To have been upset at what DP said after we were intimate?

Yuk. Sorry op. This just makes me think all men at the gym are pervy bastards. It’s a reason I don’t do mixed yoga. Grim. And hot yoga. Even worse.

What I mean is, our relationship is an established relationship, but we're best friends who are very tactile and have sex, we're not in love or dating or anything. We're totally secure in our relationship and not threatened by the other one saying "oh he/she looks sexy". And before anyone says "friends with benefits", no we're closer than that and it's more of a relationship than that. And, for what it's worth, late DH and I also had the attitude "you can look but don't do anything about it".

As a mum of an attractive dd who goes to the gym this makes me feel sick. Men ogling and getting horny over girls just wanting to work out. I suspect it’s true of many blokes though because their brains are in their dicks. I hate sounding like my mother, but the older I get, the more it seems to be true.

I don’t know what to tell you to do op. Some men are pervs, and unfortunately some women are married to them and have sex with them. I might give him an angry feminist TED talk but I suspect the dye is set.

The issue is he doesn’t want it at home unless he’s already looked elsewhere… feels a bit muggy

But I’ve not been in a super long term relationship, it might be normal

I think this is really unfair actually. M

If I came home from the gym and jumped my husband and said to him I was turned on by some bloke at the gym, he’d be annoyed and hurt. He’s not some controlling, insecure weirdo. He’s a kind and loving guy. But it’s disrespectful.

He’s daft to have said so but I think it’s common for people to be ‘inventive’ when they have been together for a while. No one here ever been spurred on after a raunchy scene in a film???

One of my friends said once ‘I don’t mind where he gets his appetite from as long as he only eats at home’. Made a lot of sense to me.

I couldn't be with him....!!

Sorry that’s disgusting - and I’m pretty chilled about lost things. So he fucks off to the gym - gets horny by looking at other women then comes back and uses me for some unfulfilled need?! Nah. He would be gone.

That's because a lot of men don't have an imagination capable of thinking that their wife would ever cheat on them. They think they're gods gift. Wifey might think the guy down the road is nice - but then she's coming home to some real meat. Either that or they like the idea of cuckolding anyway.

I expect when the OP said it was unlike him to want sex on a Monday afternoon she was saying it because she was so happy that he did - not to put him down and make him feel bad that his libido had all but disappeared.

To then have him tell her it was only down to the hot girls at the gym is just horrible.

I think it's really grim that some women are happy just to be a wank sock for their husbands and are happy to hear that they're just a convenient hole to use while their OH's think about the person they'd really like to be shagging.

He says he's lost a lot of his drive, but his drive seems fine when he sees other women. He was turned on by other women and took advantage of having a woman at home to satisfy his needs.

The obvious thing to do, would be to make him sleep in another room/settee, or kick him, but I know it's not as easy as that. I do feel there needs to be some consequences.

Go out, come back, ask if he can go down on you because you spotted some men who turned you on, but you don't want sex...just an orgasm. See how he feels eating his own medicine. Tell him if he's incapable of the job, you can just employ a vibrator.

Not wanting to be used as a proverbial tissue does not = insecurity

Her partner is turned on by other women and only wants to have sex after looking at them. Why doesn’t he want to have sex after seeing his partner in leggings????

You’d have to be a mug to find that flattering, it’s awful!

and BTW, everyone experiences getting turned on and taking it to the bedroom later. That’s not what we’re talking about here!

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice

I dont think autism should preclude you from being tactful.

@Thingscouldntgetanyworse

I think that is ok that other things have stimulated your desire to initiate sex. I think that is normal.

I don’t think it is kind or normal to reference this when having sex with your real life partner.

Would you tell your DH that you love Dave down the road’s aftershave and it really turns you on so you are ready to have sex now?

God the bar is so low for men these days. You’ve got a perv for a partner and he has no shame about that. He’s sexually dysfunctional (does he use porn?) and is perving on women in public to achieve arousal for his partner. It’s not going to get better from here.

Jesus, he’s not the brightest of bulbs, is he?!

Why should women be grateful that men don't cheat on them? what a fcking disgusting comment. Going to the bathroom would have been nicer than her feeling used by him.

Erm no. Your relationship is a different thing entirely. This couple are in a defined relationship, not a 'quite difficult to define relationship', neither are bi and this is not normal for them to talk about it.

You said what I was thinking. He's fantasising about these women he can't have at the gym, and coming home and using his wife, effectively. Its rank behaviour to do that but to say it to her, only someone cruel would do that.

What the hell! Awful. Does he think he's speaking to a pal in the pub? I wouldn't even know what to say to that to be honest!

I see no problem with this, my DH passed away and I'm now in a quite difficult to define relationship. We're both bi, and often fancy the same people, and we certainly don't mind telling each other. Looking is fine, acting on it is wrong

Stupid enough to be truthful and honest with the one person you are supposed to be completely transparent with?

I guess I would rather not be lied to.

Yes, but you wouldn't be stupid enough to tell him that would you? If the sight or thought of someone else put you in the mood, you'd want them to think they were the reason.
Or am I just old fashioned?

Don’t marry him. I wouldn’t trust him not to try and instigate an affair with one of the gym women.

This is the thing though @DramaLlamacchiato

Yes, not many women would do that, but if they did, and they told their DH that’s why….most of them wouldn’t even mind!

The insecure, nasty little men would mind and would be horrible about it, no doubt.

But my husband, for example, I’m pretty sure would just laugh.

No jealousy.

crazy how we are so different.