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Original poster

For not wanting my partner’s hobby to take over our family life?

161 replies

minnieot · 06/10/2025 22:21

Hi all,

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I feel like I’m losing my mind over this situation.

My boyfriend of 7 years, and the father of my 12 month old baby, is obsessed with politics. He’s always been into it but was not actively involved in it until this past year. It’s become completely all consuming. He’s taken on multiple voluntary roles within a political party, spends most evenings messaging political groups or on calls, and goes to events and conferences whenever he can. (Currently attending a four day conference in Manchester whilst I’m alone with the baby who is currently full of cold and so am I, and I’m still working.)

It’s reached the point where I feel like he’s living two separate lives, like he wants to live as if he’s single and childfree in this world where me and our son are not part of. He insists it’ll “pay off” one day and that he’ll “scale it back eventually,” “it’s conference season, it won’t always be this busy” or whatever, but it’s been a year of this and nothing has changed apart from small periods of things seeming promising, only for him to go right back to it.

A lot of it is also very social where he’ll go out for drinks and a “catch up” with people but not let me know actually where he is or who he’s with, not answer his phone and then he’ll stumble through the door late at night, even early hours in the morning on a couple of occasions.

He seems to think that I’m being controlling for not wanting politics to dominate his life, and for expecting to be updated on his whereabouts when he’s out drinking, but it’s not like I want him to give up his hobby, I just want balance. I feel like he’s choosing that world over the family we’ve built together, and it’s breaking my heart.

I just can’t stop wondering why he can put so much time and energy into this but none into me or his son.

AIBU for saying that I can’t live like this anymore and that he can’t have both? Or is he right, and it’s controlling and toxic of me to expect him to limit his hobby and keep me updated on what he’s doing etc etc

OP posts:
Grammarnut · 07/10/2025 00:12

Allthatshines1992 · 07/10/2025 00:07

I agree. Political zealots of any strain are insufferable although the left wing ones seem a lot more vocal than the right wing ones. Populism is also stupid and annoying yet prevalent.

Show quote history

The lefties are the worst. Misogynists, too.

Grammarnut · 07/10/2025 00:10

If your DP won't tell you where he is or when he's coming home I should myself start to think there is a OW involved as well as politics (not a hobby, btw) - you might want to check this out: phone, laptop etc. Sorry, just thought of that!

Allthatshines1992 · 07/10/2025 00:07

TheM55 · 07/10/2025 00:05

It is this. I realise I might to be in the massive minority here, but I haven't got a lot of time for people that stick so rigidly to their political beliefs that they alienate friends and family, let alone make it a full time job outside of their job, always bringing the chat around to the politics at every chance, posting stuff, falling out with people that cannot share their views, thinking them stupid and "head in the sand", thinking that they are "racists", or "woke lefties" depending which side they are on, constantly quoting biased facts and opinions. Some people simply save their energy and time for other things, and if you are one of them, then that is that, and I would say good for you. I would find this intolerable OP. There is a grey area between "hobby" and "obsession" and I think that has been crossed, especially if it is impacting life in general. I really feel for you xxx

Show quote history

I agree. Political zealots of any strain are insufferable although the left wing ones seem a lot more vocal than the right wing ones. Populism is also stupid and annoying yet prevalent.

coxesorangepippin · 07/10/2025 00:06

Weird how women never have these all consuming hobbies

Odd too how you still refer to him as boyfriend, when he's the father of your child

TheM55 · 07/10/2025 00:05

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 06/10/2025 23:31

Yanbu. Any kind of hobby that takes up so much of his free time is unreasonable, especially when he should be sharing the parenting load of having a young child.

It is this. I realise I might to be in the massive minority here, but I haven't got a lot of time for people that stick so rigidly to their political beliefs that they alienate friends and family, let alone make it a full time job outside of their job, always bringing the chat around to the politics at every chance, posting stuff, falling out with people that cannot share their views, thinking them stupid and "head in the sand", thinking that they are "racists", or "woke lefties" depending which side they are on, constantly quoting biased facts and opinions. Some people simply save their energy and time for other things, and if you are one of them, then that is that, and I would say good for you. I would find this intolerable OP. There is a grey area between "hobby" and "obsession" and I think that has been crossed, especially if it is impacting life in general. I really feel for you xxx

Allthatshines1992 · 07/10/2025 00:01

minnieot · 06/10/2025 22:21

Hi all,

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I feel like I’m losing my mind over this situation.

My boyfriend of 7 years, and the father of my 12 month old baby, is obsessed with politics. He’s always been into it but was not actively involved in it until this past year. It’s become completely all consuming. He’s taken on multiple voluntary roles within a political party, spends most evenings messaging political groups or on calls, and goes to events and conferences whenever he can. (Currently attending a four day conference in Manchester whilst I’m alone with the baby who is currently full of cold and so am I, and I’m still working.)

It’s reached the point where I feel like he’s living two separate lives, like he wants to live as if he’s single and childfree in this world where me and our son are not part of. He insists it’ll “pay off” one day and that he’ll “scale it back eventually,” “it’s conference season, it won’t always be this busy” or whatever, but it’s been a year of this and nothing has changed apart from small periods of things seeming promising, only for him to go right back to it.

A lot of it is also very social where he’ll go out for drinks and a “catch up” with people but not let me know actually where he is or who he’s with, not answer his phone and then he’ll stumble through the door late at night, even early hours in the morning on a couple of occasions.

He seems to think that I’m being controlling for not wanting politics to dominate his life, and for expecting to be updated on his whereabouts when he’s out drinking, but it’s not like I want him to give up his hobby, I just want balance. I feel like he’s choosing that world over the family we’ve built together, and it’s breaking my heart.

I just can’t stop wondering why he can put so much time and energy into this but none into me or his son.

AIBU for saying that I can’t live like this anymore and that he can’t have both? Or is he right, and it’s controlling and toxic of me to expect him to limit his hobby and keep me updated on what he’s doing etc etc

I'm glad you didn't mention which political party it is he supports so people can focus on the situation you are in rather than what his beliefs are.

My question to you is, what is the point of all that he is doing? Does he hope to become a local MP? If not then what does he do? Does he protest? What's the point?

I've known a few people (all male) like your significant other who are members of various political parties at both ends of the spectrum and honestly they were all quite socially inept and disengaged from reality. Zealots, if you will. All of them.

Edit: My bad, I just saw you said you're left wing/anti-right wing and he is right wing. Well, enjoy each other.

Anyusernamewilldo8963 · 06/10/2025 23:56

Two things jumped out at me...HE calls it a hobby, no you need to rename it and call it what it is because at this stage it's a lifestyle. Secondly and forgive me if I've got this wrong (I'm half asleep lol) you say its been only the last year and your DC is 12 months so did this start pretty much as your baby was born? If so then the timings to me sounds like he's actively dropped out of parenting pretty much from the start

BauhausOfEliott · 06/10/2025 23:54

So, he devotes all his free time to political campaigning while you’re left holding the baby, and his political views are the polar opposite to yours?

This relationship isn’t going to work. If you stay with him he’s going to want to mould you into some god-awful Tory wife who smiles blankly in the background dressed in frumpy clothes and wearing a padded Alice band while he pledges his support for the abolition of human rights.

Greenmouldycheese · 06/10/2025 23:53

Might be doing all this to get out of parenting. What a deadbeat. Don't be a doormat, tell him to parent his kid or get him out.

Latenightreader · 06/10/2025 23:46

If he’s a new recruit to the party he’ll be in the phase where local activists are signing him up for everything (I used to be very active in a different party and have seen this many times). You go along to a branch meeting, get signed up to a committee straight away and become a delegate to a meeting the next level up, then a few months later become ward secretary/vice chair. You think they recognise your brilliance and it takes a while before you realise everyone else has already had a turn and they are keen for someone else to have a go. You have new friends who are really encouraging and it is all about the greater good so not selfish at all when you neglect family. There are tantalising hints of a bright future, but it needs a lot of hard work now. Next step is a paper candidacy in local elections, which are all consuming, the slump after, the encouragement for the future…

Lots of people drop out after an election but that’s no help right now. He’s being very selfish .

justasking111 · 06/10/2025 23:45

minnieot · 06/10/2025 22:26

Just to add, I do not share his political views, he did not support the Conservative Party when I first met him, and I would absolutely never support them. Again, that only came in the last year

Blimey he's flogging a dead horse there

Doubledenim305 · 06/10/2025 23:43

He's got his priorities and is going after what he wants (now he has ticked wife and child off his list).
So you book in lots of 'you' time and go out house and let him 'feel' what you are going through. Men need to feel it sometimes if they aren't hearing it.
i feel for you but don't put up with it

TrousersOfTime · 06/10/2025 23:39

People change a lot between their teens and mid twenties.

If it was a cause you both believed in, and you'd discussed his dreams and agreed you'd shoulder the majority of the childcare (i.e. you were working as a team) it could be very different.

But as it is, you're being expected to pick up the slack whilst he works towards personal goals that actively conflict with your own beliefs.

Also, he's a Tory, massive ick.

Starting over is scary, but you have a job, you have family support and you have your DC. Plus you'll have maintenance from him.

I divorced my childhood sweetheart a decade or so ago, in my late twenties. Terrifying at the time, but it was genuinely the best thing I've ever done - as we'd grown up, we'd just become incompatible as people.

99bottlesofkombucha · 06/10/2025 23:35

hi dp, we need to talk. I had no idea you would be such a shit dad and a shit partner once we had a baby, and I’m sick of your fake promises. I’m writing my tell all article about how over 12 months you have barely parented the baby you chose to have, barely fed them a meal, and while I’m sick at home working and solo parenting you’re off at politics conferences. I think your electorate will love it. So I just needed to let you know that, and that we are splitting contact time so from now on you are the solo parent 3 nights a week including all night long, so I too can go to things. Solo parenting includes cooking, shoping, cleaning up, doing a a load of laundry, bath and bedtime. I’ve separated the cupboard and labelled fridge shelves your shppping for baby and you can go on your shelves. I’m off for a calm down because I’m so mad I had a baby with a lazy shit walk, your baby needs a bath and bedtime.

that’s where I’d be. He’s a waste of fucking space. I’d scare him enough to have fun with (& maybe I would feed a journo all my those details if he does stand, if he doesn’t lift his game then he deserves it, start taking notes).

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 06/10/2025 23:31

Yanbu. Any kind of hobby that takes up so much of his free time is unreasonable, especially when he should be sharing the parenting load of having a young child.

TheGreatWesternShrew · 06/10/2025 23:27

minnieot · 06/10/2025 22:51

We are young, both early-mid twenties. He does have a career, separate to politics, where he aims to progress as far as I’m aware

Show quote history

There’s part of your issue. He’s had a baby too young when he wasn’t actually ready and is only just discovering who he wants to be - now he’s found it and wants to invest all his passion and time and drive into it.

And wife and baby sadly fall by the wayside.

DPotter · 06/10/2025 23:17

I work full time but it would be very difficult to financially support myself without him, but I do have family nearby who I know I could go to until I can stand on my own two feet. It just isn’t the life I imagined for my baby

Don't forget he would have to pay child maintence - run his salary through the CMS calculator

Also you may equalify for Universal credits and free nursery hours too

EsmeSusanOgg · 06/10/2025 23:10

He needs to watch the Ghosts episode where the late Tory MP Julian reflects on all he missed avoiding family life with his baby girl.

I think it might be this one - www.imdb.com/title/tt13138816/

Original poster
minnieot · 06/10/2025 23:07

DPotter · 06/10/2025 23:02

I just can’t stop wondering why he can put so much time and energy into this but none into me or his son

This is a very powerful statement - have you sat him down and told him this ?

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all for wanting him to play a more active role in family life.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to want to know where he is and when he's coming home. If nothing else it's common courtesy.

Each of you need time for yourselves and time for family. How would he react if you asked him to diary date evenings in so you can go out and others where you spend time together as a family ? Same with weekends? Actually being explicit with days and times can help people realise how much time they are spending on a particular activity.

With an eye to the future - what's your financial position like ? Housing, employment ?

I think sadly you need to start getting those ducks in a row.

I have, yes, and he doesn’t have much to say.

I did try scheduling things in as a family, and we have been doing that still to an extent, but politics still far outweighs family time.

I work full time but it would be very difficult to financially support myself without him, but I do have family nearby who I know I could go to until I can stand on my own two feet. It just isn’t the life I imagined for my baby

OP posts:
Original poster
minnieot · 06/10/2025 23:04

Fishinthesink · 06/10/2025 22:59

Yeah I was heavily involved with another party, aiming to become an MP, and had to drop it when I got pregnant. It's totally incompatible unless you live and breathe it as a family. There is a reason there are so many political couples and so much sleeping with each other - you have to be all in (I have a politically adjacent job and get my kicks that way now without it taking up my evenings).

Are you sure there's not an OW or someone he's interested in in the local party? It all sounds very intense.

I was suspicious at first, but he’s involved more nationally now rather than locally, so I don’t think so, but from what I’ve heard goes on in the party, it does make me feel like that wouldn’t be off the cards eventually

OP posts:
DPotter · 06/10/2025 23:02

I just can’t stop wondering why he can put so much time and energy into this but none into me or his son

This is a very powerful statement - have you sat him down and told him this ?

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all for wanting him to play a more active role in family life.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to want to know where he is and when he's coming home. If nothing else it's common courtesy.

Each of you need time for yourselves and time for family. How would he react if you asked him to diary date evenings in so you can go out and others where you spend time together as a family ? Same with weekends? Actually being explicit with days and times can help people realise how much time they are spending on a particular activity.

With an eye to the future - what's your financial position like ? Housing, employment ?

I think sadly you need to start getting those ducks in a row.

Fishinthesink · 06/10/2025 22:59

Yeah I was heavily involved with another party, aiming to become an MP, and had to drop it when I got pregnant. It's totally incompatible unless you live and breathe it as a family. There is a reason there are so many political couples and so much sleeping with each other - you have to be all in (I have a politically adjacent job and get my kicks that way now without it taking up my evenings).

Are you sure there's not an OW or someone he's interested in in the local party? It all sounds very intense.

ObliviousCoalmine · 06/10/2025 22:57

If he’s a Tory, and a newish one at that, he’s got it exactly how he wants it. He’s out doing his thing, you’re in the kitchen.

I’d leave if my partner started to earnestly buy the Telegraph, let alone go to the Tory party conference.

Original poster
minnieot · 06/10/2025 22:56

Pleatherandlace · 06/10/2025 22:56

Sounds like he just wants to escape family life to me. Sadly I’m not sure there’s much you can do except tell him this isn’t the family life you want and he’ll have to choose. Unfortunately he might not pick you and the child though.

I think you’re probably right. Thank you

OP posts:
Pleatherandlace · 06/10/2025 22:56

Sounds like he just wants to escape family life to me. Sadly I’m not sure there’s much you can do except tell him this isn’t the family life you want and he’ll have to choose. Unfortunately he might not pick you and the child though.