so you can get a cheaper house is unreasonable?

I think you’re being a little bit closed minded.

I would sit down together and write a pros and cons lists for each area. How living in each place would effect your finances, how much outdoor space you’d get for your money, how day to day travel would look with a child going to school etc.

Is you getting everything your own way a common theme in your relationship? Is he always bottom of the pile in terms of wants and needs?

I wouldn't rule out looking at houses in the area suggests, based on price more than anything. Sounds like you might get more for your money if you look a little further away.

In terms of schools, what do you mean by a good school? I chose my childrens as I really liked the headteachers vision when we were shown around but she then left a couple of years after my eldest started! Also if you mean good in terms of SATs this can all change depending on cohort. Again my kids school has gone down year on year in terms of results....the reason being the school is known as being good for sen with children moving from other schools to join, so a high proportion of the children have an additional need and with last year's group this made a significant drop in terms of results.
So what makes a good school depends on what you are looking for.

Are you looking to buy and if so, can you afford the high price area? If not, you will need to compromise, so you may as well look at a few areas and keep an open mind about other schools.

Are you 100% sure the schools are best for your child? Even the best on paper (or through word of mouth) doesn’t mean they’re great. In our town we have two primaries, one is the ‘good’ one that people try to get into and has an amazing reputation. Actually, for many it isn’t that good. Children with SEN often move etc. The other school has a terrible reputation but that is actually due to snobbery and one bad ofsted 8 years ago (now redone and as good as the other school). It has more resources, has more clubs and a great SEN dept. People look down due to it having a more diverse range of children.

The best on paper and by word of mouth doesn’t make it the best.

I also think it’s telling you said it’s 25-30m from everyone WE know, when his support network is from his hobby so everyone you know.

How much are your parents going to help? Will it be every day? This will impact my decision too.