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AIBU?

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Original poster

For not wanting my partner’s hobby to take over our family life?

161 replies

minnieot · 06/10/2025 22:21

Hi all,

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I feel like I’m losing my mind over this situation.

My boyfriend of 7 years, and the father of my 12 month old baby, is obsessed with politics. He’s always been into it but was not actively involved in it until this past year. It’s become completely all consuming. He’s taken on multiple voluntary roles within a political party, spends most evenings messaging political groups or on calls, and goes to events and conferences whenever he can. (Currently attending a four day conference in Manchester whilst I’m alone with the baby who is currently full of cold and so am I, and I’m still working.)

It’s reached the point where I feel like he’s living two separate lives, like he wants to live as if he’s single and childfree in this world where me and our son are not part of. He insists it’ll “pay off” one day and that he’ll “scale it back eventually,” “it’s conference season, it won’t always be this busy” or whatever, but it’s been a year of this and nothing has changed apart from small periods of things seeming promising, only for him to go right back to it.

A lot of it is also very social where he’ll go out for drinks and a “catch up” with people but not let me know actually where he is or who he’s with, not answer his phone and then he’ll stumble through the door late at night, even early hours in the morning on a couple of occasions.

He seems to think that I’m being controlling for not wanting politics to dominate his life, and for expecting to be updated on his whereabouts when he’s out drinking, but it’s not like I want him to give up his hobby, I just want balance. I feel like he’s choosing that world over the family we’ve built together, and it’s breaking my heart.

I just can’t stop wondering why he can put so much time and energy into this but none into me or his son.

AIBU for saying that I can’t live like this anymore and that he can’t have both? Or is he right, and it’s controlling and toxic of me to expect him to limit his hobby and keep me updated on what he’s doing etc etc

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock000 · 08/10/2025 08:54

Political views when extreme ruin families.
My DSis' DH has turned into a nut, he's Irish but convinced he's American for some reason, his DS is gay, his DD is engaged to a young black man. BIL is a snake, destroying the family from the inside spouting shit.
far worse than Charlie kirk.
Sadly he's ground Dsis down so much she ignores him to keep the peace.
It's a cesspit.

DoubtfulCat · 08/10/2025 08:39

Feeling heartbroken, but I do think it will be for the best, he doesn’t seem willing to meet me anywhere in the middle.

I agree with @Anyusernamewilldo8963 , it’s fine once you’re properly doing it on your own, because it’s honest. At the moment there’s been a pretence that you’re a team, and he’s been repeatedly letting you down. You can and will still feel sad and angry, and that’s perfectly justified, but you won’t be disappointed any more because you can see him for who he is. (Whether he’s ready to see himself is another matter.)

Put his salary into the CMA calculator now, so you can tell him the minimum payment he’s looking at, and if he messes you about at all then you should just go through them. Make it clear that he is fully responsible for covering child care when his son is with him- no financial or mental labour should fall to you to dig him out of any holes, he’s a grown up and he can work it out.

I am sorry it’s come to this, but at least you took control and made the decision for yourself. That’s powerful.

Anyusernamewilldo8963 · 08/10/2025 08:23

I'm sorry its come to that but here's hoping actually losing the both of you will be the wake up call he needs that if he wants a proper family life then he needs to make significant changes and start putting you both first.
I'm a solo parent and whilst its hard its also easier in the fact that you no longer have the resentment of him not stepping up and parenting as you already know you are on your own and its on you.
Hopefully you can reconcile in time but don't go back for words, go back for actions and because he's shown you hes made changes

Original poster
minnieot · 08/10/2025 08:19

Thank you all so much. I’ve been reading all of your comments and he came home last night, it was a really difficult decision, but I ultimately decided to cut things off. Not the life that I wanted for me or my little boy, but neither is the life that he’s giving us currently. I haven’t worked out the logistics yet, but that will come with time I suppose. Feeling heartbroken, but I do think it will be for the best, he doesn’t seem willing to meet me anywhere in the middle. Thank you all again x

OP posts:
Onceisenoughta · 08/10/2025 05:38

He sees you as the mother of his child now and with that you're supposed to be happy, that let's him off the hook to do what he wants. Did he want a child?

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 08/10/2025 04:53

minnieot · 06/10/2025 22:26

Just to add, I do not share his political views, he did not support the Conservative Party when I first met him, and I would absolutely never support them. Again, that only came in the last year

Leave him. Escape early, before you waste your life.

Efrogwraig · 07/10/2025 22:53

At the moment it looks like a long time till his party is in a position to win any seats in parliament. You have time to think, do you want to be an MP's wife. If not then you & your husband need to discuss this seriously & then decide whether you both have a future together.

TwinklySquid · 07/10/2025 22:38

My ex was like this with politics. Even when our daughter was in hospital (born early) he would still behave like this.

I left in the end. It took a bit of time
but now he no longer does it. We stayed separated and I do think he regrets it. But it was like having another woman. If you want to progress, you have to help a lot. The problem is everyone wants to be an MP and few actually make it because there is always someone else willing to go further.

My advice would be to give him a choice and be prepared to walk.

Lockdownsceptic · 07/10/2025 21:42

Horse

Lockdownsceptic · 07/10/2025 21:41

justasking111 · 06/10/2025 23:45

Blimey he's flogging a dead horse there

Show quote history

No OP is flogging the dead hors.

Lockdownsceptic · 07/10/2025 21:40

You don’t know what you are talking about. There’s alot more to Tory policy than academy schools.

Lockdownsceptic · 07/10/2025 21:38

You are on a hiding to nothing. He has obviously decided that he wants to go into politics, I would suspect as a local councillor or as an MP. There are no half measures with this. If you can’t support him then it would be better for both of you if you split now.

Oldwmn · 07/10/2025 20:22

minnieot · 06/10/2025 22:26

Just to add, I do not share his political views, he did not support the Conservative Party when I first met him, and I would absolutely never support them. Again, that only came in the last year

He'll be shifting to Refuk next! I think he's moved on - you won't be able to rely on him unless you're prepared to be the Little Woman.

Skybluepinky · 07/10/2025 18:40

He isn’t enjoying being a parent so is making sure he is doing his own thing, hopefully as his child gets older he’ll adapt but some never will.

MMUmum · 07/10/2025 18:32

Maybe time for cards on the table. The point of couples having children is that they want to have a family life, and this is just not happening for you. Tell him it's time to make a choice as to where he wants to spend most of his time, and let his answer dictate your next move. Good luck 🥰🥰

Snakebite61 · 07/10/2025 18:06

minnieot · 06/10/2025 22:21

Hi all,

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I feel like I’m losing my mind over this situation.

My boyfriend of 7 years, and the father of my 12 month old baby, is obsessed with politics. He’s always been into it but was not actively involved in it until this past year. It’s become completely all consuming. He’s taken on multiple voluntary roles within a political party, spends most evenings messaging political groups or on calls, and goes to events and conferences whenever he can. (Currently attending a four day conference in Manchester whilst I’m alone with the baby who is currently full of cold and so am I, and I’m still working.)

It’s reached the point where I feel like he’s living two separate lives, like he wants to live as if he’s single and childfree in this world where me and our son are not part of. He insists it’ll “pay off” one day and that he’ll “scale it back eventually,” “it’s conference season, it won’t always be this busy” or whatever, but it’s been a year of this and nothing has changed apart from small periods of things seeming promising, only for him to go right back to it.

A lot of it is also very social where he’ll go out for drinks and a “catch up” with people but not let me know actually where he is or who he’s with, not answer his phone and then he’ll stumble through the door late at night, even early hours in the morning on a couple of occasions.

He seems to think that I’m being controlling for not wanting politics to dominate his life, and for expecting to be updated on his whereabouts when he’s out drinking, but it’s not like I want him to give up his hobby, I just want balance. I feel like he’s choosing that world over the family we’ve built together, and it’s breaking my heart.

I just can’t stop wondering why he can put so much time and energy into this but none into me or his son.

AIBU for saying that I can’t live like this anymore and that he can’t have both? Or is he right, and it’s controlling and toxic of me to expect him to limit his hobby and keep me updated on what he’s doing etc etc

I would have nothing to do with a right winger in the first place.

Mrswhiskers87 · 07/10/2025 17:58

Allthatshines1992 · 07/10/2025 12:34

Someone might vote right wing for one reason alone, because they want more academy Schools.

Show quote history

Yes I’ve heard that’s the leading Tory policy.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 07/10/2025 15:46

With the rise in SM madness around politics it is impacting peoples mental health.

gannett · 07/10/2025 15:44

I am absolutely agog that someone has apparently not only developed an enthusiasm for but actually JOINED the Tory party in the past 12 months. Weird beyond weird. LTB.

FrauPaige · 07/10/2025 15:28

minnieot · 06/10/2025 22:26

Just to add, I do not share his political views, he did not support the Conservative Party when I first met him, and I would absolutely never support them. Again, that only came in the last year

You have my sympathies

MoominMai · 07/10/2025 15:18

Financial · 06/10/2025 22:41

You calling it a hobby would really piss me off tbh

Sounds like a political hobbyist to me. It’s an unpaid activity he does in his free time that aligns with his personal interests 🤷🏻‍♀️

Southshore18 · 07/10/2025 14:51

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/10/2025 22:27

Incredible these men who suddenly discover an all consuming interest in something - whether it be politics, cycling, golf, whatever - as soon as a baby comes along.

my thoughts exactly.

justasking111 · 07/10/2025 14:49

A friend's husband was an MP in our village. She was lovely, very lonely. He kept saying he'd quit. Never did. Why she didn't leave him I'll never know.

beAsensible1 · 07/10/2025 13:51

he can take the pram leafletting

LeaderBee · 07/10/2025 13:30

I want to make some snarky remark about politicians being lying, deceitful, untrustworthy people that will tell you anything if you'll believe it. But you know your partner better than me.