For not wanting my partner’s hobby to take over our family life?

It's amazing the number of men who seem to fall into all-consuming hobbies as soon as a child comes onto the scene.
I always think these are the men who "have a family" because it's the societal norm. Not because they genuinely have a yearning to be husbands and fathers.

Yes. Fight fire with fire.

It could be worse. My daughter started seeing somebody in three weeks and he announced he was running as a candidate for a reform. It’s taken us nearly a year to untangle that one.

His obsession isn’t going to pay off, the tories are never going to get back into power. Yanbu I would tell him to pick his family or his silly little obsession but he can’t do both.

Schedule in a serious talk with him while your baby is with your family (in case of heated arguments). Tell him that you didn't sign up for being a solo parent and him choosing to spend so much of his free time doing other things than being with you and his child is deeply hurtful and not acceptable. Imagine if you would do the same thing- who would be there for your baby then?

He doesn't have to give up his political interest but he needs to massively scale back and always ASK YOU if it's OK that he goes somewhere because you have got a baby: responsability, and someone needs to care for this baby so he can't just walk off as if he's got no worries in the word because you might have things to do as well.

For me this would be it- either he agrees to scale down and realises that his first obligation is to his child (and you) or he will be officially single.

He isn’t committed to you or your child, and although his attention is on politics right now it may well alight on a Tory woman who’s able to flatter him and make him see himself as a single man again (which is how he’s acting).

Definitley take legal advice and then sit down and tell him the facts. He needs to think really hard about how he steps up as a father and a partner.

“left wing ones seem a lot more vocal than the right wing ones.”

Is this a joke? Have you seen the painted roundabouts, the flags, the marches?

And for the less yobbish and outspoken who secretly vote reform/tory ask yourself why they’re not prepared to admit it.

I think you need to give him an ultimatum - family life, or his hobby and clear boundaries about what that looks like. If he picks his hobby then you have your answer.

I’m also not sure I could be in a relationship with a Tory.

While you work, or are sick, or want large chunks of time to pursue her own interests the way he is. Which doesn’t sound possible without magicking up 10 day weeks.

You need to sit him down and have a serious conversation about the fact that he appears to have opted out of family life. If he’s doing nothing with the baby, does he view the house and children as your (ie women’s) jobs? Or is he just being lazy? I ask because I think it’s easier to pull him back from laziness but I don’t think I could put up with a sexist attitude.

DP is interested in politics and when DD was younger he attended local party meetings etc (doesn’t anymore as local politics has changed here). He often went leafleting/ canvassing on the weekend, but would take DD with him in a pushchair and later on her scooter. She actually really enjoyed it. What I mean is that he fitted it into his life. In that way it was like a hobby- the difference between men who are away playing and watching football every weekend and those who coach the local team that their kid plays for so they’re still involved with family life

Brilliant idea! 🤣😂

Wow, Tory politics as a hobby. Has he thought about taking up repeatedly slamming his testicles in a door? It might be more fun for him.

I have a parent who is involved in politics and has been since I was very young. Trust me, this won’t go away. Once the obsession takes hold, that’s it. And affairs are absolutely rife. Sorry OP, but I think you’ve already lost him to politics.

Yep, this is it. This IS who he is, not the teenager from before. He has matured into his adult views. Most people don’t really know who or what they are until they start hitting 25+. That’s why the divorce rates drop so sharply when people marry at 28 or older. They know themselves better and are better able to judge whether they are compatible or not.

Unfortunately you’re going to have to decide if you can live with who he really is, knowing that he’s not going to go back to who he was when he was in school.

This is one of those threads where I wish we could set up a Mumsnet LTB fund, so women whose husbands have turned to shit could fill in a form online and have a team of friendly, no-nonsense Mumsnetters swoop in and sort out all the logistical and financial aspects of separating.

I’d volunteer my services.

I don't really think that politics is a hobby, but he's really selfish for making you suffer and neglecting his baby. He doesn't have to go out schmoozing with his mates (he will probably justify it as "networking"), and his chances of being selected to stand as an MP are incredibly low. You have to be in some intangible inner circle to be picked, and apparently you go through all kinds of training before you're considered. Anyway, Conservatives don't stand much chance next election.

If he's truly passionate about this, he would be better off standing as a local councillor. He could actually make a difference, the work load would be manageable, he would get an allowance for his time, and unlike his socialising, the experience might qualify him to take on bigger roles in the future.

Don't slam his hobby but do start clawing back major tracts of time together.
Mark clearly coloured in highlighter green on a large visible calendar the time your husband spends with the hobby.
Mark stripes of pink over the top if you also join him, or plan on joioning him.
And mark in solid pink times that you spend together as a family on outings and adventures.

Start joining him more. Use the accommodation he takes to house you and baby also, for wonderful walks in new places and insist that you eat together often.
Plan times as a family in advance to fun places like nearby wildlife parks and galleries. Invite DH and mark it down.
Remember to notice political statues and portraits of politicians that you stumble upon too.

Don't sit there wallowing but claim back your relationship.
Also state clearly when you actually need DH to be the primary care giver while you work or are sick. He should be able to, at short notice, bring baby along to a seminar or remain at home.

@MsAmerica OP has already said her partner refers to it as his hobby himself.

Meanwhile getting into any hobby, and being out all hours of the day and night when your other half is working full time and looking after your child (another full time job) is shitty whichever way you slice it. He only got into it after baby was born, so it's not like it's his life's work.

Well… a pregnancy is nine months long… and she says he’s been into this for a year. So…

It sounds as if you have two separate problems, @minnieot.

The problem you haven't grasped is that the politics isn't a "hobby." It's insulting to him, and a bit clueless of you, to regard it as a hobby. We are living in perilous times, and although I don't know what he's doing, or whether I'd consider him on the "good" side or the "bad" side, about the only thing that will save us is dedicated, committed people.

So I think the only way you'll find the balance you hope for is to re-think your attitude toward his "hobby."

Another man who realised parenting is hard so has opted out. He think by volunteering he can get out of parenting. He’s being selfish and cruel really that first two years are lonely and tough without being abandoned. Make sure you tell family and friends what is going on. Sit him down again and tell him exactly how you feel , lonely, abandoned, upset that he doesn’t know your baby and then go from there. He either needs to cool his new lifestyle or you need to make plans to leave.

What role does he play at home - cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry, take baby to appointments etc?

The Tory Party is currently having a conference in Manchester.

I want to know how his obsession will 'pay off' eventually.

Has he got a secret Tory girlfriend whom he can only meet at party events?

OP... how is his constant socialising affecting the household budget?
I couldn't put up with someone who won't say that they are out and then come home drunk at 1.00 pm - no doubt waking up the baby too.

I don't know how you are managing with a partner who does so little parenting whilst also working full time. Apart from watching TV with the baby monitor on for an hour and a half - two times a week.

Plus I can imagine if he's spending all his time talking about policies and news etc... with people who are very invested in the subject.. that this must have taken over your conversations with him.

Look at the practicalities of this. When was the last time you had an enjoyable evening out together? When was the last time the three of you had a family day out or entertained friends (real friends)

I bet you are often cooking for him and then finding he's not coming home for dinner. But it must be costing a lot for him to keep doing this. Are you having to subsidize this? Is he paying towards childcare or does it all come out of your pay packet?

I think you need to really investigate and add up your options and see if this is what you want to be involved in. It won't get easier if he gets more enmeshed. What is he adding to your marriage/partnership and what he's entirely checked out from and left up to you.
Do you want more children eventually? Does he? What is he aiming for inthe next five years? What are you aiming for? Does that match? Would he be any better with two children? You are both working full time so he should be doing half of everything. But he isn't.

I also imagine as you say he doesn't tell you where he's going or what he's doing that it must be very difficult for you to plan anything ahead, without suddenly being told that he's not available for a, b and c, because this is a crucial time for the party and they need him.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope you can find a way through it, either by having some productive talks with him, or having a really good think about your future and researching your options. You are too young to be tied down to someone else's ambitions if they don't match yours.

Seen it so many times from other men when they become fathers. It's simply to avoid parenting duties. It won't 'pay off', he's just trying to fend things off till there's no nappies to change, bedtime stories to read, or dribble to wipe up.
It's shockingly poor behaviour, it's unforgivable, and he's missing out on some of the most special moments a father can have.
Up to you what you'd do, but I'd suggest telling him to pack his bags.
Plus he's become a Tory, which is even worse 👍

I agree.