To refuse to consider living where DH wants to

I'm on the fence.

IMO, 20 minutes drive is nothing - for many. The only people I know who think like this, are those who have never left the place they grew up in, always live within a mile of their parents, and are mortified when I tell them my DC live 25-35 minutes drive away. They say 'oooh, I wouldn't like that, I like to be near to my family.'

As a pp said, I wonder if your DH finds it overbearing being so near your family? I would find it stressful and exasperating if DH and I lived really close to his family. I love that all extended family - mine and his - (except our DC who are around half hour's drive away,) are 1.5 to 3 hours drive away.

However, I do think your DH is being unreasonable to want to move house to be 'near to his hobby.' Why? What hobby is it that he has, that means he needs to be 20 minutes drive closer? Very odd!

And so we have stalemate

who matters more ? Both claim their choice is better for the family for different reasons

And in that case, 25 minutes should be easy for dh to get to his hobby

Yes, in my experience it makes a huge difference not having support around you.

I’ve just reread the OP and you’re right…. If it was purely about the hobby I’d still say unreasonable but if it’s more about the DH wanting to have some say in where he lives, to create a bit of space between them and her family, and about them choosing a life/ place that suits them as a couple rather than just being near her extended family, I would agree with you, it’s worth hearing him out (and actually I don’t think I’d want to be closer than 20-25 mins to any family member personally!!!)

I'm not saying moving for a hobby makes any sense. But if my husband starts talking about wanting to move only 20min away, I think it deserves a conversation. I don't think at it's core it is about the hobby.

Is it a hobby like open water swimming or paddle boarding where it’s more of a lifestyle shift than, say, playing squash a couple of times a week? If so, it’s more of a lifestyle switch that’s broader than just a hobby. Obviously I am speculating here!

So you already live in the town and work there a few days a week. But he'd prefer another area with his hobby friends? It sounds a little like he's finding your family and friends to be a bit overwhelming which is a shame.

There's no chance of there being a 'special' hobby friend in that area, is there? I think you'd find it a nuisance to be driving back to the town every day.

If 25 minutes is nothing, then it’s nothing to drive to his hobby either - it works both ways - unless there was an enormous difference in house prices I would go for convenience every time and your kids may not be interested in that hobby either and would prefer to be near town

I've tried to write it in as balanced a way as possible!

But you haven't told us what the Hobby is and we need to know!

You are a family
that includes ( currently) your husband
yiu don’t get to say unilaterally what’s right for the family
yiu need somewhere that works for ALL the family

I am surprised how many people think the DH's 'mystery hobby' is worthy of so much consideration! You're parents FFS, a nice house with proximity to good schools and childcare / family help is a primary consideration, travel time to weekend 'hobbies' is a secondary consideration

This.

School as PP have said do change - and best on paper may not be in practise - so a compromise would be do some more research on the schools.

I'd try being really practical - what do you need in a house - ie bed rooms no how many toilets/drive/garden size/kitchen type - and what you want but are not vital but nice to haves - your price range in all locations - how much work are you realistically willing to do and how much that will cost and time it will take.

How long you'd likely be there - though that's harder as life does though curve balls - but are you looking to move before secondary ages or do you need to have a think there as well.

Routes into work and school - full times and in rush hour term times - getting to services like GP/dentists/kids groups/swiming pools stuff you might also need to be close to. Had he thought about getting in and out of school every school day- that's not that far off now or is he think about current needs/wants.

Being close to an adult hobby doesn't sound like a compelling reason especially if you drive but he may be right about the house sizes and work - but you could be right about the support being better closer.

I think you'd be unreasonable to not consider it at all - but look at it very practically - a pro and con list on each area could help.

Schools can change remarkably quickly. Unless the children are of school age now, I would let that influence my choice of location at all.

I thinks he's being ridiculous, and in 10 years time many will have moved on.

He must see that his children's schooling trumps his hobby?

At this point in time it has to be based around schooling first and foremost

Wherever you live, factor in proximately to DC's school friends and activities. It's hard to envisage now, but it becomes such a huge part of your life for at least ten years (until they can use local public transport - if there is any)

He’s found someone to play with in this area and wants to engineer a closer move to this area. @NachoChip keep your antenna’s up (metaphorically speaking). From your op, the family doesn’t benefit from being where he wants to be.

Imho you have to prioritise convenience and family life and 20-30 mins from a hobby is not far.

If you have just one child it’s important they build up family connections and as they grow older, being close to town is better for friendship groups/ not having to chauffeur child everywhere.
Good school is key.

Consider the outer boundaries of the school catchment area.
Given you said houses closer need work/ money/ time? Is your DH worried about that?

Perhaps list the positives and negatives for more visual perspective. Is there a halfway house?

That aside, I would choose nearer family as you just never know what the future holds. Imagine if one of you fell ill and needed support. Think of the longer term.

Moving for a hobby seems ridiculous to me. Why can’t he travel 20/25 mins for a hobby? What does he gain by living there that he doesn’t by travelling?

Obviously it’s wrong to not consider each others feelings, however, school (big one), family, work, central area are all much bigger and more valid reasons than a hobby imo.

madness. a 25 minute drive to a friend is excellent and most people would consider that close by??

@NachoChip may be way off here but if all your family and friends stayed in this area. Did you always see your kids going to the same school as all of their children?

Is the school you want the school you went to as a child?

Schools should be your priority/deciding factor.

Best school. Nothing else matters.

You have a child, you put them first and a hobby is crrtainly not more important than a good school, not even in the same universe of what is important. DH needs to grow up.