Finally admitting a lie!

I ask your son to write a letter explaining and apologising, and put the money for the furniture in the envelope too. Feel sorry for him and the other cousins who can't play together anymore.

He is a child. What is more important than having your child always behave perfectly is for kids to learn how to behave and why.

Of course, his behaviour isn't perfect. He shouldn't have damaged / destroyed the furniture and he shouldn't have lied about it. I don't think anyone is disputing that.

What's important now (in my opinion) is to be fair to your sister (and to show your kids that you are fair) and to use this opportunity to teach your son that

1. You love him, always will and will always be there for him even if he makes mistakes
2. Actions have consequences

So the sister has to be apologised for and compensated fully but also the consequence to op's son has to be reasonable otherwise he will just learn to keep quiet next time.

You should tell your sister and ask her to be compassionate about it. Presumably there has been some kind of punishment

Why would you not want to make things right with your sister, it is not a ridiculous thing to fall out about. Garden furniture can be really expensive, I paid over £1,000 for mine. I would be offering to pay for all the damage done not just a contribution!

Has he done the right thing though? Confessing 6 months down the line after repeatedly lying, and even then only confessing on the condition that the person he actually wronged never finds out? I wouldn’t call that “doing the right thing”.

How I would deal with this depends entirely on the age of the child! But yes your sister needs to know and apologies need to be made.

I would be straight on the phone to my sister eating humble pie. I would also offer to pay for the new furniture. Your son needs to know that actions have consequences. You can't not tell anyone because he asked you not to, FFS, he is a child!

I agree that “amazing” is over the top. But he has done the right thing eventually, when it must have actually got harder with time as he realised the row wasn’t going to blow over.

There is an opportunity here to say “Well done for telling me. I can’t keep this a secret from your dad or your auntie, and yes, they’ll be annoyed, but isn’t that better than worrying about it like you were before?”.

Surely that’s exactly why the OP should make things up with her sister? Losing your relationship with a sibling over garden furniture is indeed ridiculous - so why continue a row that’s already gone too far? Especially when it turns out the sister was right to be mad?

If nothing else, it would be much better for the OP’s son if she were to make up with her sister. This has been going on for six months, which must feel like an eternity to a child. Imagine how he'll feel if this turns into a long term estrangement. He’s a boy who made a mistake and has now (albeit very belatedly) owned up. Much better that he’s made to apologise and things can move on, with him having learnt not to do it again, than he keeps punishing himself for even longer because he sees it as his fault that his mum and aunt don’t speak.

Op how old is your son? I agree with the others that you do need to tell your sister, apologise and pay for rhe damage but I also feel very sorry for your son. It must have been really scary and stressful for him. And thst interrogation in front of everyone must have been horrible for him.

If he is really contrite and has learnt his lesson to be honest I'd try to sort it out myself with your sister and husband or maybe help him draft an apology or to write an apology letter. It's good he has come clean and I think kids need to learn that if they mess up there might be consequences but you will always have his back and support him.

Very tricky situation.

It is understandable that all the parents involved were naturally inclined to believe their own children, and in the absence actually seeing what happened or a pattern of past behaviour, there is no reason why any one of you would have accepted that their child was at fault in this "he said, she said" situation. Yes, you effectively implied that her children were lying and that isn't good. But she also implied that your child was lying - you were both reacting in the same way based on the same evidence that you had at the time.

Unfortunately, though, it was only your DSis who was left with the consequences, namely a damaged table which she has had to replace herself. Perhaps it would have been better that all the adults involved agreed to share the cost, given the circumstances, although that would have also been difficult knowing that in fact only one child was likely to have been responsible.

Given that you now know your DS was at fault, you obviously need to apologise and insist on paying the cost of the replacement. Hopefully your DSis will recognise the truth of what I said in my first paragraph and you can all move past it.

Yes, you have to apologise and tell your sister that he’s finally admitted it. He needs to apologise to her, too. You can’t keep that a secret as they already know it was him for one thing, and another, it wouldn’t be a good life lesson for your son.

I do kind of agree that "fessing up" when you're promised no consequences and aren't actually telling the person/people you've "wronged" isn't much of a "fessing up".

On the other hand, the whole thing did get blown way out of proportion (only partly his fault for the delayed admission) which I imagine has made him terrified of confessing, so I can understand his reluctance/fear now.

I do agree that the OP needs to tell her sister and offer to pay for the replacement furniture.

Nope - I have made my son handwrite letters of apology on 2 occasions and removed all access to tech for 48hrs the first time and a full week the second time. Not for lying, but for something equally significant (in fact worse that scoring a dining table). There was no shouting, just a conversation about the fact that what he did was wrong, how his actions disappointed us but that it was a learning opportunity etc. He was about 7. He never did anything serious enough to warrant that kind of consequence again and has never lied to me.

I welcomed a hug and sympathy from friends when I told them, but the responsibility for disciplining/teaching my child is mine. OP is no doubt mortified - I know I was - but DS needs to understand.

Errr… he’s only “fessed up” 6 months down the line after lying about it repeatedly, and even now isn’t prepared to take responsibility, not sure how amazing that is!

Oh bless your little lad! That is great... amazing that he has fessed up. Good parenting.

Yes he was really quite deceitful and I’m very certain your sister has seen other incidents around your kids and her not speaking to you was the final straw.

The right thing to do would be to come clean.

So many over the top replies! If it was your child you’d all completely change your tune and be looking for sympathy.

If you value your relationship with your sister, admit the truth and tell your son to write her and his cousins a sincere letter of apology. Not a text, a letter

This. He’s a child that made a mistake. Not a murderer.

I would never fall out with my sister over something like this, so I think that was pretty rubbish of her. We all instinctively believe and protect our own kids and frankly so should we, so I don't think that bit is surprising or weird. It's hard to know what to do when she has shown she can be a bit vengeful and unreasonable (some of the pps on here are bloody scary too - saying he's manipulative/has a nasty nature?! He found out that he could draw patterns on something with something else, very normal, then he was scared to admit it, lied and is now frightened- again normal) you absolutely do not want him to regret telling you the truth at all, it's so brave of him to have done that.

I would ask to meet up with her and just be really open about what's happened and that you'll pay the money but also say that you do not want him shamed or scared as you're teaching that owning up was right. If she can't agree to that I wouldn't make him apologise in person. Maybe a letter?

How old is your son? If he’s old enough to understand the repercussions of the damaged furniture then I’d be bloody furious with him! Especially as presumably, you asked them privately if they knew who’d damaged it and he blatantly lied to you.
You need to apologise to your sister, or better still your son apologises too and you need to pay for the replacement furniture and your DS does extra chores to pay you back. I’d be really disappointed in him.

He did wrong by scratching it but it was lies that were the worst thing.

He needs to learn that this is not ok and that is by you showing him that you’re not going to lie and that you’ll tell the truth to your sister.

I do not think he should be punished but he does need to taught to own up to his actions.

We all make mistakes, it’s what we do afterwards that matters.

Apologise to your sister and tell her the truth.
Explain that you were in a difficult situation as your child swore he didn’t do it.
Pay for the table.

You have already fallen out and so this cannot make it any worse.

Yes. I agree. It must have been really hard for your son to be in a line up and told by another adult to confess.. He's done the right thing now and told you, he obviously feels bad about it wanted to but was scared at the time. Children do get scared if another adult is angry and telling them off.

Unfortunately, time has passed and people have fallen out.
I think you probably do have to tell your sister, but I also think that she's behaved badly.
A scratch on furniture is annoying but its not worth wrecking relationships over. You did offer to get together but she turned it down and lied about it and went out with your other sister on that day instead.

I think she is just as responsible for that part.... and I'd be hoping to see some sort of regret for that.

A previous poster said that if you do tell her and offer compensation it has to be on the condition, that she deals with you and accepts that you are dealing with your son, not her. (since you can't really trust her and its a difficult situation as she's not really speaking to you so she's clearly still angry) He's done well to own up, its clear he feels bad about it and He can write a letter of apology as pps have said.

You need to tell your sister.

I mean, it sounds like she already knows. Probably one of her own kids saw your son do it. Like others have asked, does he have a bit of form for always being on the scene when something gets broken?

If you stay quiet, he learns that if he flat out denies involvement in the moment, waits for the heat to die down, THEN confesses, that he'll probably get off. There needs to be a consequence.

As for your sister, you need to call her up, explain what your son has said, and apologise with your whole chest. And then immediately bank transfer her the cost of the replacement furniture without being asked. I'm sure you can use Google to work out the approximate amount. Then apologise again.