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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I pay halves for the hotel?

169 replies

IFeelLikeChickenTonite · 06/10/2025 08:40

I don’t think I should! It’s my DP’s (41) half marathon in Manchester this Sunday. He asked me to be there to support him, my DS11 will also attend and cheer him on. As it’s an early start and we live in Sheffield (about an hour away) DP has booked a family room in a Manchester hotel, only a Premier Inn but he said it was over £200 just for one night.
We had an argument last night because he’s suddenly asked me to pay half for the hotel. I said I didn’t think I should as it’s not a ‘jolly’ for me and DS as we still have to get up early and we have to hang around waiting for him to finish hs race. I don’t see why I should pay for the hotel if it’s his race and he wants us there to support him.
So as not to drip feed: we have been together 10 years, don’t live together (my choice). I recently came into a big inheritance (250k) but have paid for an expensive 6k villa holiday with kids and DP next summer - all paid for by me. I have paid off our car loan of 4k. I have bought him meals out. However I am on a low income (self employed) with rubbish private pension, I am 51 so aware I shouldn’t be eating too much into the capital and saving for my retirement.
When I had to sort out my late mum’s estate in Devon he drove me down but I paid for everything- including hotels in Exeter, Plymouth and Paignton, and petrol as I knew it wasn’t a ‘jolly’ for him.
I’m fuming that he expects money for me to attend his marathon and think my inheritance has influenced this sudden bout of ‘tightness’. AIBU?

OP posts:
Zempy · 06/10/2025 15:57

Do you mean you paid off his car loan or your own? I am struggling to understand how you would have a joint car when you don’t live together?

It sounds like he’s seen the pound signs because of your inheritance, but it really won’t last you for long in retirement.

Comefromaway · 06/10/2025 15:54

Northquit · 06/10/2025 15:50

only a Premier Inn but he said it was over £200 just for one night.

It sounds a lot. Which gold plated Premier did he book?

That is standard on a Saturday night of an event in Manchester. I regularly stay in Premier Inns and Travelodges there and unless you book way in advance that is the price.

Tagyoureit · 06/10/2025 15:53

"Our car loan"???

How is it "our" if you dont live together?

But id be annoyed too, and extra £100 for him when you've paid £6k for next years holiday is a pisstake.

Muffinmam · 06/10/2025 15:50

GinAndJuice99 · 06/10/2025 09:22

Sounds like he only wanted you to come so he could get you to pay for half of the hotel room

Exactly!! They don’t even live together!!

Northquit · 06/10/2025 15:50

only a Premier Inn but he said it was over £200 just for one night.

It sounds a lot. Which gold plated Premier did he book?

canchewcashew · 06/10/2025 15:49

No way would I pay half the hotel room when you're only going at his request. It's boring to wait around for someone to finish a long run, and he's lucky you were willing to go at all.

N0Tfunny · 06/10/2025 15:47

dontmalbeconme · 06/10/2025 09:15

I can't imagine sitting on quarter of a million pounds and expecting someone else to pay my share of the hotel room.

Now your son is 11, it's really your choice to work self employed bringing in a low wage.

I don't really see why you think you shouldn't pay for your share of the room? Of course it's always nice is someone offers to treat you, but the default assumption should be that you'd cover your own costs, surely?

She’s not “ sitting on it “ - it’s for her future. Lots for people who don’t think they are rich have more than £250,000 in their house and their pension and savings .

It doesn't mean that they have to fund everyone else.

Glitchymn1 · 06/10/2025 15:39

Favouritefruits · 06/10/2025 09:32

Tell him you’ll knock the £100 off his share of the villa holiday!

🤣🤣🤣

sittingonabeach · 06/10/2025 15:38

@Delatron OP has said he pays 50% for holidays when the DC go to, so unless DC are completely free he pays towards them

Epidote · 06/10/2025 15:34

I would pay the hotel, cheer him in the race, come back and dump him within a week with something in the lines: It is not you, it is me, I fell I need time (and not a tight arse around me), we can be friends etc etc.

VickyEadieofThigh · 06/10/2025 15:25

EgregiouslyOverdressed · 06/10/2025 15:23

"Our" car loan? Whose car is it? Is it a shared asset?

You are wise not to move him in but you need to be very clear in your own mind about whether or not you are a financial unit. It sounds very much like you need to keep strict boundaries in place to protect your financial interests here.

Absolutely this.

And as other pp have urged you, OP - get that money invested in your pension.

EgregiouslyOverdressed · 06/10/2025 15:23

"Our" car loan? Whose car is it? Is it a shared asset?

You are wise not to move him in but you need to be very clear in your own mind about whether or not you are a financial unit. It sounds very much like you need to keep strict boundaries in place to protect your financial interests here.

timeandagainagain · 06/10/2025 15:19

In my experience, and I've learned this through trial and error, if you don't have shared finances, it is best to split everything down the middle. Holidays and half-marathon hotel stays! Just discuss it before hand - so you only do things together that both of you are happy to pay for. Just don't expect that because you paid for the luxury holiday he will pay for his half-marathon hotel. Unfair, I know, in an ideal world he should reciprocate and be gracious but if you are in the world of splitting everything, best to be clear about what you pay for and what you don't.

Nestingbirds · 06/10/2025 15:19

Surprised at the mugs willing to pay, no wonder men get away with being arseholes.

PaellaPan · 06/10/2025 15:15

nomas · 06/10/2025 14:57

Yes, the full amount needs to be invested soon, if OP is also in her 40s.

Show quote history

It is in the OP, she is 51. If it were me, and I had very little saved for retirement, pretty much all of it would be going into a retirement fund. One big holiday, clear debts (both already done by OP) and then invest the rest.

Boomer55 · 06/10/2025 15:14

I would pay. 🙄🤷‍♀️

MyElatedUmberFinch · 06/10/2025 15:13

No I wouldn’t pay.

CuddlyPug · 06/10/2025 15:12

Good on you. I find something taking advantage of somebody financially more reprehensible than physical cheating. I could perhaps forgive a man who had a one time slip more easily than I could forgive a man who had behaved like your dp. He is very keen to spend your money and quite frankly you have frittered enough on him. Get that money invested straight away and have it compounding away. I am in a position to retire early and believe me it takes years off your face, more than any face cream, to know that my job is now essentially a hobby. I inherited money from my parents and that is socked away in term deposits and various investment funds. It has never been touched and my husband has never had a penny of it spent on him and wouldn't expect it. This is probably your last chance to have a decent amount of equity saved if you are 51 years old and on quite a low income with all the uncertainties of being self employed. This is the money that should be kept to prevent you having a cold pennypinching retirement after working yourself half to death. If you are going to be spending any money, and I don't think you should, it should be going towards your son's education, not your scrooge partner.

CherrieTomaties · 06/10/2025 15:10

I understand him booking a hotel room, for him only, as he would need to be up early for the marathon.

But I don’t see why he needed to book a family room without consulting you first? I used to commute from Sheffield to Manchester daily -it’s hardly a journey that requires an overnight stay for a day thing.

I wouldn’t be paying, as I wouldn’t be staying. I’d just take the 50min train on the day.

Caroparo52 · 06/10/2025 15:04

Dont go. He's an idiot.

Caroparo52 · 06/10/2025 15:04

Dont go

blueliner · 06/10/2025 15:02

Just don’t go.

Delatron · 06/10/2025 15:02

sittingonabeach · 06/10/2025 14:55

Does he have DC? So he pays towards your DC even though he doesn't live with you?

How does he pay towards her DC? He stays at hers 5/6 nights a week and doesn’t contribute to bills…

Also everyone claiming he ‘subsidises’ her - how so? She clearly has her own place, pays her own bills etc?

MarilynSays · 06/10/2025 15:00

I would just say 'Sorry, I've spent a large amount on next years' holiday, and invested the rest in my pension due to my low income, so unfortunately I cannot contribute on this occasion'. He booked it though so I think he should pay!

cheeseismydownfall · 06/10/2025 14:59

If you ask me to come and support you, you should pay. Just like I paid for our trips to Devon while you were supporting me. Hanging about a half marathon isn’t exactly a fun experience for me, but I would have been happy to come and support you if you were willing to pay the expenses.

I get where you are coming from but I think this is quite harsh and, putting the money issue to one side, if I were your DP I would probably be quite hurt by the begrudging tone. It sounds like you are an unwilling employee being dragged to a boring offsite meeting!

I would have worded it more like, "I'm always really happy to support you, but at the end of the day I wouldn't be making the trip unless it was for your event, so I assumed that you'd be taking care of the expenses - like I've done in similar circumstances."

ETA - you should absolutely be investing the bulk of this money in your pension though. If he has poor financial awareness himself I can kind of see from his POV it might seem like you are being ungenerous. Whereas the reality is that this money represents your financial security. Investing it now is both the right thing to do and also puts an end to his mistaken attitude.