To be disappointed that my mom's husband donated things I would have loved

He sounds like a very stupid set in his ways man. I wouldn't be surprised if he's basically impervious to anything your mother says to him.

I would rent or borrow some of the games and a console to be playing / have in the background / out for him to see when he comes around on his rare visit.

I personally would have gone NC with my mother for allowing her dh to treat me so poorly

If she won’t protect you or help you then there isn’t really any point in her having a relationship with her

Some people are just like this. My MIL was downsizing, and didn't offer us any of the stuff she was getting rid of - Stressless leather chair, family heirloom oak desk, FILs nearly new PC, etc that we would have loved. Her cleaner asked for them and then no doubt flogged them on ebay ( she's got form). We did however get asked to go round and dispose of all the actual junk that was left.

I have done this before. I have donated items to a charity shop that are a painful reminder of really awful times. Things that other people might think are really insignificant.

It could be that your Mum's husband has a similar feeling towards these items and just didn't want to see them ever again (even though you might have been able to make use of them).

Go to the shop and buy it

Odd that an adult with their own home and kids has always wanted a games console but could never afford one? It's a pretty standard purchase.

He sounds like an asshole and your mum also for allowing that behaviour 🙄

Well I think it's extremely mean of them both. If it upsets them to see things in your house I suggest you stop inviting them. I don't think I'd be inviting round family members who go out of their way to stop me having things they don't even want anymore.

He sounds a bit of a douche to have said that about the podcast and also not sharing the games even at a discount.

He wanted the stuff completely out of his life. Giving it to you would counteract that plan. On the surface, it does seem unfair and unkind.
My parents sold our family home which was an old pile in the country full of antiques. They weren't bothered with auctioning the furniture so gave it to a friend of mine who had just recently built a large home in the countryside.
I was really sad when my parents chose to sell the home I grew up in but understood they needed to downsize.
Walking into my friend's house 2-3 times a year to see the furniture I grew up with at every turn makes it an emotional experience. I don't begrudge them any of it and theoretically am glad it has all gone to a loving home but objects can have this effect. Perhaps this is what he hopes to avoid?

And so? Then it just doesn't get done. At worst, this cosmetic issue may cause a purchaser to ask for a trivial deduction from the purchase price

This might well be the case. Otherwise this is out of the Cinderella playbook

@Gymrabbit

I'm not denying that this happens, but it's not a given. I volunteer in a charity shop, and the staff are entitled to BUY any items that are donated (for the same price that any other customer would pay) - but we're not allowed to just take them.

I'm sorry but making that big a deal about 20 paintings is miserable

Different intensity levels of bashing 😉

not saying it's the case here - but if a family member were always on the scrounge for things they fancies, I might not want to give to them

OP, you do appear to have your financial priorities right in wanting to save and provide for your grandma and your children But WHY are you allowing yourself to be such a doormat for your mothers husband? …..he told you not to listen to a podcast when cleaning the kitchen floor because it made you do it slower????? If he had said that to me I would have shoved the mop so far up his arse he would be able to clean his ears out with the handle! What a dreadful man! How does your mother put up with such mean spirited, controlling behaviour?

Quite. You're giving this future potential issue much too much headspace.

Excellent post

So what if it doesn't get done? The holes are in her wall not yours.

OP, it sounds like you've had a rather chaotic upbringing since you mentioned a previous step-father so I'm assuming that at least 2 men (him and your dad) have left within your early lifetime and you've assumed a sort of parental role with your mum.

If this husband leaves you don't have to be the fixer for your mum. She is an adult and, assuming full faculties, can arrange her own repairs and things for her house.

I'd seriously look at therapy to unravel things like feeling like you have to fix everything and why you can't spend an arguably small amount of money on things for your own enjoyment.

Why are you also buying things for your grandparent, and what things? Does she have no money of her own?

Do you and your DH have money to spend on your own enjoyment? If so, does he spend his on himself?

Give yourself permission to buy a console.

So let it not get done.

You need to take a step back from these people. Keep the door open for your mum. Make sure she understands that although you’re having less contact it is because of her choice of husband.

This isn’t a healthy dynamic and you need to prioritise your wellbeing.

Reading your follow-up posts, your mother and her husband both sound like deeply unpleasant people.

We have one side of it. It’s never one sided. Given the small info the OP has given, it sounds like they just don’t get on. At all.

He’s nasty. She is petty. So he doesn’t want to give her stuff. I’m sure their relationship had a lot more to it, on both sides. He does sound like a nasty piece of work. OP sounds like she was verging on trying to be controlling… I don’t know. But I do know there are always more side to the story.

OP can choose to help her mum or not help her mum years down the line when a bit of DIY is needed. But to go on about some paintings because she MIGHT have to help fill some holes? Just say no if it’s that much of an issue.