To refuse to consider living where DH wants to

I never had anyone else to take kids to schools ( no DH either ) I never had parents around the corner - I suspect most people don’t

my support network was the one that kept me sane whilst I was doing it all - looking after my dd and working to pay our way

there is no rule that says one type of support is more important than the ither

i am not saying move where he wants
i am saying both are currently being unreasonable and location should as best as can suit both

which won’t happen if OP insists on living only in one specific area

While I don't think moving for hobby is reasonable (I still doubt this is actually about the hobby). However, i wonder how close everyone lives to their parents/in laws if 20min means losing your suppirt network?

On the one hand there are tons of threads about hating in laws and how annoying it is that someone wants to se their parents twice a year. Anyone seeing family once a month is a mommas boy who are not independent. But now moving 20min away is outrageous and will negatively impact relationships with the wider family. I live about 20 min from my parents and we think that is practically living next door.

Again, moving for hobby is weird but I don't think thw distance we sre blaming about can be considered taking them away from their community.

Does his support network help take his kids to school or childminders if he can't? I get his hobby friends are important to him, but it sounds like he feels he is missing out on whatever socialising might be happening after the hobby sessions.
In the meantime, mum has lost her immediate support network. Yes, they will only be half an hour drive away, but it's not the few minutes she currently has.

Don't you hate these threads where the OP never comes back.

How about for a bigger house and garden because reading between the lines I think this is the case

I really would be telling him crack on himself.
The selfishness to consider moving a family from their family and supportive community, for a hobby, is next level selfishness.

It's not his family...are these people going to spend time with them outside their hobby, help them take of their child esp when there is an emergency etc? Prioritise their family and child in the same way family would?

I agree that OP ought to be considering her DH’s position, but 20 minutes is not nothing.

A 20 min drive is 3:20 hrs - 6:40 hrs of travel time over 5 days (6:40 if you have to go there and back, only 3:20 if it’s on route). Which is not a negligible amount to add to a working week or ask for from parents.

And if OPs preferred is walking distance from family it opens up a host of possibilities that any driving requirement puts paid to.

On a daily basis, work, school, family, friends. Your area benefits everyone.
On a weekly basis, his area benefits Him.

You win

DH wants to move for his hobby.
You want a good school for your children.
What does he want for his children?
What do you want for yourself?

Centering around a hobby can mean more time dedicated, not less as it's so convenient and he can just "pop in" whereas now means planning and negotiating with you. There are loads of threads from women asking for support to manage their DPs obsession with a hobby to the exclusion of family life. What is his plan to manage this? Are you going to be a hobby widow?

Now add in children's clubs and hobbies. You may find yourself holding all of this with a half hour commute to family for support. If it's just a 25 minute commute for you, it's just that for his hobby too.

All this.

Plus, factoring in cost short-term and long term.

Seems a bit off to move for a hobby. What is the hobby?

You have had your own way so time to stop being so selfish!

I’d live near to family and child care. Living near a hobby is ridiculous

So DH doesn’t deserve his support network?

YANBU. Having a support network when you have young DC trumps all.

My DM lives 10 minutes away. Stuff happens and having her so near was a godsend when DC were little. Last minute care when DC were ill / I was ill / when DH was kicked by cows. Now she’s older I can pop in with shopping without it taking half a day (which it did with my gran who was a 25 min motorway drive away).

Moving nearer to a hobby makes it more likely you’ll be left literally holding the baby while your DH does regular golf/cycling/sailing or whatever.

But why would 20 mins make much difference for childcare? I think they should just look at options across the area and see what comes up, there's no point ruling something great put over a very short hop in the car. Op still will have her network right there with her, he has done all the compromising so far and it seems only fair that options are at least considered.

Do whatever makes the most sense for childcare. Life will be much easier. He can do an hour round trip for his hobby rather than you doing an hour a day to drop your child off.

Her op doesn't say that, just that the toddler might enjoy the area and join in with his hobby when they are older. I think it would be unfair for op to move away from their support network just so when their toddler is of an age they can join in with the hobby if they want to. What if they don't want to?

No because he thinks his choice of location benefits him and the children in the same was as OP thinks her choice benefits her and the children

you are both wrong / you need somewhere for you all

His argument is that we live in my hometown near my friends and family, and he's built a little community around his hobby that he wants to be near so it's only fair

So he wants to move somewhere that will benefit one person, him, as opposed to staying where you are and it benefits lots of people, namely his wife and children?
If there were other benefits then yes have a proper discussion about it, but for a hobby? I wouldn't move for that

@CremeBruhlee I totally agree- there would have to be an enormous price difference for me to even consider it and bear in mind cheaper areas are usually cheap for a reason - inconvenience can be 1 part of it .

Many things that I would consider and put first -

Schools, including feeder schools for secondary schools. Time goes so quickly and I would argue secondary is more important than primary.

House/neighbours/traffic/security. Location generally.

Help and support from family.

Community and things to do for either of you on a future mat leave. Are things walkable, able to nip to between naps, build a community of mums whose kids may go to the same school.

Hobbies for kids and how close they are

If you are on mat leave is there much to walk to?

Is the area safe for children to walk/play/call for friends once they are 10+

Are the kids in that area from the local school. Will the area have kids that your kids will want to play out with/you be friends with the parents.

Can you walk to meet with family when kids are young/you on mat leave and can older kids walk home from school/ to families houses.

People are saying 25 mins isn’t far. Well it isn’t to a hobby but it is walking with baby in a carrier with a toddler along badly lit roads.

It’s all about lifestyle and how you both see your day to day living as well as the ‘bigger questions’ of house prices and schools. I have and have had all of the above so close walkable family, friends, local nice shops and restaurants, Babygroups, good transport, school and community and it has made our life as a family immeasurably better.

I wouldn’t put a hobby group above all of that xx

And that's what he's been doing all the time. Maybe now it's time for OP to take a turn at doing the traveling? Especially when housing is a lot more reasonably priced in the other area.

It really isn't, though! My kids are 35 and 45 minutes away, and I still feel reasonably fortunate, still do childcare occasionally and see everyone every week.

I get why your DH might feel suffocated being virtually on all your family members doorsteps, OP. I'd have disliked that too, even though I loved my in-law family.

You've had it all your own way for a long time, so yes, you're being unreasonable not to consider his preferences and empathise with his feelings.

How often does he do his hobby

work school family are all important and easier less travelling

or go inbetween both so 10mins ish to either