AIBU to say that the future should include multi generational living?

Basically you want women to keep on caring for people generation after generation in other words

I like the idea that facilities for older people should be near nurseries so that there can be interaction. Studies have shown that this benefits both parties.

No thanks.

I feel like it often just means more work for the women such as more cooking, cleaning and doing childcare forever.

I like my own space and don't want to provide free childcare.

The problem is, living together works depending on who is seen as living with the others.

So @Cluborange666you can imagine it working well to have your adult DCs living with you. But you are assuming it’s your house, you are the one in charge and you get to set the house rules. How about you living with them? In their house. Their rules. You have to fit in with their family and their way of doing things- which may well be different to your own.

A good test for if you truly see your house as equally your child’s home - could they, as adults earning good money, decide to redecorate the living room? Or actually as adults would they only really be guests in your home and still in the “child” role who has to just accept the wall paint you’ve picked?

Do you think they should wait for you to die before they get to pick their own sofa colour?

Well, very wealthy people do it all the time. They have enough space. A separate wing or apartment in their mansion.
im sure many people would do this if they had they had the space. Bit hard to do in our traditional 3 bed semis or terrace.

I think it depends on the individual relationships, whether there is truly mutual consent for living together (and mutual agreement on things like how long the arrangement will continue, plus basic house rules and responsibilities) and the setup of the house - is there even sufficient space and privacy for all?

It's definitely not for everyone, but it shocks me that there's so much stigma about these types of arrangements when in many cases they are mutually beneficial. An acquaintance in her late 30s returned from abroad and moved into the "carriage house" on her mother's and stepdad's property. She paid significantly below market rent, but they wouldn't have rented the place out to a stranger anyway. And they were happy to have someone look after the house and dogs when they were travelling. But people were absolutely vicious about it. And a forty-something single male coworker was vilified behind his back because "he lives with his mum". No one bothered to find out that he had actually bought the house he grew up after his mum was partially disabled in an accident (dad had previously died) and had it renovated so she could navigate, then couldn't afford a separate place for himself and care for her and so lived in.

The idea that it's always going to be the woman of the couple who own the house doing extra work the more adults that live in the house may be statistically true, but outside of certain specific cases there's no reason for it. Legitimate physical and mental limitations aside, who ARE all these adult children, parents, PILs - and for that matter husbands - who aren't doing their share around the house and simply assume someone else will do it?

From a distance we got on just fine, but under the same roof and with constant scrutiny and judgement from her it would have been a disaster.

This. Often these threads forget that the dynamic between parents and adult children can be too much to bear to desire to live in the same household again.

My own mental health would plummet below hell if I had to live with my parents again. I live 4,000 miles away for a reason. It means I only see them in person once a year or once every two years usually. It’s easier talking to them via Skype than being around them for extended periods of time. They come for 10 days and that is enough for me. I also would not want to live with my in-laws and neither would DH unless we absolutely had to and even then we would be saving as much as possible to move out.

More people crammed into less space. A bit like the middle ages where you had 14 people living in 2 rooms. Maybe we could fit pigs and cows in there too.

So the future should be a decline in living standards.

Interesting debate, and my thoughts are echoed in this post.

I grew up living with my DM, SF and maternal grandmother, and over the last decade or so I've lived with my DP and adult children, various partners and sometimes their friends too, coming and going for various lengths of time.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, very much depends on all sorts of factors and the personalities / practicalities involved.

Currently I'm widowed and living completely alone (with two cats) for the first time since college and I doubt that I will end up being "taken in" by my offspring in my dotage, as the economic climate suggests the option would be a cupboard, literally, in my sons tiny one bed flat.

I think framing it as a "should" is unrealistic.

When I, my exDH and my DS did a couple of years living with my DM after she was widowed, I ended up in a child position due to the strong and controlling natures of my Ex and my DM, and it didn't last.

My MIL developed dementia and we looked after her for about 18 months but she deteriorated so rapidly that we couldn't keep her safe beyond that.

So I can say with confidence "it depends".I certainly don't think it should be an obligation in any way, nor do I think people should be discouraged or judged if it turns out it's fine and dandy for them.

I'd rather live in my car than go back under my parents' roof.

And I like my parents.

I think it sounds like a terrible idea for many reasons, not the least of which I consider it my job as a parent to ensure my DC can live alone and thrive independently.

This stood out for me : I lived in a freezing flat when I was 18 and it was grim. It didn’t motivate me. It just made me jealous of my friends who were still living with their parents. Poverty isn’t a rite of passage. It’s just depressing.
For me, I also lived in a freezing flat, but it absolutely motivated me...it gave me the drive to get better jobs and save hard for a better life, and I succeeded in doing so. I think expectations for young folk are much higher now ( I have a teen at uni) which I think might be part of the problem.

I would love to live with my parents or vice versa. We just dont have and never will have the room. I lived at home until I was 25, as did my brothers, and we all got along well, everything ran smoothly.

My kids will have a home with us as long as rhey need one.

If it is working well for everyone involved, fine, no problem.

On the other hand, there is no way I am living with my parents or in-laws.

I'm not even sure I would want grandchildren living here, if I had the choice. My house is no longer child proof and I don't want to change that. I don't want the mess of young children. If my grown children partner up or have children, I'd prefer them have their own household. I'd be supportive if it were necessary though.

If I had to choose between the generation up and generations down, no competition - anything but the parents on either side.

I'd literally rather be dead than live with either of my parents. I left at 18 and never went back. They could have supported me more but I was strewn out into independence early on.

Today I am extremely grateful for this. I don't get jealous of others. If others have things I want I work out how to get them for myself.

My children will always have a home with me as long as they are good housemates too. It's on me to teach that, and I am, but should they become slothenly litter bug ingrates in their late teens I'd fully expect them to vacate with the money I'm putting aside for them.

As for those from cultures where MGL is the norm I'm not sure you know how happy they are. They are also cultures where women are given to men from their fathers as though they're property handed around like a commodity. The traditions they're built from are far from nice, or loving. They're based on necessity and women being basically property.

Not every woman wants to marry or have children. What then? I also don't expect my children to care for me. They could be living on the other side of the world with kids of their own and completely unable to even visit me in my old age.

It's on me to sort my old age care out, not them. And we all deserve a tranquil safe space that is our own home. We all deserve to only live with those who we enjoy the company of full-time.

The only other adult I'd ever live with would be my kids, and even that's dependent on them having respect for the home I'm providing. I will not live in misery, mess, or under duress.

This is an absolute reverse of another thread running this morning about a 26 year old who lives at home so she can travel. It's written in the exact same style.

Someone's researching for an article and looking for MNet quotes.

Fuck no. If it works for you then great, crack on, but I like my peace and my space, thanks. As did my mum who was great, but also clear when we all left for uni, that she wanted her life and her house back. She lived alone in her house, and her boyfriend lived in his. Same set up I have with mine. I know who ends up doing most of the work in any household, and it’s not the men!

Do a lot of the problems as highlighted on Mumsnet come up because the current housing is not suitable for multi generational living? We do have a spare room for example but the rest of the house is far too small to support even one extra person being here full time.

This line in the OP is absolutely riproaring -

"I think multigenerational living would be better for (most) people - excluding people like me"

The whole premise of multigenerational living relies on women caring for the generation above and the generation below their entire lives. Fuck that.

We will need bigger houses, and many are struggling to afford their current houses. I don't see how it is possible.

I have two young adult children, one of whom is away at university half the time. Of the three of us permanently at home, we all have hybrid jobs so we need work spaces (we have 2 between 3 of us). The house is already bursting at the seams. University child wants to do a placement next year and live at home. If she too gets a hybrid job, we will physically not have enough space for everyone to work/live as they want. Same thing will apply if one wants to move in a partner. And there is definitely no space for children, unless they share their parents' bed.

I agree, I stay with my mother for a couple of days a week, I also have to work from hers which is getting increasingly difficult as she keeps calling for me and despite many reminders that I'm working, she won't stop.

No, no offence OP but families can be complicated even when not actually abusive. I would describe myself as exceptionally close to my parents who I love but there is all sorts of history and complications with our relationship that mean I would be fundamentally unhappy living with them.

Brief but 100% correct!

In an ideal world, yes. But as someone who's (temporarily) living with their dad it's would be unbearable for us all to continue this way. My kids would be welcome to live with me as long as they like (within reason and as long as it suits everyone) but I wouldn't expect my kids to live with me for my benefit or to take care of me because that's unfair. Our kids didn't ask to be born and to expect them to give their lives over to helping their elders is wrong, they have their own lives to live!

I wouldn't do it, I prioritise quiet and my peace.

Never see men pushing for multi generation living, so they can provide elderly care and be the main parent?

I can imagine a day when we may move in with MIL to look after her in her old age. I'm fine with this. My children are welcome to stay with us as long as they want. I imagine though that they will want their own houses for their families, just as we did.
We have a lovely flat nearby that we rent out. If they wanted we'd let them live in it for cheap / free to give them some independence while they save.